Whew! O.K. This is very hard for me and at the risk of other people thinking I am really nuts (which I may be....), I am just at a desperate point and came up with this crazy idea to help myself...
I mentioned on a previous posting that I am slowly getting my life in order since I have been sober. However, I have not overcome one thing and am having extreme difficulty doing so. I said in another posting that I sell online. Have for years. I have always had an issue with buying more than I have been able to sell. This has caused huge issues with my ex, daughter and my own self esteem. I also have struggled with depression for years which became exacerbated by the drinking. I am not sure if I have that Hoarders disorder or not. My daughter was seeing a therapist in the past and she took a picture of one of the rooms where I had my "inventory". She said the therapist blamed me for a lot of my daughter's problems and said that one of the biggest problems was that I was a Hoarder. The drinking was bad back then but not as bad and got worse after I moved from there. The place I am at now is a wreak. It is not just inventory to sell...it is clothes and other things as well. Piles and piles, boxes, stacks of books, etc. I don't even want the landlord coming in to fix anything for fear he will say something(we didn't use the gas heat in here because the pilot light had problems, and used those ceramic space heaters instead because of this and it got really cold some days). So this is really affecting so much of my life. I look at the boxes and piles of stuff intending to take care of them, and get so overwhelmed and more depressed and just feel unable to do anything about it. I am not buying hardly anything now and I could probably go a year or more without doing so, and still have plenty to sell. Anyway, the problem is compounded because my bf collects stuff himself and is about as neat as I am--which is not saying a lot. That doesn't concern me like it used to because I have more "stuff" than he does and I can only help myself. (Learning that in AA).
Anyway, I got this crazy idea that if I thought others would see how I am living, then maybe I would do something about it. It has become a safety issue because there is barely a pathway to get through room to room and if, God forbid, something happened to one of us, the paramedics would have a hard time getting a gurney through here, and the health dept. is problem going to be paying us a visit. I am always falling over stuff and get bruises and bumps from it. I have realized that I don't have to be drunk to walk like a drunk because it is impossible to walk a straight line in this place. So I thought about posting pictures (just learned how to upload one to internet for this purpose) and committing to doing one area at a time. I am tired of telling myself I am going to clean any of this mess up. I never have followed through with it. So I thought if I took a before pic and posted it here and said that I am going to have this area cleaned up within 24 hours and then know I have to post an "after" cleanup of the same area, I may be able to do this because I am holding myself accountable for taking care of it and not putting it off and I know someone on this site might check back to see if I did or not. I am just going to use this one posting for this so I don't fill up the board with my sh**. (Literally and figuratively). I hope this is not offensive to anyone and I guess John, pinkchip or another moderator can pull this if it is crossing some kind of line. It takes alot of courage for me to do this as I am certainly extremely embarrassed by the state I have let not only this place get to, but my mind for being this way and for me to share this info as well as pictures of junk is extremely humiliating for me. I hope by doing so, that it may not only help me but others at the same time that are possibly having this issue. (Because I don't think there is anyone anywhere who really wants to live like this).
If anyone is convinced that I am crazy, and you're probably correct, please don't call the insane asylum to come and get me, as they really cannot get through here to reach me yet. Please give me a week or longer before doing so. and one more thing....if you have a weak stomach you probably don't want to come back to this posting. I appreciate you letting me share. I really don't want to live like this and appreciate your patience. I will delete pictures I have completed before I post subsequent areas. Again, extremely embarrassing for me to do this . I'm just very hopeful it will help me.
This is in the kitchen area. It has been like this since or before the holidays. The things are blocking the stove and I have to move some of them just to make room to open the oven door. Then I have to move them back because I don't do anything else with them. I am going to give myself 24 hours to clean this mess up! Will post "after" pic by that time, if I stick to my commitment.
Thank you so much, Philipld... I have started the "pile" and there is more in there than I thought. The plastic bin thingie is full of things and I have to find another home for those things just to move the bin out. It is good storage for my smalls so don't want to get rid of it (yet). The air conditioner under all that cra* is under there and that has been there for well over a year. We got it for $5 or $10. We got that when we thought one of the ones we were using was getting ready to bite the dust. It kept working, and the one in the kitchen kept "sitting". So we are going to plug it in to even see if it works. (This is a very difficult task for some reason). I feel kind of numb since posting all of this. I am not sure if it is because I realize I have exposed a part of myself which really may have been better not to do, or if it is because now I feel I have to do it. Maybe both. Anyway, in order for me to keep up with working to make $ and do this, I am going to have to work more hours. Back to work
What would the Big Book say BTY?....It has all the answers.
A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
BTY, I don't mean to encourage you to hoard, but I have seen much worse. My grandparents are/were hoarders. Just last weekend, we cleaned out an entire hotel that they filled with junk. They also own the house behind it, which is full of crap.
My grandmother had major anxiety problems, and I believe that led to her hoarding. How do you eat an elephant? Piece by piece. Pick an area and clean it, a small one like a bathroom or kitchen. Then move on. You'll get where you want to vbe, eventually.
