"Having healthy relationships with people means loving them for what they are now, not for what you hope they will be like tomorrow."
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.
One of the biggest faults I have is expecting too much from other people. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships and family members. Since being in AA I see that it in order for me to stay sober I have to change that part of my thinking instead of trying to change others. I think my unrealistic expectations of people caused me to drink a lot and it was easy for me to blame others who weren't doing things I wanted them to do. I now know that I need to love the people in my life for who they are and not who I think they should be.
BTY - The irony of this is that through AA we become people that we can like, love, and respect. From there, we no longer look to others to fill the gaps in our self-esteem and it becomes SOOOO much easier to accept and then actually appreciate people for who they are. At least that is what I learned in my sobriety.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Maybe that is some of what is happening, pinkchip, because I noticed that I am more critical of myself than others now. Not really beating myself up (oh, I do that too) but looking for ways I can improve myself and my self esteem is getting better. It was zilch when I was drinking. I am beginning to be the person I have wanted to be but didn't know how to be.
PC summed it up very well! I always looked to others to fill that hole inside me. It never worked. When people occassionally met my expectations, I always looked for more. I didn't realize that you can't fill a hole in your soul with external things. External things(people included) can provide pleasure, which is short lived. Sorta like the drink did. Happiness comes from the inside out. You can't buy it or obtain it with external things. By working The Program(Steps), The Promises materialize and we have a Spiritual Awakening that fills that hole. We then maintain that Spiritual condition by continuous action in AA.
The big book says most of our troubles come from our twisted relationships with others. If selfishness and selfcenteredness is the root of our problem, how could our relationships be any thing else but twisted. Although it looks like its all their fault. As its been said through working program God untwists all thats been twisted and we get to keep the work up so they stay untwisted.
Found a good acronim for relationship
R-really
E- exiting
L- love
A- affair
T- turns
I - in to
O- outragous
N- nightmare
S - sobriety
H- hangs
I - in
P- perril
Sorry about the spelling I spent too many school days drinking in the woods
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
... Billyjack ... ... ...