I went to an AA meeting 15 yrs. ago for prescription drug abuse, did not care for NA meetings. I went faithly for 3 yrs... I guess I thought I was cured. . Fat chance, I have slipped far back with self medicating with pills & pot. I need HELP !!! 15 years ago I did not know I was suffering from Dual Diagnose's. I was diagnosed Bipolar1 when I was 26, many years ago. I am addicted not only to the drug's but the art of not having to deal with my emotions, not feel. I would like to join in if it does not affend any one.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
You're certainly welcome to hang around here, but why not also go back to the meetings? You already know you can do that for at least three years at a stretch, and that's more than other people know when they go to their first meeting. Yeah, I know it can feel uncomfortable going back after a relapse, but please don't let that stop you. People like us in AA are like shipwreck survivors in a lifeboat. Sometimes if we're not being careful we can fall back out of the boat, but if we want to try to get back in, the rest of the survivors in the boat are more than happy to help.
(((((hopee)))) of course you are welcome here. Good to have you. I know of a couple of of folks who attend my AA meetings who are struggling with presc. drug abuse, too. They also told me that they are not comfortable attending NA meetings. I hope that it helps you by coming here.
Admitted I was powerless and that my lives had become unmanagable. Came to believe that a power greater that myself could lead me to sanity. Made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care go God as I understand God. Many times for me this is a personal program of recovery...I'm alone, not in a meeting and it's only HP and me. Welcome back...sit down listen with and open mind and practice, practice, practice.
glad yer here,hopee. one thing ive learned is that most people have to WANT help rather than NEED it. I needed help a loooooong time ago, but when I finally wanted help AND was willing to go to any lengths, the miracle started happening.
it all started at step one.
Welcome hopee, ... Glad you're here ... I'm sure you'll find some helpful guides here for you ... for me, alcohol was my 'drug-of-choice' ... it made me 'FEEL' nothing too ... no emotions, no noth'n ... that was the whole point of why I drank ... to escape life ... but it always had a way of coming back to bite me on the ass ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you every one for your kindness, it helps, with me support is a very strong need in my recovery, more so in the beginning.
Quote: Pythonpappy
Welcome hopee, ... Glad you're here ... I'm sure you'll find some helpful guides here for you ... for me, alcohol was my 'drug-of-choice' ... it made me 'FEEL' nothing too ... no emotions, no noth'n ... that was the whole point of why I drank ... to escape life ... but it always had a way of coming back to bite me on the ass ...
Any drug of choice to self-medicate with is the same, same reason's, to escape, to feel numb, to help get out of your head ( racing thoughts ). Pythonpappy I hope you don't mind me using your thoughts. I understand 100%.
thoughts of alcohol are on the horizon with me a lot especially if I can't get my drug of choice. PLUS : I live in a family oriented(sp?) tourist town, Its a dry town. If you want alcohol you have to go to another town.
I know when I went to AA meetings before the things we shared was the same. I just like AA better.
THANKS FOR WELCOMING ME . This is why I joined.
Step 1 :
Admitted I was powerless and that my lives had become unmanagable. Came to believe that a power greater that myself could lead me to sanity. Made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care go God as I understand God. Many times for me this is a personal program of recovery...I'm alone, not in a meeting and it's only HP and me. Welcome back...sit down listen with and open mind and practice, practice, practice.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I went to an AA meeting 15 yrs. ago for prescription drug abuse, did not care for NA meetings. I went faithly for 3 yrs... I guess I thought I was cured.
I know about drugs....I did my share. But none of them beat me like alcohol did. I have a good friend in AA that was a big help to me when I started.....He didn't like NA either....And while he did drink....Drugs were his downfall. He preferred the way the steps were laid out in the big book and he liked the meetings better....So that's the path he took. The steps are the same in both programs....Is what he is doing wrong? I don't think I'm one to say. He's coming up on four years sober and chairs the Wednesday meeting at my homegroup. He doesn't share about what drugs he used...He shares about what solution he uses. And he helped this alcoholic.
You mention you attended 3 years of meetings...Is it OK if I ask you if you ever worked the steps with a sponsor?
Hi stepchild ( interesting user name) I was a tramatized step child, just saying.
When I went to AA meetings, I had a sponsor, not a very good one, she was overloaded with others. Don't remember really doing my 12 steps with her, pretty much did the steps on my own, and I'm sure not very well.