Still tackling these issues and am 4 years sober. Every year I get a big skip and am looking forward to getting it for spring this year. It has not got worse and I am aware of it. I also do not buy stuff anymore so am not adding to it but I feel for you as it gets me anxious too.
Very much like Stepchild, this made me think of the explanation of the Step Four inventory found in the Big Book. It really hits the mark. Before you tackle your big cleaning job, it would really be a good idea to read the text on page 64. Then, pray and ask God to give you a helping hand. If it helps you to know this, your situation is a lot more typical than you think. Many of us have been in a very similar situation -- some even worse. When our mind and spirit are in chaos it's pretty common that our material life will be in the same sort of chaos too. Like others have said, the best way to go about cleaning it up is to approach it one room at a time -- starting with one corner at a time. Cleaning your physical house will a healing process, just as cleaning your spiritual house will be a healing process.
Here's one last thing that I think is extremely significant: It appears that you have reached a point where you've looked around and you don't like what you see anymore. You want to make changes for the better, because you are no longer satisfied with living the way you've been living. That's what propelled you to come to A.A. And, that's what has propelled you to do the massive clean up. That's a huge step forward. The progress you're making is remarkable. We're with you, and we applaud you. Keep it up! You'll be glad you did. By the way...you're definitely ready to do Step 4.
Thank you for your responses. I got some of it done yesterday and woke up this morning and felt awful about posting such a personal thing about myself. Need to complete it though. I have always been the biggest procrastinator. It was interesting as last night's topic at the meeting was "Putting off things which we know need to be done".
missyj, I started with one of the not as bad areas first. I have seen those tv shows where there are more serious issues out there with this kind of thing. At least I don't have to step over mounds of things and have a "path" as some of those folks don't and it is very sad. I am sorry that you and your family were faced with having to go through so many of your grandparents things. That must have been very difficult for you. I have always had anxiety problems myself so can relate to that. stepchild, the BB has that? That is amazing that it seems like so many of our issues are covered in that book and thank you for posting that. Good reference for me. maire rua, for some reason it provides me with some amount of comfort to know I am not the only one, however, I am sorry that you are going through same or similar circumstances in your own life. I have this a.m. to get that taken care of. It is the last thing I want to do on a Saturday.
Mike D....I was getting ready to hit submit and saw where you just posted. Thanks so much! My BB is sitting on top of one of my piles in the bedroom and I will read what you suggested and pray that God will help me. I have a lot of back issues which are worse in the morning. Just bending over is very painful for me and I am most concerned about helping to carry this air conditioner either out of here or even in the next room. It is a horse and it wasn't a lot of fun carrying it up the steps and into this place. (Even less fun looking at it for so long on the kitchen floor. I will add for God to help me find the strength in that area as well. I appreciate the support so much! I felt awful so much of yesterday and I think it was because I was afraid of having this post removed and I worried if it was, if I would have enough courage to come back here and post anymore because, although I am really embarrassed about all this and sharing it, I would be more so if it were pulled.
Good for you, BTY, you're getting things done! You're on the right road and headed in the right direction. I'm sure that no one is going to pull your post for anything that you've posted, especially since all you're doing is just being open and honest about yourself and what's going on with you. You've never been hurtful, or hateful, or obscene, or inappropriate in any way. You're a good person who is trying to make positive changes and everyone knows that. How about this: Less worrying and more praying. You're doing very well, dear friend. We're all behind you.
Still trying to figure out this bucket photo thingie...geesh! Thank you, Mike D., your words brought tears to my eyes and now I have to get a tissue so I don't get my card wet
I reached the frustrated part--not with the cleaning--with that photo uploader site. It wasn't accepting my new email acct name and then when I went out and was going to sign back on, I kept getting that spinning wheel and it wouldn't take me to its' site. So, because I believe that 11:30 a.m. yesterday is when I posted this and committed to completing this area, I just changed my avatar so you can see what the area looks like now. I just didn't want anyone thinking I didn't take care of it and was making excuses (something I have done so much of in the past, and still do unfortunately) It is a smaller pic, but hopefully, for now, you can see the difference. I scrubbed and cleaned the area after I boxed up everything. I didn't go through everything individually just pulled what I want to sell today and during the next few days. I feel so much better that I actually got something like this done. It feels really good! I don't care for the paneling in between the sink and stove, however it hides the ugly and old water heater. Also, don't really like the clothes baskets under the sink and the tupperware container filled with cleaners. No where to go with those--hopefully will find a home for them. I have to share the most remarkable thing....I did read pg. 64 of the Big Book which Stepchild mentioned a section of and Mike D. suggested I read and say a prayer to God before doing this job. I really really didn't want to do it. So, I did read that pg. which fits right in with Step 4, which I am on. I then went into the kitchen and just looked at that mess and prayed to God to give me strength to do it and to help me finish it (was worried about my back). After I got everything else but the air conditioner taken care of, I wanted to move it so I could just get it away from there and clean there. I was able to move it without any problem whatsoever towards the back door. I remember thinking it was so much lighter than I remembered it being. Well, my bf came into the kitchen and we talked about it. He said it might blow a fuse if he checks it and he was getting ready for an appointment and it would have to wait. He asked if he could move it away from the backdoor and back there and promised he would check it tonight. I leaned down to move it and he said he would get it. I let him and the poor guy was struggling, grunting so much from trying to drag it back over there. I offered to help him move it and he refused my offer. I told him I didn't have any problem and it was really lightweight to me. I also told him that I prayed as someone suggested and I wondered if God helped me. You know what he told me after I said that? He said, "well good, then God and you can move it later today." I am going to take a pic of my next area before long. Will post it as soon as photo biscuit is fixed. BTY
I'll check back periodically. I was hoping to get my next area's pic up close to the same amount of time I posted the one yesterday. I am trying to get on a regular schedule with doing this, as I am afraid I will talk myself out of it if I don't. Also, wanted to get lunch started and get on listings and shipments asap. I was able to work until 11:00 pm last night and am hoping to work as late or later. (Had to go to my meeting last night and was even able to take treats which is very important to me to keep up with through this.)
