"One AA member recalls that, even during the worst of her drinking career, she never lost her faith. "I had a firm, unshakable belief--in disaster." she explains. "Every morning, almost my first conscious thought was "Oh, my God, I wonder what new troubles are going to hit me today!"
Sober Living, page 47. (Being Grateful chapter)
I read this just a few minutes ago and thought that I could have written that. That is the same thing I thought everyday . My drinking had gotten to the point that I felt powerless to do anything to change it and that I was going to die a drunk. Based on all of the bad things that continued to happen because of my excessive drinking for several years, my thinking was "what else bad is going to happen today?" I too, had faith--not in a HP at that point--but a strong belief that only bad could and would come as a result of my way of living. And actually, my way of living wasn't really "living" it was a way of dying, because I was certainly killing myself with the drinking.
AA has given me a new belief system and instead of waking up and thinking throughout the day about what disasters are going to occur, I have started to look forward to living each day with anticipation and hope instead of dread and fear. I still have some days where I get down and depressed, but that is normal. Everyone does. I just choose to turn it over to my HP, come to this board and share, go to meetings, and am learning how to deal with problems in a different way. I feel more powerful because I am not drinking to escape from them anymore. I love my new life and am glad that I have been given a second chance to really live.
Oh yeah. Especially during the final couple of years of my drinking, I would go through that horrible process every morning. It would hit me like a punch in the gut a couple of minutes after I woke up - that awful feeling of dread and a vague yet powerful feeling of impending doom. And then struggling to push those feelings down to get through the day until I could start drinking again to get some relief, even though on some level I knew that it was all a vicious cycle and a self-fulfilling prophesy and that drinking would only be making things worse tomorrow...
Sure, life has its ups and down and some challenges and frustrations, but I am SO grateful that I have not had to live like that for a long time now. Thank you, BTY52, for that reminder.
