... someone who I hadn't seen in a long while. A lovely young girl who ended up in one of the many meetings around here that are mostly men, or all men - tho not mens meetings... and couldn't stick with that for whatever reason. We got to talk about other options today... and some other things too:
She was doing well, but did admit that she 'needs' to get back especially after last weekend. I didn't really ask about it - we were at Sams Club... she was working.
I had nearly just stole something.
I don't know what came over me but something really really weird and bizarre told me I deserved it I guess. It was as shocking to me - the thought process - like if it were 80 degree's outside here in Wisconsin today. Just out of place, out of no where and very bizarre. At this point in my life - what would be the point of ruining my self esteem? Why the self sabotage? After all I'd worked for - it would be no different than taking a drink. But today, for reasons I'm sure I could dig out, (less interest in recovery and more interest in 'stuff' with the after holiday DEALS - falling away from my readings, not actively working with others as much) little things that are actually big things... I wasn't worth happiness... just stuff.
I bought a computer for my dad and had to wait for some parts.
I was already checked out and had this stolen item in my cart. I hadn't crossed the finish line where the lady checks the receipt and the cart - and as I sat there and waited - this deep deep conscious for what I was doing washed through me and into my soul. I never really took the time to think these things through - because not thinking about it is my defense against any of my defects of character. I sat there and thought of my HP. I wondered how he would feel as I did this self sabotage. I thought about how I would feel if I got to watch my kids do it. I would wonder why they were making the choice to not honor themselves, their life, there own feelings. Why would they feel they weren't worth feeling good about themselves - or happiness? Where did the love for themselves go?
HP spoke to me - allowed me the opportunity to think about it, feel the things I needed to feel, and get up, turn around and go back through the check out again. The sense of relief and love rushed back through me. All thanks to this program and an all loving HP that I found here - through the steps - with a sponsor. I found I was loved. I found I could love myself - and with that gift - I could go on to love others.
I walked with a smile on my face, past check out after check out. I arrived at the very last lane - and there she was... and coincidentally, her name is Angel. I smiled a peaceful smile and she looked at me and then down at the floor. With my restored love I was able to tell her how beautiful she was inside and out. She calmed down, lifted her eyes and was able to talk for a while from her heart too. She took my phone number down. The rest will be up to HP... but this day was already another small miracle in many ways.
I got to tell her about why I was through the check out again, though I had a cart full of purchased stuff - because being transparent and honest and vulnerable with faith that I am loved through all of it - and the only way to the other side of my defects is through them... restores me and heals me so I can help others.
Best of all, I have you to tell about it. Thanks for listening.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Life on HP's terms...It works sometimes a bit different than how we first thought. I love the picture of this Tasha...I love to look over HP's shoulder and watch HP work. Wowzers!!. Last night after the games were done and the wrap up were being smoozed with the watching public an ad for a "fine Philsner" flashed across the screen...micro-second...not much more and I heard my mind say..."I really want one" and then in the next micro-second reality said..."I only have one day...one mirco-second...and I didn't drink that brand anyway...stranged picture...cunning, powerful and baffling". This for me is the lesson of the three seconds that exists between what triggers me and how I respond to it and someone in my home group said that "it is in that 3seconds of time that God lives". Wowzers!! (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 30th of December 2013 06:30:30 PM
Well I am just in awe of you jad. Your posting may help someone else who goes through a similar experience and thank you for sharing. We are all human and there are many ways we take something we shouldn't in everyday life. Someone close to me told me a few years ago that the butcher undercharged her for meat he got ready for her. I asked if she let him know about it. She replied that as high as meat is and how much business she gives him, why on earth would she do that? And I use someone else as an example and I know there are plenty of times when I have done similar (or maybe worse) things throughout my life, but how convenient of me not to think of a one right now? I'm sure when I move up through the steps, my memory will be jogged.
Isn't it odd how compartmentalized we are in a couple dozen different roles and participants to everyday rituals in life, like the human experience of shopping. Getting sober and growing requires us to stay sober long enough (many years) to navigate through all of these situation (which used to baffle us) and turn disfunctional behavior around, walking through fear towards faith. Great story! Glad you made it through that one.
