I hear this word used a lot since being a part of AA. I felt like I knew what it meant but looked it up online...
"the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with."
................................... I just posted that I am taking a break from a meeting place I have been attending because I have been feeling uncomfortable there. It is not because a guy comes to every meeting, never attends the actual meeting, eats a lot of my treats I prepared for the members, and asked me for money once (which I didn't have anything but $1 and that was going in the 7 Traditions basket. However, if I had it I would have probably given some to him as I feel so sorry for him.) I found out he is not homeless but he obviously is an addict of some kind from his appearance and behavior--not obnoxious, but I can tell. I was feeling some anger at him eating so many treats and not attending meetings. Then I told myself that I must exercise tolerance because at least while he was there, he wasn't using (hopefully) and maybe something someone said before or after the meetings would have a positive influence on him.
My choosing to attend other meetings isn't because there are a couple of men who hit on me and follow me around like puppy dogs and one insisted that he was going to walk me home after the meeting when I didn't show up with my usual driver, who was out of town. I told him that I was fine and didn't need him to do that. He kept insisting and I sat through the whole meeting scared to death that he would hurt me that night because he doesn't act "all there" and I feel like mentally something is wrong with him. After cleaning up after the meeting, a woman invited me to go out with her and a couple of other women in the group and I didn't have to worry about it after all. I realized that after this, it was my responsibility to line up a ride or call a cab for any meetings I attend so I don't put myself in this position. I also realized that I have to be tolerant of men who feel so needy and insecure with themselves that they have to search for newcomers in these meetings. That is their issue and I pray for them and the safety of other newcomers in the meetings. Most of these men who started 13th Stepping with me no longer attend the meetings I do. I am not sure if they went out or are looking for "greener AA grass"....
......The reason I am not going to this meeting is that things got really scarey for me because someone mentioned the name "Jesus" in the meeting which upset another member and he loudly voiced his displeasure. Then a little later in the meeting another man said that he has had homicidal thoughts and he doesn't mess with anyone and no body better mess with him and he was very loud. I found myself feeling very "unsafe" much like the night that man was insisting on walking me home. I had to attend the next couple of meetings because I committed to do the coffee for that long. Had I not done so, I wouldn't have gone back after that night.........This brings me back to "tolerance". I have been to quite a few meetings where there seems to be no tolerance for other members right to choose which Higher Power they want to believe in. I can go to meeting after meeting and hear people say they don't believe in God and no one will say a thing. I have no issue with anyone believing whatever they want to believe in. If they are staying sober I just think that is great and it is no business of mine who they believe in. I have been to meetings and the "G" word is dropped and sometimes one or more shares are confrontational reprimands for bringing up religion in the meeting. What started as a topic on one subject, turned into "setting someone straight". I get more annoyed at this than at one voicing who their HP is or that they don't have one at all. I find myself wanting to set those people straight. So I am trying to tell myself that as much as I would love others to be tolerant of others right to choose what they want to believe in, at the same time, I have to be tolerant of the ones who have the right to voice their opinions on this matter........or do I? Does this come under the "keeping my own side of the street clean?" and "minding my own business?" My biggest fear is that people will drive some people out of AA by these confrontations......(I am so sorry I didn't separate my thoughts. For some reason my keyboard is not letting me use my paragraph key. I have to be tolerant of that, as well, I guess.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 12th of December 2013 11:38:03 AM
One think I've learned about AA is meetings change BTY....Try another one for awhile. I've noticed when I go back after a little break...The people I like are still there...And for lack of a better word...The oddballs aren't. There's a new set. Some meetings are better than others no matter where you go...Take what you can...Ignore the rest...I'm not a woman BTY....And some of these charactors scare me. Always be sure you have transportation to and from....Even if you hate to ask for it....Do it. AA is not a museum of perfect people BTY....But I try not to let anybody dictate where I attend. If you're having problems with anyone...Report it...To a chairperson you respect...Or go to a business meeting and bring it up with the group. Meetings are a place you should feel safe...Not looking over your shoulder.
Many of those circumstances sound irritating at the least.
If possible I would hit a different meeting. We have a noon meeting. People from the halfway house catch a van there. Lots of people not working attend. Back in the day, not working was rare unless one was very bad off in some way. The noon meetings had a few mildly insane people that would ramble on the same phrases and it was not a great discussion meeting.
The 5:30 meeting was much different. Most of the folks coming home from work, ready to talk.
It seemed like two different AA groups.
On this thing of 13th stepping as some call it. Predatory behavior is one thing. Asking someone out is not. AA does not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex life. There is nothing about not dating. It can be, a big distraction. 13th step fanatics, attempting to attack anyone in AA dating in the first year are well intentioned but can go off the deep end. It is about taking advantage. It isn't about consenting adults seeing a movie.
What if someone outside of AA asked you out? I would guess the same decision making process would apply. Not a big deal.
I didn't date in the first year. I know some that did. The relationship with their HP seems to have had more importance on those that drank again than dating status.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Thanks all of you for your responses. Really appreciate them and it really does help me being able to come to this board, post my thoughts and/or ask for questions and I don't get embarrassed and fearful like I do at the meetings. Guess the internet verses the face-to-face is the difference. So much easier for me to "talk" this way (...and it has really gotton me in trouble when I'm drunk and let my fingers do the talking--well fingers and the booze, that is). Hopefully in time I will be able to open up more at meetings. I have shared a very few times, but only once I did it when I wasn't pressured to by another member in the room.
and justadrunk....you are an inspiration to me as well and I feel it is a blessing to get to know you and the others on this board. Right now I'm loving my life! (Wow! That sounded so strange coming out of me :)
