Thank you all for the responses. I needed to read them. And you are correct - it is fear. And the impulsive alcoholic thought process that says I know a better way than what everyone else is doing. Because I am "unique." And "different." And down the rabbit hole we go. This was illuminating. And I think I need a real sponsor - and fast.
WOW Adam, ... you just shared 'EXACTLY' how I was for many years ... I was 40+ when coming to AA for the first time ... and what you just described, kept me in my addiction for another 15 years or so ... to the point of death ... I pray you'll make the right decision for your own sake and for the sake of those that care for you ... especially for the Man upstairs ... He needs you to help others when the time is right ...
I have sponsored some 'on-line' people, both men and women ... they couldn't see any other way, and I felt help was needed whether in person or 'on-line' ... Online is harder ... I cannot see them when they talk and you read sooo much in how a person expresses themselves 'in-person' that is impossible to do over the net ... I can call the bluff of a sponsee in person that I can't quite do over the net ... that said, any sponsor is better than no sponsor in my book ...
If I weren't so involved with the distractions of my pending move, I'd volunteer to help ... I really don't want to put myself in a position of letting you down right now ... their are others here more qualified than me anyway ... and I strongly suggest you keep looking for someone local to you for 'face time' sponsorship ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Tuesday 19th of November 2013 09:48:13 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have a somewhat unorthodox question to ask, but I figured it would not hurt to put it out there.
To provide some context, I will share that I first started coming to this board about a year and a half ago when I knew that I needed to begin the process of recovery. I was a hard drinker for 10 years and as I was approaching 30, wanted to start turning my life around. I am a high-functioning alcoholic, but my internal world has been torn apart by alcohol many times. Pretty much every major component of alcoholism that I haven't learned from the Big Book, I have learned at MIP. It has been a place where I have processed my most difficult moments on every leg of the journey as well as learned an incredible amount about myself and my disease.
Unfortunately, i have not enjoyed face to face meetings as much. This isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed them (and I know I need to go to them) - it's just that I struggle a lot with being open about something so personal out loud to people I do not know well. Here, I have the safety of more anonymity and that has carried me a long way. As much as I appreciate MIP, though, I know that fundamentally it is no equal replacement for face to face meetings. Also, my struggle in becoming comfortable with face to face meetings has led me to be wary about sponsorship. My first sponsor did not work out because, while good intentioned, he made me feel like we needed to hang out and be friends in order to support me. I felt uncomfortable with our relationship mostly because I felt like I was not in control of the parameters. Maybe he knew better than I did, but I felt pressured to be social with him and that made me react negatively.
That being said, I tried working the steps on my own (which I know is a bad idea) and managed to get a solid six months of sobriety under my belt. There were frustrating moments, but I was incredibly proud of myself (and, of course, thankful to my HP). Unfortunately, as many of you know, I relapsed. It was a shitty thing and I am struggling to get back into a healthy mental space with sobriety. I am still going to meetings, but I am not actively working the steps because I do not have someone with whom I trust to guide me.
My unorthodox question is: would one of you be willing to sponsor me through the steps? I trust the overwhelming majority of people on this board and feel like I have already revealed pretty much everything there is to know. And for me the idea of working the steps with someone from this space makes me feel a lot more comfortable than doing so with anyone i have met at my meetings. There are great people there and I am growing closer with the group - I just feel like i haven't made the sort of connection I am looking for. It could be me, but that's how I feel about it. And what I'm looking for in a sponsor is someone who will guide me through the steps, someone i can be in touch with periodically and process, and someone who will also respect some personal boundaries.
It's just a thought and i am curious about what some of you think of the idea. If it's a bad one, of course let me know. But, as I said, I figured it was worth putting out there.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Hey Adam...I know the internet wasn't around when these fine folks put the suggested program of recovery down on paper...I really don't have any experience with online sponsorship....Not to say it can't be done. I notice you mention the word comfortable a few times in your post...I know for myself...This wasn't a comfortable process for me...If it was...I imagine more people would actually do it. They mention it in the book...Chapter two. pg 25
There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.
One of things I heard an oldtimer talk about early on was the need to step out of our comfort zones...I'd never heard that expression....I guess I've come to find out that it means...Doing things I didn't want to do....Hearing things I didn't want to hear. They talk in the book about being willing to go to any length to get this solution..This peace of mind....This new life without alcohol....What does willing to go to any length mean to you?...Would online be an easier softer way? I don't know....I was broken enough when I got to AA that it meant "anything" to me....It was as simple as my way didn't work...Tell me what I have to do. My sponsor wanted me to go to meetings so he could see my eyes....I went.....He said do 90 meetings in 90 days...I did 180+ in 90 days...He said call him every night so he could hear my voice...I did it. He said to set an hour a day aside with no TV or music and do stepwork...Just me and God....I did it. That was not a comfort zone for me.....But it worked.
That is really insightful, Stepchild. And it makes a lot of sense.
And maybe I need to just come right out and say what I wrote during a meeting. Perhaps by naming my experience I can be clearer with folks about my boundaries and also allow myself to be appropriately challenged.
Probably that's the best solution.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
I am curious about what your boundries are...Are these old ideas you want to hang on to?...Maybe things you don't want to put on your fourth step?...Amends you don't want to make?....I do know for this thing to work...We do have to let go absolutely...Or we get nothing...They make that clear in How It Works.
