I have always been very insecure....about my intelligence...well, more about my lack of intelligence, my personality and not having enough friends throughout my life, my not being very successful as far as making very much money as well as so many other things. One of the biggest things I have been insecure about is my looks. Not sure why I have been this way all of my life. I was teased by my older sister and she even called me names like "scag" (one of those slang words that was used in the 70's to describe girls who weren't all that attractive.) My sister was very beautiful, with long straight blond hair, nice facial features and beautiful clear skin and a nice figure. She looked like a model in one of those teen magazines I used to read. I had hair which frizzed if the weatherman just forecasted rain. And it would frizz so much, it stuck out all over and I looked like I was wearing this great big blond bush on my head. My skin broke out all the time and I was called "Minnesota Flats" because of my flat chest and my butt was flatter than my chest, and we didn't even live anywhere near Minnesota. My sister dated a lot in high school. I got my share of dates who a lot of times were boys who had a crush on my sister who she had no interest in, and they dated me to get close to her. I was compared to my sister a lot, not only by them, but my teachers as well. ("Why can't you look"...."be like"..."make good grades""" ....like my sister). I used to try and do my makeup and hair like her and dress like her, to no avail. I still looked like plain ole me. So I made jokes and learned to make people laugh.
I cannot say that in the past few decades that I have been compared to my sister. But I have felt compared to other woman. Most men I have dated, and the one I was married to for over 20 years I have let them affect the way I feel about myself. Whenever they would stare at other women, I would want to cry. I don't mean just looking--but the ogling, staring to the point where I feel as if they are not wanting to be with me but with whoever they are staring at. I was even told "I can't help it, whenever I see an attractive woman I want to make love to her." This really hurt me, and instead of having the courage to leave this relationship, I stayed in it, trying to do my hair and makeup differently, exercise, and even wear sexier clothes--just like I did when I was trying to look like my sister. This was a big "ha ha" as I realized that instead of trying to compete with women my own age or thereabouts, I was trying to compete with 20-30 year olds when I was in my 40's and early 50's. How pathetic of me and there is no way I can do that! I have gotton to the point where I believe I will never be attractive enough to keep any man or will always be with ones who are just with me because they are comfortable and haven't found anyone else. I feel I really would just like to live the rest of my life without getting into any serious relationships with anyone for fear of getting hurt.
Now, does all that really matter and why am I even posting this????? Well, I am getting around to it and forgive my rambling. I still beat myself up over my looks as if they are who I am. I look in the mirror and can see fine lines in my face which weren't there a year or two ago. Some of it is due to my age. Some of it is due to my abusing my body with the drinking, smoking, poor eating habits and stress. I have found myself thinking that one day my face is going to look like a road map and I am going to be too embarrassed to go anywhere in public and be around people. I never thought of myself as being that vain a person, well, that disproves that theory of mine about myself. I have decided that I need to believe that I am not my lines, nor are my lines or any other part of my outward appearance who I really and truly am as a human being. What is more important is that I work on making myself as inwardly attractive as possible. I feel like AA is going to be good for me in helping me do that. I have been so busy over the last several decades of my life picking myself apart physically and comparing myself to other women and trying to be attractive to make other people like me. I haven't taken inventory of who I am as a person but rather what I look like, which really is being extremely self-absorbed and very insignificant to be successful in this program and staying sober from what I have learned on this board and in the meetings. I have let my sister, media, boyfriends, a husband, another boyfriend make me feel like I don't measure up in their eyes. I am not saying they intentionally did this--I perceived it and did it to myself.
I need to do what justadrunk suggested to me and realize that how I feel about myself (which has been the pits for so many years) and how my HP feel about me are all that matter. Then after I have gotton the other cra* out of my head about my self worth and value, hopefully, just maybe I can help others with their sobriety, and it can't be done with makeup or a hairdo.
Anyway, sorry for the long-windedness. Just this has really been bugging me. Getting tired of myself and the way I have been for years and years. If I could have left myself and all this internal garbage in my head, I would have long ago. Sorry to unload some of it on you poor guys. I apologize in advance.
((((MIP))))))
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 15th of December 2013 12:00:08 PM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 15th of December 2013 12:05:26 PM
Hi Betterthanyesterday, You don't know the true value of yourself. I want you to know that it is always a mistake to ever place a value on yourself....you'd only sell yourself way too cheap. Only God knows the value of a human soul. To Him, you're priceless. Blessings, Mike D.
