I hope this post will not offend anyone, if it does, please forgive me in advance. But, as alcoholics no one should be shocked
I'm 10 months sober, have what I call good recovery, a good sponsor, work the steps, have done mu 5th all ready. I was in a 3 yr relatioship with a man (ill call him bill) who did not love me and had no intention of commiting to me he was always honest about this. we parted right after I came into AA. I have recently started seeing another man (ill call him bob) and I believe it is what my sponsor would call a "real relationship with another person". with bill I was always plotting and planning HOW I would get him, even had planned how i would have his house remodled when i moved in. with the bob i do not plot anything or worry when i dont see him and so forth. heres the problems, i have recently worried i traded the obession for the drink for the obsession of naughtiness, i have become preoccupied with sex with bob. i re-discovered i like taking pictures, visiting porn sites and sex forums - not with him, but alone and I want to send him some of my pix. bob is the worst when it comes to physically pleasing me and hes shy. i always enjoyed a healthy somewhat advernterous sex life with my other ex's (one husband, 1 other boyfriend) and bob just is not doing it for me. now the problem gets bigger; bill wants to resume our past relationship, (it was as I see it now all almost about sex and i used this for trying to lure him). i am not in a commited relationship with bob at this point. i care for him and see him like i said as being a healthy relationship and possible future with him. but i miss the good sex. i am considering resuming my relationship with bill just for this purpose. he enjoys the pix and is very adventerous and satisfying to me. and he knows about bob
am i setting myself up for a relapse? is it possible to have a booty call and know that is all it is? don't normal people have relationships just for the purpose of sex? am i fooling myself when i think there could be a future with bob? am i subconsciencely all ready sabotaging my relationship with bob?
please dont suggest i talk to my sponsor. i do not wish to do this yet that is why i am here.
neither man is alcoholic by the way. and i am well over 40 yrs old.
I think, if you re-read your post, you have already answered your own questions.
The question I have for you is; Why do you avoid facing yourself and continue creating caos in your life and reaking havoc in the life of at least one other innocent person. ( the one who hasn't a clue about your games. )
why so hostile chrisb? sure, chaos, dont all drunks feel more at ease this is what were used to and its not a game. im being honest here. this is what is going on in my life. theres no one innocent here. bob has not commited to me, nor i to him. i AM facing myself. that's why the hell im here asking these questions
well.. people who are addicts are often addicted to more than one thing. We just tend to want more and more and more of whatever it is,, and get really obsessed by it untill it gets our lives out of balance, but we are so addicted we really don't care.
Chris was being honest. Maybe he didn't say what you wanted to hear. It does seem that bob may stand to get hurt here,,, committed or not. but then really,,, you seem to have a clue that maybe you're going to get yourself ripped off here too.
You have been in recovery for 10 months and are on the 5th Step. That can be a time when a person in recovery is still kind of not steady,, and some experts recommend not getting into new committments romantically,, just because we are liaable to make decisions we might later regret. So it is good that you are trying to think about it first, instead of being impulsive.
I have to admit that in my active days,, I had one partner,, but both of us were getting as high as we could on alcohol, drugs, and sex. Sex can be a real high.. lots of endorphins.. and it can be addicting. I kept going back to that man mostly for sex,, even though I knew that the relationship itself was not good for me. Did you ever see the movie '9 1/2 weeks'? I think that is the name of it. It is how a woman starts out all innocent and naive,, and gets 'trained' till she finds herself doing things she never imagined she would do. Then she tries to leave. I won't tell you the end.
How are you on Step 2?
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I say be honest with both and do not commit yourself. I also think that what happens in the bed room between two people is just between the two (or n your case three). Sex is a heathly thing and having fun with it is great. This bob (or is it bill) who is not making you feel like a woman in bed is not a furture. You will regret it if you further involved with him if he does not fullfill your ideas of what sex should be. I personally do not like porn,it's not natural and I know that people can become addicted to it,so lay off the porn,sit down and think: One it's not healthy to go back to a relationship that did not work and two, it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that does not fullfill you. You said get real to Chris,so I think that applys to you too. There are other fish in the sea,but please becareful! Lots of AIDS and other STDs out there. Anyway, my idea of a future is that there is love as well as sex. Also it's normal to look at if the person is steady in the mind (not that I am LOL),and in the job market,just make sure you are too. You can apply the program to this problem in the steps and slogans. It does sound like you are powerless over relationships right now,so pray about it and be true to yourself and be kind to others in dealing with them.
Well at least you're open and honest. LOL I don't necessarily agree that you need another program to deal with your situation. Sex is just another direction we often take as a release in early sobriety. You said you have a good sponsor and I would use her a lot at this point in your sobriety. I'm sure you'll get a lot of opinions on an open forum like this , if that's what you're after that's ok. I'd deal with my sponsor and put my faith in the person who's trying to help you through the steps, sounds like you're ready to keep moving forward.
I personally can't offer any "experience" however I can re-assure you there is always hope as long as you are trying to work your program as you've stated. Maybe you need to pray about this. I'm praying for you. And I'm glad you posted here, keeps me in the "know" there are real folks out there. Thank you for reminding me why I will stay sober yet one more day.
It is recommended that we always change our playmates, maybe this is a test. We are told the longer we stay sober, the more will be revealed to us.
Love and hugs,
Doll
(amanda, 9 1/2 weeks??? Whoa, what a movie!! )
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
If you live in a populated area, you can check out the "Sex and love Addicts" 12 step meetings, they also have a 12 step book on same,spells it all out.
It is primarily groups of men and women who are in other 12 step programs, that can not get a handle on their sexually addictions.
They talk about it openly, where they place sex in front of AA, in front of their relationship to God, and learn how to gradually "turn it over".
I don't have any first hand knowledge, but I had a friend, in the San Francisco Bay Area, that went to Overeaters Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts, and AA programs, he told me he had way more than just an addiction to Alcohol. He seemed to get a lot of all of the meetings, was very committed to getting better, and over the years, he changed so much.
At first I thought he was just a meeting "Junkie", but watching the changes that went on in his life, saw him change very profoundly. He ended up just going to AA meetings, working the steps, with his sponsor.
He told me once that his life was spinning out of control, with Cocaine, Sex with whoever seemed the hottest at the time, messed up his life with his wife, who left him, and continued this pattern for several years, gained a lot weight, kept going on his 3 addictions, until he crashed. An when hit that bottom, said AA was not enough for him, he was too sick in those other areas.
If you want to get control of yourself, (and it sounds like you do) it would not hurt to check it out you would be able to tell in just one or two meetings, if you fit in, or not. or just go to a book store and check out the book.
For myself, when I stopped drinking, I could see my big problem was in my Thinking, that was the problem that need to be addressed, and worked on that for several years, and it did begin to change. The Miracle of this program is that with great effort and a desire to get honest, we actually can begin living from our hearts, not our heads, and what a relief that is. But I needed a lot of God intervening, in almost every area of my live.
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