I am still fairly new at this myself, GTT, so hopefully some "oldtimers" will respond to your post, as well, and give their thoughts on your question. I don't share anything so personal in my meetings, whether open or closed, that I wouldn't share with people closer to me. I have heard shares from others which is too much information than what I care to here, although if it is helping that other person share it, that is a good thing. I have shared much more on this board than I probably should have and then what I have shared in meetings.
I think the "searching moral inventory" we take includes so much more personal information and I probably don't want to discuss too much of this in any AA meetings nor will feel the need to discuss it with family, close friends unless it is something that has caused pain and harm to them, and I am not sure at this point how much of the details are really necessary for me to share with them. The main thing is not to cause them further pain by making amendments.  That is my understanding anyway.
I remember you on this board a while back. It is good that you are still sober and good to see you back.

GoingToTry wrote:

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Hi everyone,

I have a question about sharing. In AA recovery and the 12 steps one takes a searching moral inventory and shares it with another human being (most likely a fellow AA member and\ or sponsor). In closed AA meetings there is a lot of sharing going on about the experience of drinking and members become very comfortable with being honest about drink entire experience. So my question is; is all of this something you share with your significant other\ family\ friends? When I say that I mean the exact nature and details of the "secret life of drinking" and all the consequences of it. Is this a good idea?

Thanks for your feedback.

BTW, I'm still not drinking nor will I.

Thanks

 

GTT

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 For me GTT, steps 4 and 5 go far beyond what I would share in a meeting ... ... ... and it took me a while before I felt confident that I had a sponsor that I could trust with my deeply personal inventory ... (I've known some to go to clergy or even a monk for step 5)(someone they didn't know, just to keep their personal life confident) .... 

And I surely wouldn't want to share my 'thinking' nor 'defects' with my wife, family, or friends that were 'me' prior to working the steps ... this would serve no growth or progress in the program ... I think it would only serve to give others a reason to despise me ... 'forgiveness' is not a common trait seen with most people ... 

My take on this is that we do a step 5 for the reason of admitting out loud, that we are defective, that it takes on a special significance when admitting to God you have these defects and you want them to be removed ... cause if we didn't do this with another human being, then we might short step ourselves when it comes to handing all this over to God ... 'Total honesty' here, is a must ... ... ...  

I also am guided by step 9 and at the same time the tradition on anonymity.  I work that step with a sponsor and also  sponsees as shared experience to support sobriety.  Some of my mis-behaviors when I was drinking almost got me killed and I have had to be very intelligent about how I do that step.    Good post.

GoingToTry wrote:

---

Hi everyone,

I have a question about sharing. In AA recovery and the 12 steps one takes a searching moral inventory and shares it with another human being (most likely a fellow AA member and\ or sponsor). In closed AA meetings there is a lot of sharing going on about the experience of drinking and members become very comfortable with being honest about drink entire experience. So my question is; is all of this something you share with your significant other\ family\ friends? When I say that I mean the exact nature and details of the "secret life of drinking" and all the consequences of it. Is this a good idea?

Thanks for your feedback.

BTW, I'm still not drinking nor will I.

Thanks

 

GTT

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 there was a popular belief here, fostered by the now closed national treatment centre, that steps four and five are the same thing. The practice was to write a life story, read it to a deaf priest, then burn it. This is a long way from what is described in the book.

Step 4 looks at causes and conditions. What is it about our character (defects) that causes our failure. It is more or less about how we react to life when sober. We usually find self centredness at the heart of things, continually making decisions basd on self, perhaps living by instinct and fear, which put us in collision with our fellows, or as the book says, put us in a position where we can later be hurt. We may also behave badly in other areas, sex conduct, harms to others, and at least in my case, I came to understand that this behaviour, rooted as it was in the satisfaction of my base instincts, was the very thing that made me miserable in life, that gave me the pain that only drinking seemed to fix.

I still have my fourth step. It could be read by anyone and do no harm. It simply identifies my character defects, with examples, in a way that it was possible for me to begin to see what the trouble was. I then had to go MUCH further. I moved on to the next chapter in the book, chapter 6, into action. Note that step 5 is ina different chapter.

So, I had my inventory, and was ready for a long talk. This was confession, the cleansing of my soul. Though not religious, that seems the best way to describe it. The issues were not only my defects of character, but also the specific nature of my wrongs. The book talks about "certain episodes at which he is revolted, he hopes he was not observed, he tries to push these memories deep inside, hoping they will never see the light of day"... These memories haunted me

This is quite a different thing than the 4th step. The book suggests great care in selecting who should hear this intimate step, suggesting someone who we are sure will keep a confidence, not necessarily an AA member, in fact the book does not directly suggest an AA member. This stuff is not for meetings nor is it for anyone who might be hurt by our disclosures, and it is not in writing. But for me anyway, it was essential in order to stay sober.

God bless,

MikeH

It's great the you are seeking information about this stuff and that you are working on your recovery. But I have to say, GTT, that you are dealing with some fundamental and very important issues like "what should I tell or not tell my family" and "how do I work a fourth and fifth step". And dealing with those kinds of questions without the one-on-one help of a sponsor who has experience with these things, and whom you have chosen because you can see that this person is living a sane and sober life that you want for yourself, is really doing things the hard way and adding a lot of risk to the process that you don't need. I encourage you to find someone whom you can trust, and who has clearly worked the steps and, as a result, has the kind of sober life that you want for yourself, and ask them to help you with your recovery by acting as your sponsor and showing you how they did it. You deserve the best chance possible with your recovery. There's nothing to gain by making things unnecessarily risky or difficult  by trying to do it on your own. The help is there for you. You've earned it.