I was driving down a street in my old neighborhood yesterday and noticed all of these cool new pubs and watering holes that Tipsy McStagger would have loved. It sent me into this grumpy, irritable, restless funk that I can't seem to shake. I'm happy, I feel physically great, my home life is loving, rich and rewarding but the truth is that I'm bored stiff. My life has taken on a very mellow, relaxed pace, which at first I loved, but now I feel like someone who has been on vacation too long. I need some spontanaity. I need some excitement. I need a little drama.
To be honest I don't know what I need. A kick in the ass maybe? Who knows? I'm just venting. My moods are like the weather...this storm will blow over and everything will be rainbows and lollipops again :)
Seriously though, I hate that old timer crap. Telling someone in early sobriety that their happiness isn't legit and will pass is dickish and borders on cruel. You're not a psychologist, you're not clairvoyant, and your limited recovery experience isn't the way it is for everyone. I just had a bad day and was venting. No need to come rubbing your hands together with glee at my troubles.
Christ sometimes AA people are like vultures who just hover above waiting for you to stumble and fall so they can come peck at your carcass while cawing "I told ya so! I told ya so!"
-- Edited by Butterfinger on Sunday 19th of January 2014 10:23:59 AM
I believe what they say in that book BF. When they say we are irritable, restless and dicontent until we have that next drink....That is true. I know that from experience. Without alcohol...That's the natural state of a real alcoholic. That's why we need a solution....That solution is the steps. You can believe that or not.
Lol, no no no...you don't get to excuse your ghoulish behavior by playing the BB card. Just admit it you, like many other old timers, hate listening to people like me talk about how happy we are and how great life is. You believe that we need to be torn down before we can be built up. That we must suffer before we have the right to happiness. And that until we've been miserable in recovery we haven't paid some imaginary dues. That's why you're so elated that I posted a negative thread. You want me to struggle.
Well tough titty Stepchild because I'm not playing the game. I'm happy and there's nothing you can do about it :)
I have those moments too, Butterfinger. I have three places within 2 to 3 blocks of me....a 7-11, an ABC store and a gas station...all of which were my "hangouts", so to speak, as everyday I walked to one or more of them for my daily stash. Sometimes when I pass by them now, I get that same annoying feeling and it is hard sometimes. I have heard in the meetings people with years and years of sobriety, who have a sponsor and have worked the steps, talk about how hard it is even today, to go by bars they used to frequent and they wonder why can't they drink like everyone else. I wonder that too and can get mad when I think about it too much. Oh well, it is just the way it is, though, and I just have to try and accept it. At least I pass by them , like you did those new pubs, instead of going inside, so that's a great thing!
I know what you mean about "excitement" too. I feel bored sometimes, too, and have been thinking I need some of that in my life as I am feeling better, have more energy and feel like my life is in a rut...although a sober rut.
If any drama comes my way, I'll send it your way...I had plenty of that when I was drinking..LOL
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 19th of January 2014 12:39:18 PM
Seriously though, I hate that old timer crap. Telling someone in early sobriety that their happiness isn't legit and will pass is dickish and borders on cruel. You're not a psychologist, you're not clairvoyant, and your limited recovery experience isn't the way it is for everyone. I just had a bad day and was venting. No need to come rubbing your hands together with glee at my troubles.
Christ sometimes AA people are like vultures who just hover above waiting for you to stumble and fall so they can come peck at your carcass while cawing "I told ya so! I told ya so!" -- Edited by Butterfinger on Sunday 19th of January 2014 10:23:59 AM
I'm not a fan of the term "pink cloud" either. I beleive that good feeling that comes in early sobriety is God's grace, a taste of what sobriety is really like. It's the best possible time to get on with the steps. I did that and found that feeling, even when things go wrong, became more or less a permanent state, but grew in intensity.
It's a shame some oldtimers want to knock you out of grace, and worse are those that want to hold you back -"oh steady with that pink cloud, you are not ready for that step yet, easy does it buddy".
But the Stepchild isn't trying to do that. He talked about action and the Big Book to give you an idea of what is needed to stay in God's grace. This is all experience based. When we start feeling x, then usually its because of y and results in z unless we take some action.
This isn't an easy path. The Book warns us of this early on when Ebby lays out the program for Bill. "Simple but not easy. A price had to be paid. It meant the destruction of self centredness"
Stepchild and I would be delighted if you follow the same path we did and get to keep that good feeling you have been experiencing.
And that until we've been miserable in recovery we haven't paid some imaginary dues. That's why you're so elated that I posted a negative thread. You want me to struggle.
