I've lost everything that ever mattered to me due to drinking. I have no income, no job, currently sleeping in a cousin's basement since I lost my home earlier this year, vehicle's gone, marriage (to another alcoholic I met in early recovery 4 years ago) is on the rocks (and I don't even care), family disappointed, friends gone, and the most important thing I lost is my son, who is in Michigan with my father because I can't even care for myself let alone another person. I used to be motivated to actually do things, was attractive with a good job, now I am a lonely loser who looks and feels like shit all the time.
I can't even stand to look at myself, am barely scraping out normal showering habits, which I also lost while drinking. No motivation, I feel either numb or terrified All. The. Time. Terror at the thought of a meeting and PEOPLE, and terror of going back to drinking and surely dying this time. No solid ground to stand on, am new to Colorado (geographic cure attempt) and know two people in the whole state. No friends, and the few I had back in Detroit are gone, lost to my drinking and weren't that close to begin with. I have done vile, disgusting things that I am too ashamed to even speak of online, and harbor a strong suspicion that I am fundamentally broken.
It's freezing cold here, and I have no transportation. Can't even fathom walking back through the doors of AA after this past year. Longest I've had is 15 months, but I never did a 5th step because I was too ashamed and couldn't trust anybody. Now the list is significantly longer with truly awful things that I never thought I would do. I have alienated the few family members I've ever been decently close to, and have been in a psych hospital 17 times in the last 12 years, with six of those times being this year.
I am clearly lost, but don't know if I ever developed a "real self" to try and "get back to." So what's left for me? How did you all take that first step through on your way to sobriety?
I try to pray but my thoughts race so constantly (with weird, intrusive thoughts keeping me terrified daily and awake most of each night even though I take a Rx sleep aid) that I never finish. Attention span of a gnat. Binge eating to "try and make it stop." The world seems large, cold, gray, and ultimately too scary to even fathom stepping out into. Did any of you have this type of severe psychological issue? How are you coping with your mental health in recovery? I am aware of PAWS but knowing something intellectually is not nearly enough to change how I feel.
Please drop me some kind of experience, strength, and/or hope. It is too painful to go on like this.
-- Edited by Brandi L on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 06:32:20 PM
-- Edited by Brandi L on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 06:33:16 PM
__________________
We stood at a turning point, and asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here's one advantage you have that a lot of other alcoholics don't have - you already know for a fact that you can stay sober a day at a time for at least 15 months. Most people walking into the doors of AA have no idea if they will be able to stay sober at all. And you already know how to start going to AA because you've already done that too. So you do it again.
And, as much as possible, you try to avoid needlessly beating up on yourself for what has happened and instead, you examine your relapse objectively with the help of other sober alcoholics who can help you do that, and learn from it so you avoid making the same mistakes again, and you just stay sober and continue recovering. You know what to do.
And I doubt there's a person anywhere in this world who would want you to keep drinking. The entire universe, including you, would be perfectly content with you getting sober and living a terrific sober life. The only thing that tries to stop us is the voice of our alcoholism in our heads. It is lying to you. That's it's job. Don't listen to that voice. Feel free to tell it to shut up as you are on your way out the door to the meeting.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 07:57:30 PM
Welcome Brandi....I can relate to what you are saying...Names and places may be different...The story is the same. It cost me everything....Almost killied me. I think my first step to sobriety was dropping to my knees and saying....God I can't live like this anymore....And meaning it. My brother threw me into a rehab because he couldn't bare to watch me die. They gave me a Big Book...I studied it...I didn't even know what AA was. When I realised it was directions to a path I had to follow...I found someone to guide me down it...I prayed for help...And I stuck around with people that were living it. Today the problem has been removed for me...As the book promises...I just have to follow a few simple rules. What it comes down to...Was it beat me....Badly...Once I stopped fighting it...That gave me hope. I did things I didn't want to do and heard things I didn't want to hear.....But my life depended on it. That'll motivate most people.
