Now this really scares me. It is not that I have this big secretive life that I want to keep hidden. I have, however, done a lot of things which I am not proud of and would rather keep to myself. My sponsor told me that I need to be as open with her as possible. I was reading a post about the 4th step earlier and it made me wonder if I will need to bring up some of these things while doing this step in order to move ahead successfully. I guess what I fear most is that some of this information will be shared with other members and worse, should my sponsor relapse (which I have heard happens sometimes) that my information will shared to someone outside the rooms. I would be interested to know how others feel about this.
I told my sponsor everything - this is just me though. I can't tell you what to do. Only suggest. I did this because I knew the cost of potential breached trust (which didn't happen) was not as bad as the potential of me getting drunk again. Plus, I wanted to confide in someone.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
BB pg 75
Step 5 was the step that I found relief....We are only as sick as our secrets.
For some of the reasons you mentioned, I did mine with a longtime therapist I had back then. No where in the big book does it say you must do your 4th with your sponsor. I've always had trust issues, and I had a hard time even telling my therapist some of the stuff I did. It worked for me.
Like Chris, I have known some that don't have that kind of trust with their sponsor ... some who have done their 5th step with clergy and one that made an appointment with a monk at a monastery ... but we do need to do the 5th just like it says in the BB ... "5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." ...
Like Stepchild pointed out, this is a vital step ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi BTY. It's pretty scary, unloading all that crap and trusting someone. I don't know about you, but I had a really hard time trusting people. But, the sense of freedom is the payoff. I told my sponsor all my 'stuff' and she still loves me. Honestly, whatever you think is your deepest darkest most shameful, chances are they have heard it before (and probably done it).
I always had trust issues too....I prayed I'd find the right sponsor...I had to start trusting sometime...So I trusted God on this one. I had no problems sharing with my sponsor...He shared things with me that made me feel pretty damn normal. It was all about growing my faith...Seeking and receiving and thanking. That's something I do everyday..He's a good friend today...One of the better friends I have.
It doesn't matter who you share it with.....Just clean house and trust God of your understanding.
Everything I've ever heard a sponsee admit, could have been me at a different stage in addiction. I also did some really crappy stuff stone cold sober. I was born into spiritual sickness, just like many of us, and followed suit like a good little student. As I became an adult, I believed nothing in life mattered anyway. We lived, we died. Period. In coming home to my family of choice in the rooms, I learned there is a better way to live, and I know that my life has meaning and purpose. That is a game changer, and now I'm responsible for my choices. I don't feel like things I do, don't matter, and I don't feel like it doesn't affect others or that they don't matter. My selfishness and self centered thinking was condemned by a complete psychic change. In taking on the responsibility to be the best I can be for me and for others, as my HP see's fit for His will in my life and others, I feel a deep faith that a HP will guide me through this thing called life and beyond. The things from your past are part of what brought you here. Set them free so you can experience that sense of a NEW freedom from the bondage of Self. That's what an all loving HP wants for you. To see you give yourself the best possible chance at that complete psychic change - because you are loved exactly as you are.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story."
It seems we must tell someone all our life story if we are to overcome drinking, but it need not be our sponsor. I chose my sponsor to hear my story and it worked out fine for me. But I understand that you may not wish to tell your sponsor some stuff and that is fine too.
There is a book, The Little Red Book, just recently back in print which tells how the mineapolis group, in the early days of AA, achieved a 75% success rate (as published in Grapevive). Their instructions around the fifth step are to take it with any trusted person OTHER than an AA member. I wonder why they took that view.
The 4th (inventory) is different to the 5th (confession). 5 is even in a different chapter. A 4th step is not necessarily a written 5th step and may not contain all the skeletons in the closet (secrets). We can go through our inventory, but we must also be sure to tell (verbal) all those things from our past life which haunt us. To try and keep them hidden always results in disaster.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension - that makes for more drinking.
I also wonder about trust issues. For me I sometimes feel that "control" would be a better word. If I take this step I fear that I will not be able to control the outcome. People may reject me if they knew what I was really like.