My children were young and so were some of the other parents children, so we drug our children with us to the meetings, they played in the parking lot, luckly we were in the back so no thur traffic. Things were caotic alot of times.
I was not familure with AA meetings, so I stayed and went to 4 meetings a week, until 3 yrs past. I'm sure each place is handle a little different.
I'm wanting to do online meetings for awhile, I have developed a fear of being in a room with alot of people especially if I don't know them.
Today, I will take one day at a time
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I can't put it any simpler than this hopee....If you didn't have fear...There would be something wrong with you. Meetings are great.....I happen to like them....But the way we recover in AA is the 12 steps. The clear cut directions for the 12 steps are in the Big Book. It's not something most people want to do....Therefore you see a lot of people put a little time together and back out they go. I'm amazed you made it three years on meetings alone....For myself....That would have been painful...And probably not possible.
I found those online meetings kind of trite...You're at the mercy of someone's typing skills. I prefer face to face....But that's me. I've come to find out AA is a lot about doing things we don't want to do...Basically...It takes work. I can give you something that will be a lot more benefit for you.....Get a Big Book and read it....Better yet...Study it. If you want to do that here....I'll go through it with you. Start with the Doctor's Opinion...Read it twice... and let me know if you have any questions or comments. You can actually do those first four steps on your own...You have help here....Your call.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 08:50:31 AM
I was and still am to a degree, fearful of the others in the rooms. I just told myself that I was there to get sober and I was going to have to overcome my fears and just go. Those people are in there for the same reason I am and this is a life and death matter for me. It might not sound very nice, but I have even had to tune out people (except the sharers, Chair of the meeting) because my fear was so great (still is at times) that I lose focus on what is being said during the meeting because I start worrying about others and what they are thinking of me. Ha! Big dose of ego there. They are there listening and trying to learn and don't give a crap about me and my ego and a lot of them have the same fears I have from what I have learned since going.
Stepchild typed....".I found those online meetings kind of trite...You're at the mercy of someone's typing skills."
I have never participated in AA online meetings. I do think of this board and another board I have started to go to, as "meetings" because I can learn more from some of the things posters share than I learn at the meetings. But I enjoy and need the face to face fellowship at the meetings.
Drugs is what brought me down to my knees... Alcohol was in the picture before, during and after the drugs.. every relapse started out with a drink too. So, when I speak at speaker meetings, I simply say... the only thing I will say about drugs is that Alcoholics should not do them... we're pigs... we take everything to the wall! LOL
Stepchild, I am willing to have you work with me, PLEASE. I still have my BIG BOOK , believe it or not it sits on the undernth ( sp? ) my end table in the living room, I pulled it out of my nightstand about 6 months ago. I will begin to read it, and keep you posted.
betterthanyesterday, I do have a tremendous fear of being in a room full of people. I was hurt deeply by a friend 2 years ago, so I completely isolated myself from everyone. I felt that was the only way I could protect myself. I have just in the last 6 months trying to work on that. I go four days a week to a Wellness Recovery Center for people with mental illness. So I'm starting to feel safe with my own peers. Hell I'm beginning to go into a sit down resturant but only at 11am before to many people get there. Sad isn't it.
Oh, yea I really want to use today, really trying very hard to resist. Keep me in your thoughts today, it is so hard to let go.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
hopee...So glad you posted again. So many people have come on this board, posted about their addiction and have asked for help. Then, when I check back and don't "hear" back from some of them, my heart breaks and I worry about them.
It would be good if you could find a sponsor in your area to help you go through the BB. It took me a good while before I was able to let go of the fear I had to do this. I hope you don't take as long as I did. Of course, if you are unable to get to a meeting right now, online "meetings" are a good alternative until you are ready. I am like you so much because I too have been hurt by friends, relatives and that led to me not trusting anyone. A woman who I was friends with for years and years dropped me. I had been so supportive of her when she had trials in her life and it really hurt me. Plus others in my life who I feel wronged me added to my trust issues. Some of it was alcohol related, which I realize, some if it was not. I have hurt others, I know. Like you, I too isolated myself from others. Even going to the grocery store, and yes--out to eat in a restaurant--became a big ordeal for me and ones I really tried to avoid unless absolutely necessary. I still have "people fear" however, I had to tell myself that I had to put the fear out of my mind long enough to get myself to AA meetings if I wanted to survive. I had to weigh each of the choices in my mind, for example, tell myself...."o.k. these are my choices...stay isolated, continue to drink and "protect" myself and stay isolated for fear of getting hurt feelings by others again or go to a meeting. If I don't go to a meeting, the result is probably going to be that I am going to drink myself to death. If I go to a meeting, yes I may get hurt feelings, but I am more likely to stay sober and live longer and that is more important."