Just imagine! We have this great big God who created the entire Universe -- the earth, the moon, and all the stars in the sky.....and He will help little ole you lift and move an air conditioner. Yes...BTY...you DID get the help you asked for. Simply put.....God helps us because He loves us.
By the way, what you read on page 64 of the Big Book is the actual beginning of the instructions on how to do the Step Four inventory. Right now, you are doing a physical housecleaning in your apartment. You are digging things out, sorting them out, and deciding what should be kept and what should be thrown away. The Fourth Step inventory is a spiritual housecleaning. You'll essentially do the same thing. You dig things out, sort them out, and decide what to keep and what to throw away. With both kinds of housecleaning, you get similar results -- you feel brand new.
This is what is supposed to be the kitchen counter. Yes, they are wine bottles which were in with other things we got at an auction. You can see the red tag with the auction number. I am not sure if I am going to peddle those or recycle them. They are of course, empty, Some of the things on top of the counter are things which were in that pile and I am going to list them. A big issue for me is getting into that cabinet and getting rid of the wine and other alcohol related glasses. I haven't wanted to deal with it. I am not sure if it is because I wanted no part of them or if I was thinking in the back of my mind that I may not be completely finished with them (really really stinkin' thinkin'!) So getting these things listed, and getting the cabinet rid of all the nasty glasses and getting the top of the things off of the cabinet is my next project and I am committing to doing that within 24 hours of when I post this. I hope those are the last wine glasses I touch...not putting them in a yard sale which I am getting things together for as I don't ever want to see them again!
Oh, the bag of cans hanging there are sparkling water cans from Kroger--not beer cans. We save them for people that walk through the alley ways digging in the trash for them. I will get rid of those and some of those coats we don't use as well. Come to think of it, I am going to get those empty wine bottles out of here, too.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Saturday 1st of March 2014 02:36:17 PM
Thank you for having the courage to post this thread, BTY. You have inspired me to tackle my "hoarder room" , as I refer to it. It has a door that I keep closed so I don't have to constantly see it, but the need to clean it up sits constantly in the back of my mind. Getting out my BB, reading & then heading in. Wish me luck.
__________________
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Oh nezyb... That just fills me with joy that this posting has helped you and makes me feel less embarrassed about all of this. Thank you so much for posting! Good luck to you and I hope you post back here or do a posting of your accomplishments!
This is like you are doing a physical fourth step on your house BTY...And this thread is your fifth step. Look how much better it's getting and how much better you feel just taking the action. It's the same thing with our spiritual condition BTY...All that stuff blocking us...Not from the stove....From God. We put it on paper...And we share it with God and another human being....Much like you are doing here. It's the same thing. And the results will be even better. It's promised.
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
Stepchild, thanks for your posting. I do feel so much better after taking care of that first mess. And I have thought for a good while looking at all of this stuff all around me made me think that is probably what my mind is like and I'm just so grateful no one has posted that I'm crazy (yet). If they do I'll hopefully just thank them for sharing and caring. I found a mug hiding in the cabinet I started a while ago....I thought it was fitting and it is my avatar for now. My bf said I even look like the woman on there. If she looks crazy that is the only resemblance I see as well as her "dream".
Sorry, so silly. I'm just absolutely exhausted right now and I should be working, but am just so tired. I also worked on my resentment list today. I'm having so much fun!
You're doing awesome BTY...And we're all crazy. It doesn't hurt to kick back andtake a little me time now and then. One thing I did find helpful...At my sponsor's suggestion....Was setting aside an hour a day where I could have quiet uninterrupted time for stepwork. One hour...Just God and me to work. We alcoholics are undisciplined...They tell us that. I just needed to get myself a routine. It worked. I love this thread BTY....And if you're crazy...I'm with you.