That's what faith is about. Remember, we gave up control at step 3. We trust that the God of our understanding is now in control and we have faith (trust) that He will take care of us. It took all my faith to take this step, but I can promise you, my faith was rewarded a thousand fold. Step 5 set me free.
I also wonder about trust issues. For me I sometimes feel that "control" would be a better word. If I take this step I fear that I will not be able to control the outcome. People may reject me if they knew what I was really like.
That's what faith is about. Remember, we gave up control at step 3. We trust that the God of our understanding is now in control and we have faith (trust) that He will take care of us. It took all my faith to take this step, but I can promise you, my faith was rewarded a thousand fold. Step 5 set me free.
I do have trust issues. Thanks so much to all of you who posted responses to my question. You guys and gals are deep people, and some of this is going over my head rather than in it. Maybe because I am still pretty new and don't have enough understanding of the program and the steps yet. But hopefully I will learn and maybe I'll have some more of these cobwebs up in there cleaned out out of my head by the time I get to step 4 and 5.
I have a question for you BTY....What step is holding you up from starting step four? From getting into action? The reason I ask...Is these steps didn't require a lot of time for me....There was zero doubt I was alcoholic and could not manage my own life. Did I believe a Power greater than myself could relieve my alcoholism...Restore me to sanity? Of course...I'd seen how it worked for so many others....I just had to do what those before me did. Then I had to make a decision....Was I going to work the rest of the steps....Trust my Higher Power to help me...Or not. I didn't even have a sponsor when I did steps 1-3...They were all in my head...And in the book. There must be one step that's holding you up.
(The sanity part is questionable though, because I have always been told I'm crazy and that was way before I started to drink :)
I'm crazy too BTY...That has nothing do with it.
They're talking about the insanity of picking up a drink when we know what that will lead to.....The thought that we can control our drinking this time....Again....Only to find we can't...Over and over...All the insane things we have tried to do to drink like other people...That never work. They are talking about that mentaltwist which leads to the first drink of a spree. They are talking about how that queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power. They are talking about that old, insidious insanity- that first drink. They are talking about this...
"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach.
The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another."
Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!
Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?
BB pgs 36 - 37
A lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight,...I couldn't differentiate the true from the false.
It's all in the book BTY...And it made so much sense to me...I couldn't wait to get INTO ACTION. I asked God to help me with these steps in Step 3...
God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt....
bb pg 63
And I started writing and praying and listening....With the help of God and my sponsor.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 09:55:08 AM
stepchild, I thought I was up to Step 4 and that's when I started to realize I didn't think I could do the steps on my own. I just got a sponsor, however, and if I am understanding all of this correctly, think I am on Step 1 because I haven't actually worked any of the steps through with a sponsor. As far as admitting I have a problem, am powerless, and believe in a power greatly than myself, I'm all good with those things. (The sanity part is questionable though, because I have always been told I'm crazy and that was way before I started to drink :) After reading your post, maybe I am wrong about "repeating" those steps.
Hey BTY, ... you have developed a way to stir me up for some reason ... I can't put my finger on it ... HOWEVER ...
Speaking only for me, ... I need to take 'inventory' at the start of each and every day ... I think of the 12 steps, and I think is there anything here I'm missing ... this daily review is something that helps me pin-point where I need to concentrate my time and efforts for the day ... if I have an issue from the day before, then I make sure it's given the proper attention ... i.e. if I think of something I missed something in the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd time around in the fourth step, then I identify it, talk to my sponsor on his thoughts, then proceed to make amends if needed and so forth ... ... ... My Point ... I have to re-work the steps on a daily basis ... It was NOT once and done, for me ... ... ...
