Hi everyone. Perhaps you're somewhat like me. Honesty about myself was not my strong point way back in my past. Truth was always my greatest fear. Oh, I claimed to be honest, but I wasn't. I had no idea how dishonest I really was until I did a Fourth Step inventory. However, honesty gradually became a working part of my life at Step Four, and it continued to grow as I proceeded through the next five Steps.
Today, I've found that my level of honesty is directly connected to how closely I inventory myself at Step 10 each day. Once I got to the Tenth Step, I realized that I'd developed a keen eye for the kinds of mistakes I'd usually made in the past, and it became easier to see what's really going on with me in the present. When I was feeling fearful, or resentful, or a little bit guilty, I immediately knew why. And, I knew exactly what to do about it. I soon became aware of my personal trouble-spots, and when trouble happened, I could see the cause and quickly knew how to fix it. Blaming others for my troubles soon became a thing of the past as I tried to pursue honesty.
As I set out to work Step Ten each day, I learned more about my weaknesses, and I learned more about my strengths. I found out that I'm not as bad as I once was. And, I found that I'm not as good as I wish I were. But, I had to admit that I was becoming a far better person than I ever was. I'm not perfect, and never will be. I'm simply God's child and I'll always be developing and growing and getting better each and every day. I'm definitely a "work-in-progress" and God isn't finished with me yet. But, as I continue to honestly inventory myself each day, I continue to grow a little more every day. Through working a Tenth Step every day, honesty has become my life-line that leads to a happy life.
I'm hoping that many of you will share your experience with honesty and Step Ten. It always helps me to hear how honesty has impacted others.
Honesty ??? ... When I started working the steps, it dawned on me that I had been 'conning' myself for a long time ... in my past I constantly had to 'justify' my actions to myself ... I made up what I called 'reasons' for doing the things I did regardless of who I hurt along the way ... that way, I didn't feel so bad ... before AA, I actually lost the ability to 'reason' anymore (my thinker was broken) ... my whole life had become a lie ... I believe I had died on the inside, not knowing the 'real from the false' ...
Today is soooo different ... step 10 for me has become 'automatic' so to speak ... it's like a 'reflex' ... I still goof up once in a while, but now I'm better able to see it and then immediately address the situation, no matter what it involves ... I know now, if I don't practice step 10, then little issues can become big ones ... and why allow that to happen if you don't have to ? ... to me it's a choice I am better able to make today ... it makes for a tidy 'my side of the street' kinda deal ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Honestly - I don't know if I'm even in it far enough to have discovered all the ways in which I do and have lied to myself. Patience and faith that a HP will work this out in my life is good enough for TODAY : ) Thanks so much for the thought provoking post!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hi Tasha & Pappy, I remember when I got my 6 month A.A. sobriety chip. There was an inscription on it that said, "To thine own self be true". When I first read that, I mistakenly thought it meant something like "Always take care of yourself...". That's how sick I still was at the time. However, by the time I got my 2 year chip and had worked the Steps, I finally realized that it meant, "Don't ever lie to yourself." Once I saw the inscription so differently, I knew something had drastically changed inside me. Thank you both for your replies, Blessings....Mike D.
Oh wow Mike, ... your comment reminds me of ME ... LOL ... I went through that same process ... like I said in a different thread, my 'thinker' was broken and it took a little while to come to know this as fact ... thank God for this program and people like you and Tash and everyone else here ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Great post Mike D....I think when I came through the doors of AA....It was like my brain was divided into two companies....One company manufactured bullshit...And the other company bought it. Honesty was not one of of my finer traits. Clearing up the wreckage of my past....Identifying my charactor defects...Asking God to remove them...Then making a conscientious effort to work on them when they do crop up....And righting my wrongs...(Steps 4 through 9)....Changed the way I viewed honesty....Closed both companies so to speak. And as the directions for step 10 say...
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.
These are things that all my life...When they cropped up...I would drink them away....That was my solution. I'm much happier with my new solution...I find it hard to be dishonest...When the prayer I use the most is for knowledge of God's will for me...Thy will not mine be done....I've found that saying that many times throughout the day...I don't have the thought of what can I lie about next?...Or what am I going to drink tonight?....It's just not there. It's kind of hard to do those steps and not change....Those steps were the first honest thing I did in my life.
