Hello All. This may be a venting post but interested in your thoughts.
So my wife has been pretty supportive of me and my recovery but I can see signs that it is starting to ware on her. She is diagnosed Bi-Polar which has its own set of challenges and used to be one of my excuses for drinking. She is starting to say things like, "I wish you were here more" and "Your never around". I leave the house in the AM around 7:30 and get home from work around 6:00. Then I usually have to leave to get to a meeting at 7:00, and both my wife and daughter are in bed when I get home. So yes, I am not around very much.
The selfish me wants to lash out and probably say some things that would hurt her, I used to do that a lot because I don't know how to express myself very good. She is always so miserable which is hard for me to understand, she's a stay at home mom but our daughter is now in preschool 3 full days a week. Yes my daughter can be a handful at 3 1/2 but she's only got to watch her on her own Mon and Fri, and an hour or so at night while I'm at meetings. I keep trying to take all of her reasons for being in such a bad mood out of her life, but nothing works. I know its her illness but its very tough, especially without the booze to numb my feelings.
Its very hard for me to try and be peaceful and have serenity, which is something I really need to stay sober. I know that she's had to deal with a lot, but so have I with her (my selfish thought).
I don't really think there's an answer, It's just tough to always give in to her and not tell her how I really feel. I always used to tell her there wasn't enough room in the house for my feelings because she has soooo many.
Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm just frustrated because I was just talking to her on the phone and now I am miserable at work knowing the mentality she's in and what I GET to go home to. I am selfish and self centered in my mind I suppose. That is what I am working to change day by day. 11 Days sober today!
God Bless
-- Edited by d_willing on Friday 22nd of November 2013 03:56:56 PM
-- Edited by d_willing on Friday 22nd of November 2013 04:21:35 PM
Certainly God Blesses d_willing...great awareness. May want to support your wife finding the Al-Anon fellowship around your area...save program different focus. It is for the family, friends and associates of alcoholics and addicts. She can call the hotline number which is in the white pages (hopefully) of your local telephone book and then get to it as quickly as she can. She is not alone and never has been. She just hasn't been aware of what is out there for her. There is also an Al-Anon board on this MIP site...some of the members are "doubles"...members of both programs. She might want to complain to the Al-Anon board rather than to you cause you don't have the answers and Al-Anon does. I highly suggest it cause I am one of those "double" people. Just suggesting...not your job to fix her...it's her job.
Thanks Jerry... I actually did recommend her to go to an Al-Anon meeting and found one in our area that would work with her schedule. She put it off but then she finally decided to go. The darn thing wasn't there and the church was dark. I don't think she'll be going back, that's just the way she is. I really wish she would try again, but I'm not going to bring it up to her again, I know better. ;)
Congrats on 11 days. Happy for all of you in that regard.
It's true - the disease makes it all about the disease. First it's all about us and our drinking - then it's all about us and our recovery. But it does have to be that way for a little while. Just like if you were required to do chemo for 90 days.
After I got done with the 90 in 90 I backed off on the meetings and started making it more about the family again. Sobriety always has to come first - but we get sober to live our lives in my opinion. If I spend every night at an AA meeting instead of with my family it's just switching addictions. I don't know how long you'll need to get your doses of medicine more than what the family would like to see you gone... but you do need to save your life. Some people need to go a lot for 3 years not 3 months. Just be aware that at some point you'll need to find a balance between your recovery life and your home life.
If she does find her way back to alanon - you will begin to go through the same thing. She'll be going to meetings and you'll be home doing 'it all'. We still work to balance everything in our house between the kids stuff, the alanon stuff, I do AA and adult child/alanon meetings - so a minimum of 2 per week for me, 2 for hubby - that leaves 3 family night... so... yeah. Important thing is we're all getting healthy and the time we do spend together is getting better and better. It did get harder before it got easier. Change is still change. People buck at change even when it's good change - so just keep you head up, and know in your heart you're doing the right thing for the long haul. The more resistance you get - the more you know you're changing. Then once you're better and all she can see is what's her part that's left - it might be time to try alanon again. Well... that's how it went here. I hope it works out for you. It's not an easy path to do this with a family = they get sick too. Keep sharing :) xxxxx
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I agree with Tasha: Taking a balanced approach is very important. I'm not suggesting any drastic measures, like forgoing recovery altogether, no , I'm suggesting a more balanced approach, which should include work, A.A. and of course family time. That way everyone can be happy.
For example, if we spend too much time doing one thing versus another, then it makes for a grumpier relationship. So keep an honest perspective and remain true to yourself, your family and of course, recovery. It will make life that much easier.
My second wife attended Al-Anon for a period of time before our relationship started to mend. I guess it was her way of coping with another challenging situation.
She found Al-anon very comforting, even though there were issues brewing from the very beginning. In the end, though, she finally came to grips with my alcoholism. So have I. I hope your wife does too.
Congrats on day 11.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 24th of November 2013 02:37:12 PM
I think there is...In fact...I know there is. And it's not just the meetings....It's the steps. They talk about it in the book quite a bit...A few lines that stuck out for me...
See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
pg 164
How do you see to it your relationship with your HP is right?....You work the steps.
From the ninth step promises....
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
pg 84
How do you come to realize that?...You work the steps.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
pg 52
That should give you a clue what the answer is....God could and would if He were sought.....The answer is in the steps.