Stepchild and Mike D... That means so much to me. Guess it was a good thing to have enough trust that this wouldn't look so absurd a thing to do and give it a try. It's a shame I felt I had to go to this length just to get this stuff done. The strange thing is I was tempted to cancel my appointment for today with my sponsor because I was feeling so overwhelmed yesterday and I have been dragging my feet on doing the 4th Step, finding excuse after excuse to not do it. Yesterday I worked on it even though I didn't want to. My sponsor told me not to rush on doing it and I took that as I could just could take as long as I wanted. I know it wasn't meant that way, though. When you guys were tying the apartment cleaning into that step, I just thought I needed to work on it some more after not making time to do it like I should have. My appointment is today. I didn't do as much work on my business like I wanted to as I was just so tired. Hopefully today things will fall into place and I'll work more on that as well as the cleaning, Step work. And stepchild, I like what you said about taking an hour a day with God and the BB and working on my steps. I haven't really been doing enough of that I hate to admit. (However I don't think there is any fooling some of you as you are pretty perceptive and have called me on it more than once.
You're a very busy gal right now. That's a good thing! It means you're getting in to action and moving forward. What I really hope you'll do is start on page 63 of the Big Book and pray the Third Step Prayer and continue reading all about how to do Step Four. Then, read the 12&12 on Step Four before you actually begin writing. As you write, pray your way through the Step. Let God join in with you in this Step. Make Him a partner in this -- He's there to help you. You're not alone. Blessings on your journey, Mike D.
Also, you'll get a lot of good help from Stepchild. He's got your back. As you can see, you've got a lot of good friends here who have much to offer you and really want to help. We're all in this with you. Mike D.
Mike D, I will read what you suggested. I am a little fearful of going to my appointment today because my sponsor said we were going to talk about "fears" and "sex". The "f" word doesn't scare me as much; however the "s" word really does. I thought we had already talked about that in relation to if a resentment affected my "s" relations. Just writing that down was difficult for me and I admit, what I don't understand I am a bit of a skeptic. I really don't understand why I need to share any part of my "s" life with someone I barely know. Of course, when I was drinking, I probably didn't have as big a problem being more open about this subject. I cannot really remember what I "said" because I was drunk and because I was drunk, I know I did some things I am not very proud of. I have heard shares in meetings where others who were braver than me shared quite a bit about this subject. (cringe) It is good to know that you, stepchild and others care about me. That is a really good feeling. I care about all of you as well. It is nice to care about other people besides myself. Very refreshing--like a breeze of fresh air!
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 08:47:55 AM
Guess it was a good thing to have enough trust that this wouldn't look so absurd a thing to do and give it a try. It's a shame I felt I had to go to this length just to get this stuff done.
This is exactly how I felt after doing my fifth step with my sponsor. Exactly BTY. I just needed to have trust in God...And trust in someone. I was so self-centered and selfish...I didn't trust anyone. I almost felt like a fool....I had such a fear of this step beforehand. It was an incredible relief for me to unload it.
Here is a PS for you BTY. The Sex part of inventory has absolutely nothing to do with what you think it does. Talk to your sponsor today....Tell her exactly how you feel about it.....Let her explain it to you....Trust her. I actually came to find out there are people in this world that really wanted to help me....And I found them in AA. I started this trust in people with my sponsor.
And stepchild, I like what you said about taking an hour a day with God and the BB and working on my steps. I haven't really been doing enough of that I hate to admit. (However I don't think there is any fooling some of you as you are pretty perceptive and have called me on it more than once.
Do you mean?...."You can't bullsh!t a bullsh!tter"..... BTY? One hour....It's kind of hard to not be able to commit that much time to your recovery and to your higher power. That would be a little selfish....Wouldn't it?
Thanks so much, stepchild. I will. Now I had to come here to vent.... I am climbing on the cabinet to reach and get down the things on the top of the cabinet (don't have a chair that doesn't have wheels or a ladder). I found a shot glass which I had packed away yesterday behind plates which are on the top shelf of the cabinet (which I didn't bother with yesterday). I am so upset because I talked with my bf about this yesterday. I want all that stuff out of here and he unpacked that shot glass and "hid" it back in a corner of the top shelf where he thought I wouldn't see it! Also, I wanted to get rid of these glasses which look like martini glasses to me and he said he wants to keep them because they are dessert glasses. He may be right. Next time I fix something that goes into an etched long stem glass which resembles a wine glass on steroids I'll keep it in mind but seriously doubt I'll ever use them! Anyway, just mad. I have questioned several times if he is staying sober because of different things I have noticed. I realized that if he is drinking, that is him and this is me and I can only control myself. Just makes me mad the little geeser unpacked a shot glass after we talked about this. I took it out of the cabinet, but now wonder if I should just put it back. What do you think? I am going to try extremely hard to keep my big doughnut hole closed because I have too much I need to get done today and if I start up, that will affect my mood and zap my energy. To top it all off, he is on the phone with his ex-wife, who called about another problem (they don't have any kids so nothing to do with that). I am being tested, I think. :sad:
Sorry for the unload. Just frustrated and wanting to cry, but scared if I do I won't stop and won't work.
