The decision to forgive yourself or somebody else is a vote to live in the present moment. "I'll never forgive my mother for that!" "I can't forgive myself!" Are these familiar expressions? If we refuse to forgive somebody then we are really saying, "Instead of taking some action to improve matters, I prefer to live in the past, and blame somebody for it. (or blame myself)," When we won't forgive ourselves, we are actually choosing to stay on a guilt trip so we can put ourselves so we can put ourselves through some extra mental anguish.
Forgiving Others - Some people seem to have forgiveness figured out backwards. They think that if they won't forgive their mother for being nasty, it is their mother's problem. It is not their mothers' problem; it is theirs! When we withhold forgiveness, We suffer. Half of the time, the "guilty" person doesn't even know what is going on in our head! The "guilty" party continues to happily breeze through life while we put ourselves through so much mental anguish.
If I refuse to forgive my brother-in-law for not inviting me to his Christmas party, I suffer, He doesn't get the ulcers, he doesn't lose the sleep, he isn't upset, he doesn't get the nasty taste in his mouth. I do. It is the only way we can remain happy and healthy. Unforgiveness is one of the greatest causes of sickness because a sour mind creates a sour body.
In addition, so long as we hold other people as being guilty and responsible for our unhappiness, we are refusing to our own responsibility. Blaming other people never got anyone anywhere. The moment we stop blaming others, we are in a position to take some action to improve things. Blaming is an excuse to do nothing about reality-an excuse not to take action.
Joe Jones might say, "I'll forgive you, but I can't forget". Joe Jones is really saying, "I'll forgive you a little bit, but I want to hang on to some of this stuff just in case it is convenient to remind you about it later on." Real forgiveness is letting go.
It is important to realize we all live our lives the best way we know how. We make l lot of mistakes along the way, sometimes we act on misinformation, sometimes we do stupid things, yet we are still doing it the best way we know. Nobody opens his eyes the moment he is born and thinks, "Great! Here is my big chance to go out and screw up my life!"
Our parents brought us up the best way they knew how. Based on the information they had, and the example that was set for them, they ventured forth into the unknown territory known as "parenthood". To blame them endlessly for a lousy job of parenting is fruitless and destructive.
Some people never forgive their parents and screw up their lives just to demonstrate to their parents what a lousy hob they did! Their message is, "It is your fault that I am broke and lonely and unhappy so now you can watch me suffer!"
Blaming others gets us nowhere. If something is done, it is done. Griping about it changes nothing. Blaming the weather never helped anybody. The same goes for blaming other people.
When we do choose, to forgive, a marvelous principle comes into operation. As we change, others change. As we alter our attitude toward others, they begin to alter their behavior. Somehow, the moment we choose to change the way we see things, others respond to our changed expectations.
Forgiving Ourselves - If forgiving others is difficult, forgiving ourselves is even harder. Many people spend their whole lives punishing themselves mentally and physically for what they believe to be their own shortcomings. Some over-eat, some under eat, some drink themselves into oblivion, some systematically destroy all their relationships, some live a life of poverty or sickness. At the root of this suffering can be a belief system which says, "I have done a lot of naughty things", "I am guilty", or "I don't deserve to be healthy and happy". You may be surprised at how many sick people there are who are not convinced that they deserve to be healthy and happy!
If you are feeling guilty, I would suggest that you have put yourself through enough. Why prolong it? If you were to feel guilty for an extra year or two, you wouldn't help things.
Throw out the guilt, not that it's always easy to throw it out. Maintaining a healthy mind takes a lot of effort as does maintaining a healthy body. It is worth the effort.
Conclusion - Blaming and feeling guilty are equally dangerous and destructive. While we blame God, blame others and blame ourselves, we are avoiding the real issue which is to do something about the problem. It is always OUR CHOICE whether we get on with our life and live in the now, or whether we chain ourselves to grudges and upsets of the past.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Needed your post today. I have decided to do some major house cleaning with myself, my soul, my body, my mind and my surroundings. If I keep the tokens of the past around me any longer, I will end up in another deep depression. I do not want to live that way anymore. Does anyone need some junk? I am also working on the fourth and fifth - I hear that they go hand in hand - I guess I will not know until I do them - EEHH. I would be interested in hearing others experiences of the fourth and fifth!
Again - Thanks for the great post that truly hit home.
Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 13:13, 2006-01-31
-- Edited by jeannie at 13:15, 2006-01-31
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
yeah... it's true,,, most people are really making the best choices we are able to make with the 2 brain cells we have. We goof up, they goof up. I admit my guilt but that doesn't mean I am going to beat myself up anymore.. I just try to learn from the mistakes and go on to other mistakes.
I used to hate my mother,,, she was soooooo dysfunctional,,, but lately I'm getting new perspectives on the situation she was in, and what kinds of coping skills she had, and didn't have. Same with my father, who was an abused child himself. Perfection is wonderful,,, but doesn't exist here,,, and whose standard of perfection rules anyway?
So I'm learning, I made mistakes yesterday,,,, can we pick up, learn from then, and go on today?
God bless you all,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
well i must be doing better, becuz i want to just "get on with the rest of my life" i don't want to focus on the perp, i want to focus on me!!! to me forgiving him is wrapping him up in a big hefty trash bag and dumping him off at god's feet........
really the more i get into recovery and me and doing what i have to fix ME...the less i want to waste my time thinking of him and cursing him , etc.....i used to have to "beat the chair" with my tennis racquet, et al cuz i was LOADED with hate/outrage....now??? i just want to take care of me, and get ON with whats left of my life....
now that i have recovered **enuf** i can and WANT to take full responsibility for my life.....now that i am healthy enough to take care of me, i am grateful that i CAN be responsible now....i was too sick b4......he took enuf life from me, i don't want him in my head anymore, and he is "there" less and less.......i erased his name in a court of law....now i want to spend my PRECIOUS energy on me/ learning to love me/ taking care of me/ and getting my LIFE back....
each day i ask my hp "enable me to find the REAL ME....the ME that was b4 all this crap....the REAL me and my REAL intended life".......i find my self living MORE in the NOW, and less in the past OR future.....i just want to make my TODAY's good so my tomorows will have some hope......
You claim that all our snow is gone then given the fact that we live in the same town and only a few blocks apart then please tell me why there is still a great big pile of snow outside my door and windows????
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
