Hi BTY, ... Stepman is sooo right ... I really related to his comment: ... "My sponsor had me listen for my first 30 days.... ... ... ... It took the pressure off me to be sitting in meetings thinking about what I was going to say....And missing what I needed to hear. "
Your simple 'presence' at meetings is inspiration to new-comers ... When the time comes, you'll share from the heart and it will be better than good, it'll be great ... I learned to say a prayer before the meetings and asked God to guide my thinking and my 'words' if I were given the opportunity to share on something important ... I prayed that I be given the words that would help others be inspired to work the steps and apply our 'principles' in all our affairs ...
Stepman's quote from the BB is 'spot on' here ... ... ... Great topic and great followup Stepdude ... ... ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Tuesday 5th of November 2013 11:55:26 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Good Morning, I would love to hear how others began to share at meetings. I have been going for several months and although I want to share, I still get too nervous to. I am worried I will say something wrong in my nervousness and/or get tongue tied and get embarrassed. I would really love to be able to possibly help people just coming into the meetings who have less sobriety than I do but as long as I am this way, I can't. Thanks for your input.
(Guess it is so much easier to share on this board because you guys can't see me sweat!)
Good morning BTY....This was my experience with sharing in meetings...It actually comes from a part of the Big Book page 164.
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
My sponsor had me listen for my first 30 days....I was working my fourth step...And did my fifth step with him in that time. And trying to learn as much as I could about AA. It took the pressure off me to be sitting in meetings thinking about what I was going to say....And missing what I needed to hear. I can see now that I really didn't have a whole lot to offer....I hadn't cleared the wreckage of my past...So therefore I couldn't really transmit what I didn't have. What does your sponsor say about it?
I had some suggestions from my first sponsor that helped. One was this: When I heard things in the meeting that really helped, just share a basic 'thanks' with the meeting, saying that I was still new and felt like maybe didn't have a lot to say yet, but that I really liked what I was hearing and thanks you guys for being here and helping me. Then, if I felt like it, I might add something onto that about what I had heard and what it meant for me, like "I really identify with all the stuff I'm hearing about dealing with old friends who still drink" or "I think I got a lot out of what I heard about Step One". The whole point was really just to get into the habit of participating.
The other suggestion was more practical and I think it made the most difference for me - I was told to have at least one or two very small AA meetings in my weekly schedule. Meetings that were so small that it was guaranteed that everyone would have a chance to share before the meeting was over. It made it much easier to open up at first when it wasn't a gigantic meeting, and it prevented me from just hiding out in the back row and trying to look invisible.
And by the way, I have to say that you are already offering some really great AA 'experience strength and hope' to others right here. I just read some comments from you yesterday that were just the best stuff anybody could have offered to a newly sober member. I encourage you to participate in the meetings by sharing. It will be great for you as well as the people who will benefit from hearing you.
I like how you copy and paste information from the BB for us here. How did you get a word document of the BB? I have one in Adobe, but you can't copy and paste.
I just copy and paste from this...It's a great Big Book online...You can search words...Exact phrases..And it will take you where each step can be found. Good stuff.
Thanks for your share it took me along time to share in meetings. I was grateful to be in meetings and identifying with others experience strength and hope and felt so much better to have found the solution in AA. Public speaking had never n been part of my life and being openly honest about myself was not something I did either. Eventually with the help of a kind sponsor and trust in my higher power i started to gradually share and felt good for doing so.
My first meeting was 2 weeks ago. I was a mess and had not planned on saying anything. As it turned out I did share. One of the old timers told me it was good I shared. He said I could share as much of myself or as little but to take my time.
I am not the type of person to put myself out there so I have surprised even myself with saying anything, but I find that it helps. There is so many years of sobriety in that room with so much knowledge and help. Take your time. Listen to what they have to share it is really helpful.
It took a long time for me to share in meetings, firstly because of fear and also because my mental state was so low I could barely string a sentence together. The chap who 12 stepped me told me I didn't have to share if I didn't want to and that took all the pressure away.
As it turns out, listening did me a whole lot more good. I did not believe the program would work for me and was amazed when my sponsor told me I was 3 months sober. My listening picked up how important prayer and the steps are and it was the work I did away from the meetings and with my sponsor that saw the obsession lifted at about the three month mark.
When I did get around to sharing I found I had a little experience, strength and hope to share about how this program was working for me. There were good things happening almost everyday so I often had something positive to share. I also used to share about parts of the program I did not understand and this always brought enlightening responses, sometimes too many!