Not true at all BF...Tell you the truth....I'd like to see you succeed. I don't really consider putting the drink down as recovery...I consider it as putting the drink down. And I haven't seen that work for many real alcoholics....Including myself. I needed more than that. Maybe you don't.
I just finished responding to a share by Mike H to my earlier post Strange Phenomena which kinda sorta could be included here. Old thoughts and memories of old behaviors in this case behaviors that surrounded my drinking. I didn't get a wave or irritability. I got a wave of curiosity. I had thoughts when an advertisement for "a fine pilsner beer" flashed across my tv screen without prior alert. My mental response was "I want one"!! subconsciously with ot really "wanting one". Live has changed much since the active drinking days and they will change more as I continue to practice being alcohol free and sober. Sobriety for me in part means realiging the thinking aspect of my diseasse. Behavior aspect must change also. Doing behaviors which are far from and opposite of my drinking addiction need to be accepted and practiced habitually other wise I leave myself open to relapse. I can relapse without drinking and that becomes miserable because my thoughts and feelings get toxic without my body being under the influence of the chemical. One of the things I do I come here and another is read literature and another is go to meetings and another is fellowship with my sponsor or go walk the dogs or any other thing that makes boredom a temporary event and a "this too will pass reality.
Uh BF, ... when I told my sponsor I was getting bored, ... he said ain't it great ??? ... I said whatta ya mean ??? ... he said the 'peace and serenity', the chance to sit back and relax and know you're in a good place, no jail bars staring back at you, no funerals for someone you carelessly ran over, etc., etc., etc. ... ... ...
I walked away with a different point of view that day ... AND a new gratitude for being sober ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I didn't come up with the term "Pink Cloud"....Nor will I say if it's right or wrong. I always related it to a step one experience....Finally getting honest with myself about my alcoholism brought me to a place I'd never been before....And at the same time... I was introduced to a solution that I could see was working for so many. That was a high for me....But I also knew it wasn't going to keep me sober alone. There are 12 steps here for a reason. I found this Grapevine article written in 1955 on the subject....Oddly enough....It's written by the Doctor that Jerry F. mentioned in another thread. Interesting read for anyone interested in reading it.
The Pink Cloud and After One of AA's first friends in psychiatry points out "the road beyond the miracle AA Grapevine, September. 1955
My first two or three years of contact with AA were the most exciting in my whole professional life. AA was then in its miracle phase; everything that happened seemed strange, wonderful, out of this world. Hopeless drunks were being lifted out of the gutter. Individuals who had sought every known means of help without success were responding to this new approach. To be close to any such group even by proxy was in itself most electrifying.
In addition, professionally, a whole new avenue to the problem of alcoholism had opened up. Somewhere in the AA experience was the key to sobriety. Here was the first authentic clue after many years of fruitless effort. Needless to say, the possibilities ahead were most intriguing. Perhaps I could learn how AA worked and thus could learn something about how people stopped drinking. All of which meant that I shared in the general excitement of those days. I could see some daylight ahead. My future in this regard was now clear: I would try to discover what made AA tick. In this quest for understanding, I would never have gotten beyond first base if it had not been for Bill W. and many of the early members. A study of the Twelve Steps helped a little but of far greater importance were the many insights already possessed by Bill and the others in the process through which AA brought about its results. I heard of the need to "hit bottom," of the necessity for accepting a Higher Power, of the indispensability of humility--ideas which had never crossed my professional horizon and had certainly never influenced my non-professional thinking or attitudes.
Revolutionary as they were, they nevertheless made sense and I found myself embarked on a tour of discovery. I began to recognize more clearly what "hitting bottom" really implied and I began to do what I could to induce the experience in patients--always wondering what was happening inside the individual as he went through the crisis of hitting bottom. Finally fortune smiled on me again, this time from another patient.
For some period she had been under my new brand of psychotherapy designed to promote hitting bottom. For reasons completely unknown, she experienced a mild but typical conversion which brought her into a positive state of mind. Led by the newly-found spiritual elements, weak though they were, she started attending various churches in town. One Monday morning she entered my office, her eyes ablaze, and at once commenced talking. "I know what happened to me. I heard it in church yesterday. I surrendered."
With that word "surrender" she handed me my first real awareness of what occurred during the period of hitting bottom. The individual was fighting an admission of being licked, of admitting he was powerless. If and when he surrendered, he quit fighting, could admit he was licked and could accept that he was powerless and needed help. If he did not surrender, a thousand crises could hit him and nothing would happen. The need to induce surrender became the new therapeutic goal.
The miracle of AA was now a little clearer. For reasons still obscure, the program and the fellowship of AA could cause a surrender which in turn would lead to a period of no drinking.
