Anyone who has had the experience of knowing me over the past few years is familiar with my struggle with alcohol and my inability to make any sort of lasting change. Some of you have witnessed my roller coaster of highs and lows and, with good reason, written me off as one of the unfortunate souls who would never get it. For those of you out there who are struggling and failing and feeling hopeless keep picking yourself back up, dusting yourself off and coming back. After decades of failure I experienced what the BB refers to as a psychic change. It wasn't overly profound, I didn't see angels or hear the voice of God. I just had an inexplicable shift in my mind that changed everything in an instant. I had been killing myself with binge drinking and smoking since I was 15 years old. Since this change occurred I've had no desire to touch a cigarette or havea drink. The obsession just simply vanished.
I was a difficult case. I was arrogant. I thought I was too smart to believe in a higher power. I thought I was better than other alcoholics. I was obnoxious. I was rebellious. I treated those who attempted to help me poorly. I was in denial. I blamed everyone and everything around me for my problems. I was grossly immature as my emotional development had been stunted from my alcoholism. I was argumentative and confrontational. And even with all that going against me this program still saved my life. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
I miss you folks. I stay away because I've caused problems here in the past and done more harm than good to anyone reading the things I've posted. I can't erase my past behavior but I can forgive myself for it. That's new for me. I've always been harder on myself than anyone else has. I hope I can post occasionally without being a catalyst for drama.
You don't cause any drama here BF...You can post anytime you want. It's great to see you. I am curious about one thing. Did you have this psychic change as the result of taking the 12 steps?
Butterfinger, I didn't read down the posts far enough before asking you how you are in another post....it is great to hear how you are staying sober and thanks so much for sharing. I miss seeing your postings and sure hope you continue to be a part of this board.
The catalyst for my change was a birthday. Sounds innocent enough, I'm sure we've all made resolutions and self promises to change when hitting a milestone b-day but this was something different. For the first time it sunk in that there were fewer years in front me than behind me. I thought about my twobaby girls and how much I want to be there for them. I thought about my wife and how much she loves me. I was killing myself. Taking years possibly decades off of my life. And for what? What was I getting out of it that could possibly be worth all the guilt and misery? What was it about being a slowly dying drunk that was worth missing out on watching my daughters grow up and growing old with my wife? And then in that instant everything changed for me and the obsession was lifted.
Oh don't get me wrong I'm far from cured. I guess I'm what they call a dry drunk. I still need to keep working the steps and dealing with all the symptoms of my alcoholic brain. I'm just free of thinking about drinking now as I move forward. Honestly I never believed that I could walk away from my addictions without feelings of great loss and without intense obsessive thinking about it. I could never do it in the past. It's my belief that all my in and outs in the program slowly chipped away at me. Each attempt a little more AA would find it's way into my head and my heart. My addiction's defenses eventually weakened which was hastened by my love for my new babies. And when I finally got serious I knew what to do and I knew what was there for me in the program.
My guess is that many people have the kind of psychic shift I did all on their own and make the changes they need to. I couldn't do that without the fellowship. I just couldn't get there on my own.
