Hi folks. Hoping to hear some experiences on sponsorship. Have you maintained the same sponsor through your time in the program? If you have changed sponsors, what precipitated it? Thanks.
On my first year I was sponsored by one woman, but on my 4th-5th month I had some troubles with her. I understood that she shared my personal things with other brothers and sisters in AA ... I had few talks with her, I shared with her what is worrying me, but this thing continued. I started to get nervous of her behavior. She was telling me how to speak, what to share on meetings, how to react and how to talk with other people.
She was telling me what to do with my life and so on. So instead of being dependent of my HP, I was dependent from my sponsor. I was acting and saying all the time: "My sponsor told me to call her everyday! My sponsor told me to not talk with men in recovery!My sponsor told me to talk only with her and 2 more sisters! My sponsor told me to not make decisions in my first year! My sponsor told me that I can't sponsor on my first year! My sponsor told me this and that and so on ..." ... so I couldn't trust her anymore, I had big and deep resentments, I couldn't be honest anymore. I started to see how she is gossiping, how she isn't tolerant (all of the defects of character) and I got scared that in few years I will become like her (dependent of the sponsor, afraid all the time, gossiping, hating and so on) ....
So I finally made decision and found other sponsor who told me at first: "Hey, girl, I'm not the Power! I will disappoint you! My job is to teach you how to work the steps and to learn others to work the steps." So ... i started from beginning once more - with different view. Doing not what my sponsor is telling me to do, but only what is in the BB. Now I can trust my sponsor and I want to trust, but I mostly trust and have faith in God. Started to make decisions, still not in relationship, but at the moment it doesn't matter to me. I am trying now to live on this: Trust God, Clean house, Help others.
After that, my first sponsor came to me, we had some conversations, and she told me that she was thinking that she some kind of possessed me. She helped me a lot and I won't deny this. She taught me how to get up from bed, how to have walks, how to read books, how to be careful from co-dependency. But at some moment, like everything in life, something got really wrong - she was making mistakes, I was making mistakes, that stopped me from recovery, that stopper her from recovery, I made decision trusting God - that helped me, that helped her - now she is good, somewhere around the world, I am good too. We were helpful to each other to the possible we can. Now I'm not hating her, I believe she is not hating me, too.
My last time in rehab, I had a sponsor before I left ... this was at my request to one of my counselors ... the guy that sponsored me was in his late 70's and spoke very 'matter-of-factly' ... he worked with me til I could find a more permanent sponsor, which I did within a few months ... Then, I seemed to outgrow my sponsor 'spiritually' after about 4 to 5 years ... I then changed to my current sponsor, WHO happened to be that counselor I referred to in rehab earlier ... ... ... (I wanted him as a sponsor to start with, but due to 'conflict-of-interest' B.S. at the rehab center, he couldn't be my sponsor at the time ...) ... it's all worked out quite nicely for me ...
One point I'd like to make, is that it IS possible to grow beyond the wisdom your current sponsor has ... never hesitate to move on to another sponsor if you fail to get the 'inspiration' you need from your current one ... it does happen ....
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pythonpappy, thank you. I think that was the biggest reason to "change" the sponsor, even if i was praying for some month to God to give me direction and solution. And the solution was all of the time before my eyes and I was telling myself that is it "too simple" xax. I didn't wanted to be honest with me about the feeling (because it was about feeling) that i somehow outgrow my ex-sponsor (I don't know and I don't care if its true or false). Of course, everything is for good.
-- Edited by myownhell on Saturday 25th of January 2014 02:52:03 AM
Good morning everyone! When I first came to A.A., I observed two types of sponsorship. There were those who seemed to want to micro-manage the lives of their sponsorees, and there were the one's who simply helped their sponsorees work the Steps. I chose the latter. My first sponsor was a man who I would see at nearly all the meetings I attended and I observed that he was a kind, humble, and gentle man who was always ready to help the other folks in the meetings, and made time for anyone. Long story short, he progressively guided me through all the 12 Steps, and had no desire to control me or tell me everything to do. He made a few easy-to-follow suggestions, but he didn't give me advice on my personal life unless I asked him. We got together one day a week for Step-work from the Big Book. He didn't expect me to call him every day, or "check-in" with him. He made sure that I knew that my only hope for sobriety is God -- not himself. His only goal and purpose was to help me work the Steps. He showed me what kind of a sponsor I wanted to be when I arrived at Step 12. Over the years, I've always sponsored the same way he sponsored me.
I believe that it's very important to always choose a sponsor who has actually worked all the Steps. I didn't pick my sponsor because of his years of sobriety. I picked him because of his spirituality.
