This is what Bill Wilson wrote about being at that place you are right now...Page 8 of the Big Book....In Bill's Story.
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
When I read that the first time....It was me also. I was hopeless....Then I saw this AA stuff working in others and I grabbed onto that. You can too...And there are people here and in meetings that are willing to help you.....It's just time to get Into Action...That's all.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 11th of November 2013 06:42:44 PM
I was new to this board a few days ago, I have so little hope. I am at the end of a 4 day mess. I talked to my wife tonight and let her know what I need to do to start to get better. I think I have used the time commitment of AA as an excuse for too long, like I need to be with my family to bring their lives some more chaos, instead of being away from them each night to do what I should be doing, going to meetings and starting to not just sit there, but listen.
I hope this is not just another false hope, I really want help and I want to get better. I have so much self pitty and hate. That is not who I am, this is not who I am. I just want to find the old me again.
I have no answers for why I keep doing this, I just can't stop, the pain is getting to be too much, I don't feel I deserve anything. Can't wait to read this at work tomorrow, what a joke I have become.
God bless you all for your strength, I don't want to have to hit a bottom before I get this.
Start with the Foreward and the Doctor's Opinion....This is a text book with clear-cut directions on how we recover....Treat it like such. Ask questions...Listen to learn. Glad you are here.
I do have the big book, inherited it from my father, he has watched me suffer, he's got 26 years now. I pray for his strength. I hate posting and again being a disappointment to those who want to help. I should just shut up and listen for once and stop trying to sound like I know anything, I don't. I was just going to write what I am going to do, then realized, I should just do it and shut up. I don't want to fail again, and I know there are a lot of people who will help me, if I could just help myself.
Sorry for the ramble, i will try and have hope tonight.
The first thing I had to learn...Was I didn't know shit...That my thinking was what got me where I was to begin with. Then I just had to learn to be teachable....Nobody was going to do this work for me but me. I'm sure it was like that for your dad...And anybody else that's done it....The rewards....A new freedom and a new happiness....And much more than I could have ever imagined...That should give you some hope. It works if you work it.
It wouldn't hurt to ask God...Whatever that may be for you to help you with this...I know I couldn't have done it without that. More will be revealed. And thank Him for another day sober.
I know how disappointing it must feel, especially with all the uncertainty out there, but it does get better over time. We promise. The thing was; I had to suffer through many disappointments myself before sobriety became my utmost priority. But at some point things needed to change. I guess letting go was the hardest part for me and so was getting over myself. But those two things, combined with some good sober advice, got the wheels of rolling for me. The realization; I needed to start living, I mean really living, and not allow the shame of my past get in the way. I had to take a sober timeout, breathe in the clean air of sobriety and then chart a course for a more sober adventure. When I did, something miraculous happened. I stayed sober.
My breath became fragile with awe as I took on my first 'real' sober adventure. There were no more hangovers, no more shame, and certainly no sharp pains pressed against my side. I'm no longer choked by debts or by bad judgments; or saddled with any neurotic fixations that would keep my never ending buzz going. No, that's now been washed away with something more powerful. It's the moment I've always dream't of, where drinking is the last thing on my mind. It's the moment when I was spiritual awoken. And I hope it has a happy ending just for you. onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 12th of November 2013 04:00:40 AM
d willing....
loss of hope, self pity and hating myself are all things I experienced when I was drinking. They never went away until I stopped drinking and started AA. It sounds like you have a plan to help you feel better about yourself and your future and that is great!
d.willing...you're back and you're reaching out... and you're being honest with yourself to us...others...go do that in the face to face rooms and then practice, practice, practice...sit down, shut up, listen, learn, practice (what I was taught when I was a youngster). When I got into the rooms I also heard, "If you keep an open mind you will find help" and that was on my second attempt at learning from these sober and sane people. So I sat and let go of all judgements and defenses and just took what I liked for the moment and left the rest for a later time. (my memory space was very short by then). I also realized what others have said here in response..."the others in the rooms had tools that were working for them and if I wanted what they had all I had to do was ask them for it". Your Dad's got 25 years? Has he got any stuff to give away to you?...go ask. him and others. You can ask here also. You're not alone.
