I got out of the VA treatment program back in the middle of December. I have PTSD along with addiction which is pretty common with all my brothers. The past eight years plus I have been clean and have had no problems. During this time my girls and I have had a wonderful relationship, they are daddy's little girls and loved me and looked up to me. Still sober which, as expected. I don't count my days really. It's probably around 60 for those OCD folks out there that have to know. Just like most stories or a lot of stories especially in the BigBook, people have lost everything and I am one of those. I don't care about the fact that I lost my house financial sustainability or anything else. My daughters told me today that they don't want to see me for a while. That they want to give them time with themselves. They are 15 and 13, and if I want to be real jerk I can legally make them come over here and see me anyway. I chose not to, and I'm going to give them as much time as they need. But I am hurting so badly right now. They were quite literally one of the few reasons I half to live, they are so wonderful. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them we've had a wonderful relationship, and I'm going to meetings I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing to stay sober. Quite frankly I don't even want to use. My heart is simply crushed to the point that I am worse off emotionally than I was before when I was actually using and before I went to treatment. I just wanted to know if there's any of you out there in my situation, that could comment and give me some advice. I do believe in God, and I just got out from my knees praying. I am a former paratrooper the 82nd Airborne Division, and I never cry usually but this has me simply broken. I don't have a home group yet and the temporary sponsor that I did have well, started drinking. Obviously, going to a meeting is what most people will say and that's, you know a given. But my heart is broken right now and I don't have any friends of the program yet, is one of you has some insight, it would be appreciated. God bless you all, and curse this disease of ours
-- Edited by Aaronmk on Sunday 5th of January 2014 03:41:31 AM
Our thoughts are with you and I know that we'll all be joining our prayers with yours. Keep "doing the deal" and things will change for the better. Blessings, Mike D.
Welcome to MIP Aaron...And thank you for your service....I don't think there is any better service work than that.
I also know that feeling of being completely broken. I don't have kids but I lost everything I had in life due to my drinking. A wife of 17 years...Family members...Friends...Employers....That wanted nothing to do with me. When I look at the way I was living...I can't really blame them. Forget about the material things I had...I was borderline homeless.
One of the things I've learned since coming into AA...And working the suggested program of recovery....Was how spritually sick I was....I also believe in God....As I understand what God is to me. I just had no idea how much was blocking me from Him. I had nothing in the tank spiritually. I had to find out the causes and conditions of my behavior.....Drinking or not drinking. I learned about how much fear played a major factor in my life...And resentment....I didn't know what a resentment was before AA. I had a lot of them. And selfishness and selfcenteredness...The root of my problem. Remember alcohol is just a symptom. These had to be faced and removed before I could even attempt living a normal life and gaining some trust back from people I'd hurt....Badly. And I couldn't just live not drinking...Always being restless, irritable and discontent...That didn't work...So I found the solution in working the 12 steps. No other way for this once hopeless alcoholic.
There is a part of the book that really hit home for me on page 45.
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral. And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God. Here difficulty arises with agnostics. Many times we talk to a new man and watch his hope rise as we discuss his alcoholic problems and explain our fellowship. But his face falls when we speak of spiritual matters, especially when we mention God, for we have re-opened a subject which our man thought he had neatly evaded or entirely ignored.
Think about that....
Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.
Not help you solve your problem...But will solve your problem. The 12 steps removed what was blocking me...And gave me a design for living where I keep my relationship with Him....And others...right. That's what is working for me.....And a lot of other people. Just a suggestion. You know what?.....Things are getting better for me everyday.....And I haven't had to have a drink for 2 and half years....That's a long time for this alcoholic.
just to add to what Stepchild wrote above, the Doctor's opinion has a passage which might help.
"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives."
One of the paradox's of recovery, victory comes from defeat. You sound as defeated as I was, and that's the best place to be to start this journey. My suggestion is to find someone who has had a spritual experience as the result of working the steps, and ask them to show you how it's done.
I had a HP created metaphor which pulled me back into understanding and acceptance and help me create a larger desire for recovery. I went thru emotional crises while in my car heading for a service position and it was strong enough mentally and emotionally that I wanted to just quit (not what you're thinking about) and while I was going thru the crises my radio started emitting a shrill signal and then a voice over the top of it..."This is a test...this is only a test". I have come to learn that the strength of my recovery, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually often is how many tests I pass thru. My relationship with my kids (adults) was shattered by he addiction and alcoholism in my life and the judge would not allow me custody "men are not considered supportive parents" (unquote) and we were separated by miles and long periods of time and the insane involvement of others in this disease. To make a long story short I tested the "turn it over" lessons of the first 3 of our twelve steps and let go absolutely using the separation to focus on my own life recovery. When they were old enough to decide for themselves they and I were reunited and at times lived together...we came back together when tthey were adults; no longer kids and life together today is now a different story. My eldest is alcoholic/addict and has relapsed and the others are living life on life's terms. We get together from time to time and they like and appreciate the "programed" life my wife and I live and still its a different story. The two days in the week we cannot do anythng with is yesterday and tomorrow. You can't and won't always be heartbroken. I don't think you would choose that for yourself. Feel it then let it go. Keep HP close along with the program and this MIP family. We'll help hold you up as long as you're willing to work it. Sad with you.
