Family, coworkers, strangers on public transit, my dog, the weather, a bad hair day...lets just say I've "allowed" every possible person or situation to be a perfectly acceptable excuse for me to drink. Posts like yours are the reason I come here. Hearing how much we're alike and how better you feel is very motivating for me. I see that you're happy and discovering peace and think "I want that too".
-- Edited by Butterfinger on Friday 15th of November 2013 11:52:52 AM
I sure did. I cannot count the number of times I got my feelings hurt, got upset over something someone said or "did" to me. I would drink my wine and/or beer and think how much better I would feel after I drank and how much better I could deal with "that other person's insensitivity" towards me by getting drunk. Sometimes by six, seven, ten and a lot of times more drinks later, I had numbed myself to the point where I was not worrying as much about what happened "to me". However, the hangover by the next morning, made me feel physically and mentally worse than dealing with the situation in a sober manner. Sometimes I would get even madder after I drank and have the courage to shoot off my mouth at them or draft out a "cleverly" composed email to set them straight. This usually resulted in a full blown heated exchange either face-to-face or via the internet. After I woke up the next morning, I usually did the routine "I can't believe I drank that much" self-talk and then I would be mortified when I remembered (the times I actually could remember) what I had said or written the day before when I was drunk. Then, after several cups of coffee, I would try and rationalize in my head that "they started it" and didn't deserve an apology from me and I was justified for doing what I did. The fact is, I was probably too ashamed and embarrassed to apologize.
I love being sober. I am almost at 6 months and it feels really good not to have the same reactions and behavior that I did when I was drinking. I am trying hard to notice when I get upset at what I think others "do to me". I realize that most of the stuff I was thinking in the past, and some of it now, has been my own over sensitivity, insecurities and paranoia. Although I still get my panties in a bunch sometimes, I try to tell myself, "Here I go again...", say a prayer to my HP to help me not make such a big deal out of things, and either come to this board or go to an AA meeting. All of which always makes me feel better and not want to drink and my Hanes for Women fits better, too.
I know what you're talking about, Butterfinger....it hasn't just been people, but places and things which have made me drink. Think that is why they bring that up in AA so much.."people, places and things". And reading your posts this a.m. made me get a big smile on my face like that little finger has in your pic. And I know that you will be smiling like that more and more the longer you are sober.
((((hugs))))
Yup. Just like we have tools to help us maintain our sobriety, our alcoholism also has tools to try to get us to drink again. And resentments are right up there at the top of the list. And when we drank over resentments before we came to AA, or when we allow our resentments to fester now, in sobriety, and give them the power to push us toward a drink again, it is like us drinking poison to try to make someone else sick. It is insane. Yeah, that's alcoholism for ya.
It was only alcoholism that made me drink though when I analyse that through step 4 I find there was something wrong with my reaction to life, which seems to be at the root of alcoholism. Selfishness, selfcentredness, making decisions based on self, stepping on the toes of my fellows and sometimes they retaliated, hurting me.
There is nothing, and never was anything, out there that causes me to drink. My problem was internal, untreated alcoholism. And the solution was the 12 steps.
I never knew why I drank like I did....Till I read this.
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
The Doctor's Opinion
It took me 35 fricken years to find that out.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 16th of November 2013 01:34:51 AM
She hated me when I was drunk. I couldn't stand her when I was sober.
I would say that you drink when you want to. Anything else is pure BS. That makes as much sense as saying the hot chic with her boobs hanging out drove you rape her.
Enough with the nonsense.
I loved loved loved the feeling of drinking early on. It made me everything I wanted to be, in my imagination. Soon I found there was a progressive cost to staying in dream land.
It was the living nightmare.
After being sober a while, I would want the idealized early drinking days.
Don't you think it is funny that when we are tempted to,drink, we always remember those early honeymoon days of drinking... I never ever remembered throwing up in my car or laying in my own piss. Funny thing that selective memory.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Have other people caused me to drink or at least think about it? I would have to say yes, even though it was another excuse now that I think about it. I blamed just about everyone; my father, brothers, ex-wives and even my boss at work. The truth was, it could only go so far. Eventually, it all came back to me whether I liked it or not.
