And you think that makes you different than the rest of us ??? ...
Sorry, I got an urgent call just then ... ... ... I'm 61, have 2 handicapped sons, drank most my life and nearly died, wanted to kill myself for letting my family down, lost all my retirement savings, I don't deserve to have the wife I have and the list goes on for a mile ... I feel you have not fully worked the 12 steps ... because when we do, we are set for a life of quality sober living ... and you don't have that ... You want what we've got ??? ... we'll give it to you for the asking ... you just need to be willing to receive it ...
If you want to hear other 'hardship stories, then ask and the members here will fill the board ... end the end, you'll see we're all the same ... nobody here is unique~ ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 17th of October 2013 03:41:18 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
As I sit here with 22+ years of sobriety and then an awful divorce convinced me that I am not an alcohlic, just a social drinker as I only drank from 19-23.
Fast forward to age 50...been divorced twice and managed to stay sober for most of the second one and all of the first one...
And now in a relationship (read living with) another guy from the program who has been sober over 35+ years and experiencing some really sucky emotional stuff...You would not believe me if I told you but here goes...
We have know each other since I was 19 and still drinking. He came into the restaurant where all the AA people came after their meeting...I sobered up at age 23 and married another AA guy (lived with him for 6 years, had a child, convinced him we should get married, we did for two years and then dated for two years after our divorce-he kept getting girlfriends and forgot to tell me). I was single for 3 years and then met Paul, another friend from the program. We were married for 12 years and he was so verbally abusive that I had to leave or die-those were my options.
Fast forward-been in a relationship with another AA member for 3 years. He was in a motorcycle accident with his ex-wife 5 years ago and we got together 3 years ago. She ended up with a tramatic brain injury and he had some physical injuries that healed. He visited her every day in the nursing home she was in until we got together...
Now he maybe spends about 2 days a week visiting her.
And he has some really bad health problems. And I have started drinking...during lunch at work and at work...I am scared and want to run away.
We do not have any AA meetings were we live that I would trust to go to-what is said there doesn't stay there and it is a meat market...
Hi Shellbd, ... Welcome to MIP ... we're glad you're here ...
One of our members recently posted that 'dating in AA' was akin to 'fishing in a polluted stream' ... after reading your post, I tend to believe what he said is true ...
Wow, talk about your emotional 'roller coaster', looks like you've been on one ... with all the AA member contact you've described, I have to believe you've been an active member for quite some time ... is this correct ??? ... if so, then if it were me, I'd find a new sponsor to start with and as far as the groups in your area, don't share openly what you don't want repeated ... sometimes, that's just the way it is ...
But I would find a sponsor you're confident in discussing such matters with ... and tell them you want to start fresh and get busy on the first 3 steps again ... and by all means, get to some meetings (90-in-90) and just listen ... you are not required to share, not more than your first name and not even that if you don't want ... I know, they mostly already know you probably and they will probably let human nature take over and they will do your inventory ... don't worry about, what they think of you is none of your business anyway, go to the meetings for what you can take from them right now ... then later as you work through the steps again, perhaps you'll have the one valuable experience that will help someone else through a similar situation in the future ... ... ...
And you should already know this, but I'll remind you that 'there is absolutely NO problem in the world that you could be going through that a drink or a drug won't make worse' ... ... ... Sobriety has to once again become you NUMBER 1 priority, ... without it life simply sucks ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
AA for me is about so much more than not drinking. Our book clearly states that the steps and the program are a design for living. That we need to learn to practice the principles of the program in all our affairs. Love life or lack thereof, children, jobs, aging parents, like Pappy said, we all have our challenges to deal with. Learning to believe in, trust in, and rely on a power greater than myself is the key for me. For many years, there was no power greater than myself in my life. Alcohol slowly became that power. I used it as a solution to everything good, bad or indifferent. It didn't.work. I finally took a few simple suggestions, beginning with getting a sponsor & working some steps. My life still is sideways sometimes & I do find myself searching for that sense of ease and comfort that comes from that drink. Instead I use the tools I have been given, mtgs, fellowship, prayer & meditation. I get through it, sober. So can you. Put down the drink, dig down deep for the willingness to do whatever it takes, and move forward. Go to a mtg, find a sponsor and get back to work. (((Hugs))) & Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
theres only one way games can be played and that's if ya join in.
what to do?
welp, the BB says,"if you have decided you want what we have..." gotta make a decisdion.
theres 13th steppers at just about every AA meeting.
"We do not have any AA meetings were we live that I would trust to go to-what is said there doesn't stay there"
yup, theres sick people that do that, but nope, it aint all of em.
a decision has to be made and life is awesome sober!
there aint no part time alcoholics.you is or ya aint.
get yer but to a meeting.