You can get addicted to self pity and remorse also...stop it.
Hi D willing, We've all been in exactly the very same place you're in right now, and we thought our lives were hopeless too. The main reason we're sober now is because we got desperate enough to get honest, open, and willing to do anything it takes to stay sober. I hope you'll take note of how willing people are to help you here in this AA Forum. You'll find the same thing in face-to-face AA meetings as well. You have friends you've never met yet. And, by the way, this forum is one of the best...the people here are very good and have good sobriety. Blessings, Mike D.
Hi D willing, We've all been in exactly the very same place you're in right now, and we thought our lives were hopeless too. The main reason we're sober now is because we got desperate enough to get honest, open, and willing to do anything it takes to stay sober. I hope you'll take note of how willing people are to help you here in this AA Forum. You'll find the same thing in face-to-face AA meetings as well. You have friends you've never met yet. And, by the way, this forum is one of the best...the people here are very good and have good sobriety. Blessings, Mike D.
All great posts, and what Mike D wrote is what keeps me attending AA meetings and come to this board everyday.
Thank you everyone for your support. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest last night I was so anxious, and though its getting a little better I am still in a tough place mentally. I will be going to a meeting tonight after work, and I have talked to my wife about needing to go everyday for a while. She has been supportive and really wants to get our life back... me too. I guess its time to take action and stop the pitty party.
I know I am going to go through a stage of depression for a while, as that is what usually happens. I will just pray that I make the right choices to keep on a path of recovery, my way doesn't work, and it just gets harder and harder. I feel as though my tires are spinning and I can't move forward.
Hopefully getting back to the AA routine will help, I know it did before.
I too, sat on my 'pity pot' for a long long time ... then it occurred to me, I just need to try what the AA'rs were doing to stay sober ... it worked ... and now God is more than a friend, He's my guide through life ...
I cannot add much to what Stepman and others have already said ... go back and reread their comments ... listen and you will hear the solution !!!!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"I too, sat on my 'pity pot' for a long long time"...
Pappy....I sat on mine so long (and still do at times but not nearly as bad..) that mine was overflowing! What a Mess!!
Hey, d_willing, what has also helped me is making coffee for some of the meetings...it has given me a chance to talk to others before meetings and after and feel like I am helping others and I don't have as much time to play my "woe is me" tapes in my head either. I talk to people who have had, still have a lot more problems than me and if I can help them by listening, offering support, etc., I feel so much better!!! Just a suggestion.....
You might want to do something for your wife also with a suggestion "from a friend" to check out the Al-Anon side of this address MIP...She needs the suggestion and then keep going on your own recovery. (((hugs)))
What an awful day, work has been more hectic than usual, but that I believe may be my HP letting me know this is what I get for relapsing, no just sitting around to let my body recover, feel the pain of trying to think all day when you just want to be in bed.
So instead of saying i'll just go to bed early tonight and get to a meeting tomorrow, I will go sit and listen to some other drunks. God knows I need some strength and hope today.
I really need to find some patience, oh how badly I just want some time in sobriety, I feel like I am always back on day one, hurting.
I believe may be my HP letting me know this is what I get for relapsing...
Well, I don't have any more insight into what God is than anybody else does, but I do know that it doesn't serve me well to think of God as some jerk who wants to kick me when I'm down. Some days just suck. And when we stay sober it gets better. Usually a LOT better. Here's hoping you have a better day tomorrow!
So instead of saying i'll just go to bed early tonight and get to a meeting tomorrow, I will go sit and listen to some other drunks. God knows I need some strength and hope today.
I really need to find some patience, oh how badly I just want some time in sobriety, I feel like I am always back on day one, hurting.
God bless
Good for you for going to a meeting when you really didn't feel up to it physically and that is the best way for me to get strength and hope, besides praying to my HP. Hope it made the rest of your day a better one and thank you for posting.