I cannot tell you how much happier I am that I chose to overcome my fears and go to meetings, hopee. My life has changed so much and I am so much happier. I still have that "people fear" sometimes, but it is not nearly as bad. I am more comfortable being around people and my self esteem has improved so much compared to what it was. I realize that there are always people in the world who are going to do and say things that are going to hurt me. I realize that I am going to say and do things that hurt others (I hope not intentionally though, but I am sure, I will.) We are all human and that is just part of life. But I have to tell myself that no matter what, the main thing is that I want to live longer and I cannot let any of my fears of people, thoughts, etc. keep me out of the rooms and threaten my sobriety. There is hope, hopee. ((((hopee))))))
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 23rd of January 2014 08:54:15 AM
betterthanyesterday, I am serious about my recovery, when I went to AA for three years I was nieve, imature for my adult age, because of being new to my diagnoises of mental illness, I was stuck in an emotional mess. So it was hard for me to trust myself let alone anyone else. I struggle with the steps and did not have the best sponsor. I had to pick up two blue chips before I could realize I and only I could do this for myself.( I think that was the first chip, pretty sure of it cause its the only color I have two of) And then I made it to my 3 year chip. yes, I still have all my chips, they are very valueable to me, like a piece of fine jewery. Not sure why I quit, I believe it was because my children as pre-teens were getting very involved with school & church. My AA meeting was 45 minutes away. ( no excuse, I know now. )
I feel it may take me several times again, please me patient every one. I've promised myself I will get on here at least 3 times a day
stepchild I am taking my BB with me today to read the chapters you suggested in my free time. Must go now, will check back in when I get home around 4:30
LUV U guys already
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
Good deal. I know the Doctor's Opinion was a real eye opener for me.....I drank and drugged for a lot of years....As John mentioned above...I took them all to the wall...As he put it...And I never knew why. This chapter turned on a light for me....That light being a better understanding of Step One. Have a good day...And remember.... We don't pick up no matter what.
All my life I have expected someone else to fix it for me, With Mental illness you are first in shock with your diaginoses, then I scream and cry and kick. Then I was relieved that I really was not going crazy, then you expect your dr. to fix, I was always looking for that miracle pill an instant fix. things got rough I cried out to God ( I have a strong faith ). I wanted Him to perform a miracle, instandly cure my MI, with my addictions I wanted Him to take my desire away. When no one could fix the problem for me then my excuse for being weak and addicted was every ones fault.
My higher power spoke to me last night and made me realize I had to own my addiction, I had to own my MI, I have to own my triggers, I HAD TO DO THE WORK. Every one has given me the tools to use, life experience has given me the tools rather good or bad. " the courage to accept the things I cannot change, and change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference " And I am learning the difference, even though I have not arrived at this completely. I am finally realizing that the people in our lives that we matter to are the most important people in our lives, not those who hurt us that we feel should love us.
I was being force at the Wellness Recovery Center to sign a contract to able to keep coming, I could no longer use, I had to go to at least 2 AA meetings a day. Those I was fine with, but their other least of demands was me doing things that right now was impossible, I even rebutled with my own contract which was simular to their's with very few altaerations. It was a no go. So I decided I would not sign it.
But I will work on the contract, 1'st thing for me to do for myself is go to a meeting in person, I will do that this evening, I have to call first , make sure they are still meeting, acute time, and directions. My news paper clipping I cut out is kinda old.
Today, I stand up and confess I am an addicted
I will not use , I realize I am powerless left to my own means,
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
Today I will I will be sorry to any one I have hurt, I will take blame to any one that has hurt me, I will take blame for life's experienes. I will wear this T-shirt all day. But tonight before I go to bed I will take this T-shirt off. And tomorrow I will own all my life experiences, I will own all my hurts, I will own my own selfishness,.
But I will no longer be crippled by being sorry for what I did not do. I will no longer take blame for those in my life who think their always right. I will no longer be every one's door mat.