That's a horror story about your sponsor sharing your confidential info with other AA members and that is my biggest fear. Can't people keep their mouths shut and respect the privacy of their sponsees, for goodness sake? I read online that there was an AA member who committed suicide. The police found a note which the person had written which said "Secrets Kill" and they suspected that since the person was in AA, that it had something to do with gossiping. I know if I found out my sponsor was divulging information about me I shared, that I am not far enough in the program not to want to consider doing the same thing as I was very suicidal before I became a member.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Saturday 25th of January 2014 08:40:14 AM
I too, like Mike D., chose my sponsor based on her spirituality, not on her years of sobriety or how many others she sponsored or anything else. I watched her & listened to her & I wanted her strength & courage. Her grace & her faith & absolute belief in her God & in AA. I've learned that a sponsor is supposed to be someone to guide you through the steps, and when you're done, you pass it on. There's a pamphlet Questions & Answers about sponsorship, as well as a few paragraphs in the book Living Sober that talk about it.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
My sponsorees have shared their most painful secrets with me -- both inside and outside the confines of Step Five. The way I've always viewed my role as an A.A. sponsor is that those secrets are intended for God's merciful ears, and belong in His capable hands. Whatever is said to me does not belong to me. They're not mine to repeat to anyone. If someone has become willing to trust me enough to speak honestly with me, I have no right to break that trust and destroy their willingness and honesty. Mike D.
BTY, I'm sorry if I scared you. It was important for me to trust God in these moments. I can understand people who could kill themselves, because of sharing. I understood and accepted that in AA are people who are amazingly ill, like me.
I would not want to give advice, but in some kind of situation the only important thing is the faith that God will go through mine defects as well as through other's defects. Every thing has its own purpose. Every thing is important. Even gossiping is important, because God caught me to the Program through my biggest defects of character. And I have to forgive like it is forgiven to me by God. So even gossiping isn't so scary if there is faith. Of course, now I know that with words I can kill someone so it is a lesson to me to work on my mouth, because not only other people are gossiping, but I have these defects, too and now I can identify it. But it isn't so scary. There is a hope. Heh
And I'm hoping that one day, if I sponsor someone I will know that it is a gift someone to trust me and to share with me. And to remember that when someone shares with me it is only by God's grace that this gift is so freely given me and I for sure don't deserve it.
My sponsorship was like Mike Ds....Someone that had what I wanted to guide me through the steps. I've seen people in AA with 30 years that still rely on their sponsor....To each his own. My sponsor and I are friends now....He was there when I needed him....I took the action needed. I carry the message the same way....I don't need a life coach....God fills that role for me...He is the Director.
myownhell....
I scare myself more than anyone else ever could, so not to worry.
Thanks so much for your postings! I love all of yours and the other posters on here!
My first sponsor was a hugger... gawh, I tried to stay away from him... but he came up to me at any meeting we were at and greeted me with a hug. And when I froze solid, like I was under arrest but forgot to put my hands in the air, he looked at me with a sincerity I will never forget... "this program is about people, human beings and if you can't embrace one of them, you will not likely be able to embrace any innate object this program is full of". He also would ask me each time I wondered back out to the drink... what ya going to do different this time? And I would reply in a way that I thought he would approve.. "work the first step, leave the girls alone, work the 4 & 5 steps, get honest in my 5th step, make those impossible amends..." he would smile that smile and simply say, "well, lets see how that works for ya son!" When I got here in on Dec 21st 1989, there he was, coming at me with a hug and asking... what ya gonna do different this time?" I broke down crying, arms wrapped around him and said, "I don't know what to do, I'm dying out there, please help me!" He smiled and said, "now you might be sponsorable... before you had all the answers, you wouldn't let yourself be sponsored by someone else outside just using their name as such."
He sponsored me until the day he passed away, 11 years later. And today, he is still alive in so many ways, through me... I hear his words come off my lips often.
When he died, I spent two years trying to find another one, and disqualified most because they were no where near like him. And when the pain of life started to kick my butt, I finally grabbed someone and asked... "Would you consider being my sponsor?" I didn't care much for details, just that he had worked the steps, had a sponsor and seemingly lived in the light of the spirit. He replied, "I would be honored to sponsor you, John" and he leaned forward and give me a darn hug!
For me and my sponsor there is no big I and little you, we meet on the common ground of one alcoholic trying to help another, each other and stay sober together one day at a time. We are there for eachother, and work the steps WITH the newcomers we help daily. WE work the steps...
What a beautiful topic and a piece of my AA history that I will remember til the day I go home...
In the original posting, it was asked why we eventually changed sponsors, and I forgot to include that in my response. The only reason I had to get another sponsor was because my first sponsor got a new job and had to move out of state. By the time he had moved, though, he had gotten me through all the Steps. So, I was lucky enough to work all the Steps with him. My second sponsor is a very good man who works the Program by the Book. He's always been a great help to me too. Mike D.
Some things I look for in sponsorship when searching: See if that person talks through relevant matters of the heart. Does the person share about his or her current events? Does the person show all faces or just a happy face? Does the person seem like they have it all together (no one does) - this is a red flag for me - if I never see them submit vulnerability to the group. Does the person express gratitude to a HP for it all?
To me - if sponsor is not taking care of themselves in this way - how can they help another show how to take care of themselves? I needed to see how to use the fellowship to have things to take to HP for consideration.
This in a nutshell is what I consider sponsor material. That and of course, someone who has worked the steps and has the ability/time to show another person how they were shown... and how to show others in the future.
Best wishes Ruby
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 27th of January 2014 03:52:03 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