Thank you Brother, it means so much that other people care and understand who have this disease. My heart is so broken, yet I pray every day, and by Grace alone, have no urges to use. Bless you
It's so refreshing to see you break it down from the Big Book, and everything you said made complete sense. I have been self-centered, I have not been the best person I can be. Was sober for so long, but lacked working the steps, and fellowship. I'm not ashamed to admit I have tears in my eyes right now. There is some good that will come of this, I know it. I always ask God for me to do his will, and maybe this is his way of really getting my attention. All I know is I'm doing this for me now. Experience like yours shows me there is hope. Hopelessness is what I feel, and I'm grateful you reached out to me. Thank you. God Bless you Brother
I'm going to take your advice, Mike. Actually all of yours. I have my faith, which, if I was agnostic, would be a nightmare. My babies will see by my actions, and if they don't accept me then, well time will heal. This is a hellish journey to take, thank God I'm not alone, because I cannot do this myself. I did it for a while, but where did that get me?? Thank you for your sound advice, experience, strength, and hope. I spent all day at the VA getting enrolled in an outpatient PTSD/Substance abuse group. Need to really hit meetings. It's hard for a tough paratrooper to just walk up to someone after a meeting and start vomiting my problems on them, but that's what I'm going to do. You guys on this board give me the courage to do that. Thank you, and God Bless
It's so refreshing to see you break it down from the Big Book, and everything you said made complete sense. I have been self-centered, I have not been the best person I can be. Was sober for so long, but lacked working the steps, and fellowship. I'm not ashamed to admit I have tears in my eyes right now. There is some good that will come of this, I know it. I always ask God for me to do his will, and maybe this is his way of really getting my attention. All I know is I'm doing this for me now. Experience like yours shows me there is hope. Hopelessness is what I feel, and I'm grateful you reached out to me. Thank you. God Bless you Brother
I started this journey in AA with just a tiny bit of hope. That came from seeing people that had changed from working those steps....Nothing else. I wanted that. So I did what they said I should do...By the book. Things changed. That little bit of hope was all this once hopeless alcoholic needed. God Bless you too brother.
Thank you Jerry. Experience, strength and hope is what I need and you delivered. Just know you made a difference in this Alcoholic's life today. I need to get rid of these resentments and anger. It's just poison, but my God it's hard. Likely this is short term like one of the other members told me, this is the one thing in my life, my children, that it is my weak spot. I can forgive and forget anyone, and do all the time. Why in God's name can't I just let them be confused for a while? Hell, it confused me too, and I will make every effort to be more understanding. Thank you, again. God Bless you and your family
You hit the nail on the head my friend....the answers are so damn simple sometimes, and I make everything more difficult. I am definitely my own worst enemy. Thank you again Brother :)
God Bless you all for your support. I saw a license plate of a guy at work and asked him what it meant. He told me he was in AA and it meant "I Can't, We can" . Couldn't have said it better myself.
I saw a license plate of a guy at work and asked him what it meant. He told me he was in AA and it meant "I Can't, We can" . Couldn't have said it better myself.
I like that....That may not have been a coincidence...You should ask him to take you to a meeting.
This comes from "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. He was a psychologist prisoner at Auschwitz in WWII, and it's pretty profound, so I'll share it.
"There was plenty of suffering for us to get through. Therefore, it was necessary to face up to the full amount of suffering, and keep furtive tears to a minimum. BUT there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer."
Thanks for your service Aaron...it's guys like you that give the rest of us such a great country to live in!!!
I am newly sober so I don't have much advice or wisdom to pass on, but I can offer encouragement. Hang in there and lean on the many strong folks at the meetings - they have been where you are and really want to help. I'm just finding my way around, but there is so much advice and support in this forum alone to get you through these tough times.
If your daughters are your reason to live, they certainly must be your reason to live well! Not there in my step work yet, but I have been reading a lot about the power of living amends - even though they come much later in the process, they are certainly inspirational stories that give me a lot of hope. My intention is not to put the cart before the horse, but to open your eyes to the endless possibilities you have through recovery. Even as a paratrooper, I'd be willing to bet that you will be amazed by what the people in this program have pulled themselves out of.