I guess the problem all along, besides drinking, was my lack of responsibility. I had to get honest about everything; from my drinking to my many other issues, I had to face it all. It basically boiled down to one thing...immaturity.
After I sobered up, I had to face the daunting task of "emotionally sobriety". And that became my defining moment. The one thing that eluded me for a greater part of 25 years was the part about 'growing up'. Once I was able to conquer that hurdle, it kind of evened out after that.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 16th of November 2013 04:25:42 PM
That was poor writing on my part on the posting name on this. I used to blame others and I know now it was my alcoholism and insecurities which caused me to drink.
Also, what you are describing in your post I think is drinking out of resentments. That was always just a lame and played out excuse. Yes, we all did do that I think and that is why resentments are "the number 1 offender." At this point, I know so deeply that being sober is better for my life that I would "not drink" to get back at them before I would drink. Why screw up my life for someone that pissed me off??
But staying sober out of spite is not good either and working the steps to not have resentmens is ideal.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 16th of November 2013 08:27:32 AM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I drank because I could. It had nothing to do with people, places or things. I come from open, permissable drinking and drank in spite or any reason not to.
Amazing posts. Despite what I posted above, I realize from reading the ones from those of you who have longer sobriety time than I do, that I still have a longggg way to go and feel like that will come by working the steps with my sponsor. A day before I posted this, I found myself blowing up at someone and felt so much guilt for doing so. I did apologize within a short time later for getting upset. I know that situation was about me and reminded myself that I reacted with my little tantrum before I prayed, came here to read and get hope from your postings. I did briefly wonder to myself if I would be able to stick to staying sober because it is so ingrained in my habits to start drinking whenever I was upset for whatever reason I gave myself. I went over in my mind what I need to do in the future. I really want to be a nice person. So although I posted this after that happened, by reading your postings, I will hopefully be able to prevent that from happening again. I appreciate your sharing your wisdom and experience. Thanks everybody.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Saturday 16th of November 2013 09:23:28 AM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Saturday 16th of November 2013 09:24:47 AM
BTY, I have never really wanted to drink since coming to AA. I have wanted to "check out" "feel different" "not be awake" "catch some kind of buzz".....I have had that sort of "cravey" feeling but something about my surrendering to AA made it so that drinking was never an acceptable answer and I just had to deal with those "cravey" feelings. When I am around people that trigger that, my reaction is to want to get away and go home now. This typically happens in bar or "happy hour" type environments for me. If someone came over with their 6 pack (5th of liqour or case of beer or whatever) at any event other than a party at my house with lots of people, and they just started heavy drinking I would not ever invite them over again and I might ask them to leave at that time even. Drinking ruined my life. Period. It's okay to draw some boundaries around it and people that drink too much. Not for me. I leave or they go.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Boy, the typos I made above and had to correct. Guess my coffee is not kicking in. I get embarrassed easily and even am embarrassed that two "edits" are showing up by me. Now is that silly or what?
Sorry, it's hard for me right now to keep up with the board ... too many interruptions ... this is a great thread ... and what I got from it was 'EXCUSES TO DRINK' ...
I drank to celebrate, I drank to drown my sorrows, I drank 'cause it was 'hot', I drank 'cause it was raining, I drank ... ... ... Hell, I drank 'cause I WANTED to drink ... like Stepman posted, we like the feel it gives us ... there are NO good reasons to drink, just excuses ...
Thank God for recovery ... for AA ... for people helping each other get better ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy....I looked for your post on this yesterday and wondered..."but there's not one from Pappy." I am afraid I have gotton somewhat "spoileder" by being on this board because you as well as other oldtimers here are like my morning coffee...get too dependent on it and miss it when it's gone or not available for awhile :)
Good post betterthanyesterday, got me thinking how I internalize everyones actions, and reminds me to turn things over to a HP and pray when I feel the world is "out to get me"
Good Evening, Sunnyk (what a nice name)...
Thanks for posting and hope to see you around more on this board. It's a great one for sure and you'll find lots of support, that's for sure!!!!
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome, I am looking forward to this Message board and all the great support it offers. Now it's off to Saturday Night Live meeting!
