I work grounds and garden for a local Hotel. It keeps me from being idle in my retirement and its fun. The fun gets weird at times like this morning when I got there I saw some litter on the grounds from the drinkers who partied over the weekend. (Can't remember ever doing that but I digress). I picked up a bottle which had a bit left in it and turned it up-side down to empty it. Ancient curiosity always has me read the labels(?) The smell initially was repulsive and then it wasn't...it brought back memories. The can logo has been cropping up more than several times over the last week and I am not supersticious yet the first time it cropped up my sub-conscious said "I want one"!!
I'm curious in light of Dr. Harry Tibout's support to AA and his lesson on the difference between submission and surrender. What he said was that in submission the alcoholic goes along on the conscious level that he cannot drink "for now" but there will come a day when he will be able to resume. In surrender the alcoholic admits on a sub-conscious level that he cannot ever drink again". I didn't come into recovery from the front door of AA. I was alcohol free for 9 years in the family groups program before an honest assessment sent me for review at the adult inpatient rehab where I was told that if the person who did the assessment ever drank again they would die. (It was anonymous up until I told the head nurse it was mine). I know the progression of our disease...it has always amazed me. I worked as a therapist at that same rehab.
Because of the review I got into AA and have followed the program as suggested and more I hang with alcoholics who have relapse experience. Why do I do it? I'm no big deal when it comes to our disease. The assessment revealed that I had overdosed 3 times when drinking. I never knew I was reaching overdose because physically I am chemically tolerant and often wouldn't feel drunk...mostly I would feel out of control and angry...(scarey person to drink with).
What I'd like to hear about is anyone's experience with sub-conscious memory...that level of consciousness below the normal level. I've always been a curious person especially about alcoholism and my part in it. I've always been a member that reaches out for help from others' experiences. In advance Mahalo....thank you.
I don't know about subconscious memory but I liked what you wrote about submission and surrender. Our book talks about surrender and permanent recovery, but some parts of our fellowship, or folks in it, talk like every day is the day you could relapse. They seem to be walking on egg shells. Perhaps these folks are in submission, just sober today, sober for the time being.
Through the program I have learned to live life one day at a time, but I am here to stay sober for good. I fully accept that I can never drink again.
Thanks Mike and I relate as I am doing the same one day at a time, life on lifes terms and more. My studies with experiences in part reveal that the subconscious is where dreams/former events are recorded and then can "present" at any time at will which is what appears to be happening. Spoke with a guy today from "off shore" who has 42 years in program about the phenomena and he wasn't aware of Harry Tibout and his offering and was aware of reoccuring thoughts from time to time which he considered insignificant considering his conscious sobriety. Good conversation.
I have heard of Harry and read something of his recently. He was writing with enthusiasm about this wonderful AA phenomena. In those days recovery from alcoholism as we know it, had been quite a rare thing. When small numbers began to recover through the AA program, this was exciting because the method (steps, one alky talking to another etc) could be repeated. When 10 newcomers got together with their 12 stepper and really gave it an honest shot, 5 of them got well immediately. This was unheard of previously. The numbers then were small but the method and results were consistent.
Anyway I digress. On thinking about your post a bit more I wonder if you are driving at another pattern that can develop in recovery through failure to make amends. I have heard that those who don't ruthlessly face their sins and clean up after themselves often have trouble in that area of their life. For example, those who avoid financial amends seem to have trouble managing their money because they continue to repeat earlier mistakes. I'm not sure I have put that very well but I hope it makes sense to you.
I kinda sorta know what you mean and keep an open find for other explanations and experiences also. Part of my recovery experience is from the AMA definition of alcoholism (only part) which earlier on mentions that alcoholism is not a "moral issue" . Another part is from my college attendance specifically regarding alcoholism and substance abuse addiction...addiction is most simply "habitual behavior" and mine was re-inforced by family and friends that "man you can drink (alot)" and "You're NOT alcoholic" There was a time these two responses to my drinking life suggested I didn't have a problem...others did...I did not. Another re-inforcement was that I "learned how to drink and practiced how I did it...what I ate before drinking, what my mindset was and my isolation personality. I drank alot and I drank often and the only times I "pushed it" it resulted in toxic shocks. I didn't respect alcohol and alcoholism then as I do now...then I "just drank" now I have a whole protocol - program for not drinking and avoiding near occasions of it. I am analytical which means of course I analyze almost everything yet also until I got into recovery the analyzing never benefitted me and I got into lots of severe problems. I knew lots about alcohol and nothing about me and alcohol. Learning about me resulted in the solutions and getting into AA even after being 9 years alcohol free in another 12 step program. I act as if I have two conscious levels; the "present" and the "sub" ...it's the subconscious which still retains memory which I can freely access or which can run on it's own or like another alcoholic told me the other day..."My mind has a mind of its own". Thanks for the feedback.
