My area AA is having a New Year's Dance and I plan to help with that. Not sure if I will be able to go see my mom or not. She lives out of town (2+ hours away). Have to depend on a friend to give me a ride. My mom doesn't drive. I haven't seen her in several years (thanks, Ms. Wine and my open mouth willing to accept your offer to ruin my life). Hopefully, she will be moved into her new apartment before the end of the year. Right now I am on "hold" mode as she is staying with another relative and she said it would be better for her to be in her new place before I see her. I think she is embarrassed for me to come see her and be around other relatives because of my drinking past. My dad died of alcoholism and I picked up the "family drunk" role shortly after his passing.
My daughter still doesn't want to see me. Not sure if she ever will. She was supposed to get married this past October and she broke off her wedding plans. I know she is going through a rough time about that. I haven't seen my two siblings in years. I have one older sister and older brother. My sister has kids which are now in their teens. I haven't seen them since they were toddlers (thanks J. Beam). My brother has a teenage boy and he was crawling around on the floor before he could walk (ha! most kids do!) But Boy, could that boy crawl fast! And on a hardwood floor at that! My brother was a track "star" (that's what we called him in my high school) and I thought maybe his son may end up being one in his school as fast as he could crawl, he was bound to be faster at running. I wouldn't know about any of that, though, as I haven't seen any of them in years and am not even sure of his age... maybe he is 15? That's shameful for me not knowing his age, and if my mom told me I forgot. Just didn't care about much of any of that over last several years (Thanks Mr. Beer).
My ex's mother-in-law has been fighting for her life over the last several weeks. She is in her early 90's. My ex and I still communicate through email. They have called in hospice. I offered to him to go stay with her in the hospital to keep her company and/or to stay in her home (she is living with her daughter and her family), when she would be alone, as I have offered to do several times. None of them want anything to do with me. My husband forgave me for leaving, but none of us family ever did. I remember spending a lot of Christmas's with my mother and father-in-law. Lots of food with aromas of cookies and baked goods filling the air. She would always make everyone fudge. I remember getting upset because he had given my husband's sister a tin of fudge she made for us when we were unable to be there for one XMas. We never got the damn fudge. My sister-in-law and her husband and kid ate our fudge! Man, was I po'd because they had their own fudge my MIL made! I miss my mother-in-law....and it is not about the fudge...it is about the memories. Yes, it is about the fudge, too, because she made the best fudge I had ever tasted! I miss my ex, the greatest man, husband and provider. I remember so many happy holidays we spent with our child and baking cookies with her, opening presents, taking her to the local mall to sit on Santa's lap (wish I had some pictures of her on Santa, but left most of family pics when I made the choice I did to leave).
So my holiday will be another sad one, as it has been since 2008, when I left my family in June for my supposed "new and happier life"! I haven't had a Christmas tree since leaving, have a very short gift list and I used to love to shop for others, but don't have much of anyone to get presents for anymore. So I will probably get a few gifts for an angel tree, or homeless ones who are still addicted and have a lot less than me. I will be continuing to attend an AA meeting everyday and making holiday goodies for some of them, coming to this board everyday and being with my AA "family". I will look forward to helping set up the New Year's Eve party and especially celebrating the holidays sober --which is something that I cannot ever remember doing. A part of me is extremely sad because I allowed the alcohol to take me away from my family. Only thing is it didn't take away all the memories and although sometimes they bring me happiness to think about them, sometimes they torment me because they remind me of what I used to have but no longer have. But what I do have now, is sobriety and the opportunity to have met some of the most wonderful people I have ever met in AA meetings and on this board. And for those two things, I am so very grateful.
As Pappy says, Bless You & Love You Guys! (or he says something like that, but you all get it :) and want to thank you for filling that void in my life. Along with you all and my HP, I'll be ok :) :)
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 13th of December 2013 11:02:46 AM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 13th of December 2013 11:05:28 AM
You are in my thoughts BTY. I always have enjoyed reading your posts, though this saddened me. You seem like you have really changed your life around and are heading in the right direction. I am sure if my drinking continued as it was, I would have lost those closest to me as well. I am very grateful that I have not, and reading your post gives me all that more determination to keep on the path I am on.