Though I did not realize it at the time, our AA meetings had a large "therapy" aspect to them which was not part of the program and often the meeting would get on the idea of fixing someone's outside issue, like their relationship, or their car. I tried this once or twice but found for me, a problem (of this nature) shared, is a problem doubled.
It became apparent through my 4th and 10th steps that I often looked for sympathy and suffered from a lot of self pity when things didn't go my way. My sponsor taught me to take these things to him, and ultimately to the God of my understanding, as neither he, nor anyone else in AA, actually knew what path my life should take in respect of all life's issues. He taught to rely on infinite God, rather that finite people.
Thank you all for your responses and great ones at that! I am exhausted right now--finally getting my motivation back to work and trying to earn some moolah so I haven't been able to check out this board as much as I want to, but will respond more in depth to some of the suggestions tomorrow a.m. I am turning into a pumpkin....thanks again and lots of ((((((hugs)))))). You all are great!
Good Morning, I am always amazed to read what others post or to hear in meetings what sounds like it could be "me" writing or saying (errr, that is if I have had the nerve to "say" much of anything at meetings) especially about the afraid people will laugh, being nervous, wondering what to say and not being able to focus on what is being said (I'm so guilty of that one, then I think after the meeting, darn I missed a lot of great shares because I was so preoccupied about if and what I would share). We have a couple of meetings I attend that have time allotted for new members to share. These are the meetings I feel bad for not sharing, and have even had a couple of oldtimers telling me that I should have shared and that they expected me to share. At one meeting, after there was silence during this time a member said (in an impatient voice) that there must be something one of us could share. That made me clam up even more by her tone.
I have been to a couple of meetings where a new member....I think he had only a few days of sobriety....was worried about drinking again and was told by an oldtimer to "shut up and listen". It was said very loudly and abruptly. The same person that said this said it at another meeting to a newcomer who shared. It made me feel very sad for the newcomer and it was like it was said to me, because I really took it personally for some reason. I have also been to meetings where newcomers were told to "Take the cotton out of their ears and put it in their mouths" when they shared. Now I realize that some of the newcomers get rather lengthy and there is only so much time in each meeting. I think it is because they are so filled with so many emotions, and probably some relief at being able to attend an AA meeting and try to seek help for their alcoholism, that the words just spill out. When I do decide that I am ready to share I have been telling myself that I have to be very conscientious of the three minute timeframe which is noted by the chair in some of the meetings. Also I have noticed that when people are sharing (not just newcomers, but others) sometimes people look at one another, roll their eyes, sigh, and God forbid if I notice that happening when I share because it will probably be a long time where I work up enough courage to do that again for a long time. I realize that I am ultra-sensitive to what others think of me and hopefully by working the steps, this won't be a problem in the future for me. My sponsor said that I will know when I am ready to share. I have loved just being able to listen to others share their experiences about their sobriety and learning everything I can about staying sober until that happens, as a lot of you said that is what you did early in your sobriety.
I love your suggestions guys and gals and Pappy, will remember what you said and use it myself..... "I learned to say a prayer before the meetings and asked God to guide my thinking and my 'words' if I were given the opportunity to share on something important ... I prayed that I be give n the words that would help others be inspired to work the steps and apply our 'principles' in all our affairs ... Stepman's quote from the BB is 'spot on' here ... .."
and Zoomtopz...thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that member had a turn-around in his demeanor, but eeewwww...a little too much info for me and I must say that at last night's meeting, I started thinking about what you said and couldn't make eye contact with hardly any guys in there because, well...eeewwwww. :) (big grin)
Again, thanks everybody...really great responses and I feel better about this subject.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 06:25:39 AM
Xexe ... I didn't want to share and all day before meeting I was thinking what to tell at a meeting and after all my thinking i didnt share anything. :D:D:D:D I didnt share much in my first 3 months. It helped to listen more. I had fears - what all will think of me, i will make mistake in my words and so on. And I am the youngest there. And all will lough at me. And i was thinking about me all the time. And once, one alcoholic came to me and tell me with rude voice - "Stop thinking about yourself!!! Now you can help older members! Just talk!" At first i hated her. But after that i started to share, talking about my experience. After that i started to (i dont know if its right word) to chair meeting. And all that problems with sharing are in past. Now, sometimes i had troubles with it, too. But i've already know where and what to search for. You know - person, who I want to like me for example, and i am afraid of what he will think about me ... ordinary things. But now its funny. Don't worry, it wont be always like this.
