So I have a lot of women's phone numbers. I'd like to make friends. I just can't seem to call people. What do I say? I'm not gonna drink. I have a shrink for my problems. I don't need extra help right now but I am kinda isolating. I stopped going to the bars for obvious reasons. I stopped going to my coffee shop as it's stoners paradise and I drank with half of them. None of them are real friends anyway just company.
How did you guys reach out or make friends. No relationship for the first year and I get it, don't want that. I do want people to hang out with. The Alano club here has one or two ancient men who chain smoke I can hang out with. I don't know.... New life at 36 single woman with no hobbies as of yet. How do I call? What do I say?
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
I was told to call people who had given me their numbers at the meetings and tell them thanks for giving me their number, and ask how their day was going. I could also ask them some AA related stuff, like if they had suggestions for other meetings that they really liked, or if there was something said in a meeting that I didn't understand I could ask about that, etc. It didn't have to just be me talking about me. And it didn't have to be a big long conversation, just a minute or two would be fine. All of that helped a lot. And I found that people generally really seemed to enjoy getting called by someone they had given their number to.
Ahh...The old 2000 lb phone....So much easier to pick up when we're drinking. I don't think anyone likes doing this...I also don't think you are alone on this one. Just be honest...If you remember who the number is from...And if they shared something at the meeting when they gave you the number....Tell them what you thought of it. If you just have a list of names with no faces to put to them...Tell them what meeting you got the list at. That you are new to this....And it's not easy for you picking up a phone and asking for help. Tell them what step you are working on...Ask a question about their experience with it....You'll be pleasantly surprised at how much people appreciate when you call...It helps them too...conversation usually comes pretty naturally...Don't be offended if it doesn't...You never know what's going on in someone's life when you call them...So don't take anything personally.
It's pretty amazing...We pass a meeting schedule around for newcomers to get numbers...Men's numbers for men and so on...I've probably put my number down on a hundred of those things....I could count on one hand how many people have called me. It gives you a good idea what length people are willing to go to....And getting out of your comfort zone is a big part of this.....Somehow doing things we aren't crazy about doing really helps. You have a lot of numbers....Make a list...Try calling two a day....That's two that answer....Not two that you get voicemail and then hang up....Write a little note next to their name on the list on how you felt it went.
I've made a lot of friends in AA...Real good friends....It didn't happen overnight...Like everything else in this program you have to earn it. The way it happened for me was finding a homegroup...A meeting I liked that I knew I could attend everyday...And then attending that meeting everyday...They say 90 days...I did it for a year....I really wanted to get this thing. Show up 15 minutes early and stay 15 minutes when it's over...Help set up or clean up after....Just talk with people. People open up to you more when they see you honestly want to make the effort....To be honest with you...A lot of people come into AA and just don't make the effort....You'll see that for yourself. I can't remember if you said you had a sponsor or not...That's another good gateway to meeting people....Just keep coming back Liz....Keep working the steps....And keep asking questions.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Friday 20th of December 2013 04:08:36 AM
Oh that is a old one. I remember my fist call to a friend from a meeting.
I called a guy I had chatted with post meeting a few times. Said hey I'm joe fom the aa meeting, I'm a crazy drunk and want to talk with someone who can relate, and laughed. He started laughing!
And it was easy after that.
Find a way to laugh with your friends. It makes the heaviness of recovery seem less of a burden. In time, those recovery people may become great friends. You may not think of it now, but someday in the future you may talk to their child or best friend and share the AA program.
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I came into AA at 36 years old. I could have written that share basically. Getting people's phone numbers and asking for them was a new skill in and of itself. I had never asked for anyone's phone number unless I wanted to date them or hook up with them. I didn't have that networking skill. Within about 2 months of starting in AA, I had a decent group of other newcomers (people all under 3 years sober) that we all hung around together and some of us (those still sober) are still good friends.
It unfolded. I just had to keep showing up and yeah, I did lift up the phone and called some of those numbers. More so, I talked to the people after the meetings and then didn't feel as awkward calling them. A few times, I did call people that I'd only met once that gave me their number or that I obtained.
What do you say? "I am new in AA. I don't know how to do this thing. I feel awkward. I am isolating. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to connect to others in the rooms or what I'm supposed to do to enjoy life as a sober person." All of those are things we can connect with. We all have been through this. I had a shrink for my problems too but that did NOTHING for my alcoholism. I needed AA, the steps, the literature and all the people in AA. I drank myself out of coping skills, social skills, and networking skills. No shrink could give me those back. I had to practice them in AA.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I still have an issue with this one ("2000 lb phone"...love that one, stepchild!) and even having trouble reading these "tips" others posted. I even have trouble calling for doctor appointments. Feel like I am imposing on people. I think it is great you are posting for help on this....I don't think I ever did.
They talk in the book about how almost none of us like to do any of this AA stuff....None that I've met enjoyed it.
There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.
BB pg 25
Even though they are talking about the steps....The leveling of our pride applies just as much to walking into a meeting for the first time or picking up a phone and calling a stranger to ask for help....It's just something we self centered alkies aren't used to doing.
Thanks, stepchild.... I have heard that we alcoholics have to step out of that "comfort zone" and do things which although we don't particularly want or enjoy doing, will be good for us in our sobriety. I am the biggest procrastinator and I am trying to force myself to do certain things which I put off for days, weeks, even years.
Thought you could use a chuckle...That was one of the charctor defects I had to ask God to remove in step 7....You'll get there BTY...I still have to work on that one when it crops up too.
Just to throw in a different perspective, AA really works when we try to give, not to get. The phone idea sounds good as a means of staying away from the first drink until we learn about the strange mental blank spot , where we will not even think to phone someone - no defence, beyond human aid, the memory of the humiliation of even a week or month ago......It's still a good habit to get into, but for different reasons.
Consider calling another member an act of giving. We all rely on helping others to keep us sober, so calling gives someone and opportunity to be helpful and that helps their sobriety. I am always grateful when someone calls. When I call someone it is also an opportunity to be helpful. Perhaps I can say something that will brighten their day. Just being interested in how they are doing is appreciated. And if you give them the opportunity to share a little of their experience on something that is troubling you, you will add so much to their day. This whole deal changes the way we feel about ourselves. That feeling of uselessness slips away. The sober life starts to feel really good.
I too was afraid of the phone. Like has already been said, I called people to ask if they wanted to grab a coffee or I asked advice on meetings or finding a sponsor. When I hooked up with my sponsor she had me phone her every day. I hated it at first and now I sometimes kind of miss the nightly check-ins! It gets better, in other words.