For me ??? ... it was how I was 'thinking' that was the problem ... ... ... when I changed the way I was thinking, I changed my whole 'outlook and attitude' on my very life ... now, it's fun and loving, not something I feel I have to endure ... .. ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am glad that I dragged myself to the meeting last night, the topic was Acceptance which was a perfect topic for me. I didn't have much to offer to the conversation, it was a small meeting so I did speak. Just really good to hear everyone else, and I didn't even leave at the break which I have done in the past.
I feel a little better today, my body is still ridding itself of the poison but much better than yesterday. I do have hope today, so I will not take that first drink and get to another meeting. I think I can do that. Today.
Good for you d willing....I know a lot of the times where I was struggling with a certain issue, that topic would happen to come up by either the speaker, chair, or just "thrown out there" for discussion. Very strange but very much appreciated. I am glad you are feeling better today. That's great news and thank you for sharing.
Good for you...You might want to listen for someone that shares about the solution...That has what you want. I found for myself getting a sponsor and getting busy with stepwork...and hitting lots of meetings didn't leave me enough time to think about drinking....Too much time on my hands wasn't a good place for me to be. And don't be shy about asking your HP for help....It works.
I agree SC, time is the enemy sometimes. My biggest fear are those insane thoughts that are sure to come back, I need to be sure to get the tools to deal with them, and this time put them to good use.
Going to a beginners step meeting tonight, starting to look forward to my meetings again already.
I had a sponsor in the past, probably wasn't the right one. I remember how hard it was to ask. I am worried about that again now, I get the feeling that I am just a burden and they are saying to themselves, crap, why did he ask me. I know that's not true, its just my mind, oh and what a mind it can be.
I think a lot of it has to do with the way you ask....I heard a guy in a couple meetings and all he shared about was the steps...The solution....The Big Book. I went up to him after my third meeting...I didn't just say.."Will you be my sponsor?"...I went up and said to him..."I really like what you shared....Can you take me through those steps as they are laid out in the book?"....I think it showed a little more willingness on my part...His answer..."I'd be honored to."...That was the right answer. Then I had to take responsibility for what I had asked for....I had to do the work. We remain good friends today.
DW, we actually don't know how to teach you to prevent a relapse, and neither does anyone else. For alcoholics of our type there is no "technique" we can master or "knowledge" we can gain that will keep us sober for good. We are beyond human aid.
All of us know how to stop drinking, we've all done it on numerous occasions, and we can share little ideas that might help you stay sober today, and maybe even tomorrow, but our problem was staying stopped. Our human resouces as marshalled by the will, even with a head full of knowledge about our condition, were not sufficient to keep us sober.
Remember the ABCs? God could and would if he were sought. The AA method of recovery involves trying to get our lives on a spiritual path through developing and practicing the 12 steps AS A WAY OF LIFE. If you follow Stepchild's advice and find a sponsor to take you through those steps (as we did) the chances are you will have a spiritual awakening and your life will change forever.
On page 84 (I think) are a list of the tenth step promises, one of which says the drink problem will be removed, it will no longer exist for you. Imagine that, a life so rewarding that alcohol just doesn't seem useful anymore. That's what's waiting for you if you are willing to work for it.
You are right FS, I have tried many times my own way, have stopped for a while and sure enough gave in to the thoughts in my head once again.
I went to a step meeting last night and again didn't have much to say yet, as I shouldn't, but when we read this part of step two, it was talking directly to me. God knows that I have prayed and prayed for him to help me, to no avail.
"Hes sure he still believes in God, but suspects that God doesnt believe in him. He takes pledges and more pledges. Following each, he not only drinks again, but acts worse than the last time. Valiantly he tries to fight alcohol, imploring Gods help, but the help doesnt come. What, then, can be the matter?
To clergymen, doctors, friends, and families, the alcoholic who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking riddle. To most A.A.s, he is not. There are too many of us who have been just like him, and have found the riddles answer."
I am learning for you all and from the meetings that the answer to the riddle is in the steps and making faith a way of life. I think they say it is the quality of faith and not the quantity or something along those lines. I am ready to listen and put in the work.
I see people everyday chant "It works if you work it." at the end of the meeting...Only to walk out the door and not work it. It also says in How It Works that....
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Half measures availed us nothing.
Do you see a common theme there?
And from steps eight and nine...
...Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead."