Hi Brandi, I'm glad you're here with us on this online recovery forum and I'm really glad that you're honestly telling us what's going on with you and how you feel. Talking openly is important. The first thing that is most apparent to me is that you're a perfectly normal run-of-the-mill alcoholic like me. All the crazy mixed-up thoughts and emotions you're having are very normal for us alcoholics before we've done the things we need to do to get well. Before recovery in A.A.,I had all the same stuff going on. You're definitely not unique. Actually, you're very typical. Having said that, I'll bet you might be wondering what you can do to get out of this crazy screwed-up mess...right? Well, what you'll need to do is exactly the opposite of everything you did in the past when you were sober before. You say that you didn't do a Fourth and Fifth Step because you were too afraid and couldn't trust anyone. That didn't work for you, did it? Well, now you can do what does work: You can get a sponsor to help you and take all the actions of the 12 Steps in the Big Book. It's real simple. If you go to meetings and work the Steps you'll gradually get well and have a beautiful life. If you don't, you won't. Hope you'll make the right choice. Blessings and prayers, Mike D.
You can always fifth step with a priest....Point is it has to be done. They're pretty clear about what half measures get us....Nothing. I'm glad you are here though....If you're still breathing....There is always hope.
Hi Brandi,
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Your story sounds very similar to my story...lost many things due to my alcoholism, family members, including my daughter (but that is slowly changing since I have been sober), credit problems, don't drive, nervous around people and was very nervous about going back to AA meetings--again, after relapsing--, hated looking into the mirror because the alcohol had done a number on me too not to mention what it was doing to my insides as well, taking regular showers and even simple things like brushing my hair and teeth became very difficult for me, mental confusion and more. I love being sober because so much of the fear of people part and some of the other things started getting better. I realize that some of the things like credit problems, relationship issues, etc. will take longer to heal/mend and am hoping from what I hear on this board and at the meetings from other members, that they will get better as well as long as I work the steps. I felt so all alone too...not from moving to a different location like you did, but just isolated myself with the drinking. I had to force myself to go to an AA meeting. I was very nervous but thought it is more important for me to try and get help for my drinking problem before it killed me. I tried to keep my mind off of my feeling awkward or embarrassed. I learned before too long that there are a lot of people in AA who were in and out of the rooms twice, three times even more and I wasn't all that different from them after all and I was where I needed to be to get better. I have made some good friends in AA meetings and on this board and am very grateful to have them in my life. I am not nearly as lonely anymore. I never thought my life would change this much in such a short amount of time and look forward to more changes taking place in my life. I just keep praying to my HP every morning and thanking Him for keeping me sober the day before and to please keep me sober "today". That has really helped me. Whenever I get hurt feelings, or feel depressed, I pray to Him for strength and to please not let me be so affected by whatever it is that has me down. This has really really helped me. I come to this board every morning and every night and read postings of others. There is a great book Living Sober (by AA) which gives great tips on staying sober. The chapters are short, easy to read, which is great for me as I can understand them.
You have had longer sobriety than me so maybe you can tell me how you stayed sober that long. 15 months sounds like such a long time to me and I have under 6 months and would love to know how you did it. I just got a sponsor not long ago and haven't worked my fourth step yet and that really scares me. Would love to hear how that went for you.
You have a lot of people who care about you and I hope you come back here to let us know how you are doing.
((((((Huggggssss)))))
Welcome... you're among friends. There is hope to regain it all. I did it and so can you. Just think... our kids never have to remember us drunk when we sober up when they're so little. Mine were 2&5. You can do this.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I used to be motivated to actually do things, was attractive with a good job, now I am a lonely loser who looks and feels like shit all the time.
I try to pray but my thoughts race so constantly (with weird, intrusive thoughts keeping me terrified daily and awake most of each night even though I take a Rx sleep aid) that I never finish. Attention span of a gnat. Binge eating to "try and make it stop." The world seems large, cold, gray, and ultimately too scary to even fathom stepping out into. Did any of you have this type of severe psychological issue? How are you coping with your mental health in recovery? I am aware of PAWS but knowing something intellectually is not nearly enough to change how I feel.