From what I have heard from others at meetings who have lost family due to our disease, it does take time for their wounds to heal. The most important thing is that you remain sober and continue to work your steps. Keep your side of the street clean and GOD will take care of the rest. I'll keep you in my prayers and I wish you the very best. Merry Christmas and keep your head up, you are doing great things now, and things will only continue to get better as time passes.
Thanks so much d_willing! I am so glad that you still have your loved ones in your life. I never realized how much I had until I lost it all. Family is good. Drinking to the degree I was doing was just bad. I am so glad that you are still on this board and I enjoy your posts as well. Your posting your reply really meant a lot to me and gives me encouragement to keep on going. Merry Christmas to you as well!
BTY yes I'm in a similar boat. I haven't hadcontact with my daughter for six odd years when she told me exactly where to sshove my amends....at least she clearly told me by voice that my ongoing amends to her is stay the f out of her life.
My son I haven't heard his voice for nearly eight years. He wrote me an e mail telling me to stay away.
My ex wife ....we haven't spoken for two and a half yeaes. They're all getting on fine without me in tgeir lives.
My girlfriend of nearly two years we have agreed we've gone as far as we can at least we're still friends.
Memories are bastards at times. We choose to remember the good stuff and hide from the hurty things.
It's ok to glance back to the past but it's bad to turn round and stare.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hi BTY, ... thanks for sharing your pain with us ... we all are way too familiar with the evil that is this disease ... BUT, TODAY we have HOPE ... and that is enough ...
A wise teacher once said that the 3 greatest things in life are faith, hope, and love ... and the greatest of these is LOVE ... 'love' breaks down all barriers, love is patient, love is tolerant, true love is unconditional, etc. ... ... ... so with love in our hearts, we accept what is and strive to maintain our spiritual connection to the Man upstairs so as to remain spiritually concious on a daily basis ... without this, I tended to start recalling the past and have been known to return to the devastation that it carries ... so for today, I pray for guidance and live in the moment ... it;s all any of us have ... today, having worked the 12 steps, I chose not to live in the past, but sow the seeds of recovery where ever I can ... I just love to watch what grows from that ...
In time, I feel your desire to mend ways with your family will come ... I know it took about 2 years for my wife to begin to trust me again ... she knew first hand all the attempts I made to stay sober over the years, and didn't ... so... love will heal all wounds, but it ain't go'n to happen over night, nor in a few months ... do what you know to be right and it will come ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 13th of December 2013 08:30:13 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Bikerbill...I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that :(
At least my daughter sends me an email to say she is proud of me and to "keep it up" when I tell her my month progress in AA. that's all she writes, but it is something anyway. I hope your son and daughter will eventually "come around" since you are staying sober. And Pappy is right that it will take time and it didn't happen overnight.
Thanks for the "hugs" sober strummer....and if I have been any comfort at all to anyone else, I am happy for that. Seems like I do more whining than anything and you all have comforted me so much and given me more hope than I could ever have on my own and I don't feel nearly as lonely anymore. I haven't been able to develop any close friendships with any of the women in AA around here. Too scared of getting hurt so put up a protective guard most of the times. Try to smile and be friendly as much as possible. Seems like when I have started to develop a friendship with women, I scare them off. Several have been nice to me at one meeting and snub me at other meetings. Seems like when they are not in a group, and alone, they are nicer to me. Not sure what I am doing wrong. One told me she wanted to be "phone buddies" with me on a weekly basis and that since we both had a problem with calling people on the phone we could take turns calling each other. Well, since this sounded like a great idea to me, I took her up on it. She called first week and we had a short chat and I called the next week. She never returned call and when I saw her at a meeting a couple of weeks later, and asked her if she got my voice mail, she replied she did. I talked to her after the meeting and she acted completely different to me and said she was going to be busy and not have time to call. I have no idea what I did. This has not been the first time this has happened. I don't talk to anyone in the meetings about anyone else so she couldn't have heard I said anything about her, unless someone made something up. It had me very depressed for awhile. That's ok...my "wall" just went up higher....and I told myself just attend the meetings and stay sober and not worry about anything other than that. I still love everybody there in the rooms, even if some of them don't care about me. I share more here in the meetings, as I really say very little about myself while there. So really appreciate all of the support.
