I know I can be long-winded so will try to make this brief...
Just got off the phone with my mom a while ago. Haven't seen her in the last few years because mainly of my drinking--you get it I know. Our relationship has been better since I have been sober and we have been emailing/phoning more because of that. In the past when I tried to get sober before and slipped, Mom would stop emailing/be more abrupt on phone, etc. She'd get mad I guess. She has been very supportive for the most part. I have told her, as I have shared a couple of times here on this board, about times when I almost started drinking. One time I did was several months ago and even though I did not drink she told me it was "too close" and that she thought I was beyond that point. She took several weeks to respond to my emails and after that was "cool" towards me. Again, I didn't drink.
Well, I told her about the other day when I was getting my shoes on to head out to get something to drink after a couple of rough days and contacted my sponsor and again, got through it without drinking. Her tone changed completely on the phone and then she asked me my day count and for the last three or so months I have to figure my exact day count out. I know I have more than 8 months. Well, this isn't the first time she asked how many days and I have been able to calculate it pretty quickly. Today, I told her "150", then I caught myself and told her that wasn't right because I have over 8 months. Then I remembered the day I reached that and figured it out. Then she asked if I was attending meetings everyday. I told her that I had reached the point that I didn't feel I needed to attend a meeting everyday and that if I felt like I was weakening and needed to go everyday I would. Well, that didn't help and she told me shortly after that she needed to go.
This has left me feeling pretty "blah".
My question is to other alcoholics.....should I even share with my mom and other people besides other alcoholics times like above when I am thinking about drinking? Now I feel like she thinks I have not been sober this whole time and that I lied (which alcoholics do sometimes).
Still long-winded, but you guys know me. Thank you.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 7th of February 2014 01:46:19 PM
should YOU share it with others? im thinkin its your choice and checkin motives will find the answer.
" Now I feel like she thinks I have not been sober this whole time and that I lied ."
what you feel and what is truth very well could be 2 different things.
I think I prob. was looking for approval by telling her I made it through another rough time without drinking.
Still need to stop being that little kid always wanting that praise.
You are right and I don't know what she is thinking unless I ask her and I am too scared to bring it up again anytime soon. Don't want to feel even more "blah" than I already do.
I bounced in and out of AA for about a year at first, then stayed sober for about ten months, when I had one more brief relapse before beginning my current long stretch of many years of continuous sobriety. Because of that in-and-out period, and because of all the lying and broken promises I had made before getting to AA to begin with, the people in my life had come to see that I was an "emotional bad investment". They had repeatedly been let down and hurt by my actions. This made them VERY cautious with their feelings about me and made them understandably very slow and reluctant to allow themselves to trust me. Not because they wanted to humiliate me or because they didn't care about me, it was because they DID care about me and didn't want to keep getting hurt by getting their hopes up only to have me disappoint them yet again. It took quite a while for them to feel that they could count on me to be sober and stay sober without a high risk that they were just setting themselves up to be hurt again. I think that if I had told these people about all the times I was thinking about drinking during my first year or two or three of sobriety, it would have really put them through hell. They would have been planning and re-planning my funeral over and over again, just as they had done while I was drinking. Even after 25 years of sobriety, I'm not sure there would be a good reason to tell the people in my life who are not in AA about those kinds of things.
When questioning whether I should tell someone something, I often use this test:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
If it's not AT LEAST TWO OF THOSE THREE THINGS, I need to practice restraint of pen and tongue to avoid causing unnecessary harm.
dave12and12.... I feel really bad now--which is worse than my "blah" feeling. I never looked at it the way you shared. I feel bad because I feel like I should have realized what you said without having to be told and am quite ashamed of myself. Thank you so much for posting and giving me a perspective which now that I know, I will try very hard not to share my weak moments with my mom or others not in AA. The last thing I want to do is cause any of them any more pain than what I have already caused. Great posts by you and tomsteve and I really appreciate both of them so very much. I'm feeling so much better now, and know how to handle this kind of thing in the future. So guys....you know what that means, don't you????? You can expect even more posts by me. Lucky, you...
Aw crud, BTY please don't let any of this stuff give your disease any ammunition to use against you. Alcoholism beat you up pretty good when you were drinking and now that you're sober, you don't have to put up with that any more. You've paid your dues and as long as you keep working on your sobriety it's all going to keep getting better from here on out. Maybe it will help to just realize that, one day at a time, you are building up evidence about your new sober life that will help to give those around you the assurance that over time they will be able to let their guard down without worrying about being hurt. And regardless of how long that takes, YOU already know that they won't be hurt anymore by your alcoholism.
From my example, I had really damaged my relationship with both of my parents by the time I got sober. But in time, by working the steps and letting things unfold on their own schedule, all of that was set right again. And what a miraculous gift that has been.
No, it doesn't happen overnight, which is probably just as well. We probably wouldn't be able to handle everything changing all at once. My old sponsor used to smile at me and say "I wish you a long, slow recovery". But as we keep piling up those days, and keep working through the steps to get more perspective about our life, and to set things right with those around us, things do change. And WE change. Sometimes in the most amazing ways. You're already well on your way through this process.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Friday 7th of February 2014 05:23:36 PM
Dave, I haven't heard "crud" used in a long time and for some reason, it triggered a memory or two and a smile. I love smiling now. I used to sit around drinking all the time with a big ole frown or scowl on my face. It's great to have more reasons to nowadays!