Oh, God .. that old ideas. Its so hard to share them and harder to let them and so much dishonesty behind these ideas and so much selfishness and self-centeredness, but it really worth to let them and to know the freedom and the new happiness.
Ah, alcoholics, always looking for an easier, softer way. I had a real crappy sponsor when I was new in the program, we parted ways, and I got someone else who was a better fit. Sounds like you are using fear to distance yourself from the people in your meetings. Believe me, there is someone already there who would lead you through the steps, even if they take you on as a temporary sponsor. If you want to maintain your sobriety, suck it up and follow the directions as laid out in the BB. Good luck.
Thank you all for the responses. I needed to read them. And you are correct - it is fear. And the impulsive alcoholic thought process that says I know a better way than what everyone else is doing. Because I am "unique." And "different." And down the rabbit hole we go. This was illuminating. And I think I need a real sponsor - and fast.
__________________
When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Thank you all for the responses. I needed to read them. And you are correct - it is fear. And the impulsive alcoholic thought process that says I know a better way than what everyone else is doing. Because I am "unique." And "different." And down the rabbit hole we go. This was illuminating. And I think I need a real sponsor - and fast.
This is my opinion only...So take it or leave it....But I think that fear knocks more people out of AA than anything else...The whole idea of this thing scared the hell out of me...I think my biggest fear was that it would work...And the thought of life without alcohol terrified me...It was all I knew...I never did anything without it.
The fourth step....Our moral inventory...Listing our grosser handicaps...Big chunks of truth about ourselves.....This step should be called the Boogie Man step...Scares more people than any other...Most people put it off till they drink again...I know one guy that's done that for 10 years...Ask anyone that's been in and out of AA for years what step they were on...I'll bet you 99% of them didn't finish a fourth step and share that in a fifth step.
It's odd to me...Because one of the things we face in our fourth step is our fears...We list them on paper...We look right at them....We ask ourselves why we have them...I love what they say in the directions for the fourth step about fear....
Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.
pg 66
the fabric of our existence was shot through with it...
Ain't that the fricken truth?
Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.
Yeah...I'll buy that.
So what do they promise us when we share our fifth step?
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
pg 75
Our fears fall from us.....Amazing...This is where I felt relief...This is where I could see this program worked....And this is the place most people are too scared to get to. Find someone living this program Adam...Ask them if they will take you through the steps as laid out in the book....Trust God to help you...Whatever God is to you....And do it. It still blows my mind this thing works....When I didn't think anything would.
My experience mirrors what the others have said. There was no lasting sobriety or change in my life until I took action and worked The Steps with a Sponsor. Our biggest fear we have is fear of the unknown. All my character defects are soiled in FEAR. Fear is the opposite of faith. We obtain faith in a HP by going through The Steps. In order to change, we must take risk. Risk involves step from the known into the unknown. Once this is done the comfort zone gets bigger and so does life.
You described me too, and fear is why I took as long as I did before I found a sponsor. I'm like Pappy, I think an online sponsor is better than no sponsor at all. As for me, I prayed to my HP if it was meant for me to have a sponsor to help me find one, and within no time someone came into my life to be my sponsor. I enjoy and look forward to our weekly meetings and already feel a big relief having a sponsor, even for just a few weeks. I cannot explain it really, possibly it is because I did have so much fear about opening up to someone else because I really don't know these people in AA all that well. I have huge trust issues from confiding in friends, relatives before who betrayed that trust. My sponsor assured me that everything I share will be kept confidential and that made me feel better. I actually did a search on the internet to find out if someone could and would sponsor me. I am glad that I didn't. I like the face to face meetings I have with my sponsor. I did that search before coming to this board. There is a wonderful poster on here and after "talking" with her on this board and on the phone one time, I thought to myself that I would LOVE to have her as a sponsor and thought why couldn't I find someone like her in my meetings?? Not long my sponsor was willing to help me and I am very happy.
And that really sucks about Pappy having a plateful right now, because he would make a great online sponsor, I'm sure, after reading his posts.
Thanks for the vote of confidence BTY ... but I do still have a lot to learn ... it never seems to end ... and I'm happy with that ... 'Progress, not perfection' ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Adam,
I felt the same way as you. I just wanted to let you know that getting out of my comfort zone was so scary that I felt like I couldn't do it - but of course I could. And the rewards of pushing myself were immense.
The cool thing about 'online' or remote sponsorship is that it can work if it has to, and we are lucky to live in the times we do. So - if there is absolutely no other way - you're not screwed - like if you live in an igloo 100's of miles from another human. People in the beginning had to travel and write letters and find each other by train just here and there. Long distance calling!!!! WO!
Now of course it's almost never the case - and getting out of your isolation and over your fears - feeling a real live hug and looking into someone's eyes as you are accepted exactly as you are - this is the good stuff you deserve! Give yourself the best possible chance Adam - you deserve it. No more self sabotaging - that's not how HP wants you to treat you. Know in your heart that there is something bigger out there that is rooting for you and wants you to make THE BEST possible choices for yourself so you can find the peace and serenity that you're worth!!!
You are SO loved Adam! Try out YOU loving YOU and acting like it now. xoxoxoxoxo
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
