My ex and I have been keeping in touch by email since I left him in 2008. We have a daughter and unlike what happens in some breakups where neither partner has anything to do with the other, we still "talk". God Bless the man, because after the way I treated him, he's amazing. None of his other family members have anything to do with me. His mom, who was 91, has been very ill and he has been keeping me up-to-date about her for the last few weeks. I have had her and her family in my prayers everyday. For quite a bit of that time, I have been feeling so much guilt. So many memories and I always felt like her advice was her being nosy and trying to tell me what to do because she felt I was incapable of being a good wife and mother. My ex and I got in so many arguments because of it. I felt like I didn't have the guts to tell her to stay out of our business and that if he cared about me, it should be up to him. (How immature and selfish of me.) I listened to advice on cleaning, cooking, mothering and more. I didn't look at it that she was trying to help me. I made something bad out of it and didn't think about all the many wonderful things she did when I was married to her son for 22 years. I could list them here, but there are really too many to list. She was a wonderful mother to her children, a wonderful grandmother, a devoted wife. She spoiled my kid rotten with unconditional love.
My ex messaged me and said she had passed away this am. Memories are flooding my mind and I am worried about my ex, my daughter and the rest of the family. I am no longer a part of them anymore and cannot even attend the funeral as none of them care for me. But I will remember this woman for the rest of my life and thank God for being given the chance to know such a wonderful person. It is too late to make amends to her in person. Had I been more serious and gotten a sponsor sooner, I may have had the opportunity to do so. I will write a letter anyway when I reach that point in my step work as it is very difficult now dealing with all the guilt I have for not telling her when I had the chance how much I really did care and love her and how much I appreciated the love she gave to me and to my daughter and apologize for anything I said or did which may have hurt her.
Very sad right now and I thank you for letting me get this out.
Dear BTY, I'm very sorry to hear that you lost this great person in your life. Just take it one day at a time and pray. Your recovery will be a gift to her. Blessings, Mike D.
Sounds a lot like the situation I had with my mom ... this is where I did a graveside amends ... and I know she was there with me at the time ... Sorry to see you going through this, but it is part of life ... and it's how we deal with it that makes the difference ... Love ya ....
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I relate to the sadness in loss and also use gratitude as you do to balance it. I've come to see my sobriety as an amends in my life with the others I share my life with now in a much different and more acceptable way than when I was under the influence. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Mike D., Pappy and Jerry. Today I am more worried about my ex. My daughter went with him to take care of the funeral arrangements, which amazes me, because she has always kept everything in and wanted little to do with anything related to death. I blame myself because I have been that way --not attending funerals of people I should, not talking enough about people who have passed, etc. It was almost like a taboo subject in our home for some reason. But I am glad she went with him and her aunt. I ordered some flowers for them last night and even had a hard time coming up with the right words to put on a card and not knowing if I should use "Love" on the card because of the breakup. How ridiculous of me, but that is what I am dealing with, as always have had a problem with that kind of thing. So you can see where she gets it from. Now I am worried if they will be at home today to accept the arrangement, as I didn't think it would be appropriate to message him letting him know I had ordered them. (It's still about me, I'm afraid.) I'm just so backward about all of this and it is kind of sad that in emails to my ex yesterday, I struggled with the right words to come up with to help him.
Hi BTY, Never mind how much you struggle to find the "right words" at a time like this. That's perfectly normal. We all struggle with it, I think, because we're probably afraid our words might not be adequate. I've felt the same way many times. What matters most is the things that you've done to show that you care....like sending the flowers. Good job! You're doing the right things. You don't need to worry about your ex. All you need to do is be of service as best you can. Worrying about him won't help him. Your loving actions will. Keep things simple. Keep praying...and take it one day at a time. You're doing better that you think you are. Mike D.
