I just drifted back to the keyboard, after emerging sort of dazed from my shower.  Just prior, I read a PM regarding a positive decision someone was making for themselves.  The very mind blowing thing about it was, I had been praying for this very decision to come about almost word for word as it came about.  I never prayed for the person to label themselves, set the 'crutch' down NOW, or much of anything about the crutch other than to let it not get in the way of this persons road to recovery.  I sent out the prayers to the universe with no expectations, no 'ultimatums' and no time frame.  Part of me assumed that this person would carry on for a while, work the steps - maybe do the steps down the road again with a little more time in the program, and then be more ready to set the crutch down, do the steps again, and really have a mind blowing experience as a result of the clearer thinking this would bring about.

To go from a person who wanted what I wanted, the way I want it, and NOW - to this person who can pray and put faith in a HP to put me, and everyone else on the path he needs us, and be okay with it - is truly a miracle.  And even more - the answers that do come exactly how I pray for them - are really that much more special.  I let go and let God with my husband when I wanted him to get into recovery.  I didn't even think to ask that he get into recovery and also be one of the few who "get it" and "work it".  But he is.  It's more than I ever could have dreamed or even ask for.  I wouldn't have even  known what to ask - or how to ask for it.  Instead, when I was so unbelievable lost and broken up about the state my husband was in, I would pray for him a simple prayer "God, please bring to him, everything good in the world you have to offer".   He walked into recovery and said "I see something I want too in my wife.  That's why I'm here".  I didn't ask for these kinds of pats on the back or even dream to ask such an amazing thing be said!  And by this time... I was through my steps, and I already knew that anything my husband saw in me, was just the result of HIS HP trying to reach him through me.  I didn't HAVE TO take credit for ANY of it at all.  It was nice of him to say... I just continued to pray for him... that he see who REALLY brought him to recovery's doorstep.  That he feel the gratitude I felt.  When my EGO was out of it, I was able to stand humbly with God and work as a useful instrument right through the high points like this, as equally as the low points that were an inevitable part of life. 

When I came to the 12 step program on my hands and knees begging for help through my tears... I asked an even simpler prayer "God, please help me".  It was the first time I spoke to Her in decades.  Later that week, my daughter told me she met God when she was born.  I asked what he looked like... she said "spinning".  I said - how do you know it was God?  I had never mentioned the word God in this house, nor had she been exposed to any religion.  She said "I know God, I know he loves me and you".  She was 2.   

She happens to be spinning right now next to me here in the living room.

Sometimes when she asks me to snuggle - just out of the blue - I know it is God holding us in Her heart.  It is always precisely when I'm feeling far away.  I now know that my HP was always waiting for me, and never gave up on me though I had given up on it.

When I got here - I had no belief in God, in fact I was sure that I knew there was no God.  I had to discover that saying "I know" is impossible for me as a human.  This opened the door to me saying "I don't know".  My God to this day is still "I don't know".  I don't have a religion that I follow, or any one certain idea about it, but I do believe that God is everything, and like a friend of mine often says - shortened up, his 11th step meditation is simple:  God is.

I sometimes wonder if people will think I am something I'm not, using the English word God that is used for religious purposes mostly.  I can't think of a better word - so I sometimes say God, sometimes HP, sometimes Him, sometimes Her, sometimes It - but to me, it's more:  IS 

I trust now that no matter what people think of my idea of God, doesn't matter much.  To each their own.  What other people believe is none of my business.  What they believe I believe isn't either.  I am confident that we are exactly where we need to be.  If it bothers some - and they leave because I sound too religious - then they will learn the lessons in open mindedness in HP's time just like I did.  It's was a process for me - to not judge religious people harshly - and treat them the way I wanted to be treated as a 'non-believer' when I walked in.  It was hearing stories like these here in recovery, that opened my ears and allowed me to think like someone other than me for the first time.

I've hung around long enough now to have seen miracles with my own eyes - big and small... hahaha... is there really a small miracle?  The spiritual moments in recovery are proof enough for me.  The fact that I am alive and free of the bondage of self is enough - the rest are just cherries on top the cake.  Today was a big one, that I will never forget.  I will ad it to the pile of the few other big moments in the light of the spirit.  And the cool thing is - no matter what the results, it will always be special as it is right now.  It has nothing to do with the future or past, it is this spiritual moment that I will cherish - more proof that 'God is'. 

Thanks for being here :)  xxxoxoxooxoxo