Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.
Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.
Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.
Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.
The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.
The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.
The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.
The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.
Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.
The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.
Why do people have trouble developing trust in others?
People have trouble developing trust if they have:
Experienced a great deal of emotional and/or physical abuse and/or neglect.
Been chronically put down for the way they feel or for what they believe.
Been emotionally hurt in the past and are not willing to risk getting hurt in the future.
Had problem relationships in the past where they were belittled, misunderstood, or ignored.
Experienced the loss of a loved one through death. They can get so caught up in unresolved grief that they are unable to open themselves up to others, fearing they will be left alone again due to death, or, abandonment.
Experienced a hostile or bitter divorce, separation, or end of a relationship. They may be unable to believe anyone who opens up to them in a new, committed relationship.
Been reared in or have lived in an environment emotionally and/or physically unpredictable and volatile.
Experienced a great deal of pain at the hands of another. Even if the other finally recognizes and accepts the responsibility to change such behavior, the person fears that if they let their guard down, the pain and hurt will begin again.
Low self-esteem and cannot believe that they are deserving of the attention, care, and concern of anyone. They have problems even trusting the positive, healthy, and reinforcing behavior of another who is sincere.
Experienced a great deal of non-provoked victimization in their lives. They are unwilling to trust people, situations, or institutions for fear of being victimized again.
What are some beliefs of people who have problems trusting?
I have been hurt too much in the past, and I refuse to be hurt again now or in the future!
People are out to get all they can from you, so avoid them to survive
As soon as you let your guard down, you will be stepped on again!
No one is to be trusted!
You always get hurt by the ones you love!
I get no respect from anyone!
All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted!
Everyone is out to get me!
I am never successful in picking partners, so why try again!
As soon as you care and open up to someone, they will always leave you!
Marriage is the pits!
There is no such thing as a healthy relationship!
You can never let your guard down because all hell will break loose!
All reformations are short-lived!
If I give in and believe you have truly changed, relaxing my defenses, I am most certainly going to be hurt again once you backslide!
There is no such thing as change in behavior. It is only manipulation by others to get their way with you!Everyone is out to get as much as they can out of you!
There is no such thing as a fair employer, generous company, or supportive work place!
It is better to live alone for the rest of my life than to risk being hurt as I was!
I will never let you know my true feelings again since, if I do open up, I'm afraid you will use them against me to hurt me!
What behavioral traits do people need in order to develop trust?
People need to develop the following behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs in order to develop trust:
Hope in the goodness of mankind:
Without such hope people can become emotionally stuck, reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not evil, bad, or ill-willed.
Faith in the fairness of life:
This faith in fairness is similar to the ``boomerang belief,'' that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually ``get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway later in this life or in the next.
Belief in a power greater than yourself:
This is the acceptance of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience, whatever you will encounter in life. Rather than believing that you are 100% in control of your destiny, belief in this spiritual power enables you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you accept God's will in your life and enables you to let go of your distrust and isolation from others. If God is in control of the universe, you can lighten your load and let God do some of the leading in your life. `"Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.
A healing environment:
This is the creating of a trust bond with the significant others in your personal life where blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode the participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues. The participants are then willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.
Reduction of a sense of competition:
This reducing of competition, jealousy, and defensiveness with significant others in your life is a way to reduce the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual trust.
Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts:
Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and the significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.
Taking a risk to be open to others:
This enables you to become a real person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.
Becoming vulnerable:
This enables you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for who they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.
Letting go of fear:
Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.
Self-acceptance:
Accepting who you are and what your potential is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
good topic. but ya know,, this assumes that if I don't trust someone it is my fault because of past issues,,, however,,, some people are untrustworthy. Some people are really dangerous, whether to a minor degree, like they will put you down if you are honest and yourself when the next disagreement comes up, and they say they will be there but when the need comes they are gone, whether emotionally or physically or both,,, or to a major degree that they may actually become so abusive that you will be seriously hurt.
The only One I really trust is God. And God can handle the rest of it all.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
ACCEPTENANCE---WE HAVE TO ACCEPT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE, NOT WHAT WE THINK THEY SHOULD BE. WE ALSO HAVE TO ACCEPT WHAT THEY SAY. WE DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.
THATS WHERE I WAS COMING FROM. WHAT STEPS? What program are they working?
Trust is something I have to work on. I am very cautious when I first meet someone, it takes awhile before I can feel comfortable around them. If I hear someone telling other peoples stuff, I don't share mine with them. Plain and simple...