Talk it over with your sponsor BTY....While you are talking to her about your fourth step....That's today isn't it? Who knows....You might have to put the old geezer on your resentment list.
Talk it over with your sponsor BTY....While you are talking to her about your fourth step....That's today isn't it? Who knows....You might have to put the old geezer on your resentment list.
Several pages, stepchild, several pages already on that, sad to say.
Ok, All the wine glasses are gone, as are the empty "collectible" (big Ha! Ha!) wine bottles which were on the counter. I wanted to display my goofy bird and face cups as they make me smile whenever I look at them. I love candles and have lots of them. (Used to worry when I was drinking that I would set the paper towels on fire). I really had to scrub the top of the counter, which I was going to keep bare, but decided it was a good place for my cookbooks and some of my art pottery, which I love. After I got rid of the wine, champagne, other glasses there was so much more space and I put some of my cookbooks in there. There is a thermos cup (the dark Family Fitness one) which my daughter gave me after I first left. I was selling at a flea market and she gave me a few things to sell. I couldn't do it and kept them. The thermos reminds me of her as does the brown box (on a shelf under the microwave) which is a box of Bigelow teas she gave me the first year I left here. She stopped having anything to do with me after that up until this last time I got sober and she sometimes responds (one or two sentences) to my emails. I haven't been able to drink any of the tea she gave me as much as I love tea now. I think I am "hanging onto" to them for some reason. I scrubbed all the shelves and exterior and the physical "labor" was good to get over myself and my little mental hissy fit. So glad I kept my mouth shut and kept praying for strength to get this done or I think it would still be a mess. This still has quite a bit of "stuff" on it. I was hoping to go with the minimalist look, but sometimes quickly sometimes slowly comes to mind here. At least it is more organized and clean. It took alot longer than I thought and am glad I started on it yesterday. It feels good to get it done.
I have taken and will post my next messy area shortly.
Oh, and I'll work on finding a new home for Mr. Fish. (I love fishing and this is one of the fish we "caught" at a yard sale. He kind of creeps me out now , though, since I am getting things a little nicer in the kitchen.)
This is the cabinet above the sink. It doesn't look as bad in the pic (to me anyway) as it does in reality and especially when I am getting something out of there and other things start falling out in the sink. Especially aggravating when they fall into containers or dirty pans filled with water and grease. On the top of the cabinets are two toasters. The smaller one has Mickey Mouse on it and I was so excited because when I first found it at a yard sale, these guys were selling for $40 or $50 used. Then I noticed it had a bunch of scratches on it which I failed to see (need to get my eyes checked). So it has been up there for about three years. We also have three teapots two of them are on top of the cabinets. (I don't love tea that much). That big baker pan is one I got and is an eyesore in itself, however, I remember my mom having one just like it and fixing alot of turkeys in it, so it brings back some fond memories. Another memory was jogged a few minutes ago when I was getting ready to take this pic. On the far left hand side of the top of this cabinet, I used to hide my glasses of wine up there when I would be fixing and/or cleaning up the kitchen. I was the heaviest drinker of the two of us. My bf would try and cut me off after a certain amount. That had little effect on me, because I would just walk to one of the four places within two to four blocks of here and buy more, hide it and pour drinks frequently in the bathroom, because I hid the wine bottle in the dirty clothes. Then I just had to sneak it out of there without being seen which I was always able to do. My bf would come in the kitchen and never looked up that high where he would have seen my glass filled with wine right above our heads.
Here is the picture of the next area I am going to commit to clean within 24 hours....
Right stepchild, and I sure hope these postings of my junk help others besides me. This is just sooooo embarrassing
And if you think of another way I can help others through all of this, please let me know, as I am a very eager learner. Helps me remove myself from myself some. (That's another "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" thing.)
Stepchild wrote.... "Do you mean?...."You can't bullsh!t a bullsh!tter"..... BTY? One hour....It's kind of hard to not be able to commit that much time to your recovery and to your higher power. That would be a little selfish....Wouldn't it?"
You are right, and being selfish became my second career "choice" right after drinking. I need to look at it as "selfish" on my part by not doing that instead of a..."Damn, you mean I gotta do more work, stepchild?" sorta thing. I know I must be changing in this thick, marinated head of mine because it wasn't all that long ago that I would have taken what you said the wrong way and made it a whiney baby moment for me. I really and truly your input and honesty. I know I am changing, I just know it.
I'm not sure if you realize it, or not BTY, but you are not embarrassing yourself -- you are humbling yourself. That's healing. That's honest. That's open. That's willingness in action. You are growing spiritually. I applaud you. Keep it going in the Steps. Blessings, Mike D.
And if you think of another way I can help others through all of this, please let me know, as I am a very eager learner. Helps me remove myself from myself some.
I can think of one. Put the effort you are putting into your house into your fourth and fifth step....And further. And sharing with that hopeless face across the room that it's working for you. And it will work for them too. You can't be more useful than that. You can save someone's life. But they also mention in that book....