As might be expected, I, too, had a thrill all my own. I was getting in on what was happening, always an enjoyable experience.
Still questing eagerly, I shifted my therapeutic attack. The job now was to induce surrender. When I tried to cause that I ran into a whole nest of resistances to the idea, totally new territory to be explored. As I continued my tour, it became ever more apparent that, in everyone's psyche there existed an unconquerable ego which bitterly opposed any thought of defeat. Until that ego was somehow reduced or rendered ineffective, no likelihood of surrender could be anticipated.
The shifts in emphasis from hitting bottom to surrender to ego reduction all occurred during the first five or six years after my initial contact with AA. I well remember the first AA meeting to which I spoke on the subject of ego reduction. AA, still very much in its infancy, was celebrating a third or fourth anniversary of one of the groups. The speaker immediately preceding me told in detail of the efforts of his local group--which consisted of two men--to get him to dry up and become its third member. After several months of vain efforts on their part and repeated nose-dives on his, the speaker went on to say: "Finally I got cut down to size and have been sober ever since," a matter of some two or three years.
When my turn came to speak, I used his phrase, "cut down to size," as a text around which to weave my remarks. Before long, out of the corner of my eye, I became conscious of a disconcerting stare. It was coming from the previous speaker. Looking a little more directly, I could see his eyes fixed on me in open-eyed wonder. It was perfectly clear that he was utterly amazed that he had said anything which made sense to a psychiatrist. The look of incredulity never left his face during my entire talk.
The incident had one value in my eyes. It showed that two people, one approaching the matter clinically and the other relying on his own intuitive report of what had happened to him, both came up with exactly the same observation: the need for ego reduction.
During the past decade, my own endeavors have centered primarily upon this problem of ego reduction. How far I have been able to explore that territory is not at all certain. I have, however, made a little progress and I shall try first to acquaint you with some of my findings, and second, to relate them to the AA scene as I see it.
As I have already stated, the fact that hitting bottom could produce a surrender which cut the ego to size was evident, fairly soon. In time, two additional facts manifested themselves. The second of these two was that surrender is essentially a disciplinary experience.
The first is merely repeating a fact known to you all. It is common knowledge that a return of the full-fledged ego can happen at any time. Years of sobriety are no insurance against its resurgence. No AA, regardless of his veteran status, can ever relax his guard against a reviving ego.
Recently one AA, writing to another, reported he was suffering, he feared, from "halotosis," an obvious reference to the smugness and self-complacency which so easily can creep into the individual with years of sobriety behind him. The assumption that one has all the answers--or the contrary, that one needs to know no answers and just follow AA--are two other indicators of trouble. In both, open-mindedness is notably absent.
Perhaps the commonest manifestation of the return of the ego is witnessed in the individual who falls from his pink cloud, a state of mind familiar to you all. This blissful state is a logical aftermath of surrender. The ego which has been full of striving, just quits and the individual senses peace and quiet within. The result is an enormous feeling of release and the person flies right up to his pink cloud, and thinks he has found Heaven on earth.
Everyone knows he will come down sometime but it is perhaps not equally clear that it is ego slowly making its comeback which forces the descent from the pink cloud into the arena of life where, with the help of AA, he can learn how to become a sober person and not an angel.
I could go on with many more examples familiar to you all to show you the danger of ever assuming the ego is dead and buried. Its capacity for rebirth is utterly astounding and must never be forgotten.
My second finding--that surrender is a disciplinary experience--requires explanation. In recent articles, I have shown that the ego basically must be continuously forging ahead and that it operates on the unconscious assumption that it, the ego, should not be stopped. It takes for granted its right to go ahead and in this respect has no expectation of being stopped and no capacity to adjust to that eventuality. Stopping says in effect, "no, you can't continue," which is the essence of disciplinary control. The individual who cannot take a stopping is fundamentally an undisciplined person.
The function of surrender in AA is now clear. It produces that stopping by causing the individual to say, "I quit, I give up my headstrong ways. I've learned my lesson." Very often for the first time in that individual's adult career, he has encountered the necessary discipline which halts him in his headlong pace.
Actually he is lucky to have within him the capacity to surrender. It is that which differentiates him from the wild animals. They may be cowed but are never really tamed. They never develop a love for the power of their master which we humans can for the Master who rules us all. And this happens because we can surrender and truly feel, "Thy Will, not mine, be done." When that is true, we have become in fact "obedient servants of God." The spiritual life at that point is a reality. We have become members of the human race.
