hmm???? did you type that? did you type that cause your keyboards humming? but really you are and you had to type it? hmmm.......HMMMM......... Thats another thing I hate. people typing their grunts. Just fantastic.

Ok.... I got a chance to go to work today. It rained. I got a call back for a job I landed. The phone DIDDNT RING. I told My neighbor winco was hiring and we both filled out job apps. They actually HIRED MY NEIGHBOR. 3 months ago I got a flat tire on the way to a job interview. I was late, they diddnt believe me and I was dismissed. Im not gonna tell you what happened in october cause you might insist that what happened there was all my fault... no. GOD IS THE REASON I DONT DRINK. Im watching my ass. And god is a sneaky little cat. meow meow.

btw... I have no money to go to traffic school on monday. That will be two points on my driving record. I'll admit the tickets were my fault, but the money isnt coming in damnit. I just got my A liscence in may, and since the doctor told the DMV what I told him (doctor\patient trust you know) about my alcoholism, the dmv insists that I cant drive till at least january 2014. If I have 2 points on my record I wont be able to drive for anyone. Meow Meow.

Sometimes reality sucks....and sometimes...things get worse...before they get better...and somedays..there are a lot of F+++g tests...that seem to never end....

Ask me...

I know...

Ive had to borrow money from friends just to survive..Ive had to go to food banks to keep from starving....

Some days Ide like to walk into a liquor store and put a jug under my coat...walk out and get completely pissed..

Consequences? DEATH

Im grateful..Im still breathin...

Im gratefull for AA meetings and the people there that pick me up...for another day...

I know for sure..that its going to better....as long as I stay sober...

And that's all I really know...

So...my friend?

If you wake up breathing this morning?

Its a good start

One more thing ... Here's a typed out version of a sponsee talking with his sponsor:

1st of All

Sponsor: It's your thinking that's wrong.

Sponsee: How much of my thinking is wrong?

Sponsor: We always start with, all of it, then if there's any, any good,

we'll let you know.

Sponsee: You put a sign up that sez .. THINK, THINK, THINK.

Sponsor: That's for us!

Now we're go'n to give you some things 'to do' and things 'not to

do', ...

Now the things we'll give you 'not to do' is go'n to

change', the things we give you 'to do', you're go'n to add

to', Then it's go'n to happen over here.

Sponsee: What's go'n to happen over there?

Sponsor: We don't know but it always happens!!!

Sponsee: I'm going to tell you something', I've been listening to you

and listening to you', Now you listen to me, ... I DO NOT

UNDERSTAND ...

Sponsor: AND THAT'S IT & DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT!!.

There's two things you must remember every day for the rest of

your life:

1. No matter what's go'n on in your life', You Do Not

Understand' ... then you'll have understanding

And when you quit trying to understand, then you can enjoy

it.

2. No matter what your situation is, ... it's never them, ..never

her, never God, ... it's YOU that must become different

than you ever have before.

Sponsee: How do I do that?

Sponsor: Oh! You can't!

Sponsee: What the Hell you tell'n me that for???

Sponsor: That's what's go'n to happen to ya.

NOW I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE KICKER.

This is the very one thing that got you here, ... But it's the very

one thing that, ... should it not change, ... will be the very one

thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God

has for his children ...

As long as you know that you know, ... you'll never know.

But when you begin to do what we tell you 'not to do' and 'to do'

and begin to know that you don't know, ... then you'll begin to

know ...

Sponsee: Hell, you're crazy!

Sponsor: I know

When we stop living in the problem and start living in the solution, the problem goes away. 

The problem & the solution-

BB 60-63

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.

Don't forget robbie...Alcohol is the great persuader...If it ever beats you to a state of reasonableness...You know where to find us.

I haven't had a drink since Halloween. See? I'm not pleasant when I'm sober. maybe you cant help me after all. and I am TRULEY sorry for that gay little poem. it was very poorly written. what was actually happening that night can probably not be put into words.

But what the hell do I care what any of you think about it. fuck you that poem was great.

JESUS LOVES YOU!!!!!

justadrunk wrote:

---

Dave12 - that was AWESOME! I am with ya on that train, and it's been a very good ride.

---

 Thanks, JaD. I sometimes wish I had come into AA with an already established belief in some standard idea of what God is and how 'faith' works. I have envied people who didn't have to struggle with their understandings of matters of faith. Seems to me that would have made things a lot easier, but hey, we all start from wherever we're starting from.  

When I do find myself getting into intellectual debates over this stuff (either with someone else or, more often, in my own head) it helps to remind myself that, whatever there may be to this whole idea of God, if there IS anything to it, it must be big enough and welcoming enough that we can each approach it from our own path. And the goal is not to define it, but just to try to make a little progress on that path.

And when I find myself slipping into old ideas about a judgmental HP that would be weighing whether I deserved to be helped or not, it helps me if I think of it using an analogy, like the way a large tree offers shade on a hot day. The tree doesn't 'choose' who will get relief from the shade, it just provides shade and relief because that is it's nature. It's up to each of us to decide for ourselves if we want to get closer to it and get that relief.

What a retard! Without The power of GOD you are hopeless. simply hopeless. Go drink yourself to death under a bridge somewhere. you don't deserve this program. Be sure to say Hi to the devil for me when you get to hell!

Go drink myself to death. I don't deserve this program. Your right. I deserve MUCH better than this. Fuck every one of you, I'm done here.

Good! get out of here! no one wants to listen to your ass!