God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
We get that relationship right by working the steps....That is the Great Fact for us BTY.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 02:36:46 PM
I'm willing to do that. I am going to spend an hour a day as you suggested and that with the amount of time I spend on here and going to the meetings I think that should be a good amount of AA time which will hopefully keep me sober and help me be more able to help others which is what I have a desire to do--help others and that would be great if I am able to save lives.
I'm willing to do that. I am going to spend an hour a day as you suggested and that with the amount of time I spend on here and going to the meetings I think that should be a good amount of AA time which will hopefully keep me sober and help me be more able to help others which is what I have a desire to do--help others and that would be great if I am able to save lives.
That's good BTY...That's progress. You know I like to go to Big Book studies...First reason...It contains the clear-cut directions that allow us to recover....And the second reason...The book just plain facinates me. We were talking the other day....That there is an end point we reach here. A finish line if you will. A place that we work to get to. They talk about it in the 12th step.....
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps...
You notice it's "The result"....Not a result. It's all we are working for. Everything good....Is a result of that.
And they also talk about it in There is a Solution.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.
BB pg 25
So they say a few things there....Almost none of us liked it....It is required....And there is a successful consummation. Make a little progress everyday BTY...And you will get there.
Good job Stepdude, ... A lot of wisdom in your words ...
Sorry BTY, ... but the thought came to me about the old saying ... 'Cluttered house, means a cluttered mind' ... AND, since you're 'de-cluttering' both, just think of what that will be like when you're 'caught-up' ??? ... ... ... maintenance is a lot easier than fixing something that's broke ... you go girl ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
This thread is awesome. You go, BYT. It's a wonderful thing when the world we have created around us begins to change in ways that reflect the changes we have been experiencing on the inside.
Ok, it's done. Hopefully, I can revive the almost dead plant which I have neglected. It was beautiful with blooms shaped like balls which had little star shaped pink stars. I never could find out what it was. It is nice having a special place for all our teas instead of a place for the wine glasses. Still looks like lots of things in there, however, I think it is better. There seems to be a lot more to doing each job than I realize and it ends up taking me more time. I had to scrub the cabinets and cab. doors and it is beyond me how dirt can get inside closed cabinets! Anyway, trying to do this stuff earlier in the day as yesterday I was unable to work on my business at all and am behind in that. After my sponsor meeting, I was so wiped out I came home and took a three hour nap, which I hardly take a short nap! Instead of waking up refreshed, I felt "drugged" the rest of the day and was completely worthless to do anything except lay on my ass watching t.v. and eating a pizza from Pizza Hut! Felt guilty and miserable about that. With more bills to pay coming up, I cannot let myself take 3 hour naps and get behind on business. Also, as stepchild pointed out, it is important that I spend one hour a day working on my Step Work and I do need to put as much energy into that as into this housecleaning so my "interior" will be as "clean" (for lack of a better word right now) as my surroundings. I will say that doing each job just exhausts me! The scrubbing and cleaning stuff which I have put off for ages adds to my guilt and just the "stuff" is overwhelming. (And I have not even gotten to the "bad" areas yet). I am finding things in each area that bring back so much crap from when I was drinking. The mugs were filled with receipts which I would find and didn't understand or remember. When I was sure my bf was seeing someone else, there were restaurant receipts, gasoline even grocery store receipts (yep! I was a mess back then, checking store receipts for "cash back" and times of purchases to try and track his time when he was gone. I just cannot believe that I did all that and when I first got sober this last time I told myself that I was not going to be able to do all that snooping because like my mom told me, "If you look hard enough you are always going to find something." Probably she meant I would find stuff that really was nothing, but my mind would make something out of it. Which, it nearly always did and I was out the door buying more wine and/or beer. Hate to admit that big nasty about my snooping, but if it helps anyone else realize how much wasted time and bs it is, then I hope it helps by my "coming clean" about it. I'll post another pic before long but before I do I need to get in some business time and some God time with my stepwork. (Thanks, stepchild). And it really doesn't help for my bf to keep looking over my shoulder and tell me I am spending too much time on this board either.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 3rd of March 2014 09:56:17 AM
Next project for me....not sure if anyone is still checking here or not, but just by posting it on here helps me stick to it and the depression is getting a little better. Actually, some things out of the last cabinet I cleaned are here. I shuffled some things. So have to clean another small area to make room for them. Also going to clean another lower cabinet and not going to take pics of pots and pans. I'm committing to completing it within 24 hours, so that is tomorrow evening. (Now back to work--, darn the bills--While You Were Sleeping is on Lifetime--darn the bills. BTY
Well, I finished this area and for some reason, it is not letting me post it to this board. Maybe I have reached my "junk" limit. I am not going to start another posting because like I said, I don't want to take up this board for this kind of thing. It has really helped me get stuff which I have been unable to do taken care of and like I said, I haven't been as depressed, so that's an extra bonus. Thank you, MIP, for allowing me to de-clutter not only my living space, but my brain a bit, too. I hope that I will stick to doing things around here without this, as it was such a great motivator for me. If anyone read this and it helped them at all going through a similar experience, I would love to hear about it. Please PM me and we can exchange not only our alcoholism and recovery efforts, which will help both of us, we can also share our junk stories.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 4th of March 2014 11:22:02 AM
Just a side note here, ... but when I was just a few months sober, planning my day around a meeting, I got into this cleaning mood, mode, whatever, ... and I went through the whole house top to bottom ... for a long time, my wife kept say,n, 'I bet we got the 'cleanest' house in the neighborhood' ... (she wasn't complaining, mind you, UNLESS she couldn't find something .... then it was MY fault, LOL)
Seems in early sobriety, I couldn't find enough to keep me busy (out of my own head) ... so for a long time and still today, we've had, and I keep, a fairly orderly house ... I keep hearing in the back of my head, my Mom say,n that thing about 'a cluttered house means a cluttered mind' ... ... ... (it didn't help her keep an uncluttered house, LOL ... but I never forgot it) ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Dave...I am so glad that you feel my posting helped you....(scared you didn't I?) Makes me feel so much better about posting if it helps anyone else.