Chances are it's not you, it's their own stuff going on. Us alcoholics are not always the most reliable! The thing about Christmas and the holidays: it's just another day in the grand scheme of things. Another 24 hours. So try not to put too much pressure on yourself, or let it get the best of you. Try to focus on the small things - waking up hangover free! Having something delicious to eat. By being at meetings and helping out over the holidays you are making things a little less lonely for someone else. That's a gift.
Hi BTY, Thanks for sharing your feelings on your post. I know that there is plenty of hurt, loss, and pain inside you...as there is for many others out there who are also struggling with our disease. We've all felt it and lived it to whatever degree. It's just what alcohol or drugs does to human beings. I hope you won't mind too much if I make a suggestion: In your post, you've done a good job of "tallying up" all your losses. I was thinking that it might be a good idea to keep your post handy and reread it when staying sober feels impossible. It's a darned good long list of reasons for staying sober another day. Now, here's something else I'd like to share with you:
Working all of the 12 Steps (in order) can completely change everything you've written in your post.....yes...everything. Here's why. The 12 Steps will open you up to God, who changes lives. God can totally rewrite your story. Do the Steps and I promise you that you won't be sad and lonely next Christmas. Love and blessings, Mike D.
Hi to all: I hope that many of us can share Christmas with each other on the actual holiday on this board. But, I know that not everyone can do that. I always made it a point to leave our holiday gatherings for a hour or two to catch a meeting on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day. My family didn't mind at all. And, I would always find people at those meetings who had no family gatherings to go to. The meeting was their only family...and I was given the gift of being part of it. Being there with them always lifted my spirits a whole bunch, and I'd like to think that it lifted theirs as well. Blessings, Mike D.
Thank you to those who posted...and Mike D., will try your suggestions and you brought tears to my eyes when I read about sharing the holiday with other AA'ers because they don't have a family to be with. (Still hoping that by workings the steps that "no longer feeling self-pity part" will be taken care of). At a meeting last week the chair asked for a show of hands to see how many people wanted to still have the meeting on Christmas Day. Although the room was full of people (huge turnout that night), only seven raised their hand and I was one of them. Then he asked for a show of hands who didn't want a meeting on that day. Only two raised their hands. Not sure why the other 40 or 50 people in that room didn't raise their hand at all.
I went to a meeting on Thanksgiving Day, and am pretty sure I will be in town to go to both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day meetings as well as be on this board "lurking" around for other posters :)
Oh, and I was able to share at the Thanksgiving meeting I went to that although I couldn't be with my family on Thanksgiving due to my drinking, it was good to be at a meeting with my AA "family" :) :)
and rubytues....you're probably right that it isn't about me and those people have their own things going on...again..poor me! Wanta work these steps asap!!!
Not sure what's holding you back...Hope it's not your sponsor. Fearless and thorough from the very start worked for me....To tell you the truth....I was a little frightened they wouldn't work for me...Like I was different. Do what they did...You'll get what they got. As promised...Simple as that.
As far as Christmas meetings go...I've never heard of taking a vote on that....As a matter of fact...Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years we have an alcothon...Where we keep the club open 24 hours....Nobody ever has to be alone. I think about the hopeless suffering alcoholic going to his first meeting because he can't take it anymore...Only to find the place locked up....That's not right. You should have read them this BTY...
"I am responsible . . . When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible."
BTY....thanks for your words.
Acceptance is sometimes all we have
I accept my situation. I may not like it but I accept it. .... and get on with my life.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
and thank you for your words, Bikerbill. I love that word...."acceptance". And I may not like my situation, but will try and accept it and get on with my life, as you are doing. Your "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got" quote at the bottom of your postings fits in with this as well, I think.