Stepchild wrote:And it's not just the meetings....It's the steps.
So I got a new sponsor at my meeting this AM, I am to call him everyday to get to know each other better, and then he is going to take me through the steps as its laid out in the BB. He said he would be "honored" to do so with me. I have a lot of hope today!
-- Edited by d_willing on Saturday 23rd of November 2013 11:33:52 AM
I think "Balance" can be a dangerous word for an alkie.....I know for this chronic alcoholic...I would take that as I could work half on my recovery..And half on something else. Half measures....Half ass. Half bullshitting myself. Resulting in nothing. I had to go 100% balls out on this thing...They say launch into a course of vigorous action...I launched. It's like that phrase "Take it easy" from the Big Book....A lot of alkies have taken that phrase out of context and taken it right into the ground. I went to two to three meetings a day for my first three months....And worked the steps....And I really didn't care what anybody thought....Anybody. I did this for my life. That comes before anyone or anything.
I think "Balance" can be a dangerous word for an alkie.....I know for this chronic alcoholic...I would take that as I could work half on my recovery..And half on something else. Half measures....Half ass. Half bullshitting myself. Resulting in nothing. I had to go 100% balls out on this thing...They say launch into a course of vigorous action...I launched. It's like that phrase "Take it easy" from the Big Book....A lot of alkies have taken that phrase out of context and taken it right into the ground. I went to two to three meetings a day for my first three months....And worked the steps....And I really didn't care what anybody thought....Anybody. I did this for my life. That comes before anyone or anything.
Agreed. In this one application. The recovery from alcohol is like putting out a fire. Life and death is a call for extreme measures. Firemen at an inferno git it their all, as we do!
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Took me 2 years sober to find 'balance' ... ... ... during that first 2 years, I knew it was AA or death ... I chose AA ... Now I'm beginning to 'understand', so Now I can better distribute the new me ...
I had to be 'selfish' where the AA program was concerned, to start with ... and the program taught me how to mature into a sober 'unselfish' person ... .. ... Well, ........ for the most part, I guess ... the little woman loves me more because of it .... now, that is !!!!!!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Stepchild wrote:And it's not just the meetings....It's the steps.
So I got a new sponsor at my meeting this AM, I am to call him everyday to get to know each other better, and then he is going to take me through the steps as its laid out in the BB. He said he would be "honored" to do so with me. I have a lot of hope today!
That's the right answer...Same thing my sponsor said to me. I have hope for you too...Follow his directions....And get busy. Your life will change. Better than you thought possible.
Wonderful news about your sponsor. As Stepchild said, that was the right answer. It fills me with hope.
I thought Tasha also made a very good point about balance. Most of us find it necessary to immerse ourselves totally in AA for a time. I did the 90 in 90 deal and worked the steps while I was at it. But my family circumstances (non existent) allowed it.
I sponsor a man who was the primary carer for his two little boys, and held down a full time job. He managed about two meetings a week and carried out his responsibilities towards his sons and work (self supporting). Initially I was concerned at so few meetings, but we worked the steps together and he has made the most wonderful recovery.
Like Tasha, he made sobriety and living the AA way of life his number one priority. He practices AA principles in ALL his affairs and never used his alcoholism as a cop out to avoid his personal responsibilities. So in terms of what is guiding his life, there is no question of balance, he lives totally by AA principles.
The result is, to all intents and purposes, he lives a balanced life and neither his children, new partner, or his work suffer inattention or hardship due to his alcoholism. One of the special moments I remember with him was when he was involved in a community kids street party and I was able to observe him from a distance. He was obviously a happy and well accepted man among the community and had made many friends in the street, and he seemed to be getting a great kick out of his community involvement. I thanked God for doing such a wonderful job with him.
I think the book asks partners of alcoholics to cut them a little slack initially as the new man is likely to be a little forgetful of his family for a time. But it is clear that the whole idea is he/she will eventually resume their place in the family, and will not endlessly pursue their AA interest at the expense of their family.
d_willing,
I am so happy for you finding a sponsor and continuing to do what you need to do to stay sober. Sounds like you are a hard working family man as well. With your schedule at work and attending meetings, which can help save your life so you can be around a lot longer to be with your family, it also sounds like you don't have many hours left in the day to spend with your family. Hopefully you can still manage to squeeze in some special times to be with your spouse even for a for minutes here or there. I was reading your post and thought to myself that it would be hard for me if I were in your wife's shoes and she reminds me of myself, and as far as I know, I am not bipolar.
I am reading this book, "Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon". My father died of alcoholism, and someone suggested to me to start attending Al-Anon meetings as well as AA. I decided to stick with my AA meetings, as I attend those everyday, and want to leave time for my service work, this board, reading, etc. I did get this book at a yard sale, and it has short chapters (which I prefer) and are so much like AA because they have 12 steps too. Possibly you could find a copy on internet or bookstore to get for your wife. Maybe this way, if she is unable to attend meetings at this time, she can read and learn more about you and herself as well and that may help her understand what you each are dealing with. Also, I remember having one young one and I was a stay at home mom, and I was exhausted all the time. It sounds like you both have a lot of stress you are dealing with. I admire you for exercising patience and continuing to stay sober and proving to others that it is possible to not drink even during stressful times.