Not sure if any one will understand this fully. But it is very important to me for me to be able to Recover from my addiction.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I am glad to see your renewed determination to get and stay sober/clean ... ... ... one thing though, I do agree in NOT signing a 'contract' to not drink or use ... I told my wife that I could not promise to never drink again, but TODAY, I will not ... all I've ever committed to is ONE DAY at a time .... I can easily go a day without a drink ... tomorrow?, next week?, next month or year??? ... who knows ... but I commit to myself for TODAY, I will not drink/use ... ... ...
Just be sure you get a sponsor to guide you through the steps ... DO NOT go it alone, it seldom works that way ... please keep an open mind, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and you'll be just fine ... IN FACT, you'll be better than just fine, you'll fall in love with yourself once again when you become the person you know you can and want to be ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you pappy, I know I can't go it alone. In my own way I've been doing that my whole life. There's parts of me I always felt I had to protect to survive, even though they were not healthy ways. This week my emotions have been really raw. But I know now I have to let all the walls down. I am actually lookin forward toward my new journey. And since I was in AA 15 years ago I can let my fear today go. I know it is very important for me to go to meetings.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I'm happy you are going to a meeting....I'd like to hear about it. And I'm curious if you were able to read the Doctor's Opinion and if anything clicked with you? It's all about action hopee. Good to see you getting into it.
I was not able to go to a meeting last night , I called the number I had on and off all day yesterday with no luck, the line gave me a busy signal all day. I have another number for one in a neighboring area. If I can get ahold of them they have a meeting tonight. Hubby is not happy with a 35 minute drive at night. So be it, I have to do this. Hubby thinks I could do it on my own if I would mustard up my own strength and relying on my higher power. " I cannot ". I am powerless to my addiction.
stepchild I have started the Doctor's Opinion, I am a slow reader, because I hate to read, its hard for me to sit still and read. But "I" am going to finish it. My BB has very small writing which is hard to read. I need to find my reading glasses. LOL.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
Hi Hopee, when you get to the next meeting, be sure to pick up a copy of the meeting directory for your area. You should always have an up-to-date meetings schedule that lists the exact time and location of every meeting near you, for every day of the week. Then, you'll never have to miss a meeting because you couldn't get some info about it over the phone. Also, you should be able to look up all of the info about your local meeting schedule on the internet. Just do a Google search on the phrase 'alcoholics anonymous [add the name of the nearest big city]'.
Saturday morning I finally got a hold of someone who told me where there was a meeting last night. I got excited but at the same time scared. Butterflies turned into anxiety and this turned into a sever panic attack in the parking lot of a store I had stopped at. This all happened on the way to my first meeting, I finally pulled it together. Got to where the meeting was said to be, I sat there about 30 minutes no one ever showed up. I cried all the way home. One car did pull up and part close to me. I sat there for a few minutes, until I finally got up enough nerve to get out of the car to see if he was there for the meeting, he wasn't, his daughter, maybe early 30's, was visiting from out of down. Right now I call her my angel, we had our own little AA meeting while freezing. She gave me a meeting card of a group that turns out to be only about 15 minutes from me, that meet every night. She invited me to come to the 10:30am meeting , I wanted to go but was not sure. I woke up at 2:30 this morning by 4:00am I had another full blown Panic attack,It took me a couple of hours to get that under control. Thank God He's my higher power. When it got close to time for the meeting I started puking, it finally went away. I thought as soon as I got in the car I started heving again, jumped out of the car, ran into the garage which I had made a connor in it a safe place for me, I sat in the chair smoked a few ciggerattes, realized I was fine. I know now all these attacks are coming from my fears of leaving my comfort zone.
Well any way, finally made it to my first meeting this morning, admitted I was powerless over my addiction and picked up my first chip. YEA ME !!!
-- Edited by hopee on Sunday 26th of January 2014 03:25:50 PM
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
That's fricken awesome.....You only have to go to a first meeting once. Don't think you were alone in feeling like that. Thank your HP for taking you along. I'm happy for you hopee!