BTY, beauty comes from the heart, not physical appearance ... I worked as maintenance chief in a Nursing Home for years ... I met and fell in love with a number of the residents there ... I mean there were a few that I fell head over heels in love with ... their looks ??? not much if all you see is the wrinkles on eighty and ninety year olds ... but the absolute beauty they had came from their hearts, their attitudes and humor were far beyond any wisdom I might of had ... one ole gal was my girlfriend ... everytime I saw her I'd say 'Hey girlfriend', how you do'n?' ... at eighty-five, she'd blush bright red in front of the others ... and the nursing staff loved the bond we had, they commented on it all the time ...
SO ... out there somewhere is someone for you too ... just say'n, ... keep your eyes open for the right person to happen along ... it will happen IF it is part of God's will for you ... just be ready with an attitude that you ARE priceless to God, as Mike D said, and perhaps someone else too ...
Phil, ... LMAO man ... you got the 'insight' go'n here man ... or rather, you're powers of observation, LOL ... I was rolling on the floor with your comments ...
"My tummys getting bigger....Everything else is getting smaller....
Im still looking for brain cells...."
Funny how the hairs in your nose and ears and eye-brows start growing faster than you can clip, tweeze, or shave them, LOL ... in addition to the bigger belly syndrome and the other things that get 'smaller' ... I don't have to name them, you obviously know, LMAO at myself ... ... ... and as for the brain cells ??? ... I have two brains cells left, I lost one yesterday and today, the other one ran off to go look for the other one !!! ... ... ... oh woe is me ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 15th of December 2013 01:54:22 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Great post. This is all part of getting comfortable in your sober skin. I have some issues as I have shown here the past few days but I am a sensitive and caring person and I'm far healthier than I was when drinking and also better looking from the inside out. The same is true for you. I guarantee.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Of course I have no idea what you look like and my opinion about that would be completely irrelevant anyway, but I did want to comment on what you said in the very first sentence of your post at the top of the thread. It really caught my attention. I was very surprised to read that you don't have a good opinion about your intelligence or your personality. THOSE things are readily apparent to us through your words, and I find your comments to be consistently smart, insightful, and a genuine pleasure. As we say out here in San Francisco, 'giiirrrl, you're FABulous!'
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Sunday 15th of December 2013 06:01:18 PM
xxxoxoxoxo My very best friend in college was kind of ugly, but as I grew to love her more and more she some how got beautiful to me to look at her... even though she looked the same. Her smile and the way her eyes lit up when she laughed... it was amazing.
You are lovable BTY - you have many assets and you will learn to nurture them and grow them up here in AA with step work and living the principles. Soon you will appreciate who you are as much as your HP already does. Others will see the light in you that is already beginning to shine... brighter and brighter... and it will be and IS beautiful.
I can see how beautiful you are and I can't even see you.
*****
BTY - what could your sister say to you to make you feel better?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I think you're beautiful BTY....I also think you are just like me when I started this journey...And probably every other alcoholic that's gone down this road. You are riddled with fear....Fear your not good enough...Fear you're not pretty enough....Fear nobody will like you sober...Fear you won't do these steps right....A hundred forms of fear. Self-centered fear....That's something I had never heard of...How do I know that? Because the book told me...Read this carefully...
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
BB pg 62
And not only the book told me.....That was me....Self delusion and self pity....What a combination.
You know one of my favorite sets of promises come right after our fifth step...When we sit down with our sponsor or whoever...You can do it with a priest if you want...And we share our 4th step...Identify our charactor defects...These guys...The ones we ask our Higher Power to remove in step 7.
Notice the order they are in....Resentment....Number one. Fear number two. Do you think maybe you have a resentment with your sister?...Maybe a good one to start your fourth step with. I started mine by writing down the names of my whole family....And went from there. The reason I'm sharing this is because I want to see you receive these promises...
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
BB pg 75
Our fears fall from us...That is a beautiful thing....The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared isn't bad either..I want to see you being able to look the world in the eye...For who you are....And these things happen....But we had to do it...And we had to have God's help. God's Grace. Carry on BTY...You're beautiful.
Aloha Better...what a great post and its exciting that you're moving toward the self knowing. My HP went face to face with me on the subject of learning about the one person I had lived my entire life with and never knew anything about. I had developed a dual personality infact out of a perceived need for a stronger, more outstanding (not upstanding) image and the wreckage which "he" caused in my life and the lives of others was extreem. My HP got me alone one afternoon where there were no distractions and asked me plainly..."Who are you"? Are you Jerry with a "G" (dual) or Jerry with a "J" (given nickanme) and I got from that question that I was being told I could be the real me the Jerry With a "J" and I was elated and started laughing out loud on the way to my office and then I broke down crying because I didn't know anything about him. HP wants you to know who you really are (in my opinion) because that is the real person HP can and will work with. Find yourself. Anyway I can help?...just nudge me. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I'm wondering if maybe there is no answer because really - no one can make you feel anything unless you let them?