I have now presented the two points I wished to make, namely first, the ego is revivable and second, surrender is a disciplinary experience. I next wish to discuss their significance for AA as I see it. Primarily they say quite simply, "AA can never be just a miracle." The single act of surrender can produce sobriety by its stopping effect upon the ego. Unfortunately that ego will return unless the individual learns to accept a disciplined way of life which means the tendency for ego comeback is permanently checked.
This is not news to AA members. They have learned that a single surrender is not enough. Under the wise leadership of the "founding fathers," the need for continued endeavor to maintain that miracle has been steadily stressed. The Twelve Steps urge repeated inventories, not just once, and the Twelfth Step is in itself a routine reminder that one must work at preserving sobriety. Moreover, it is referred to as Twelfth Step work--which is exactly what it is. By that time, the miracle is for the other fellow.
The Twelve Traditions are also part of the non-miracle aspect of AA. They represent, as Bill W. has said, the lessons of experience. They serve as guides for the inexperienced; in reality they check the ways of the innocent and unwary. They bring the individual down to earth and present him with the facts of reality. In their own fashion, they say: "Pay heed to the teachings of experience or you will court disaster." It is not without reason that we talk of the "sober voice" of experience.
My stress on the non-miracle elements of AA has a purpose. When I made my first acquaintance with AA, I rode the pink cloud with most of its members. I, too, went through a period of disillusionment and, fortunately for me, I came out with a faith far stronger than anything a pink cloud can supply. Mind you, I'm not selling miracles short; they do loosen the individual up. I now know, however, that truth of the Biblical saying, "By their works ye shall know them." Only through hard toil and labor can lasting results be obtained.
As a consequence of the need for work to supplement any miracle, my interest in the non-miracle features has grown. I can accept more truly the necessity of organization, of structure which curbs as well as guides. I believe there must be meetings like this one to provide the sense of belonging to a big working organization of which each individual is but a part. And I believe that any group or individual who fails to participate in the enterprises of the organization is rendering himself and his group a disservice by not submitting to the disciplinary values inherent in those activities. He may be keeping his ego free of entanglements but he is also keeping it unstopped. His chances of remaining sober are not of a high order. He is really going it alone and is headed for another miracle which may not come off next time.
Grace (BTY) - you're just mastering the things you're currently working on. We never stop learning like children. They lunge forward - 'play it out' practice it for a while - seemingly not learning anything new, and not interested or able to learn anything new - but in reality - they are creating the foundation for what's next. Solidifying the knowledge into their memory and in all parts of living and being human. Then, when the time is right - they naturally move forward leaps and bounds again... following what their instincts tell them to focus on next. Hopefully this will take place with the guidance of more experienced people (their parents or other adults/teachers) to follow, learn from by example, inspire and nourish their curiosity in a safe and loving manner. In comparison to AA - we would call these people "old timers" or people who have done the "work" or "play" if you'd like to call it that - you're looking to do next.
It was said to me early on "AA is a safe playground" and this is what I believe this saying to mean: We never stop growing if we remain teachable and see the world through the eyes of a child with wonder. While you let your inner child learn and practice and play - you find the real you buried alive under a sea of alcohol.
It is a pleasure to have you here - and remember please to be gentle with yourself. What you say to others about YOU.... YOU'RE listening to. Treating yourself the way an all loving HP would want you to treat you, will bring out the self esteem and worth that got drowned in that sea too. I hope you will honor the gift your HP has given you (your mind,body and soul) and speak kindly of it - and to it :)
With love Tasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 10:02:44 AM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks, Tasha...
I appreciate your help. A lot of what I say about myself I don't even take all that seriously. I'm just poking a little fun at myself and trying to provide a laugh to others who may be depressed and have a lot more troubles than I do and ever have. There are a couple of oldtimers on this board who do similar to that, and I don't think they really are that down on themselves, rather than finding humor which is very important to me. I would rather rib myself than others like I have heard on this board sometimes. And also, I've started my 4th Step and taking my own inventory of my faults isn't exactly my idea of being that gentle with myself. Thanks for the white board message, too. Again, I appreciate your concern, but thanks to AA and sobriety, I really like myself more now than I have in years.
