Matt-1st of all, congrats on the impending 9 months. Yes, we have the option of leaving that behind, but, speaking for myself, if I do, then a relapse is inevitable. My alcoholism is that bad. "I will not drink again-even though I have fleeting moments...But I won't drink again." That's a subtle hint that somewhere there is potential to take the risky endeavor(sic?). Being an alcoholic in recovery will not hold you back from future goals. Hang on. Pretty soon there will be other replies to your post that will make more sense than mine.-'H8r
Welcome Tirian! Nice to have you here with us. For me, I never want to forget that I'm an Alcoholic. I am mentally and bodily different from my fellows. But, it's okay today, because I have a Higher Power and program of Action to arrest it- One day at a time. The minute I think I'm like everyone else, well, my thinking has changed and I'll start living the life of my past. A life where the EGO drives each day instead of a HP. I will be moving toward my next drink. The slogan: "First Things First" means to be that I'm an Alcoholic, everything else comes after that. For me, there's no shame in being an Alcoholic. I didn't ask for this. But, I accept it today. The shame for me comes when I don't do anything about it.
The BB states: Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Good Morning Matt, Congrats on 9 months. We are pretty close in our sobriety time. I had the same thinking you did when I have tried to get sober before. Then I realized that is my alcoholic mind talking trying to convince me that "I have this under control". Stopped going to meetings, stopped reading the literature and soon my sobriety time stopped as well and those thoughts "I think I would like to have A glass....."became no longer stayed just a thought in my head which I thought I had control over, but reality and I was back to drinking my 10, 15 and more drinks per day.
If you are truly an alcoholic like I am, than you will be an alcoholic for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter whether I "feel" like I am one or not. I have to accept that diagnosis for myself, have respect for the power that alcohol can and will kill me and I have to do things everyday to treat my alcoholism like go to meetings, read the BB and other literature, work the steps with my sponsor, etc. I cannot ever let myself think "I've got this" and slip back into a mindset where I feel like I can control my disease on my own. To do so will only lead to my self-destruction.
Hey Matt...I'm a permanant alcoholic. They talk in the Big Book about the different types of drinkers....One being the real alcoholic. That one fit the bill for me straight on. No one can diagnose you as alcoholic but yourself. No doctors...No family members....Nobody. I don't know where you are in your AA recovery...Have you remained sober and are feeling good at 9 months without working the suggested program of recovery?...The steps? If so....Alcohol may have been your problem. You remove it...All is good.
For myself...Alcohol was just a symptom of my problem. Without it...I am restless, irritable and discontented. I needed those steps to get down to the causes and conditions that made that so.
There are few parts in the book that answered important questions for me about my alcoholism....A lot of them really...But these two stand out.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
BB pg 17
That's me....And that's what I needed....The result of working the 12 steps.
We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this.
BB pg 22 - 23
Also me....I can confirm that.
I look at it like this....
I have a three fold disease....With a three part solution
Disease...Mental, Physical and Spiritual.
Solution....Recovery(steps)....Unity(Fellowship/meetings)....Service(Carry the message/Helping suffering alcoholics,etc.)
That's what I am...That's what works for me. You have to figure out your own condition on your own......Little advice if I can?.....Be honest about it.....That wasn't an easy thing for me to do.
The fact that I dont want to call myself an alcoholic proves to me I am. I am also allergic to hairspray. I do not mind saying that and I don't mind taking measures to stay away from it. Only alcoholics fight thinking or calling themselves alcoholics because of the mental twist along with it.
Rest assured... its a privilege to get to be here... and a gift to want to be here.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I think lizmccal raises a VERY good question - what does an alcoholic feel like?
In your first post, you say "I don't feel like an alcoholic!", which is immediately followed by "I will not drink again".
If someone is not an alcoholic, there's no reason for them to be thinking about whether they will drink again or not. They can drink, and it's not a problem.
Are you maybe confusing the idea of being an alcoholic with the idea of having cravings? If so, sure, those cravings can leave us, and when we work a program of recovery we can get to the point where we don't want or need a drink and we don't feel like we're missing anything and we're reasonably happy most of the time.
But we're still alcoholics because of what WOULD happen if we DID drink.
If you DID drink, do you think you would drink like a normal person, without any craving being triggered, and simple stop after one drink because that's enough and you don't want any more? If not, well there's your answer.
I feel like an alcoholic, but one that has to work a program to continue having my life blossom in the wonderful ways it has over 5 years sober and active in AA. I was told early on that I would "get stuff back" and that some measure of "manageability" would come back to my life rather quickly, but not to forget where it came from. It came from working a program and I have to give back to keep it. I have to keep showing up to continue dealing with life on lifes terms. I have to keep applying the steps and the principles of those steps to my life or else, I forget how to handlle life....I no longer will be able to handle situations that baffle me and I am in danger of relapse. I fought going to AA so hard and I made my life hell in the process. When I finally surrendered to this program and this new way of life, everything changed. For that, I will keep coming back and not forget where I came from.
I don't need to go to 3 meetings a day, but AA and my recovery remains central.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I was the same way. After every stretch of sobriety in AA I no longer felt like I had a problem. In fact I felt so good that time and time again I eventually decided that I wasn't a real alcoholic to begin with and drifted back to my old ways. I wasted years and suffered greatly because of this way of thinking.