Please drop me some kind of experience, strength, and/or hope. It is too painful to go on like this.
Wow, ... you sound a lot like me ... ... ... after the booze, I went for ho-ho's , ding-dongs, and Ice Cream ... ... ... but as I worked the program, things 'SLOWLY' got better ... as the promises in the BB say ... sometime quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if we work for them ...
I know, all too well, the pain you are having right this minute ... We all do, else we wouldn't be here right this minute ... The mental health recovery you ask about only came to me after I placed faith in a God I had moved away from ... when I invited Him/Her back into my life through this program, I almost immediately got better ... my whole outlook on life improved and I became a 'positive person' rather than the negative guy I'd mostly been before ... ... ...
Welcome Brandi, you're family now ... please post often ... it helps us all ..
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
WE can truly identify and know that it was only a complete 100% 1st STEP,that put us on a daily road to freedom from active addiction. The pain,if we are fortunate enough,eventually outweighs any pleasure,and WE do whatever it takes to remain in sobriety JUST FOR TODAY...In support and prayer...
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Welcome Brandi! It sounds like you're at the jumping off point. The gift of desperation. It doesn't feel like a gift right now, but if you embrace that gift and take a different path, you'll see the gift materialize. There was no recovery for me until I hit that point of desperation. Complete hopelessness. Just my experience. Prior to that, it was half measures in The Program of AA and an unconscious reservation that I would drink again some day. Same thoughts, feelings and behavoir revealed the same results. Change requires risk, stepping from the known into the unknown. We all must change or the pattern will continue.
It's time to surrender and admit that Alcoholism has settled in. Complete surrender. Then ask and follow instructions. When we stop living in the problem and live in the solution, the problem goes away. I actually drank after completing my 4th. step. Nearly killed me. God had other plans. I completed my fifth step the following day. Hungover, fearful, hopeless. Complete incompensible demoralization. I left my Sponsors house with a glimmer of hope and faith. The glimmer propelled me to finish the remaining Steps and the rest if just part of my history. Today, it's maintaining a Spiritual condition on a daily basis. Prayers sent your way that you make it back into the solution.
I did it! Thanks to AA forum support I took action and walked an hour to a meeting... got myself a temporary sponsor and also stayed an hour over to talk to another woman who I really connected with. I don't feel great but I feel MUCH better than yesterday. There's hope again.
Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement, don't think I would have gone if not for coming here first. :)
__________________
We stood at a turning point, and asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
I did it! Thanks to AA forum support I took action and walked an hour to a meeting... got myself a temporary sponsor and also stayed an hour over to talk to another woman who I really connected with. I don't feel great but I feel MUCH better than yesterday. There's hope again.
Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement, don't think I would have gone if not for coming here first. :)
hi Brandi! That really is wonderful news. Thank you so much for writing back again to tell us about this. You just made my day. You never have to drink again if you don't want to. Oh yeah, and you never have to drink again even if you DO want to. Have yourself an awesome sober day, and keep up the great work!
Hi Brandi,
I'm a bit late but I just wanted to share that the awful circumstances you found your self in were the exact same circumstances I was in when I recovered.
It's one of those things I think about when I try and imagine what could possibly happen that would make me drink. If I lost all my friends, my job, my family and my money, and I fell into that morass of self pity and shame, that would put me in the same circumstances where I found it possible to recover.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but what I am trying to say is there has never been so much hope for you as there is today. You are in the best possible position to make a full recovery.
You're alive. You have a beautiful child who loves you. You're intelligent. You're a gifted communicator. You're here in this message board. You have so much to be greatful for. Your future is limitless. I'm not saying that in some BS new agey metaphorical way. You literally could do damn near anything you want to do if you make the right choices. Get sober. Stay sober. Get work. Get your child. Only do things that are good for you. Now does sound so hard?