Thank you for your encouragement and knowing just what to say to make me feel better. I do enjoy sobriety so much and I guess I feel proud of myself each day I add another sober day to my "pile" instead of another wine cork or two to the piles of the ones I used to throw in the kitchen drawer (and you know, for some reason I haven't been able to open that drawer and get them out of there--there are dozens and dozens of them!)
I'll stop trying to look for approval from my mom and others. I think I have been potty trained by now and can deal with my own s*** and I graduated out of pull-up diapers years ago. (I don't think they even had pull-up diapers when I was a kid )
Good Morning BTY, In the earliest days of my sobriety, I always shared with other alcoholics (or, frequently my wife) when I felt like drinking because I knew that if I kept it a secret, I'd most likely drink again. I believe that your openness about your feelings is actually helping you stay sober. It's usually best to share with another alcoholic since they know better how to help us, but the main thing is that you don't keep your feelings a secret. Secret thoughts and feelings can be deadly to us. I'd say, keep being open and honest! It's WORKING! Blessings, Mike D.
It troubles me that every few months you are getting really close to drinking. At the same time you are telling your mom that you are good to go and are cutting back on meetings because of how well you are. It tripped of my BS meter. I BS constantly (unintentionally most of the time) and it is my loved ones and also my peers in AA and sponsor that check me.
When I get a reaction like that from someone, I don't immediately go into self-hate mode like I used to. I generally try and ask myself "What is it that maybe I ought to be doing differently?" My will is pretty destructive.
Anyhow, I don't know the specifics of your program, but it sounded like you were conveying some white-knuckle sobriety to your mom.
So.....Telling her about your sobriety is one thing. Telling her about your recovery is another. I believe your mom desperately wants to hear about your recovery and that means all the recovery things you are DOING. She likely does not want to hear what you are thinking about your sobriety because that has shown to be a load of BS a million times over.
Of course what you choose to tell her is your own business. Just adding my 2 cents on what might be going on in the interactions and trying to help you in whatever way to figure out your part in it.
Also BTY - I could be wrong. BUT if I trip on anything that's gonna help you, it's worth my saying it. You made it this far. Your HP wants you sober. It kind of sucks that most conversations whenever I open up about what's going wrong in my life wind up coming back to the same question "What do I need to do differently in my program?" As much as I'm annoyed by that at times because I want to think I'm doing everything right, I never am and it's all a journey of change and self-discovery.
As far as still getting that close to drinking? That's my concern. I know your mom and you are going to progress to a better relationship if you just stay sober. So...address that? How are the steps coming? Are you really going to enough meetings? Are you getting involved in AA enough. Are you doing service? Those are questions for you to answer for you...not me. (and yes, I have to ask myself those all the time still after 5 years).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Mike D. and pinkchip....I really appreciate your responses. I have to get ready to leave in a few minutes and will answer them asap. And pinkchip.....your posting is well-taken by me and again, very much appreciated.
Pinkchip....thanks for your post again....i like how you pointed out the difference between sobriety and recovery and I tend to think they are the same thing. There are other things I could be doing which would help me more and I realized that after reading your last paragraph so this week is going to be better hopefully.
I do need to look up that "white-knuckling" thing because I am not really sure I know what it means and it is the second time in last two days I heard it.
Thanks again for posting.
Good thread BTY , ... and great responses ... I can't add much more than for me, I learned to keep my sobriety problems in the rooms of AA and with my sponsor ... I found that the more sober time I accumulated, the more trust I earned with my family ....
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy. I did call mom yesterday and told her I was a bit paranoid because I was concerned she might second guess whether or not I really had been sober this long because of my "shares" with her. She said for me not to worry and that she was so proud of me. In the future, though, I think I will not burden her or other family with my weak moments and save those for this board and AA meetings.
That sounds like a plan you checked against your HP to me ;) I was told 'first it was all about you and your drinking... now it's all about you and your recovery/sobriety... what about them?'
All this meant was... give them some space and time to heal from the affects of alcoholism in their life too. Give them the opportunity to sort out their feelings, learn to take care of them on their own, and be responsible for themselves... just like you are.
I learned to turn to my all loving hp for love/affirmation/validation instead of my parents. I set them free to just be imperfect people along side of me, loved equally by a HP of their own, who has them where they need to be too. I was shown how to release my needs from them, and just enjoy them for who they are... faults and all... many of our dysfunctions go back for generations... and they certainly did not ask to grow up to be dysfunctional or not know how to be the best parents like on the movies.
Once I realized that it was more sad than anything, I had empathy for them - and was able to pray that all the goodness in the world come to them. Praying is an action. Better actions lead to better thinking. Meditation on the "God doesn't make junk" slogan allows me to realize that who I am is good enough, that HP never gives up on me, and that I am so dearly loved by Him. This has filled my empty love tank and the need for outside validation and affirmation. From there, I work step 3 and try and be the reflection of my HP to gain self worth, self esteem and self confidence. This reaffirms that God is always with me when I turn my face to the light of the spirit - and I always have with me all I need. xxxx
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
We hurt a lot of people when we were drinking. When they hear we're struggling or that we've had a close call they become fearful of being hurt again. I understand that. I think we should choose our words wisely when sharing our progress with them. We've caused them enough worry and grief. There's no need to subject them to our hourly recover ups and downs. They just need to hear that we didn't drink that day and have no plans to drink tomorrow.
Lucky, you... 
But as we keep piling up those days, and keep working through the steps to get more perspective about our life, and to set things right with those around us, things do change. And WE change. Sometimes in the most amazing ways. You're already well on your way through this process.