Just got off the phone with my sponsor and I have a lot of guilt today. Guilt for not being with my children, guilt for not being in Oklahoma to help with a house that is falling apart, guilt for the things that I have said to my wife in the past while I was under the influence.........just a lot of guilt. Good news is that I have no desire to drink today :)!!
Had a conversation with my wife this afternoon, cordial conversation. She just wanted to know how I was doing and how things were going. Just a little background for those who don't know, a family friend felt it necessary that I move to Michigan from Oklahoma to be with my family, a larger support group if you will. He was truly afraid that I could be heading down a bad path. I have two sponsors, attend at least one meeting a day, read from the big book every day, prayer and meditation........I am working a good program. She says 'I've heard that one before'. I know that she has a lot of anger and resentment for what has gone on with my drinking in the past but I truly am working an honest program.
I know that there is nothing I can say that will make things right. Its time for action right now. Today, I am in a good spot, working an honest program. How do you deal with the guilt of past actions??
-- Edited by Standing_Tall on Friday 3rd of January 2014 04:41:06 PM
Here is how I did it ST....I honestly and thoroughly worked steps 4 through 9...Those are the steps we face and rid ourselves of what is blocking us from the sunlight of the spirit...Clear the wreckage of our past...Clean our side of the street....Right our wrongs the best we can. In step 10 I continue to try and keep my side of the street clean....Step 11 I try and improve my relationship with God as I understand Him....And in step 12 I try and practice this new way of living the best I can...And show people that ask...Like yourself...How I did it.
You say you work a good and honest program....Can I ask you if you've had a spiritual awakening?...An entire psychic change? as the result of those steps?
Great question ST, and good to see you back Stepman ... ... ...
Guilt ... ... ... For me ... I asked my sponsor the same thing ... How do I forgive myself ??? ... (and this also came up in a meeting) ... I was asked ... Do you believe in a 'higher power' ... I said yes ... then I was asked if I thought I was better or more powerful than my HP ??? ... to which I said NO ... THEN I was asked, if I believed that my HP would forgive me if I asked Him/Her to ??? ... I said 'of course' ... ... ... THEN I was asked, if I thought my HP would forgive me for my wrongs, then why could I not forgive myself ??? ... I had no answer ... THAT WAS my answer ... GET IT ??? ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ditto Stepchild's response. When our feelings of guilt and shame are a result of our actions, it takes counter-actions to remedy this. If I feel like crap because of my past actions, positive affirmations or a simple apology don't remedy the situation. The actions in steps 4 - 9 will do that.
I know that there is nothing I can say that will make things right. Its time for action right now. Today, I am in a good spot, working an honest program. How do you deal with the guilt of past actions??
Actually ST you will come to learn that this idea is premature in places...Following the program as suggested and working it in all facets of your life will turn alot of premature ideas on their heads. Not only will things you say be different and they will also be accompanied by new, different and more acceptable behaviors and the responses you get from others will be very different also.
You wife will have to learn how to take care of her own resentments and remorses and doubts, fears and lack of faith and there is the Al-Anon Family Groups with the identical 12 steps and traditions adopted from AA that she can sit down and listen and learn if she chooses and gain new understanding and far/insight.
I use to see a bumper sticker in the town I got sober in which read "Screw Guilt" and I inquired of the fellowship if that was one of "ours" to which they nodded and told me..."It means don't do anything to further be guity for"....Screw guilt...no more lying, cheating, stealing and all the other stuff that caused you to feel guilt from the past. I used that slogan to energize my 4th thru 9th steps and then my 10ths. I still use it on a daily basis. Being guilt free is one of the greatest examples of freedom I have been able to experience in recovery. Fear free is also.
I also am agreeing steps 4 through 9 are the answer but the changes and amends also need to be ongoing and living ones. In other words it has to be followed up with sober and changed behavior over a period of time. So it is officially "doing" those steps so you are then living the steps that will set you free. At least you are in the solution now.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I hear you, ST. My wife had similar doubts, regrets and all. She would say things like " Yeah, I heard that one before" or "You stopped drinking, please", not to mention her all time favorite " You'll never stay sober for any length of time". Words like that made sobriety that much tougher, but in the end she witnessed more than just a miracle. That, my friend, made everything worthwhile.
Those guilty associations you talked about brought me back to the early days of sobriety. I remember feeling remorseful over my numerous mistakes, just like you, even to the point of utter exhaustion. I thought "there's no way I can escape all of this". That was until I did the steps. After that, sobriety became more than just a priority. It was my way of redeeming the past.
Once I started to take responsibility for my actions -by sobering up, I started to see things more clearly. I finally realized; there were two sides to every story, and I relinquished 'my' part by sobering up. It was my way of owning up to my mistakes. After that, my relationship started to mend, and so can yours.
Let's face it: There's no way we can completely justify our level of responsibility without recognizing the other parties involvement -that would be downright shameful. So from a sober perspective, I would try to do a good 4th step, that way you can clear the way for the remaining 8. It's the only remedy that seems to work.
As far as your spouse is concerned, I would give her some time to adjust. That way you can focus on what's important; Remaining sober. The rest will come in due time. We promise. Get well, my friend, there's still a lot to learn. Onward...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 4th of January 2014 01:54:25 AM
Stepchild and many others have hit the nail right on the head. Take those directed actions which are laid out for us in the Big Book and you will change for the better...which also means your life will naturally change for the better. Blessings, Mike D.
what they said.
HOWEVER,remeber this:
Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us," Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.
It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
read more in "the family afterwards.
now throw out the arse kikin machine. yer not a bad man getting good. yer a sick man getting weller.
I will be getting there. With the two new sponsors that I have right now the decision was made to start from the beginning, take it slow and REALLY work the steps. In Oklahoma City, quite honestly, I was just going through the motions, was not serious about the program. Being away from the 'situation' has helped immensely and is keeping me on the right path. Like I said in my original post, its time for action. My words don't mean a whole lot right now, but that's ok............
Sounds like you are getting there....Action being the key word. The directions in the book are clearly written....Clear cut as they put it. And they are also very clear with what half measures will get us.......Nothing. While I'm not a big fan of taking it slow....I find it hard to launch into a course of vigorous action slowly....But that's just me....Wishing you the best ST.....Those promises will materialize....If we work for them.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 4th of January 2014 10:43:27 AM
