When I was a child, I was told "don't cry" a lot of times. Someone hurt my feelings, fights with my siblings..."don't cry!" or "shut up!". I heard this more from my dad than my mom. I learned to bottle up my emotions because I learned not only would I have to deal with the emotions I was feeling but also getting reprimanded for expressing those emotions. Eventually, the bottle broke and I would burst out crying at the slightest thing. I spent alot of time in the school bathrooms sitting on the floor uncontrollably crying and my face would be all splotchy. I guess I felt safer crying at school than at home. When my father died of alcoholism, I remember after his funeral, a family member told my mom that she did a "good job" for not breaking down and crying at the funeral. This has always bothered me as if you cannot express your emotions at a funeral, where can you do it? I have missed funerals of family members which I should have attended because I was afraid I would break down.

When I got sober and started attending AA, I was crying all the time--not only where I live but at the meetings. (I probably cried more in the first few months of my sobriety than I had cried in ages.) I was embarrassed and ashamed because I was expressing emotions in the meetings in front of all those people and I didn't know how to bottle those emotions up--I just couldn't do it. I had to leave and go to the restroom and tell myself to straighten up and stop being such a baby filled with embarrassment when I had to walk back in front of everyone. I don't feel like that anymore, because I have been to meetings and watched grown men as well as women cry. I am learning that it is ok to cry now and nothing to be ashamed about.