Pappy..the weird thing is, my mom still brings up my "cleaning moods". I was a clean freak when I was younger and couldn't stand "piles" of stuff. Not just my own either. I would get into one of my "cleaning moods" and tear through our house scrubbing, mopping, dusting and going through any "pile"...and by "pile" I mean like a stack of newspapers, school things laid on coffee tables or any flat surface. I couldn't stand "things" on surfaces and wanted everything in its place. I lost my Dad's drill when I cleaned the back porch (now that was a mess) one time and he never let me hear the end of it. I was losing my mom's, my sister's and my brother's things trying to organize their life as well as my own. Boy, I've changed! And you guys should consider yourselves lucky, as I haven't even gotten to the really bad areas yet. I am going to keep posting my b/4 and after pics on photo biscuit to hopefully stay motivated. (Unfortunately, Pappy I never did experience that kind of mood. I just am tired of the mess and forcing myself to do it as it really needs to be done. Oh, errr....will your wife let me borrow you for awhile? I figure it is going to take three of four months at least to get this in order, and I'm not kidding. Oh, and I love that "cluttered house/mind expression--how true in my case. My grandma used to say the "Cleanliness is next to Godliness". Guess I have been living next to the if that is true. LOL and love ya, BTY
((((((Butterfinger)))))))) It's great to see you again! I have missed you and your little smiling finger fella! Thank you for making me feel less crazy (in a bad way anyway For anyone interested, I am going to "continue" this thread by use of my little avatar and update it. I will change it to reflect what needs to be/has been done. That way, I won't be monopolizing so much space on this board and I can stay motivated, too. I'm not giving up, so you guys aren't rid of me and my mess just yet. Oh, Butter...I've noticed you have used the less than symbol and 3 on some of your postings. I've never seen that before. What does it mean? You take care and hope to see more of you on here. BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 01:40:13 PM
Jumped the gun....wanted to use a pic of the finished area. I have my AA and God-stuff here. Also have some AA speaker tapes which my sponsor loaned me. I kept losing them in my mess and was glad I found them. I love candles, too. The sculptural piece on top in the center is one that when you hit the dome shaped things together, it makes musical notes depending on which ones are hit together. I "played" this alot, while singing to the radio and sitting on the porch. One day, while I was "performing" a college aged girl in the apartment next to us slammed the window shut while I was playing and singing. It was kind of nice to irritate a young-un with MY loud music for a change. (or that was my thinking at that time. I haven't "played" it since being sober.
Yayy!! This posting is on the second page. Now I don't have as much fear and can really expose how I live! This avatar pic was taken at the back door. It is mainly tools which don't belong to me. It doesn't look as bad in the pic as it really is because there used to be an open section behind the cabinets which we spackled with more things. This area was used to store bottles of you-know-what because since the tools rarely got used, I knew my stash was "safe". (Although I wasn't BTY
I did finish this project a few days ago--believe it or not. However, I wanted to find a different place for the shovel, bucket which are still there. Now this is just plain laziness on my part, because I didn't want to fool with having to move other things to make room for them. I am just going to leave them there and figure out the next project. I am not sticking to this goal like I should be. I am going to try not to feel badly about it, as the time is gone. I used the excuse of a broom, a shovel and a bucket as my reason not to do finish this project up and move to my next one and also I know I kept telling myself that there are probably not that many people checking my posting anyway. Then I realized that my avatar has this area when it was messy and I don't have to post a thing! Not sure if that is "alcoholic thinking" or just "stupid thinking" on my part. Anyway, I have to remember that my reasons to do this which are to free myself up of the clutter and not worry about what others are thinking about me. Others have their own "clutter" to deal with and are way too busy to worry about mine--that's my job. "Keep my own side of the street clean" or "uncluttered". I really am hoping that by the time I finish the steps, my mind will be more uncluttered, too. I have a feeling that this stuff in here I live with on a daily basis is nothing to the mess in my mind from being an alcoholic.