Since I couldn't trust myself in the beginning, I needed to really work the steps through with my sponsor to ensure I was on the right 'track' ... This becomes a 'life-long' goal and process ... remember, we strive for 'progress', not 'perfection' ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
P.S. Hell, we're all crazy !!! ... LMAO
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 01:53:10 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
stepchild,
I thought I was up to Step 4 and that's when I started to realize I didn't think I could do the steps on my own. I just got a sponsor, however, and if I am understanding all of this correctly, think I am on Step 1 because I haven't actually worked any of the steps through with a sponsor. As far as admitting I have a problem, am powerless, and believe in a power greatly than myself, I'm all good with those things. (The sanity part is questionable though, because I have always been told I'm crazy and that was way before I started to drink :) After reading your post, maybe I am wrong about "repeating" those steps.
My experience was a little different. I was in the program 2 months before I got a sponsor (I wouldn't recommend it), and she was at that point taking someone else through the steps. She kept me on a tight leash (I phoned her every day, we met up frequently, I read the book and went to meetings, I had things I was accountable for) and we then went through the steps.
I think it's best to get to the steps fairly quickly, but if you don't get to them right away for whatever reason ask your sponsor to keep you accountable. I actually just followed my sponsor's lead on the whole process. She knew what she was doing!
That's step 10 you are talking about Pappy...I have to work that everyday also. I can only base my recovery on how I did it as laid out in the Big Book. There wasn't a whole lot I had to work on the first three steps.
I conceded to my innermost self I was alcoholic, I came to believe that God could solve my problem. I made a decision to let Him...By taking the required action to remove what was blocking me from Him.
I did need guidance with my fourth step...As well as the fifth and ninth steps...Only to make sure I was doing it right...I was always afraid I would screw it up....Hell...I'd screwed everything else up in my life. My trust in God and guidance from my sponsor and the oldtimers was all I needed to do it right....Perfect?...No. Enough to have a a spritual awakening...An entire psychic change? Yes
I do believe we are given a grace period...A window of opportunity to get this....And I believe they wrote this in the book from their own experience....
With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.
From How It Works. Pg 58
They didn't ask...They begged....They didn't say when you are ready...Or when your sponsor was ready....From the very start. There has to be a reason for that.
The point I guess I was trying to make was that it is important for me to 'remind myself' of who I actually am every morning (an Alkie)... to start the day, i must come to terms with the fact that I am powerless, I can't manage my own life, that God can and will if I seek Him ... and a review of the steps is good for me ... then once the coffee is out of the way, I can 'think' well enough to talk to Him for gratitude and for direction for this day thru prayer .... it's worked for me for a long time now ...
You are correct, that is all part of step 10 ... another point I was after, was REPETITION ... ... ... it takes PRACTICE ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
(I was just kidding about the "crazy" part. Oh, alright... I was just kidding about just kidding about the "crazy" part. )
Thanks to all of you who have posted and have given me such great responses. As suggested, I am going to trust my sponsor to help me through the steps. However, I really want to use some of the ways you posted that have worked for you, such as Pappy's "taking inventory every day" and re-working the steps. Everyday, I am trying to catch myself thinking certain thoughts, not doing things I know I should be doing, doing things I shouldn't , etc. in other words things that are negative, self-destructive or hurtful to other people. I mean even the littlest things, too. When I do catch myself, I pray to my HP to help stop me from thinking, doing, etc. I have a lot of glitches which I really want to change about myself. I haven't written them down--there are just too many.
(I just realized while typing this that maybe I am trying to save myself some time so I don't have as many amends to make once I do get to that step with my sponsor ????? I always was one to look for shortcuts :)
It's late and I am getting tired so will say goodnight, folks and thanks again!
((((hugs))))
Hi BTY, ... There are NO 'shortcuts' when working the program or steps ... we try our best to do them honestly and completely ... I think you know that, LOL ...
Before getting into recovery, my disease kept me locked into of life of 'negativity' ... it's a very sad way to live ... thank God and this program, most of that is gone ... one reason is I now see so much to be grateful for and to look forward to ... yep, this is a much better way of life than before, that's for sure ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Pappy,
Yes, I know. Just a little stab at humor, which I tend to overdo at times.
Hopefully, working the 12 Steps will be one assignment I will finish and I am actually looking forward to it. I am getting pretty tired of "me" and want to change and from what I hear from you and some of the others on this board and in AA, that is the only way I can do it.