I had a guy early on...He told me to carry the message....Not the mess. Nobody wants to hear my problems...And I don't want to hear theirs to be honest. I like to hear about the solution....I like to talk about the solution....Where is that? In the book...If I can keep my message along these lines....Maybe one guy or girl...Will get it. Who knows?.....At least it gives them a place to look. See if you can see a message here.
Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.
pg 89
To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book.
Foreward
Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered.
pg 29
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.
pg 45
If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking -"What do I have to do?"
It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically. We shall tell you what we have done.
pg 20
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
pg 24
If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
pg 25
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
pg 58
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.
pg 58
We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may have seemed to lecture. If that is so we are sorry, for we ourselves don't always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based upon experience, some of it painful. We had to learn these things the hard way. That is why we are anxious that you understand, and that you avoid these unnecessary difficulties.
We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
pg 85
How do we keep in fit spritual condition?....We do what steps 10. 11 and 12 tell us to do...One day at a time.
It's too bad we have ceased fighting anyone or anything because those men who bark 'pull the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth' or 'shut up and listen' could use a swift kick to the neck LOLOL. You wont hear that insensitive mean garbage in woman's meetings ;) The thing is - no one here knows what's best for you exactly. We aren't here to play God and tell people when to speak like we're training puppies. I happen to believe it is God's grace that I'm sober. That I would do whatever it took to seek out sobriety no matter if someone kicked me in the neck - 13th stepped me - told me to shut up - called me names - set rules on me which I broke etc etc etc. I wanted the spiritual solution, and nothing was going to stop me from getting it. Most of this stuff happened to me in my short time here. Much of it while I was newly sober. Point is - If you're ready to share on day one then do it, and trust that this was the way God set it out for you. If you look back on it with dismay - oh well - live and learn. If people role their eyes - oh well - you're already better off than them at one month, or where ever you are in your sobriety I'm not sure - then they get to be - but they have the right to recover at their own pace in God's time too. What they think of you is none of your business, and has nothing to do with you, it has to do with them. You make good choices for YOU and leave everyone else in God's hands dearest one.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 10:31:28 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There are two ways to look at that Tasha....They tell us in the book at the end of steps ten and eleven....
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. pg 84
I had just started working my fourth step....And I was willing to let my sponsor supply the discipline until I had my spiritual awakening as a result of those steps. I was more than ready to shut up and listen....I think if he told me I had to stand on my head in the corner of the meeting I would have done it. He didn't let me down telling me not to share...I needed that. He told me to call him every night...I called him every night...I guess it was a good lesson for me to see clearly that my way didn't work....And I was going to give it my all to doing it their way....I was seeing living proof that their way worked everyday.....That was enough for me.
I totally agree with Tasha. I love it when newcomers share. It tells me what it's like out there.
As long as you share from the heart, you can't go wrong. Honestly, I appreciate people sharing about their struggles just as much as I do as people sharing about the solution. My first really honest share, in which I talked about what a hard time I was having and how awful I felt, led to me meeting my sponsor and also led to a number of people coming up to me and saying 'thank you. That's how I am feeling, too.' Go with your HP/you gut. You can't go wrong.
I have only passed 2 times in nearly 2 years. Once was because I was cranky and didn't feel like saying anything lol, and the other time was because I had dragged myself to a meeting after finding out about my daughters abuse and I couldn't choke anything out and I was worse off than day 1 - 19 when all I did was squeak and rant like a hyena. Sometimes my shares resembled a barking seal. It went back and forth there for a few weeks but it was nothing like human speaking I'll tell you that much. There were so many tears there was a box placed next to me the second I entered the room! Do I regret it? No. It's the way God set it out for me. Do I look back and feel embarrassed? Well... it's tempting, but that is not a reflection of how the God of my understanding wants me to treat me. So I shant. Simple as that.