Hi Stepchild, I still can't stop laughing about your line regarding the "two companies". LOL LOL LOL Hope you won't mind if I borrow it once in a while, because those same two companies certainly existed inside me. I think there is nothing more inspiring to me than talking heart to heart with another alcoholic. It's always so amazing to discover just how alike we are. Thanks for your input. Blessings, Mike D.
Hi Stepchild, I still can't stop laughing about your line regarding the "two companies". LOL LOL LOL Hope you won't mind if I borrow it once in a while, because those same two companies certainly existed inside me. I think there is nothing more inspiring to me than talking heart to heart with another alcoholic. It's always so amazing to discover just how alike we are. Thanks for your input. Blessings, Mike D.
LOL, this post is great, thank you, all of you. and i am going to steal " my brain was divided into two companies....One company manufactured bullshit...And the other company bought it." such a great way to acknowledge my buying into my own B.S. great share, it got me thinking real good. hugs, jj/sheila
The program was a great bright spot and foot light to the stage of my life and I got to sit in the audience with my sponsor watching the play. He asked me if I wanted to go to the stage play and I said "no" because I believe that my horrible life was the result of everyone else. I had protected my ego and pride so very well that I had not and would not take responsibility for anything...so there I was finally sitting in the audience and reading the script of the one person I had lived my whole life as and didn't know anything about. I didn't know what denial mean't or any of the other program descriptions for thoughts, feelings and behaviors that plagued my life unknowingly at the result of my own choices. I blamed and justified incessantly until I came to understand and then I was horrified with the truth. Today I can pretty well nod at any metaphor which is mentioned to describe the participation and then I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what everyone in the room was talking about. I learned that I pretty well had convoluted my value system and I learned that I had built justifications for doing that which were high contrast rock solid. As I get more time in recovery the 10 step is quickest and best for checking my progress during my daily basis. Sometimes my amends process may include God and then God and others yet what is most important is how fast I do it once I've found out that it is needed. I don't do well with guilt or shame or the awareness that I am now very transparent...You know...when another looks at your outer condition and asks..."What's going on"? Mahalo HP, AA, MIP. (((hugs)))
I am so new to all of this but one thing I have realized is what an accomplished lier I am. I too put my brain in two seperate places. I have in the past tried to justify my lies by telling myself I lie because I had too. If I tell the truth everyone will hate me for the bad things I have done. My husband is a yeller and if I tell the truth he is going to yell so if I lie I won't have to listen to him. I am realizing in the short time that I have been attending AA that I have to face the music. If he yells I have to live with what I have done and all I can do is fix me.
I can't get to a meeting today car trouble so this board has become my safe haven. Thank you all for being here reading all of your post helps so much.
What you just admitted Marie was a 'hard pill' for me to swallow too ... but I know now that it was necessary, for me to grow in a 'spiritual' nature ... I saw it as an opportunity to take a step in getting rid of the old me which I had come to hate, with a passion ... As much as it pained me to look at my past lies to others, the biggest hurdles I had to get over were recognizing the lies I had told myself ...
When we put into action, the working of the steps in AA, we learn to become the change in our world that we wish to see ... and alcohol has no place there anymore ... by step 10, you'll have gotten 'over the hump' that holds you back from the 'peace and serenity' that we all seek to have in our lives ... great start, smart start !!!
God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey...does that mean I can steal it too?? I don't think we really "steal" good quotes in A.A., we just keep them long enough to pass them along to our friends. From one thief to another, I'll pass it on with your permission. LOL! Blessings, Mike D.
Hi Marie, hey we're all really glad you're here with us on the board. These folks are great people.....always willing to help in every way and give support and encouragement. If you're new to this deal, you'll soon come to love all of them. Soooo....you say that you're "an accomplished liar"? Well my friend, join the club. In my past, I was too. You're in good company. Before sobriety, all of us were accomplished liars, because the nature of the disease we have is that it lies to us. Of course, in the process of our recovery we all finally discovered through the Steps that honesty is our solution to living sober happy lives. Here's one of the biggest things I discovered in working the Steps: The Truth does not hurt! The Truth heals. Blessings to you, Mike D.
