Meeting the wife for lunch tomorrow. Some of you who have read some of my posts, we have been separated for over a year. We enjoyed each others company when she visited me in rehab and reconciliation was discussed (between her lawyer and mine , not with me) but since having been out, I have felt kind of out of place, unprotected so to speak. The other day, via text, I asked her to give me six months, six months to show her that this program REALLY does work and IS working in my life. My gut tells me I should not have done that. Just not sure what I am going to be up against. I have not seen her in four weeks due to the fact that I have been working a ton since being out and working my program.
Guess the title to this post should have been 'First Meeting'.......what is it like assimilating back into the family fabric? And is she going to let me? I'm not worried about the latter (yes, would like to remain married) because I like where I am at regardless of where the relationship stands or goes......
so happy for you. getting back into a relationship is hard on both parties.... if you can both be understanding of the things that need to happen for you to keep your sobriety, and the respect you both need for each others codes to live by, and are willing to leave the past in the past.... you should give it a try. or go to counselling before trying to live married. so things can be talked out beforehand and be prepared for the things will come up when you are vulnerable when you are not prepared. don't risk your sobriety, and i am hoping for the best for you. sheila/jj
Use 'totally honesty' during your meeting, beyond that, it's in the Lord's hands ... and by the way, if it were me, I say a sincere 'heartfelt' prayer before the meeting ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hopefully you have a trusted sponsor to discuss these things with.
When I was first in recovery literally every decision I made was wrong/flawed and my sponsor saved my bacon before I had a chance to shoot myself in the foot (again).
I got sober to avoid divorce, and in my experience it took years before he fully trusted me again. Can't say that I blame him because I was a lying, undependable drunk. I wanted everything to be back how it was before my drinking got bad in the first week of my sobriety, lol. As my sponsor said, time takes time.
I believe that if you were to do an inventory on your emotions Fear may well be at the top of the list...second guessing your decisions and actions and projecting into the future is just a few of the signals. We live this program for our own benefit and that is sobriety...we don't give or get guarantees and one of the reasons is truely our disease is cunning, powerful and baffling. It is also unpredictable and for me that takes away any opportunity to give my wife and family promises...all we have is our program work and this single day and what we need is a power greater than ourselves and any other person in our lives including spouse and family...That's the gist of it for meand too ours is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence on a daily basis...if not arrested our lives border on "Here today...Gone tomorrow".
Another thing which is most important...if she has not become aware that she is part and parcel of her problems in this you will have a rough row to hoe. If she hasn't made contact with such as the Al-Anon Family Groups which is by steps and traditions identical to AA and does not have a power greater than herself and you the future will be maddening and your 6 months hell. Even with both partners/spouses in their own programs insanity can rear its ugly head. Both my spouse and I are in recovery and as long as recovery will be about progress and not perfection we can justify both the good and the bad times...we never got or gave guarantees either.
Pappy's suggestion is so right on it reads like grace and mercy. Be honest...kind and honest...loving and honest...interested and honest...compassionate and honest. Be honest about your emotions and try to stay away from "you" statements and finger pointing. We alcoholics in early recovery do not do defense any where near helpful so if your conversation seems to move toward putting all the weight and blame on you...end it in love and leave the door open for later still.
It hasn't happened until it happens...don't project...keep working your recovery as planned for the day and choose some very nice prayers for yourself. In support.
Standing Tall,
You have received some really great responses here and not sure what to add other than what someone said about taking one day at a time. I am trying not to project too much into the future myself as I find myself getting overwhelmed with fear and worry. I am slowly learning that I cannot predict the future and all my worrying/fear will have little affect on it. I am just hopeful that by staying sober, again one day at a time, daily prayer to my HP, working the steps, that relationships will eventually be restored. But from what I hear in AA meetings and on this board, it is going to take a lot of work on my part. My drinking was over a period of years and the damage it caused didn't happen overnight, so I cannot expect any quick fixes.
I didn't think you rambled at all and now I feel like I am, especially after I said I wasn't sure what to add (LOL), but I hope it helps and wish you the best of luck. Hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are.
I think everyone is capable of change, including yourself, so why wouldn't she give you another shot. You've done your part, by getting sober, and for that you deserve at least a second chance if not more. But, again, it will come in due time. Patience is a virtue, my friend, so give time, time and recovery that much more. The rest you'll earn along the way. Onward...
I think everyone is capable of change, including yourself, so why wouldn't she give you another shot. You've done your part, by getting sober, and for that you deserve at least a second chance if not more. But, again, it will come in due time. Patience is a virtue, my friend, so give time, time and recovery that much more. The rest you'll earn along the way. Onward...
That's what gets me about my addiction. Before the bottle, I was a VERY patient man. Now I am an 'Instant Gratification' man. I can't push my way back in no matter how bad I want to. When I say my prayers every morning, I ask God to give me the patience to make through whatever I may face during the day. The days ARE getting better, but there are little hiccups along the way as well. Today, I am sober!!
ST - no you are not rambling. What you are sharing on is serious life issues, but it's nothing worth picking up over. My feedback to you is this: No matter what you go through, if you stick to the fellowship and the program, your sponsor, the steps, you will walk through the other side stronger and with your head held up high. That has been my experience again and again in this program.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Lunch was awkward to say the least. It was good to see her but I got the angry wife that day. Depending on the day, it changes. I can understand her feelings and I don't want this to turn into a marriage post but from day one, this has been all my fault and I can assure you that that has been a heavy burden to carry. Could have chosen a better way or avenue to cope but I did not. For the time, I just need to keep my side of the street clean and continue progressing in my recovery.
Thanks for your thoughts and your prayers..............
Hi ST,
Thanks for the update. Well, you got through it and didn't drink. That's great! I think that sometimes anger comes from pain. I have gotton upset and lashed out at loved ones in my life and for the least little thing at times. Usually I felt a lot of guilt from doing so. It has taken me years to realize that problems in relationships are seldom one person's fault and I try to remember that, but sometimes especially when I am stressed out I forget.
I hope you have a good week.
, not with me) but since having been out, I have felt kind of out of place, unprotected so to speak. The other day, via text, I asked her to give me six months, six months to show her that this program REALLY does work and IS working in my life. My gut tells me I should not have done that. Just not sure what I am going to be up against. I have not seen her in four weeks due to the fact that I have been working a ton since being out and working my program.