I never had all that many friends. The longer and more I drank, the less friends I had and the less I wanted. I was content with alcohol being my only friend. But the alcohol turned into my biggest enemy.....

At first I was scared to walk into an AA meeting. I had tried it a few times and I never made it past three weeks and I started drinking again. This last time, I was a bigger wreak than I had ever been..... I was ashamed and discouraged..... I looked a mess and I was worried about being judged..... I was depressed and miserable....  Drinking from early am til late at night. Passing out most nights without washing the makeup off my face or brushing my teeth. I would go a week or longer without a bathe and weeks without washing my hair.  Toxins poured out of me during the many night sweat episodes.  I didn't have the sense to think or really care about taking a shower the next morning and the affect it had on the few other people I had to be around. I just wanted my wine, my beers or whatever else was available as long as it had alcohol in it. I got to the point where I isolated myself most of the time, but did frequent the nearby ABC store, 7-11 and gas station which were all within walking distance. (I had to walk a lot of the times because I lost my license due to a DUI, and was making 2, 3 or more trips some days).  A lot of my meals consisted of alcohol. I went one or two days without eating sometimes--I didn't think I needed food. I had my alcohol. I wanted to die a drunk because living drunk all the time was not fun anymore and I didn't think I was capable of living sober...I didn't have much experience at that and I couldn't imagine ever going a day without alcohol. Over the course of a 5 year period of time "my friend, Alcohol" had ruined my marriage, caused me to lose one of my dearest friends and other family members. I have been arrested two times, and been in the hospital three times all because of alcohol. My own mother told me I was hopeless and no one could do anything for me.

Tomorrow I will be celebrating six months of sobriety. My life has changed so much over the last several months. I smile more, laugh more, am starting to feel more confident in myself and I have more faith in God than I have had in years. I am not nearly as sensitive about other peoples' remarks and I don't allow myself to get hurt feelings nearly as much. When things bother me I don't blame others as much as I used to. When I do find myself blaming another I quickly ask myself what I did that contributed to that situation and what do I need to do to resolve it and pray to my HP about it, apologize, and resolve it asap so it doesn't continue to worry me throughout the day. Oh, and I don't worry nearly as much as I used to. I am not as scared of people as I used to be. I am working on that, as still have quite a bit of it. I no longer hold my head down and look at the floor like I used to all the time--for years and years I did this. I am starting to make eye contact more. Still find myself uncomfortable when people look at me but I try to tell myself that just because someone is looking in my direction it doesn't mean that they hate me, are thinking bad about me. My paranoia is subsiding. I am working with a sponsor now. One I really connect with and who spends time reading the Big Book during our meetings, and taking the time to explain what has been read which really has helped me. I still have problems. I will always have problems. But I have learned that I don't drink because of them now. I don't have to numb myself with alcohol to avoid and forget them. That never worked and the problems never went away, only exacerbated. I try to face them and handle them. I pray to my HP about them and ask for His guidance. I also have started thanking Him for the many blessings in my life, and of course I give thanks to Him everyday for keeping me sober. Life is starting to get better and yes, each day I stay sober is better than yesterday, because it is giving me more courage, more strength to know that I can do this and at the same time realize I haven't done this alone. It is with the help of my HP, AA, and the wonderful people who are a part of this board. And I thank you for sharing your stories and giving me courage, strength and hope to continue to stay sober and live a happier more fulfilled life, one I can be proud of instead of ashamed of, and not want to die anymore. Thank you all for being my friend.

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