I'll never forget the time I got pulled over for speeding on 'the drag' near my town. I was going about 40 in a 25 - maybe 50. The cop was young and cute, and I was younger and cuter lol. Back then I wasn't too big on honesty or anything like that at all. I lied and told him I was hurrying to get to the bathroom since I had my period. Heard it on a movie or something. lol It was either that or say there were bee's in the car... saw that on a movie too. Sad I had these excuses all ready to go for bad behavior I knew was coming but anyway...
I had been drinking - and I also had a bunch of opened mickey's bottles clanking around under the seat. I quickly shoved them far under my seat and hoped for the best. I remembered also that I had some beer in the back seat unopened... also illegal... oh and of course I wasn't old enough to even have it in my possession.
So what did I do? I of course... lied... smarted off... all the usual things that I thought my privileged hot ass self could do, and usually did, get away with merely with a bat of the eyes. (powerless over those looks by the way too... they are long gone lol... but I still respect and honor the body God gave me - another story sorry)
So hottie cop guy made the choice that day to smile and not buy into it. He calmly gave me a ticket. He was very kind and professional, and no matter what I did to banter with or butter him up - I was powerless over him. He had it all together. He wasn't going to take on any of my stuff... or play any of my games. He was responsible for himself and himself only, he didn't have to get pissy because I was being an idiot, and he didn't have to get meaner as I tried to manipulate him. He was not phased at all by any of it. Because of that - he made a damn good cop. I remember how shocked I was - and in a way how it struck me and intrigued me in an inspiring way... but of course... my head was way too far up my hot ass to ever put much thought into it until recently when I was back in my home town and thought of him. I wondered if he was possibly in the program. He was just so solid and sure of himself. So true - so.... NEVER going to take on other people's problems and emotions and all that. It was probably nothing more than boring and a tad comical to him really... I can identify lately.
So anyway - this cop guy was just someone I was drawn to - who I would just want to get to know better because you know they're going to bring out the best in the world around them. Supportive of people and peace in a really calm and cool way. I already knew back then that he was WAY too good for me deep down. Such a big ego I had!!! LOL He was the sort of the type I look for in AA now. Those people that just really are the essence of what attraction rather than promotion stands for. Quiet, behind the scenes, doing the service work no one else would do - scrubbing toilets, cleaning up the trash under the meeting table after everyone leaves, paying the dues to keep the doors open... the type of stuff you can get absolutely no validation for, but it means so much to that guy who stumbles in on his first day and has a warm clean place to sit -(and potty)- and when you go to shake his hand, he has no idea how much you've done to keep the door open for him, but you don't feel the need to tell him in any way - or to any one else either. He might not know you put extra chocolate chips in the cookies for Christmas tonight, or that you baked them while your daughter was telling you about her abuser in a sort of crying voice begging to go see him. He doesn't have to hear about any of that... he can just feel that you know there isn't a thing that a drink could ever make better... and you don't have to tell him any of that... you get to be alive, and there, and smile and sit next to him and just ask him his name... let him know you're glad he's here.
All the back and forth on powerless on the board is so in my face on how truly powerless we are. I can do and say whatever I want, I can offer all the money, promise this or that... but ultimately - that other person is going to make their choice and I'm powerless over it. That man eating the cookie might stuff his pockets and leave. I have a choice in how I want to think about it. I chose to believe he needs them the most if that is how it played out. I seek God's will for my life - and it always comes back with love. Where they are on the journey of life will dictate that choice... everything I 'think' I can do right now is nothing compared to the lifetime of experiences and memories that make them who they are. What they decide to do is on them... I'm not all that important really. I reach out a helping hand, I do lots of service and work with others in treatment centers and in the rooms... but ultimately, I know I'm such a small part of the whole in the grand scheme of things. And that's okay. I don't need to be more than what I am. I'm good with just doing the steps for me so I can do them with others - and the things I believe are a reflection of God as I understand him in all my affairs... and I have nothing to prove to anyone but Him... I am His work and I do try my hardest to take good care of it and all of His handy work here on this Earth. I only feel like I have to mess with it when my Ego gets me thinking I'm God again. Today after my home group meeting and lunch with a sponsee/trusted friend - I took a lady from Russia to a Christmas concert. It was the first time she ever heard songs like silent night - o holy night - and others. She cried. I cried. I am not God.
