Someone brought up Jesus, another one got upset and "shared" (to put it mildly) of his displeasure. A couple of people in front of me kept talking during shares and it was very distracting. Still another one told me and another member to Get the He** out of his way in a loud voice when we were talking and cleaning up after the meeting. This particular meeting has had more of this kind of thing happen and quite frankly I am getting a little scared to attend them. More men have hit on me here than other meetings and a couple follow me around while I am getting ready for it. There is a man (possibly homeless) who comes there early for the coffee and treats and never attends the meetings. He has asked to borrow money from me and I honestly had no more than $1 in my handbag and that was for the AA basket. But I felt very guilty I didn't have more, and don't take more, because he is a very sad man--obviously an addict of some kind. Another member sternly reprimanded him for asking me and I felt bad about that.
Very sad because there are some people who I would miss very much if I don't go to this location. This meeting also has quite a few people with "slips" to sign, so they are being forced to attend by the state and not there because they want to be there. I don't know if this has anything to do with it or not, but last night, as with a few other nights, I was afraid things were going to get physical there and I even checked where my phone was in my purse in case I had to call the police. AA meetings should be safe places for us to go.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 25th of November 2013 09:44:11 AM
...Very sad because there are some people who I would miss very much if I don't go to this location.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 25th of November 2013 09:44:11 AM
If you do decide that this meeting really is not where you ought to be, one option would be to ask those people something like: "I'm thinking of trying out some new meetings. Can I ask you what other meetings you attend that you can recommend?" and then just go to those meetings. You don't even need to get into details about why you're not comfortable at this meeting.
And I forget - did you find a sponsor yet? This would be a good question to discuss with a sponsor.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Monday 25th of November 2013 11:42:00 AM
You should share that at the meeting. If the reaction is anything but "yeah we've been acting like jerks" then leave and never go back. That's not a good place to be. You have enough on your mind without having to worry about your safety at meetings.
I sorta agree with BF ... but when faced with that situation, I remember what my sponsor told me ... 'take what you need from the meeting and forget the rest' ... but if this is an on-going thing there, yes, by all means, go to meetings better suited to your 'peace and serenity' ... every AA group has a 'group mentality' ...(group conscious) ... and it can vary quite a bit from group to group as I have found ... go where you feel 'most at home' ... that why we suggest establishing a 'home group' to become a member of ...
Sharing that kind of thing in a meeting could stir up a hornets nest ... I'd try talking to senior members outside the meeting first ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I thought of sharing that from my viewpoint and not lecturing...."I take what I need and leave the rest"....after it started getting a little sticky...but I was too scared it would cause more problems, and it is hard for me to share also. I almost made this group my HG, as although there are quite a few people that attend these meetings, there are hardly any that have this as their HG and I felt that I was "needed" there. Not sure if that is the right reason or not, though. Thanks for your posts, BF and Pappy!
12 step meetings are not happening because everyone is super happy, healthy, well off and stable. I have been scared too. I go to alanon meetings and I sometimes feel so much more comfortable... for one thing it's usually all woman... but they are not there because of good health and happiness either, and the control and sickness is much more insidious and subtle... but OH so there. Plus, most of them aren't dying, so even less are actually living the principles of the program. They don't really have to - they can get away with being there for decades for the social aspect, the entertainment of the stories, the cookies... etc.
The only solution for me has been to 1. Keep coming here. 2. Get the phone numbers of the people I want to keep in contact with no matter what and then do it. 3. Go to meetings with the mindset of what I can give instead of what I can get. 4. Remember that the point of meetings is to offer hope to the newcomer or those who are still sick. So technically - the more sick people that are there, the more people you have the opportunity to be an example of hope and recovery for.
At this point in my recovery - I seek that out. I make sure I read my meditations - stay in step 11 - talk to those people often that are living it that I got the numbers from - and keep in close contact with my sponsor so she can tell me if hanging around sick people too much is getting me sick too. So far keeping a balance hasn't been all that hard. I make sure and hit up big book meetings and steps and traditions meetings periodically, and like you - consider myself of service where ever I go. Not there to be served with - as Mr. David puts it - a museum of perfect people all on display for me. You're right where you're supposed to be BTW - spread your wings and fly :)
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
That was awesome, justadrunk, and I will try and keep those things you suggested and what are working for you in mind. And "keeping a balance" was actually the topic last night. Very fitting.
Like Tasha said, AA meetings have quite a few folks who are not stable and may be sicker then you think. You shouldn't feel bad for not lending someone money. It's inappropriate anyways for someone to ask you that at a meeting, IMO. When I first came in, I didn't know any better and thought I had to be nice and do whatever people requested of me. I ended up picking up and moving stuff for a sponsor I once had, and then turning part of my backyard into a storage facility for all the crap she couldn't fit at her condo. I drove her around constantly because she didn't have a car available. Another member finally talked to me and said the sponsor was taking advantage of me, and we parted ways. And you'd be surprised at those people at the meetings who need court slips signed. I've seen one or two of them actually stick around!
oh, I can handle those old farts pretty well by now. Some are married and I feel sorry for their wives and their multiple ex's. I even had one come up to me and warn me about the others and tell me that the only reason any of the men are talking to me is so they can (bleep, bleep) me, while telling me how attractive I am. Then after a meeting he hugged me and kissed me--on the cheek. I know who I have to watch out for. If I wanted to be picked up, I'd be back in a bar. I think if there was a tree with a stump planted in the room, some of them would be humping it! I worry more about the young gals coming in. I can handle myself with men as far as that goes.