And besides, I don't think anyone wants to hear this ole alcoholic talk about how great I really think I am, but if I'm wrong maybe someone will let me know and my next posting will be a doozy! (((((Tasha))))
I found out that sarcasm and poking fun was a character defect in my 4th step - and actually the hardest one for me to give up of all... it was so insidious and sneaky with it's mask of laughter. I found other ways to laugh :) I had some help to see it from Jerry here with over 30 yrs in the program. He was gentle to me about it, and taught me how to be gentle with myself while unearthing the mountain of character defects I had/have. It is not a gentle process, all the more reason to be good to you while venture into the realm that could best be described as a walking raw nerve ending. I will be forever grateful to him and others who supported me through it... so I no longer have to b ea perpetrator of shame in my home - and my children are free from growing up the way I did with poking fun and sarcasm. There is no greater reward for me. You're doing great.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Wow Tasha, ... it is my humble observation that you speak the wisdom of someone twice your age ... you seem to never cease to amaze me ... you're simply awesome ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
P.S. ... BTY, you and I are a lot alike, let's continue to learn together ... ((((hugs))))
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I remember saying I was bored, and gawh I really was! My life seemed to have lost its heart beat... no drama, no crisis, no conflict, ... just felt somewhat flat lined at times. When I talked to my sponsor about it, he suggested I convert my boredom and accept it as being serenity. Now, I like serenity, that's cool, but gosh, what do we do when we need that little jolt of adrenaline? Well, I find a nice country road and crank up the tunes, and then step on the gas... and I mean, really step on it.
WARNING: Do not do this while texting!
Also, I find something to do that I enjoy, such as customizing motorcycles, and reselling them after I ride em' for a bit, lol. I also enjoy flipping cars.. finding one in good shape at a low price, buying it, put it through a good clean up and put it back on the market... I get some adrenaline from simple things today.
At 130 or so, I back out of the gas pedal... and just smile... heart beating good again. LOL
Okay - seriously - I do this too John, the flipping stuff thing... campers. And PAPPY does too I think? Right Rog? Hnmmm must be something in that alcoholic gene for sure!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
And thank you Pappy - NOW HERE IT IS: I can NOT STOP MYSELF POKE POKE::::: Pappy, I do not know anyone twice your age or I would say DITTO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I couldn't stop myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, please please help me. LOL Love you Rog... but I need to go and read up on step 6 and 7.... talking about and living it are cLEARly 2 different things! Oh me oh my.
Sorry everyone -
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 12:09:21 PM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Okay Tash, ... ... ... you'll have to forgive me, ... I can't stop laughing hardly long enough to type out anything ... ... ... ...
The thought never occurred to me that yep, I know quite a few people twice your age, but you know ??? ... I can't think of one person twice my age, LOL ... ya got me !!! ... ... ... wow, that means they'd have to be 122, good Lord ... ... ...
oh boy, what ever I was think'n of posting just flew out the window ... thanks Tash, now I've gone 'brain dead' ... ... ... and it's not supposed to get above 'freezing' here for the next 5 days ... and we got down to -2 degrees a couple weeks ago ... will you pul-leeze keep that sh*t up there Tash, I DO NOT LIKE IT ... ... ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ok, you asked for it.... I am great, the most wonderful loving caring person in the world. I cannot find anyone as nice and thoughtful as I am. It is only because of the alcohol and the people in my life which caused me so many problems and caused me to drink that I had any problems at all. They're a bunch of losers who tried to ruin my life and boy, do they need to do an inventory on themselves because they're the ones with the problems. (See....it can be worse.)
...And I hope I never lose my sense of humor, even if it is a "character defect" because it is one of the only things I truly "own" right now, most everything else I drank away. :sad: But I appreciate your caring and thank you for sharing, jad, and I will talk to my sponsor about that.
Geesh.....am I expected to be "perfect" after completing these steps? Ain't no way that's going to happen. I mean I will work harder than I've ever worked on anything because it is so important from what I have heard, but I am still human. Some of you guys are scaring me.
Anyway......Butterfinger, where are you???? I'm backing off as this was your posting and didn't mean to hijack it and now I am really depressed.
Hi BTY52, Nope, we certainly don't get perfect when we work the steps. As my old sponsor used to tell me, "Darling, you can read that Big Book cover to cover and work those steps for the rest of your life, and the most 'spiritual' you are ever going to get is 'human'. But now you'll have recovery from alcoholism, with the tools and experience to navigate your way through life, feeling much more comfortable in your own skin, without needing or wanting a drink." And for an alcoholic, that's pretty miraculous. You're awesome, BTY52.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 05:47:21 PM
Hey, since Butterfinger is lost in action, I am taking this opportunity to follow up. I was just joking about the "being perfect"....there goes that sarcasm character defect again. Seems like that is the lesser of two evils on this board.... choose to be sarcastic once in a while for my "rush" or drive 100+ mph....hmmm..I think I'll stick with the sarcasm one. Can't possibly kill anyone by doing the latter anyway.
As my old sponsor used to tell me, "Darling, you can read that Big Book cover to cover and work those steps for the rest of your life, and the most 'spiritual' you are ever going to get is 'human'.
That's exacly what they tell us in How It Works...
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
(((((Tasha))))