So anyway - that night, I looked at that ticket in horror and also back at him with a whole lot of respect for knowing just who he was and what he stood for. Today I get to be an example of that in real life to others - and that's pretty awesome in my book. I like the idea that I get to stand next to people in AA and outside of AA - a solid team mate, ready to be okay with me, and you, and not let me get messy when you do, because how can I be anything if I do not give up all power to God?
Cop guy told me to clean up those bottles under my seat (I thought he didn't see or notice) and told me he'd be keeping an eye on me. I was so arrogant that again, I somehow took this as a come on or a compliment - but all he meant by it was that I better watch it because he wasn't going to be at all lenient again.
I made the choice to take him seriously - and I'm guessing he knew as he calmly walked away, that this was all he could hope for. He knew he put down the boundaries = but he couldn't control me. He was powerless ultimately as to how bad I was going to screw up my life... however he could show me an example of something different. He couldn't force it on me though no matter how bad he threatened to beat me or throw me in jail - I still had to make the choice to stop screwing up my life.
Other times I would have completely ignored a cop and went on my way to never think again about it and do whatever I want thinking I was invincible. But for some reason because of this guys demeanor - I was inspired. Now does that mean he had power over me? No - I don't equate inspiring with power. Power isn't in my spiritual tool kit. I like to say the serenity prayer when I think I'm powerful again. It reminds me that I can always ask God to help me recognize the things I can change: Me - and my attitude around things. Period.
I try my best to start with a fresh slate for you and me each day. We are all growing on this path of life... but sometimes I think back... and some people are just so inspiring they are unforgettable. I do not wish to shut the door on it - but also, I do not plan to stay in this thought or visit back to this thread. The big book teaches well. I know who I am and what I stand for today because of it. I know who my HP is and what that relationship means to me. I don't need the validation of checking back to see the replies, much like that cop never needed to check up on my reactions. I looked back - but he walked away with a proud swagger - not arrogant... a humility. Today I get to be good with who I am all the way through. What you think of me is still none of my business - and the more I make it my business... the less useful I become to HP. So thanks ever so much if you've come this far in this reading! You did this! You made this choice! You came here today for recovery, and you are responsible for it! This way of walking in recovery doesn't have to be yours - but it's my experience and what works to keep my desire to drink gone and removed as if it never existed. I am not cocky - I am not afraid - the problem is just gone if I continue to do these things each 24 hours. God has the power to remove the bondage of self - I have to let Him.
I thank you all for listening. May peace be with you this Holiday season.
God bless you,
Natasha
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Great share Tasha, ... loved going back in time with you ... and it proves to me just how much alike us alcoholics are ... so many very similar traits and attitudes before getting sober ... and I really like the way you shared how it is today that you maintain your sobriety ... again excellent share, thanks ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The cop showed power in his life. He showed self control and restraint. Power over himself. You showed the typical alcoholic lack of power in that episode. That lack of power I can quite relate too. Had a few run ins with the cops quite like that.
Again, this powerless thing is a matter of perspective in my opinion. As an alcoholic we were powerless. That was our dilemma.
As a person in recovery, it is almost hard to recognize your HP showing their power in your life.
What a great positive change. It was powerful!
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Mahalo Tasha...Loved the share and lol "cops" was a part of the dialogue I had this afternoon with a friend/fellow as we pulled out the maps of our lives as it use to be. Power and control and manipulation were huge needs for me also before I got here. My ego demanded so much more than what I thought life was giving to me and so I went about attempting to extract what I thought I wanted and needed from whom ever I thought was withholding it from me. I stopped at nothing and bowed to no one until I accepted a Power Greater than myself and allowed my Higher Power to lay the plan for my life randomly. Since then the journey has been beyond remarkable and often belief. I like it that way...I cannot do my recovery as best without Higher and more powerful management. "Smarting off to the cops" lol...it was much more a power struggle and I often, very often got the best of it, I thought. Could I have been wrong? very often. ((((hugs))))
Hi Tasha, loved your story. Hey, I finally saw that you sent me private messaging. I tried to respond but I'm not sure if I did it right. New to this....can you help?? If you didn't get my response, I didn't want you to think I'm ignoring you. I'd never do that. Blessings and Merry Christmas, Mike D.
but anyway...