I am so new to all of this but one thing I have realized is what an accomplished lier I am. I too put my brain in two seperate places. I have in the past tried to justify my lies by telling myself I lie because I had too. If I tell the truth everyone will hate me for the bad things I have done. My husband is a yeller and if I tell the truth he is going to yell so if I lie I won't have to listen to him. I am realizing in the short time that I have been attending AA that I have to face the music. If he yells I have to live with what I have done and all I can do is fix me.
I can't get to a meeting today car trouble so this board has become my safe haven. Thank you all for being here reading all of your post helps so much.
It's amazing how alike we all are...Isn't it? I'm glad you're here Marie...Something tells me you're in the right place....
"Vigorously we commenced this way of living AS we cleaned up the past" Why did they write that in the intro to step 10?
Remembering that alcoholism is a three pronged disease, physical, spiritual and mental, I consider that I was mentally ill when I came to AA. I brought with me a head full of warped thinking and I was totally unaware of it. My actions and reactions to life were abnormal, based in the fact that I was living in a constant state of fear that my base instincts would not be satisfied.
What this meant was that although I was now attending meetings and making a start on the steps, I was very prone to making new mistakes even before I had cleaned up the old ones, and these new mistakes were the very things that could trip me up and lead me back to drink. Putting aside the fact that it is essential to clean up the past if one wants to stop for good, it was just as essential for me to try and grasp and develop a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty TODAY, AT ONCE, IMMEDIATELY.
Having myself lost the ability to reason and think, to see cause and effect, my sponsor stepped in and lent me his reasoning power. Very early in my recovery he and I were working through step 10 and each day he helped me identify mistakes and suggested how I might put things right. Through step 10 he saved my life, and taught me this new and wonderful way of life, AS I cleaned up the past.
"Vigorously we commenced this way of living AS we cleaned up the past" Why did they write that in the intro to step 10?
That's where we started to live honestly...Cleaned up the past = Steps 4 - 9
Step 10 - 12 are where we continue to grow spiritually...Spiritual progress.
It goes on to say...
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.(Step 4) When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.(Steps 6 & 7) We discuss them with someone immediately(Step 5) and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.(Steps 8 & 9)
So Step 10 is a continuation of steps 4 through 9...Done on a daily basis. If done thoroughly...There would be no need to "redo the steps"...We are living them everyday. Step 1 and 2...If done correctly...Only have to be done once...Step 11 we get our marching orders from the decision we made in step 3. Step 12...We practice this in everything we do...And tell the sick and suffering it works. Pretty simple huh?
When are we done?
This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.
Hey...does that mean I can steal it too?? I don't think we really "steal" good quotes in A.A., we just keep them long enough to pass them along to our friends. From one thief to another, I'll pass it on with your permission. LOL! Blessings, Mike D.
What I am driving at is the AS means simultaneously, at the same time. Steps 4-9 are to do with the wreckage of the past, steps 10-12 for living today, and it is possible, in fact vital in my case, to make a start on developing 10-12 as a daily practice from day one. It is a futile exercise to be cleaning up with the right hand while making new messes with the left.
So, a newcomer can review is day, with his sponsor, look for mistakes, see what amends need to me made, and what lessons can be learned. He can say a little prayer to his HP and thank Him for the day. In the morning and through the day he can ask for strength and guidance to do His will, and courage to forge ahead with the steps to improve or even establish his contact with God as he may not yet understand Him. (step 11).
He can head to the meeting early and help set up, welcome newcomers and others, make coffe and help clean up. He may be able to provide transport for someone (step 12).
As I tried to practice these principles, while working the steps, I began to feel like I belonged. That feeling of uselessness began to slip away.
The feeling grew that I was on the right track. The effort kept me safe while I worked on clearing the blockages (4-9) and I felt the full benefit of those steps.
My sponsor had me read pages 86 through 88 everyday from the day I met him. I think that was a great help for me....Clear cut directions. I'm honored you even think I'm on the same page with you....I get a lot out of your posts....And look forward to them.