I like when newcomers share to this day also. My sponsor said "it's the cheapest entertainment you can get for a buck". I have come to disagree. It actually saves me money. I have unplugged my cable TV because it's all reality tv shows anyway. A penny saved is a penny earned my grandpa always used to say ;)
All the love in my heart to all of you my family of choice.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It's too bad we have ceased fighting anyone or anything because those men who bark 'pull the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth' or 'shut up and listen' could use a swift kick to the neck LOLOL. You wont hear that insensitive mean garbage in woman's meetings ;) The thing is - no one here knows what's best for you exactly. We aren't here to play God and tell people when to speak like we're training puppies. I happen to believe it is God's grace that I'm sober. That I would do whatever it took to seek out sobriety no matter if someone kicked me in the neck - 13th stepped me - told me to shut up - called me names - set rules on me which I broke etc etc etc. I wanted the spiritual solution, and nothing was going to stop me from getting it. Most of this stuff happened to me in my short time here. Much of it while I was newly sober. Point is - If you're ready to share on day one then do it, and trust that this was the way God set it out for you. If you look back on it with dismay - oh well - live and learn. If people role their eyes - oh well - you're already better off than them at one month, or where ever you are in your sobriety I'm not sure - then they get to be - but they have the right to recover at their own pace in God's time too. What they think of you is none of your business, and has nothing to do with you, it has to do with them. You make good choices for YOU and leave everyone else in God's hands dearest one.
Thanks for posting, Tasha. I heard that "what people think of me is none of my business" quote a few months ago and forgot it....thank you for reminding me of that. I have been able to tune out people who I think may be talking, staring, snubbing, etc. me at the meetings and that to me is a miracle in itself because I have been that way (paranoid, sensitive, self-absorbed, perhaps dumb??) since grade school and have let it affect my emotions, moods so much in the past. So I should be able to do it whenever I share as well. And of course people will be looking at me then because I will be the one talking, so I cannot get paranoid especially then. :)
I have been wondering about sharing for a good while, and what really prompted me to post this is after I went to a meeting where someone who has right under a year of sobriety time shared what a difficult time he was having and that he craved a drink almost everyday, several times a day. This person has shared before in meetings about his difficulties staying sober, and this last time he sounded more upset. I cannot recall him ever mentioning having a sponsor or working the steps. After I got back home I mentally kicked myself for not at least going up to the person after the meeting and talking. He just looked so sad.
If you are not sharing because you are "afraid" then you need to share. If you are not sharing because you don't feel like it or have nothing you want to say at that moment, that's another story. Everything I have done in AA was scary the first time. I was nervous to read How it works. Then I was nervous to hand out the chips. Then actually chairing a meeting.... How did I get "un-nervous"? By doing it. Now I work in a rehab and lead groups for like 28 grouchy/needy patients daily. Learning to speak in public in an honest and thoughtful way is a skill worth developing.
We come to AA to grow and change and it is a safe place to do so. So for whatever you are afraid of....AA will help you get over it. It's about so much more than not drinking.
I was also told to just share from my heart and I couldn't go wrong.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Boy, this could go so many different directions here ... after thousands of meetings, I can only add this ... it is important, I think, for new-comers to share early on ... but only enough to direct the group to specifically address what they need help with at the moment ... but there are some that get involved with ranting about their husband or wife not putting the toilet paper in the right position, or how they had a flat tire that sent them into orbit, or how their children just won't listen to them, and on and on about the daily trials we all go through ... they get way off base with what alcohol has to do with their emotions ... Then you have new-comers with 30 days sober sharing advice like they have 10 years sober ...
The point I'm trying to make is this ... the chairperson should carefully monitor the meeting and keep it on the subject of alcohol's effect on our lives and the solution needed to recover from this particular malady ... when someone shares too many details of what they are going through, many times this is best left to share with the sponsor ... the whole group doesn't need all the gory details, the group needs to teach and show the solution to the drinking problem, then all the 'other stuff' will fix itself if we live in the solution ...
So there is merit to the old 'cotton' thingy, some say 'god' ... Good - Orderly - Direction ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You have a lot of compassion and love in your heart bty. Pinky is right... sharing and getting over your nerves takes practice. I love newcomers they are the most important people in the room. If I do not want to listen to peolpe with an open heart I may as well drink. No way.. that can't work for me... love can.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It was my experience that for a long time I thought I knew better than God and made lots of plans and ideas about how things should actually be as a result. At some point I was graced to see things differently, and trust that God knows best and has things as they are supposed to be. If I get courage to change what I can (me) it is because I've asked the help of HP.
