I Have been sober 20 months and should be extremely grateful. I evaded death( Doctors gave me 18 mo), I have a good job, I beleive I am a good father. Yet as I still find days were I still feel lonely and without any purpose except to be a earner. I don't think of drinking I just miss the feeling of not caring. When I take inventory it looks at lot like the same old movie with different characters. I wonder if the only thing i ever wanted was acceptance and some level of appreciation. There are still days I want to pack up and leave it all. I dont ever express this out loud because I am the success story to my sponser and family. I guess my question is what now.
Welcome to MIP Thistles, ... and Congrats on 20 months ...
Whenever I got in one of those moods like this, my sponsor had me make a gratitude list ... the way things are now -vs- the way they were before sobriety .... And if I was getting bored, then I was told to be grateful for not being behind bars, to be grateful for my freedoms ... my peace and serenity that I was seeking to start with ...
It's such a big change to not have all that chaos in my life, I had to learn to know what peace and serenity actually meant ... and it was actually 'weird' to have peace in my life for once ...
What now, ??? ... you get busy helping the next fellow struggling to live without alcohol ... giving back is necessary if you want to keep what you have, else you can lose all you've worked for, in a heartbeat ...
God Bless, Pappy
P.S. Once you've done your inventory, you need not keep going back over the same old things (if you've done the steps right) ... we do, however, take daily inventories to see where we might be able to improve ... but the old stuff should be gone by now ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Thistle, and welcome. I have a suggestion that helped me: pick up some phone shifts at your AA central office. Doing phone shifts has been a profound experience for me. No time to feel sorry for yourself when you are helping another alcoholic.
Welcome Thistles! Nice to have you here with us. What's your program look like? What action steps do you take on a daily basis to maintain your sobriety and emtional balance. If you let us know we may be able to offer some experience, strength and hope. I know for me if I slack off and rest on my laurels I start slipping back into my old thinking and behaving. There's only 2 directions to head: away from my last drink or toward my next one.
Step 10 BB: It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
I Have been sober 20 months and should be extremely grateful. I evaded death( Doctors gave me 18 mo), I have a good job, I beleive I am a good father. Yet as I still find days were I still feel lonely and without any purpose except to be a earner. I don't think of drinking I just miss the feeling of not caring. When I take inventory it looks at lot like the same old movie with different characters. I wonder if the only thing i ever wanted was acceptance and some level of appreciation. There are still days I want to pack up and leave it all. I dont ever express this out loud because I am the success story to my sponser and family. I guess my question is what now.
How many AA meetings do you attend in a week?
Start expressing your feelings "out loud", that is what the program is all about. Not illusion or fantasy but reality.
You know where it says in HOW IT WORKS "We stood at the turning point" ... you are standing there now. You will stand there many times in recovery over the years.
So the answer to your question "what now?" would be what comes after "We stood at the turning point" .......... 'We asked HIS care and protection with complete abandon"
Add a little more "rigorous honesty" to your Step 3 & Step 4 and you'll be good to go for a while.
All these folks are right! Gratitude lists can change our attitude, especially when we see it on paper. I guess my question would be...what Step are you working right now?
Hi there Thistles.....
Congratulations on your 20 months. I don't have nearly as much time as alot or all of the posters who shared, but just wanted to add my
I have days like that too and I just have to pray, ride them through, and remember what it was like when I was drinking. I felt unappreciated (still do at times) and have wanted acceptance my whole life. I get lonely alot, too, and there have been times I have wanted "to pack it all up and quit" too, but I tell myself that being human, I am going to have bad days as well as good and I don't have to drink over them. I have gained too much since being sober and having lost almost everything to drinking, I don't want to go back and finish myself off for good by drinking again. Oh, and I am trying to learn how to love myself more and accept myself, which is something I don't have alot of experience with. (know I am not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, but oh, well.....see, thistles...I'm still worried about what others think!
You sound like a great person and you have so much going for you. Hope you realize that and continue on your healthier and saner path and hope you come back here and share with us more. You are almost at the 2 year mark!!!!
((((((thistles))))))
Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.
what have you done to help the next suffering alcoholic? I suggest ya get out of the self centered self pity and go help someone( heard that a few times from my sponsor, believe it or not).
When I get stuck on ME, I get stuck feeling lonely, fearful, the same ol' same ol'.... in Chapter 7, Working with Others, it presents a very real solution to ME.
Chapter 7
WORKING WITH OTHERS
PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.
Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.
Any time I shared with my sponsor that I wasn't feeling like I was good for nothing, he would smile and say.. well, take your good for nothing self and do some good for nothing for someone else!
And I got to admit I was right where you are describing yourself to be around 2 yrs... so keep moving forward, and keep your hand out.. to shake the newcomers hand.
John
-- Edited by John on Sunday 26th of January 2014 02:26:04 PM
Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. I guess the bad days are more noticeably than the good which is another thing I will put on my gratitude list.
Good point Thistle...I do pay more attention to bad days...I am kind of having one today...feel more tired than I have since I was sick, dragging, not getting as much as I would like done....and wondering why I feel "down"....then I realized that I need to thank my HP for today and have gratitude for even being alive today and to be sober and be able to "feel" anything. So I am trying to turn my thinking (this is a "bad" day) into this is a day which I am grateful for and thank God I am sober.
Keep in mind, you need to have a bad day every now and then, so you know when you having a good one. Days are like anything else in life, when I have a string of good days, I lose my appreciation for them. Insert a bad day, and oh yah, new appreciate for the good ones. Good days and bad days share a common denominator- they're both temporary.
Y'all just reminded me what my dad said to me when I was a kid and got hurt on the farm ... he said, "that's great, it'll just make you feel better when you heal up ..." ...
I never got any 'pity' from him ... from mom ?, yes, but not dad ... ... ... can't believe I had to reach 60+ to appreciate all the wisdom that man had to offer ... ... ... and now he's gone ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My goodness Pappy....I felt a little sorry for you when you shared what you heard from your dad when you got hurt.....I was the biggest baby whenever I got hurt. Ha! Still can be at times and I love that attention, just like I did when I was a kid. I have complained about every little ache and pain and it seems to have gotton worse as I get older. Both my grandmothers would give a long laundry list of things which ailed them whenever I would see them. I would sit through all that, finding myself becoming very impatient as they would go on and on about their arthritis, bowel changes, etc., and feeling like a trapped prisoner who couldn't escape. Now I think I match both of them put together and I sure wish they were still alive so I could listen to anything they would like to share--their good days and their bad ones.
BTY, ... you remind me a little bit of me ... Whenever anyone asked me how I was, I'd give them a laundry list of things wrong with me physically ... and how much I'd suffered ... trying to get some pity or sympathy I'm sure ... and if I happen to ask them about how they were, I'd have to top their complaints with mine ... LOL ... 'you've 4 surgeries ??? ... WELL, I've had 10 on just my 2 hands (which is true by the way) ...'
I know the AA program and principles have turned me into a different person ... one that I like a lot better ... oh, I still have a long ways to go, but the progress has been amazing ...
Today, ... if asked how I am ... I just say 'I'm better than I deserve' ... and leave it at that ... (which is also true!) ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I know what you mean about "topping" as I have been guilty of that myself. I don't do too much complaining to anybody now except the one i am living with and I am sure he has to take extra bathroom trips just to get rid of the load I'm giving.
I need to start using what you say, even where I am living (but I am not really convinced I deserve it here, but there I go, never mind and maybe so.)
Good days and bad days share a common denominator- they're both temporary. 