I've been thinking about it since it was posted, but for various reasons, it slammed into me again tonight as I was having a conversation with an aquaintance via facebook. On my "Friend" list there is a picture of a beautiful blond woman (girl in my eyes). And it struck me, hard, at how insidious, how sneaky, how creeping this Thief we call alcoholism is.
The beautiful blond girl that my friend and I were talking about was my daughter. He had no idea that she was mine. Or, had been mine. Her last name is different because I gave her up when she was four. My aunt adopted her before the police could take her away and lose her in the system.
Just four short years before, I remembered her Dad and I standing there at her crib, awed by this tiny perfection. We'd had two boys, and were thrilled with a daughter. Sweet, happy baby. Just four years earlier. I drank myself out of a husband, a home, my children. I was running with the armpit of humanity, dangerous and mean people, and because I could not stop drinking, I chose to give my children up. What kind of person chooses drugs and alcohol and criminals over their children? A sick person. Mentally, morally, stupendously sick, and at the time, as bankrupt a life as could be.
I wanted to throw up as I was telling this person of my little girls willfulness-- eating a leaf from a plant I had just told her to stay away from and she broke out in blisters. Throwing "peas" at me in bed, only to discover they were really ticks that had fallen off the dog. " Look Mommy, peas!". All the crazy stuff my beautiful little girl managed in her first four years with me. Then she was gone. I didn't see her for ten years, and then it was just a short visit.
In four years, my life was non existent of any form of normalcy. Happy, crazy hippy housewife to gutter in that much time. And remembering John and I standing there at that crib, I had no idea, none, what was coming up the road.
Thieves steal; they come in the dark, they do not knock on your door and warn you, they creep into your life and take away the things that are most precious to you. They leave you naked, broke and broken, and if given the chance they will steal your soul.
It's well over thirty years later. I am still looking at a picture of a beautiful blond girl that I don't know as well as I would like to. A girl who has had her real Mom stolen from her and has her own stuff to deal with because of it. Alcoholism isn't any more selective about what it steals than the thieves are. It isn't just the alcoholic that loses something. It is everybody whose life it touches that something is stolen from.
EO Destroyer is almost an understatement. I really needed to say this, as I felt my heart break all over again tonight with the memories that I often try to avoid.
Tonight I will thank God for another day. I will ask him to protect another daughter that I have who is in prison, a daughter born with FAS. Another silent thief. I will thank my HP for the three boys that are here and healthy. I will thank my HP for keeping them all safe. And I will thank my HP for these painful memories that remind me of just how quickly my whole life can disappear if I lose vigilance.
Alcoholism is a Thief of the lowest caste, and it doesn't care who or what it steals. Including little pieces of our hearts and the hearts of those we love.
Love to ya. It is mind boggling. What we did and who we were. And to think we gave everything of value in our life up in exchange.
Me too. Sadly, me too.
I visualize things, a way to remember things. I see my addiction as a cross. Yes, the crucifixion kind, the instrument of torturous death. Alcoholism wants that for me. Your post reminded me it wants that for you too.
When people we crucified it was a public spectacle of shame and horror. Stripped naked, beaten beyond recognition, then nailed up for all to watch gasp and die.
The difference with our disease? Only we can put ourselves on that cross. Your testimony reminds me that today alcoholism is patiently waiting, maybe attractively dressed as an innocent holiday party drink, just waiting to crucify me. I know the humiliation, pain, spiritual death. Came way too close to real death.
I'm sorry or your loss, you pain, the needle and the damage done as Neil would say. But it did some good today. You were a stark slap in the face, another wake up call.
XXOO
Peace
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
For what it is worth..... Since Nov. 3, a year ago I've had the same thoughts. That is when my exAH passed. The death certificate stated heart attack, however, it was alcohol that took him. He never 'got it'/would not accept all that alcohol was doing. It destroyed him, our marriage, and was taking it's toll on our daughter. (His death pushed her over the edge and all those into a reality check that she had a problem. Admittedly, it was there long before, it just wasn't quite that apparent until after her father passed.)
I've went several times to his grave. Tell him of our daughter's progress, about our kids and our grandchildren. At times I've wept bitterly, yet I know I did everything I knew to do in attempts to spare him. Knowing what I do now about the disease, I've been able to see my own errors. Though I loved him with all my heart, I had to let go and love him in a different way......regardless of how much it hurt. For both our sakes.
With my daughter this past year......I set boundaries right up front! Told her what I would do and wouldn't do for her and made it very clear I would not be an 'enabler'. Then I went silent to see if anything had reached her. Six mos. have gone since her last drink!!! She took the initiative and on her own enrolled in an Inpatient program. It was not easy in the beginning for her husband, brothers, or sons. Contrary to myself they assumed she would go in and come out 'cured'. Choosing words and keeping silent was very tricky for me talking to them; more so when I got the chance to see/talk to her. She continues now on her own by attending meetings. Her husband has went with her to the ones allowed outsiders, as well as her 6 yr. old. I'm not naive' about the costs of alcoholism, nor am I naive' to the fact at any given time she could possibly go back out. Am grateful for thus far.
You are correct, this disease effects everyone close to the diseased. In both these cases, yes admittedly it tore at my heart. At times when I know she's struggling there are tugs and wonder if down the road, I will have to face what I have with her father. That is when I immediately pray. Prayers for her, her family, and the strength to what I now know will help us both.
You were there in the beginning when I first came to this site. One of the many who helped me through. Continue to work your program, hand these times to your HP. (Make amends if need be.) Leave the past in the past. It cannot be changed.
Thank you so much for sharing Wren. I can identify - I was very close to what you describe, and I was wondering if I should share it this Friday night... and now I know. Thank you again :) xxxoxxoxoxxo Your children are lucky to have a mother like you.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks for being here, giving me a place to unburden my over thinking brain last night. Gosh, I can sure get a committee going in my head sometimes. I guess I'll never get lonely that way? LOL. But truly, I'm glad I had somewhere to unload what was running around in my brain. I came back to the forum just in time, it seems. My sponsor died years ago, and this one would have likely ended up a sleepless night had I not gotten it out of me and in print in front of me. It let me have a good cry to reread it, and then give to my HP, because I sure as hell wasn't dealing with it so good on my own. Thank you all for your sensitivity. Chris
Hi Wren, You probably haven't met me on this forum yet, since I'm usually not able to get online everyday. But I do post mostly on weekends. I live with my family in Iowa. Yes...I've read your posts and my heart goes out to you, along with my prayers. While I've experienced the pain and misery and loss of alcoholism myself, I've also seen it in my friends and sponsees lives as well. I'm absolutely elated that you've been sharing on this board, and that it helps ease the pain. This board is a good place to be...the people are good here...filled with love. Thanks for letting me meet you, and hope to hear more from you. Blessings, Mike D.
(((((Wren))))), Thank you for sharing your story...I have posted on here about choosing alcohol over my own family. My daughter still doesn't want to see me. (Not trying to take over your posting, just letting you know I have so much empathy for you). Alcohol is such an evil monster. When you were bringing up looking into the crib and seeing your baby and bringing up memories of her, and not being able to see down the road to what was going to happen, they sound like my memories and pain. Bless You and Your Family, Wren!
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 10:10:53 AM