I don't know better than God anymore - in fact - that was the issue that drove me to drink most of the time. Constant disappointment and the inability to control my surroundings. Turns out - that wasn't my job in the first place, no one asked me or appointed me God of the meetings. I always have a choice to have faith or not have faith in Him. I didn't have that before working the steps and living the principles of this program as best I can - so I'm very grateful today that I get to be in a meeting at all.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 8th of November 2013 01:18:53 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Pappy, I hear what you are saying about ones who go on and on and I find myself sitting there thinking to myself, "yeah, that's not so great, and sorry you are going through that, but what does that have to do with alcoholism?" Then there are some who I think really wanted to be comedians and they crack joke after joke and some of these go on for 10 minutes or so and make hardly any reference about their sobriety and alcohol. Usually these are ones who frequently share at meetings, which cuts into a lot of time. And quite a few of these have been oldtimers. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I get a little frustrated hearing about every little thing your teenager did that po'd you that day and I am glad some have found laughter in their lives but there is only so much time for sharing in meetings and I'd really like to get to the meat on the bone on how they are staying sober and I can watch Seinfeld repeats if I want 10 minutes or more of jokes. I do try to tell myself to turn these things into learning experiences and once I do start to share,I need to try and stay on topic and keep it simple and short.
And I have heard several newcomers come in and ramble on and on about their sobriety, telling everyone else what they need to do and how their lives are "changed" only to not show up after a handful of meetings. One of these people came in to the meeting and kept hanging onto the chair, talking to herself, rocking back and forth, and I wondered if she was either drunk or on some kind of drug. She actually shared and went on and on slurring as she talked about how important her "sobriety" is to her. I took that opportunity to get another cup of coffee and took my time doing so, because it was heartbreaking seeing someone attend an AA meeting like that and monopolize so much of the meeting in that condition. That was a few weeks ago, and she hasn't been back. I worry about these people and how they are doing. It does make me realize that I have been and easily could be one of them unless I keep daily and frequent tabs on myself and my own sobriety to prevent that from happening again.
This board is different and we have a lot more time to express ourselves and read what others share, and we can always hit the back button if we don't want to read posts (mine included), but unless we walk out of meetings, which isn't so cool a thing to do, we are pretty much stuck there.
Hi BTY52, I just read your comment a couple of posts above this one and I gotta say you are really developing some healthy attitudes and outlooks about these things and your comment shows a lot of insight. How we deal with others who take up meeting time with long lists of trivial complaints, or an off-topic comedy routine with a captive audience, or a person who may be either drunk or mentally ill (which can be very difficult and painful to watch) is a pretty important issue, and your post really covered it well.
It's all in our attitude. When faced with these annoying or unpleasant scenarios it is sometimes so easy for us to just cop a resentment towards others or the entire meeting, or pass judgment in a way that just feeds our egos, and miss the opportunity for personal growth or even worse - the opportunity to help the still suffering alcoholic. I've been sober for 24 years, still attending meetings regularly, and I need a reminder about these things from time to time just as much as anyone. Thanks, and keep up the good work.
davep12and12,
And thank you! It is by reading yours and other postings, that has helped me try and change my attitude and try to make positives out of things I could only see negatives. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I am amazed at the crap that floods my brain and how judgmental and cynical that I can be at times. I am hoping that by working the steps with my sponsor, I will be able to overcome a lot of my negativity about certain situations. For now, I just try to catch myself and have started to pray to my HP for help in this area as in many others.
With those I have sponsored, I asked them to really focus on listening. Not to think about a reply, just be nice and calm, and listen. And then we would chat about the meeting afterwards as long as needed.
My first sponsor asked me to take notes. So I wrote little notes in a pad during meetings after people shared.
I go to lots of meetings with no real regard for the meeting type, study, newcomer, speaker... Whatever.
I have Benin meetings where newer people ramble a bit. I feel like they need to do it to feel a part of things sometimes. Feeling a part of the thing is important. But long shares by those with not much to give away can 'seem' annoying, but are they? I'm not a moderator of AA. People get what they need from a meeting. And sometimes seeing a person floundering that is not working the steps and constantly picking up a drink is exactly what someone in the meeting needs to see. The pain and suffering of alcohol is right there waiting on me, so is the dry drunk feeling of not working the program.
So for me, sharing at meetings is a step in the right direction. The exact time and and place are up to the person. The concept of focusing on hearing what is being said is a good idea to me. I have noticed women in general like to talk earlier on. I feel like women like to talk more all the time! And bless them for it :)
I'm just glad a new person is coming in, and taking things seriously. It is your own life to save, so do whatever it takes to save your own ass.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
"I feel like women like to talk more all the time! And bless them for it :)"......
LOL, soberstrummer....talking about having a healthy attitude....
and on behalf of the women who do talk more (and me being guilty of that myself), I thank you for your patience :)