How's that fourth step coming along BTY?....Are you setting an hour a day aside for that? Pray for the willingness to move forward.....We don't leave any shovels or buckets behind.
Stepchild, "Complete and total honesty in this program" (Right?) How I wish I could tell you I have been doing that but I feel like some famous guy with that hachet in my hand and a cherry tree nearby once was thought to have said...."I cannot tell a lie." (You might believe me, but God knows I'd be lying)...I regret that I haven't been doing that. Too many excuses --shovels and buckets--I could come up with however, they are just that--excuses. I'm a mess!
I have only worked some on my fears and resentments list but not a full hour a day.
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
From...How It Works. BB pg 58
Funny thing BTY.....The steps are the easier softer way. I had to work them to find that out. Have faith in the process BTY. And have faith in your HP to help you.
Whew! Coming "clean" totally exhausted me that time.... I have been looking/waiting for that question from you, stepchild. Kept telling myself that although I shouldn't use that as a reason for me to do the steps more thoroughly than I have been--because I should really WANT to do them, I have been dreading this moment. I did have time in my days where I would think "I should be working on my stepwork", and I just didn't. Anyway, I really appreciate your concern and wanting me to succeed in this program. My sponsor told me to just take my time and I have been the one who has cancelled appointments because I wasn't finished. I need a new strategy/organizational plan because the one I have been using isn't working. I'll get straight.Feel like I have let my ass curl up around my head and take over my brain. BTY
And I don't buy that taking your time BS either....If that's exactly how they recovered....They wouldn't say things like...."Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning," in the directions. I think there are plenty of people that didn't make it in AA that took their time. Don't be one of them. Nowhere in the book does it say to do that as far as working the steps goes.
OK...I am going to pull out my BB from a pile of stuff (shame shame on me but at least it is not on the bottom of the pile) and my 4th step notebook and plan on a certain time each day to just do it. I am better when I have things scheduled for a certain time rather than thinking "when" I have time. I am thinking first thing in the am when it is quieter and I have some alone time, because I wake up sooner, then I will be able to get this going in the right direction. Thank you stepchild.
Now were talking...Start with reading the directions. From "Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory...." on page 64...Up until page 71. If you have questions....Ask here. You'll get help.That's a promise.
Ok, Stepchild. I will. Thanks again for spending your time and trying to help me with this. Think if you were here to give me that physical "kick in the pants" it might have jolted me into reality, however, the postings will have to do and I appreciate it.
I am not sure if I have that Hoarders disorder or not. My daughter was seeing a therapist in the past and she took a picture of one of the rooms where I had my "inventory". She said the therapist blamed me for a lot of my daughter's problems and said that one of the biggest problems was that I was a Hoarder. The drinking was bad back then but not as bad and got worse after I moved from there. The place I am at now is a wreak. It is not just inventory to sell...it is clothes and other things as well. Piles and piles, boxes, stacks of books, etc. I don't even want the landlord coming in to fix anything for fear he will say something(we didn't use the gas heat in here because the pilot light had problems, and used those ceramic space heaters instead because of this and it got really cold some days). So this is really affecting so much of my life. I look at the boxes and piles of stuff intending to take care of them, and get so overwhelmed and more depressed and just feel unable to do anything about it. I am not buying hardly anything now and I could probably go a year or more without doing so, and still have plenty to sell. Anyway, the problem is compounded because my bf collects stuff himself and is about as neat as I am--which is not saying a lot. That doesn't concern me like it used to because I have more "stuff" than he does and 
I have realized that I don't have to be drunk to walk like a drunk because it is impossible to walk a straight line in this place. So I thought about posting pictures (just learned how to upload one to internet for this purpose) and committing to doing one area at a time. I am tired of telling myself I am going to clean any of this mess up. I never have followed through with it. So I thought if I took a before pic and posted it here and said that I am going to have this area cleaned up within 24 hours and then know I have to post an "after" cleanup of the same area, I may be able to do this because I am holding myself accountable for taking care of it and not putting it off and I know someone on this site might check back to see if I did or not. I am just going to use this one posting for this so I don't fill up the board with my sh**. (Literally and figuratively). I hope this is not offensive to anyone and I guess John, pinkchip or another moderator can pull this if it is crossing some kind of line. It takes alot of courage for me to do this as I am certainly extremely embarrassed by the state I have let not only this place get to, but my mind for being this way and for me to share this info as well as pictures of junk is extremely humiliating for me. I hope by doing so, that it may not only help me but others at the same time that are possibly having this issue. (Because I don't think there is anyone anywhere who really wants to live like this).
and one more thing....if you have a weak stomach you probably don't want to come back to this posting. I appreciate you letting me share. I really don't want to live like this and appreciate your patience. I will delete pictures I have completed before I post subsequent areas. Again, extremely embarrassing for me to do this 
. I'm just very hopeful it will help me.
enough about that.
me