The thing is - woman are guilty of this too... just in different ways. We are all sick - and we are all in this together. All of us in all 12 step programs. Sometimes we forget, I especially see it in alanon, that we did not just POOF get unlucky and get sick from living with an alcoholic or here in AA just POOF become alcoholics because we were super happy and confident in life. Nope. This goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back before that. I hear it in alanon all the time that "the alcoholic made me sick". Um no sorry honey - you were with this person for a reason even before they happened to have the symptom of drinking and it was part of your life - and vice versa. We are with people as sick as us for a reason - which ever way you want to look at it. I could just as easily say the alanon made me drink! In fact I did! Dropping all that bull is necessary, and when we get to see that the reason we ended up the way we did was due to our upbringing and our environment and our own choices - that usually set the stage for us over the course of 100's of years... then we begin to heal and grow into responsible adults and stop blaming others for all our problems. If I have a problem with someone - I have a problem. It does not mean they are a problem... I am responsible for me. Sorry if that didn't make sense, I'm rambling now...
... keeping the kids home today ended up getting me bored out of my skull instead of them LOLOLOL - I am going to hit up a meeting or 2 tonight! What a treat to always have a place to go to break the isolation :)
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have found a few AA meetings that had less of the mandatory attendees. The ones where the bring people in that don't want to be there, I can tell. Cross talking, arguing, disturbances... But we have also had a couple guys go and sit by one of those and suggest they chill out. There have been screaming matches and actually a fight in the parking lot once. That is in 18 years...
All of that and worse happened in bars, and that never kept me out.
It is sad that those things happen in meetings. Some rail about people dating in meetings. The Big Book plainly states AA does to seek to be the arbiter of anyone's sex life. But there are those that complain AA meetings are not by the book, but want to add in their own personal favorite modifications.
I would suggest talking with your sponsor, finding more meetings that people you like go to, and keeping away from the crack heads and people asking for money.
This place is also an awesome addition to my support system!
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I really like your thought about being needed at that meeting. Shows real progress to me.
Page 102:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.'
I went to an AA meeting once and someone was drinking booze the whole time. They were so drunk by the end of the meeting that they passed out on the table just like how people used to pass out on the bar.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have smelled alcohol on a few people. That's one thing I never did when I was AA before. Whenever I would go out, I never came back to a meeting until two or more years later. When I went out I went out and stayed out until I knew I was serious about not drinking again.
Mike H. I have been wondering throughout the day if there was something I could have shared that maybe would have helped. I am concerned about the newcomers feeling uneasy to the extent that they don't want to come back to that particular meeting as well as any AA meetings. I don't think there is too much I could say to the ones who were very agitated as that may have worsened the situation. And I would share from my perspective and what is working for me rather than telling others what they need to do. I do want to feel safe, but like you pointed out, I have a strong desire to be where I can be of most use to other people. I will say this.....I rarely have seen women who have come to this place and pick up a white chip return. I hope that they are still in AA and attending other meetings. There are a lot more men here than women and there are a pile of those slips at most of these meetings (twice a week meetings) on the table to be signed. And I hope I don't sound horrible when I say this but some of those dudes sitting in there look pretty scarey.
I will talk to my sponsor after the holidays about this. I am going to pray to my HP (who is God) for guidance about this as well.
Just one example,I was at a Thursday night meeting which was preceded by a group conscience meeting.
One of the "hierarchy" of the group arrived half way through the conscience meeting and began talking loudly to a guest he had brought along with him.
He was clearly interrupting the business of the conscience meeting and was asked by a female member if he could tone it down a little.
The stand up A.A guy goes ballistic ,telling the female member in front of everyone to "never talk to him in this way again ", she had done nothing wrong, in fact he was the ignoramus in my view.
He sat there simmering for a while and kicked off again while the rest of the group just sat there and looked on , I asked him to calm down but to no avail.
He stormed out of the meeting like a spoiled child ,we were then treated to him going round and round the block in his car screeching his tyres so loudly that you couldn't hear yourself think let alone hear a share.
This guy is an obvious crack pot bully but is revered as a leader type by the group , no wonder it takes me all my time to attend. l.o.l
Anyway still sober and hoping to get a vehicle sorted so as I can attend another group.
A.A can be great of that there is no doubt but I have to be honest and say that some groups and their dynamics leave much to be desired.
Whenever I would go out I will say this.....I rarely have seen women who have come to this place and pick up a white chip return. I hope that they are still in AA and attending other meetings. There are a lot more men here than women and there are a pile of those slips at most of these meetings (twice a week meetings) on the table to be signed. And I hope I don't sound horrible when I say this but some of those dudes sitting in there look pretty scarey. I will talk to my sponsor after the holidays about this. I am going to pray to my HP (who is God) for guidance about this as well.
Thanks everybody, great posts!
Maybe it is those women that need you, if only to direct them to a more suitable meeting/group. What a person experiences at their first meeting often has a big impact on their impression of AA as a whole.