I have a few friends that I can really trust...they know ME and love me anyway! I agree I can trust God 100% and I can pray for Him to put people, a support system, if you will...in my life that I can trust. It's kind of like having God with skin on type-people, not that any human can ever be God. We all need human contact, we can learn to trust if we want to. But just like anything it takes time and putting myself out there to be vulnerable.
I have found myself not being as open in AA meetings lately, there are a few newcomers there and I'm not sure I can trust them yet. I know this will pass, it always does...I'm aware that I feel this way and I can work on it.
Another good topic Phil. Thanks everyone for your honesty, that's what I like about this forum...being honest and open without anyone trying to tell me how I must feel.
Someone is saying to me that if I don't trust people then I have a problem... yes.. I have a problem with untrustworthy people. but that does not mean that I avoid everyone. I guess some people decide who they trust and stay with them, and avoid people they don't trust. I am glad you have some people that never make mistakes on you, and never goof up on you, and never get in bitchy moods, and never get the least bit selfish.... I don't know anybody like that. I know poeple who do their best, and are sincere, and don't mean to hurt anyone.. but they goof up too.. and actually, Phil, you are one who has hurt me.
But, because people have a tendency to look our for number 1 and put other people second, doesn't mean I don't deal with them. It means that sometimes I take calculated risks, knowing that it is a risk. I go into relationships with my eyes open. I actually do have some of what you call 'tolerance', patience, and I accept that this person is a fallible human being and is going to fall short of perfection and of filling my needs many times before we're done. I get angry and honestly discuss problems, but I don't hold on to things. I have to let things go and go on. Like we are doing. That's where forgiveness comes in too. We goof up, forgive each other, and learn and grow and go on.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
hmmmm-Well Amanda...Im sure if I hurt you in some way...it certainly was not intentional...I sincerely apoligize...
If you wish to discuss it with me...I would be more than willing to take to to the Private Message Sector...or the chat room...or even the phone..
As for people in my life that I trust 100 percent...they are human...of course they goof up and screw up..the same as we do...and if there are any small harms done, unintentionally... on their part...my trust doesnt waiver...its like you say..its about forgiveness...and carry on...
Have a good day...
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Could be another case where we mean slightly different things while using the same word. And it could be also that we 'trust' people in different ways. I do not trust that people won't hurt me,, cuz they do, whether on purpose or by accident. What I do is to accept the person as is, and deal with the situation accordingly. When cousin Joe is here,,, I lock up my valuables. When baby June is here, I put things out of baby reach. When my sister is on the phone I'm prepared for her to try to make me scapegoat. I love em all, but trust?
Maybe we can talk about what the word trust means, and what we do with various people who can be 'trusted' in some ways and not in others. I mean besides this excellent article.
I have been told that people with PTSD, which I have, especially when earned by extraordary abuse from early ages,,, have lost a basic sense of security. People with nice, safe, warm, gentle people around them have more trust,, because they figure the odds differently than people who have been surrounded with dysfunctional others.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Wow, one of my favorite issues. I find that if I have a vested interest in another, than trust becomes an issue. As I get stronger in my own right, than I am able to trust others. I have to assume my responsiblity to the relationship, which means owning up to listening with my heart and mind, not just hearing the words and looking for put downs. We are all falable, I have said and done things that have hurt others, not because I wanted to, but because I didn't think before I spoke, or didn't understand where the other was coming from, if everyone around me just kissed me off because they didn't think they could trust me, that would be awful, and they would miss out also, as I am a pretty nice lady.
Having said that, I also agree that there are some that really should not be trusted. So I avoid those people to the best of my ability, and am circumspect when around them. I do not feel I should "lay my pearls out before swine", no where in the Big Book does it say I should open myself up to being hurt, or patronized, or put down. Life is too short to set myself up to feel resentments. Sometimes I just have to "consider the source".
To my way of thinking, Life is a total responsiblity trip, and I am in charge, I choose to turn to my higher power for guidence and support, I choose which people I let into my life, I choose how I handle the situations I am in, and, sometimes I even choose the situations. I also, at some points ask God why I put myself in this position? Usually when I have royally screwed up, but I have to remember, I did it.
When I use my heart and head together I am able to find the peace within myself to trust, God and others, let God and live with joy.
This is just my thoughts, but it is what I live with. Hope someone gets something from my share. Go with peace and love.