Maybe - just maybe - how you feel about yourself and your relationship with HP will truly be all that matters, and then, when people love you too - it's just the cherry on top the cake?
My sister came to me with her feelings almost exactly EXACTLY like yours. And she was actually brave enough to talk to me about it!
But SHE was working on changing it. No matter how many times I gushed over her - tried to tell her all the good things about her - tried to help her find her likes and her talents and told her everything that was beautiful about her... until she believed it for herself, it didn't matter who said it.
I felt just the same as her when I got here... and you...
I never called my sister a scag or any names, but I didn't have to - she was doing all that for herself and all the comparing. I felt 'survivors guilt' of sorts - right along with her. Every time I won something, or accomplished something, or got told I was beautiful right in front of her and she wasn't told - I felt the pang for her. We were both very very codependent of each other - always concerned more for the other than ourselves. Most likely, your sister felt this too. There are many ways to 'make' those feelings go away... lots of learned unhealthy self talk etc... pretty soon someone has an eating disorder, or a drinking problem, or is cutting or sleeping around...
She joined studied like crazy to get straight A's - and then joined the military so someone else could tell her what she was... a codependency of sorts.
I drank and found other people to be codependent with.
Our whole family was riddled with codependency - my mother and father were the teachers, and their parents taught them... and so on as it goes on and on in family history I'm sure with people I've never met.
Once you get your sobriety deep into your bones, and you get your step work done and have the desire to drink removed... you might want to pick up some melody beattie books - and 'healing the family' by john bradshaw.
Dean here on the board told me about this stuff around the time sober you are - and it changed my life. But I had done the steps by 6 months sober... (not better than you just a different path wink wink).
Since I associated coda with my romantic relationships - it took me some time to realize that it was ALL my relationships and especially my siblings and family.
What I learned and am still learning is that it's okay to love people, but we aren't responsible for their feelings - just like they aren't for ours. We have to own our stuff, and give them the dignity to own theirs. When we take on other people's stuff, we are taking from our selves, and that's not what HP wants for us.
For a while I thought that meant I couldn't do things for people to try and 'make' them happy - and while it's true to some degree, I can't truly 'make' them anything... I can still do loving things for people, help people, be of service etc - because living a life of love and peace looks like that. It's just... I have to do these things with the intention that it's right by God, and also leave the results to him - not make it about me. I don't need to do these things 'for me' to feel better about me, I feel good because I live as a reflection of my HP the best I know how. So really, when I'm at work doing these above mentioned things, it isn't about filling a void in me anymore - or making them anything anymore... it's just about being in love with myself and my HP and letting Him also be in love with me. I hope that makes sense.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Calling someone beautiful or ugly is the same thing to me now because it's just a description like blue or white. It means absolutely nothing about what the thing actually is... but it can't be taken that way in our world. People put a lot of value into it.
If I call myself ugly, I'm not putting me down anymore at all. I have an ugly stomach. Oh well, that's what it is. I also have short hair. It's not a put down - it just is what it is - and it does not define who I am inside - which is what I put value in.
If I called my personality ugly, that would be something I would look at.
(((BTY))))
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
- shrug BTY - it's not really insight exactly. I learn everything from someone else who learned it from someone... what I can claim is being willing and fearless...
The thing is - I got/get a lot of practice facing my fears because I letpeople walk me through them. Hp will provide if I seek - "I can't, God can, I think I'll let Him". So much of my trouble was just keeping my ego up front as a defense against protecting my fears: denial.
And... trying to get more beautiful or more noticed for outter appearance is just fear of rejection, or denial of the truth, which is that I'm actually no better or worse than anyone else: ego
So I look at the fear for what it is: Lack of faith - find a trusted friend to walk me through what faith in HP looks like when I'm fearful... remain teachable... and soon I see there are plenty of other options ;)
There are plenty of people right here on this very board who already love you exactly as you are. You just let God lead you to them. I found that we're all striving for that, we are just at different levels of acceptance for what is, and in different levels of denial about who we really are. Deep down tho - we all want the same thing - Love, peace and serenity for all. How afraid of finding that are you going to be today? What will it look like if you allow yourself to be released from the bondage of self?
I watch and have followed many here on this board (and also read them on other boards) Toad, Jerry and many others... you'll find your soul mates, and then you'll find you are your soul mate, and then you'll find everyone is your soul mate :)
Sometimes I spend days like today where we're snowed in and have another foot coming... just going back through the pages of hearts pouring out from the beginning... page 1 and read on...
Love you BTY - keep helping me please :)
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 16th of December 2013 01:17:21 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