Yay Hopee! I had little kids SCREAMING and hanging on my legs begging me to not leave them, my husband telling me "calling alcoholism a disease is a cop out" and not talking to me, babysitter and gas costs of 200 dollars a week, severe anxiety that came out like a barking seal in the meetings for 3 months... people actually CLAPPED the day I announced I thought I might not cry like said seal during my share with a half smile (many many many days in a row for them listening to this and loving me through it prompted the applause - to wish I almost barfed)... and then to top it off... all those people who told me this was how all newcomers are... WERE LYING! LOLOLOL! But I think the ones who go and don't sound all put together are at a pretty sufficient bottom and willing to go through anything to get better... and I see those people who come in with a smile leave after a short time too. I didn't want to know the percentage of us who come in barfing and crying... because I was terrified to die. Another good sign. Now I know that we are very few and very graced. We are the ones who "get to" be here - not "have to" be here.
Today - I have experienced the promises in full - and am peaceful and happy beyond what I could have ever imagined or hoped for. Situations which used to bring me to my knee's do not even give my heart a flutter. I have faith and serenity as a direct result of the steps.
Never give up on you -
With love,
Natasha
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
well I went to my first meeting saturday night ---- NO ONE SHOWED, not even the keeper of the key
went to my second meeting sunday every one seemed nice, but of course being new, I just stated my name said I was an addicted
went to the same meeting monday, only reconized one person from the meeting before. I tried to be totally honest, felt like I would be safe after all aren't we suppose extend a hand to our fellow addicts. well while I was talking I was interupted by a lady who said can you move this right along, I'm being triggered by you. What the Hell, and I got the hell out of there as fast as I could, I did not feel safe, I felt threaten and like always my voice did not matter. And I was very upset and on my way out I cried and told them I thought AA was suppose to be a safe place, and that it was not and that there was " NO " safe place for me.
Call be a baby tell me I'm selfish, what ever you want because I am none of these, I would have never been able to make it through my whole life if I was not a suvivor.
I left home last night with 3 bottle of pills. Parked in a collage parking lot, contemplating suicide, only to have a friend & hubby call the police, well luckily it was a nice cop, we talked, I promised I would be safe. So he left.
My fear of going back are very, very strong. This particluar AA group is my only option there is no other group any where near me. I am not going back until I'm feeling mentally safe .
I will be damn if I let this lady keep me from my sobriety.
I will go back Friday or Saturday, I have not used though, ( 3 days )
Today I've gone through step one and have started step 2
Thanks for listening
Wanda
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
Well, ... there's not supposed to be 'cross-talk' in a meeting and the chair-person should try and maintain control of the discussion flow ...
All I can say about this, is I'm sorry you had to experience this and I would ask that you try and realize you're in a room full of 'sick' people ... try to be a little more patient and tolerant of those in attendance, they are not all probably the 'salt of the earth' types ... your sobriety should come first ... just try and go to a few meetings and 'just listen' for now ... you'll have time to share a little later on once you get the hang of the flow of the meetings ...
and don't let the criticism of others bother you ... it's killed a lot of us already ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm really sorry to hear that....That does suck...But what Pappy said is right...We can't let anyone or anything get in the way of our recovery....We just can't.. If I could give you one suggestion....This would be it. Continue to go to meetings...As many as you can. See if you can find a women's meeting if possible...And just listen. You don't have to say a word. What you want to listen for is a woman that talks about recovery.....The steps...And the book. Someone that has some time and is living this program. If you pray....Pray you find the right one. Once you do....Walk up to her after a meeting...And ask her one simple question....
Will you take me through the steps as they are laid out in the book?
That's it.....That's what I did....And it worked. It sure can't hurt to try.
I want to give you some recognition for what you have already achieved, and some encouragement to keep it up! Remember that you have EARNED that seat in the meeting, Wanda. You have already paid dearly for it, and it is YOURS. Don't let anyone or anything keep you from claiming it. We're all cheering for you!
and don't let the criticism of others bother you ... it's killed a lot of us already ...
Can I just be clear here about one thing Rog... criticism doesn't kill people... alcoholism does.
Wanda - if you go out and use because of other people who are suffering from the same disease as you - then your disease won - and just gave you a big 'F U' in the face with it's hands up in victory.
There is a real you in there some where who doesn't need to listen to the lies the disease is telling you. The steps of this program are your way to freedom from this crazy disease that uses YOUR eyes, YOUR ears and YOUR best thinking against you. It's a check mate... unless you can find and rely upon a power greater than you. The only way I could find that power was by working the steps, and I had to go to meetings to find a sponsor to show me how to do them. They just couldn't be done alone because I could only think like myself - and myself was hijacked by a thinking disease.
