Today I might have broke two toes. It hurts so stinkin much! I found that I was pretty angry for no apparent reason for a while after. I guess pain has always triggered anger in me, and I suppose it's pent up anger that I haven't released appropriately. I'm just guessing here... but this has been on going since I was a child. Maybe it's just normal to feel anger along with pain? I have never read much about this sort of thing or heard it talked about much here in recovery. I'm open to any and all ideas or knowledge you guys have.
One thing that is odd is that I am sitting here with the throbbing, and it's been a while now, so I feel peaceful with the pain. Hmmmm
I'm also feeling pretty excited about the prospect of our move this spring being to a warmer climate! I knew that HP was going to bring something amazing to the table as a result of this terrible thing with our neighbor and Layla. I have been praying for patience because my sponsor told me it could be decades before I see why this was part of Her/His plan. Well I've been begging and pleading with my husband for a decade now to GET ME OUTTA HERE! But then when it comes down to it, I'm always afraid to leave my parents behind, because I'm the only one left to help them in their old age (we are not into nursing homes or daycares in our family). My husband has always been against moving south, so I always pushed it out of my mind. Well - to make a long story short - he wasn't against it this time. Our house didn't sell this past fall/winter when we listed it to get away from our neighbor for Layla and all our sake - so we lost the house in town we were interested in. Now, it looks like we might be moving to North Carolina instead - my husband found work, and I can work from home doing lessons anywhere easily. So here this whole time that I thought our house not selling, and this whole abuse thing could have no good end... it might just be the BEST ending EVER! We will be FAR far away from the perpetrator. We can heal and not have constant reminders. We can get a fresh start in a climate I've always dreamed of... and best of all, when I spoke to my dad about it today - he was HAPPY about it! I had been dreading this forever! He told me he would never want to hold us back from our dreams and happiness. This is something like full circle because he is the alcoholic, and he's really turning it all around the last couple years... it's inspiring to watch.
Anyway - I told the kids of the move, and again braced myself for them to be sad - but they were THRILLED beyond measure!!!!! They've been bouncing off the walls and day dreaming of their new rooms and so on... where as before they were dragging their feet complaining about it, saying they didn't want to leave our hobby farm and house that they loved. Now they are just over the moon excited, and I am just sitting here trying to take this all in as I suppose there is a small part of me that thinks the rug will be pulled out again. The only cool thing is... now I see that every time the rug is pulled out... it just means HP has something EVEN better in store... and all I have to do is pray for the patience :) Love you guys
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Good afternoon Tasha, It's always good to hear from you. You know how much I love reading your introspective and soul-searching posts. I'm feeling happy for you that it looks like things might finally be working out well for you and your family. Yes you're right, God has always been taking care of you all along. Sorry about the busted toes. OUCH!! How'd you do that anyway? Speaking of your toes, I'm gathering that you're asking for some feedback on why physical pain would trigger anger. Well, I can't speak for you. I can only speak for myself in that regard here. But, here goes: Years back, whenever I had physical pain, or even a significant level of discomfort, I used to get mad as hell. But, over the years of working this Program, I finally saw that I reacted that way to pain because my prideful, egotistical self took it as a personal insult. It was like I thought that it shouldn't be happening to me -- even though I knew full well that many other human beings in this world suffer intense chronic pain everyday. My outlook was that it was just terribly wrong that it was happening to ME. Anyway, that's what I discovered about myself.
After years and years of asking myself the big question "Why" about so many things about myself, I've almost always found that anytime I find myself disturbed for any reason, my pride is at the root of it all. I see it all the time. Each time I see it, at least I know the cause. And, knowing the cause makes it possible to make changes. My defect of pride has always been my greatest liability in life, and it has caused me more emotional pain than any physical pain I've ever suffered. Will I always have pride to some degree? Probably. Probably until the day I die. However, I know I'll always have some degree of physical pain from time to time too. It's all part of living in this world as a human being.
And, that's sort of what it all comes down to: We're humans.
I hope you won't mind (or be offended) if I also give you my take on the whole idea about God (HP) directing and planning everything that happens in this world. This is merely from my experience of God and my experience of humanity. When God created humanity, He gave us Free Will. God is good and He only does good in this world. Humans sometimes do evil things to other humans in this world. When a person does evil, that person is acting on self-will. They are not acting on God's will. Evil actions are never part of God's plan for anyone. But, God can take an evil human act and create good out of it. I've seen Him do it in my life over and over again.
I hope this helps you. But, if not, just feel free to discard it. Like I said, it's only one persons perspective on all of this. I could be wrong. I've been wrong plenty of times. Watch those toes!
Wow Mike, what a great response ... I can see the 'author/writer' coming out in you ... SORRY about your toes Tasha ... "PUT ON SOME SHOES FOR goodness sakes" ...
AND, it IS exciting that your moving South ... we need some more 'rednecks' down here, LOL ... ... ... WARNING, ... the food is different ... but good ...
And you'll not see the 'below' O temps very often at all ... LOL ... AND you'll be very close to John, the owner if this site ... you need to hook-up with him and Violet ... and give us all the details ... oh, and I think Dean's mansion in the mountains will be nearby as well ... ... ... WOW, ... this IS getting interesting ... (Tenn. is just a hop, skip, and a jump from there) ... give a call ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Pappy, I've lived in the middle of Iowa all my life, and put up with our extremely cold, stormy, and snowy winters all my life. Yeah, I guess I'm pretty well used to it at this point, but I'd love to live in the South right about now. Trying to keep warm...Mike D.
You just reminded me of something. 21 years ago I lost my job and the plans for my dream house were thrown into garbage. However I built a little cottage which my new sponsee drew a picture of. My children, then 10 & 7 were reluctant to move. I had no choice but to move. Reluctantly they moved house.
This little cottage has been a haven for my family and all the AA people and their family. It's been a resting place for tired travellers, a refuge for sick people and God's dwelling place. My daughter is now married and building a house just like mine in the next road from me.
God is good Tasha!
What a great thread...Good stuff. Congrats on the news JAD! You know when I have a problem with my foot...I try and 10th step it....But I'd be lying to you if I said when I slam a couple toes into a chair leg....It didn't p!ss me off just a little bit.
Great post Stepman, ... for goodness sakes, ...... SOLUTION ... SHOES!!!!!! .... ... ,... although ... a lot of us Southerners don't wear them, LOL ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
about your toes Tasha ...