It's pretty cool - this idea of recovery or recovered or recovering. Lots of hope. There IS hope for you to return to sane thinking.
My sane thinking looks kind of sort of like this.
I am allergic to strawberries (for the stories sake). I might be able to get away with eating some for a day, but there is about a one in one million possibility that I could die of a really bad allergic reaction if I do.
I loooooooooooooooooove strawberries. So flippin much!!!!!!!!!!!
I will not eat one because I don't want to take the chance. Even if it's so so so small this time. Even if I see others doing it with no problems.
That is sanity. Practice the 12 steps, and remember always that there is no way you can ever NOT be allergic to alcohol. The doctors tell you you're allergic, your insane mental twist wants to convince you otherwise - but SANE thinking around it would be a no brainer. You probably wear your seatbelt and do all kinds of things just in case. You can do this too Craig. You can be restored to sanity.
Craig - I used to drink so much I couldn't even sleep through the night. I had to wake up at 2am to drink so I could sleep to 6am and do another full day of drinking again.
But now I wouldn't take the chance even if they told me it might be alright - I just don't want to risk it. I don't just believe I can't - I don't WANT to. The desire is completely and totally gone. This can be your sanity as well. Do the steps honestly live this program and enjoy :)
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 13th of November 2013 04:59:33 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have 30 minutes to kill. Violently they will succumb.
Thirty minutes of introspection, revelation, and relation.
29 minutes now... No more putting it off. (big breath)
Hi I'm Craig and I am an alcoholic who has been thinking I can handle buying a bottle and just sipping; who has been fantasizing about the wife leaving for a short trip with the kids and the chance to get into a serious buzz; who has been trying to justify the drunk with the words that it won't be too much, I will not be caught, I am healthy enough to enjoy a sip; I will not have to tell anyone of my little indiscretion.
I read each and every one of those thoughts and I know externally they are lies. I guess I'm working for a new definition of my recovery. When the little boy craig no longer has to sneak or think about 'cheating' with a bottle, maybe then, I will be recovered. I don't know if that really happens or not. If its a part of my programming, I need to use my tools to rewrite my program.
25 minutes...
The thinking starts when I'm bored/not satisfied/discomfited by something around me. I know the thinking for what it is, that little tickle demanding a soothing relief. Yup I want a drink when that thinking starts. I want to alter my perceptions of whats around me. I want to feel better about something, anything, and coffee doesn't make me feel that way (dang it). I don't smoke and won't smoke so that drug is out. Pain pills could do it, but I just don't want to go there. Sex is a great feel good whether alone or together, but if ya do it all the time, society frowns on you. Whats left? Me, coffee, food, alcohol, sugar, and of those? Me. Coffee isn't the same feel good. Food has consequences that I am still losing. Alcohol is why I am writing in here (it isn't a solution I like, just one that I want.) Sugar? Sugar goes back to the same consequences as food, not to mention for every sugar rush you have, you also get a sugar downer. The first and the last are all that remain, Me.
15 minutes...
The sanity starts with the recognition of what is going on. I still work with the acceptance. I need/want to find the tools that will work for me to remove that insistent tickle without resorting to chemical modifications. Hobbies? Hobbies are work and when I am tired I don't want to work. But I don't want to sleep either. I don't want to sit and watch TV. I want to spend time with family, but I'm cranky, and drive them away, I don't want to do what they want to do. I am working to make this rental house more of a home with the spaces and places we need. The planning includes a place where my ideas can get out of my head without alcohol. Where I can do all those things I merely want to do, not just the things I need to do.
10 minutes...
And maybe that is the key. Those 'wants' that have never been classified into 'needs'. I want to be creative. I want to sculpt, model, music, write. I don't need to. At least, I do not place the priority of the 'need' on them. The key may be recategorizing them. Run off to my space and do something, anything, that gives me pleasure, allows me to be express, create, address that tickle in a new way. I need to be sane. I want to be drunk. hmph.
5 minutes...
The Tickle does not appear to the problem. The problem is how I react to that 'tickle'. How has my programming reacted in the past? What do I change with that programming? How can I sooth that tickle and remain sane, with my family, pleased with my life?
oh...I didn't put 'workaholic' in the list of solutions for my tickle...but believe me it belongs there. After all...I'm going off to start my 6day work week with the other job in two minutes.
1 minute past...
Gotta run, done rereading. Any typos, misspellings or omissions found are now the responsibility of the reader to understand and/or puzzle out. Getting my cup of coffee for the road...
Yup, us alcoholics have a hard-wired knee-jerk reaction to try to fix any internal discomfort, and internal feelings of being restless, irritable or discontent, with some kind of external fix. Alcohol, other drugs, various types of compulsive behaviors. You do seem to be becoming well aware that these are all just temporary 'band-aids' at best, and potentially disastrous choices at worst, and that they don't really address to source of the problem and don't actually do anything to help us recover from this problem. Generally, the best they can do is temporarily delay a relapse.
So what has been your experience with applying the 12 steps of AA to your situation to find something that can help you truly experience recovery from this condition?