If you absolutely CAN NOT do 90 meetings in 90 days because they just do not have meetings by you - then search out online or phone meetings - do one every day - find someone to walk you through the steps over the phone, find someone you can call every day for a while to be your alley in helping you get on the right track... and please do not give up on you. Give yourself the best chance, and every possible chance at this thing - you DO deserve it - God doesn't make junk. You are not junk. You are not worthless or unworthy of recovery and life... or you wouldn't have been put here. Keep us posted on your progress. Miracles do happen here at MIP. I should know - I'm one of them, and there are many many others - many right here in this thread. xxx
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey Tash, ... okay, I understand what you're say'n ... however, ... I disagree with the old nursery thing about 'Sticks and Stones' ... and words can never hurt me thingy ... I have read in the Big BB where the tongue can be sharper than a 2-edged sword ... ... and I tend to believe that ... I've seen and once participated in cutting others to little pieces with my words ... and whether alcoholic or not, it can destroy someone, even kill ... ... ... just the way I see it !!! ... no offence and none taken ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have recovered from my codependency - so no one MAKES me feel anything. I have to choose to believe them over my God, and I don't do that anymore. Pre - program - different story altogether. I thought I was responsible for making others feel things, and they were responsible for me feeling stuff. Now I know that I am responsible for me, and ultimately HP is the only judge I have.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Well said, ... unfortunately, not everyone has or works our program ... there are those that let things like this get to them, and to the extent that they get very ill ... and perhaps make choices they wouldn't otherwise make ... or even do things they wouldn't ordinarily do ... including harming themselves, intentionally or not ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
But I am not responsible for that???? I had to leave my ex because he was really really acting crazy, and I told him he was acting too crazy so I was leaving! He said - fine - I'll kill myself then! I said - FINE! I'm telling the police! Which I did! And they did NOTHING! And so I left - and 2 weeks later he killed himself - blaming it on me and his entire family blamed me - and so did the pastor at the funeral! "he died of a broken heart"
So. Am I responsible? I criticized him for acting like a paranoid jealous nutso!
I believe that he is responsible for himself and his actions. I believe that my HP does not blame me and there for I will not blame me (anymore) either. When I did - I had plenty of excuses to drink and I proceeded to do so until I had toxic shock and 2 DUI's all in one year! I drank round the clock for 6 months - OVER that - but guess what... it was my choice, and just because I saw him with his head blown off and had PTSD - doesn't mean that my only choice was to drink. Alcoholism made that my only choice - and alcoholism is what would have and will kill me if I allow other people the power to control me again instead of using a Higher power whom I choose to call God.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I think you've just supported what I've been trying to say ... I am not responsible how others interpret what I've said or how they react to it ... but now I know the importance of what I say and how it can steer others into thinking either good thoughts or bad ones ... either promoting positives thoughts or negative ones ... I am responsible for what I say, not how others 'react' to it ... yes ... but I now choose my words more carefully than in the past so as not to provoke someone into doing something they may later regret ... for that, I feel responsible ...
p.s. alcohol did my talking for me too, for years ... now that he has no influence in what I say, things are much better ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Finally went back to an AA meeting today. Its taken me this long to get up the nerve to go back. The last meeting was horrible, that lady really did a number on me. It made me not feel safe. " some people fight, some take flight " I am a take flight kind of person. But at the meeting today and many meetings to follow I will just sit and listen and take it all in. I actualy enjoyed the meeting today and will try to work a meeting around church tomorrow. Thanks for every ones support. Pray that I can find a good sponser, I'm not ready yet, it has to do with TRUST issues. But I have plenty of numbers of people I can call. And I have ya'll.
Because of every thing going on ( Duo-Dignoses ) my mental and physcial has been out of wack. So I have slipped a couple of times. I'm ready to start again with the help of God.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
Beautiful....Trust that God will find you a sponsor you can trust....It'll happen. It did for me. In the mean time...Study the book and continue to go to meetings. I'm glad you are back.
. Fat chance, I have slipped far back with self medicating with pills & pot. I need HELP !!!
15 years ago I did not know I was suffering from Dual Diagnose's. I was diagnosed Bipolar1 when I was 26, many years ago. I am addicted not only to the drug's but the art of not having to deal with my emotions, not feel. I would like to join in if it does not affend any one.