Thank you man. Hey, we're all in this together and just being able to have access to these types of sites is a blessing because we meet even more people with experience, strength and hope. Thank you for the well wishes my friend. Combat is a walk in the park compared to this shit. No need for thanks my friend, a lot more of my brothers are still fighting, and God willing they will make it back safe. You guys on this site alone, have given me courage, and the inspiration I need to suck it up and ask for a sponsor. Pride goeth before the fall, right?? We'll make it. I am reaching for my Higher Power AKA GOD, and he is already easing some of my anger and resentment, but I still have a long way to go. Have a great night!
Yep, that's the power of AA ... we are all in this together and so many before us are paying forward to us, so we get the benefit of their wisdom and can channel our work to where it will help us the most.
I only have about 20 meetings to my name and can almost say to a certainty that I would have been back drinking without AA (including this board).
[@zoom] I won't pretend to know what you have gone through, but please know that just reading your post has boosted my spirit and gave me add'l hope for the day!
Hey Aaron
Sorry about what happened. Just a thought were your daughters attending alateen meetings? Its been a wonderful help for 4 of our children. They have been going each week for the past 4 years. I know youre not seeing them at the moment but who knows it could be something for the future. Theres even online meetings for them if theyre shy. My kids love them more than f2f ones actually as they feel they can share more in depth.
My heart goes out to you
Aaron,
Glad you are here for support. My daughter hasn't wanted to see me for over 5 years so I can empathize with you about that. It is heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm gaining strength every day brother. Thank you for your sacrifice as well. It's bad enough to have this disease, but pile PTSD on it---good times. Lol. My heart breaks for you man. I cannot imagine what you are going through with your family. I feel frustration a lot of these times. No one would be turning backs on us if we had a life-threatening disease, but hey you're a drunk/addict. You're a bad person....I am learning to let go of that stigma. I'm doing this for me now, so maybe this is a blessing. I reached out via text, to my daughters. Kept it light and happy. Dad is doing what he's suppose to be doing, and that's all I can do. I think they'll come around. Prayer and fellowship is saving me. Dude, I see little prayers being answered and to me, that is the coolest and most inspirational. That pinprick of hope is all I needed man. Thank you
Wow, five years. Brother I can't imagine. Thanks to you guys on this board, I have a temporary sponsor who actually has his shit wired tight. I took notes at a meeting about who I wanted to approach, lol. I reached out via text to my girls, and had a positive response from my oldest, which warmed my heart. I'm just gonna keep fighting man. I have been through way too much to go out like this. Little miracles, every day man. It's awesome to be paying attention and seeing them happen. Thanks to all of you. God Bless you
Much love to everyone on this board who has reached out to me. Day by day, sounds so damn cliche', but it's true. I am chomping at the bit to start my stepwork. Operation "Do it Myself" failed miserably. There was no light at the end of my tunnel when I was in Psych ICU, but that''s when I prayed, and God touched my heart and planted that pinprick of hope. I'm watering that plant now, You guys have all given me the courage to take these steps. Life still isn't peaches and flowers and shit, but you know what? I can look at the guy in the mirror and say, "yeah you're still an asshole, but you're worth it man". I have to ask God to remove a lot of character defects, but like the song from Eminem, "I'm not Afraid".....God speed
They aren't in alateen but I totally think that would be great for them. They have never seen Dad sick before and they may be feeling guilt too. Hell, I don't know. I did reach out via text to them and got a positive response from my oldest. Silence from my youngest. The more I reflect and journal, and pray, the more I see this as a blessing because I'm doing this for me now. I'm learning (baby steps), to let go of what I can't control. I believe some poison is being dripped in their ears by my Ex. I would hope she wouldn't do that, but hey, it's out of my control. When they see me healthy and sober, no matter what anyone says to them will matter. We are so close, and the pain still brings tears to my eyes daily, but I have the courage to suffer. Thank you for sharing, you made a difference in my thinking. Thank you.
I reached out via text man, got a positive response from my oldest. We are just so damn close, it's a daily heartcrusher. I'm praying and hitting meetings, I have faith they will come around. They just have never seen their "strong" lol dad sick before, and I think it freaked them out a bit. Gotta let go of my frustration, anger, and hurt because that is poison for my sobriety. I'm a frequent flyer at the freaking VA now, not a position I relish, but there are some good people there helping. Just wanted to give you a sit-rep. God Speed
I think you're heading on the right path Aaron...The steps is where it's at. That changed my life.....And that's what I needed more than anything....My life was intolerable and impossible....Did I mention unmanageable?
You sound like you have a good plan in place to stay sober Aaronmk. I have hopes that my daughter will want to see me again and I hope the same thing for you.