Aloha Shell and welcome to the board and back to the program. I started to tear up reading your post because I know that depressive feeling and mind set that nothing, absolutely nothing will go right and I just want to lay down, hold my breath for however long and die. Been there and done that and tested my Higher Powers will for me while dating "recovery" members even after my sponsor clued me that we in program all come from broken places and none of us is well on a regular basis. He was right and they were cuter and more willing to get crazy with me and recognize the last word of the 2nd step actually told us what we needed. My sponsor kept twisting my head back to the mirror..."That is the person you need to focus on"!! he kept repeating "stay out of the lives of women who are as sick or sicker than you"!!. I practice denial and delusion for a long time until I swear my hands showed blisters from the heat. It wasn't that I could not learn...it was really that I would not learn...I was hooking into the crises and chaos and trauma and drama of our disease and would not stop until I made "STOP"!! one of my slogans. It still is one of my slogans.
There is no justification for getting drunk for me today...there just isn't a justification to go back to that life which today is indelibly tatooed inside of my mind, body, spirit and emotion. I don't ever want to deal with the depression you now have which comes with the dramatic thoughts of a chaotic last scene. I've had three attempts to terminate early and I rethink them from time to time...the feelings, the thoughts, the behaviors and then set them aside because that would not be evidence of the recovery I have to day which taught me that there is a successful suicide and a none successful one. The program taught me that the unsuccessful suicide was ending my life while the successful one was ending how I lived it and that God for the program because I was given an alternative.
I'm a ptsd person and crazy thoughts today don't manifest into crazy behaviors. I have other behaviors I can move into. One of the things I am extreemly grateful for is when I got into recovery over time I lost the fear of what other may or did think of me. I found no fear in the honesty demanded of recovery and while anonymity is the foundation of our program when it came to getting and staying sober I just didn't give a damn who found out or knew I had a life threatening disease. HP removed the fear from me early so that there were no barriers to moving on in as straight a line as possible. Alcoholism is a disease...I ain't a bad person...I'm a sick one. Help me to be alcohol free on a daily basis and you will like the person I am. Gotta think that way...God don't make no junk while I am never perfect either.
From my experience...if there wasn't a meeting and there was the need I would find others to help start another meeting and then go start it and participate in it. I've done that more than several time. The AA statement of purpose says, "When anyone...anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that I am responsible". You have long time recovery and the need for a meeting...get a hold of some elders or call GSO and put another meeting on the map. My home group...the Saturday and Sunday versions of AA at the Bay in Hilo Hawaii was started by 3 guys who had the need...2 were doubles (AA and Al-Anon) and one was an N/A mostly. Those meetings are now over 18 years old and have helped so many suffering alcoholics and addicts who have gone on to duplicate the same.
I am responsible for my sobriety...I face only one authority in that endeavor and that entity loves me unconditionally, wants me to remain alcohol free and sober and to be available to any other drunk or victim of our disease as needed. It's not a big job while it is a huge solution.
Do yourself a gratitude list cause it ain't ever all bad and most times not even as bad as our sick minds tells us. Fire your mind as your sponsor it is not qualified and go get a real one. Keep coming back here cause this family is major support for the sick alcoholic wanting to get and stay sober and get back into the prayers and relationship with your HP.
shellbd, How are you doing today? It is great that you have so much sober time. I am a little older than you and have been in a lot of relationships in my past which weren't so great. I can say that I never have had any length of time by myself because I always felt like I needed a man in my life to make me feel good about myself and this started when I was 13 and I never went 3 whole months between breaking up with one and finding another since that time. I was married for almost 23 years and that ended over five years ago. My marriage ended because of my alcoholism and I had a drink in my hand when I met another man (who also had a drink in his hand--we met in a bar) and that relationship isn't working. ( No big surprise really, wish I had heard or listened to that quote about bar room relationships going nowhere.) I don't really know who I am because I have never spent much time alone to figure it out. What I do know about myself in hindsight is that I have always wanted to be loved, desired and needed and I so desperately wanted those things that I have tied my self esteem to having a man in my life all the time to obtain them....even if I knew that the relationship wasn't a good one as long as I wasn't alone and dealing with just "me". Now I have the chance to find out who I am. I know now that I can't do it with a drink in my hand. I cannot do it by getting into another relationship right away, and I certainly cannot do it with someone in AA. I love the stream quote Pappy mentioned, that says it all.
I know the feeling about wanting to die. I too was that way and tried to figure out ways to make that happen. But you know, shellbd, since I have been sober I haven't had those thoughts....that happened only when I was drinking. I too have a child. She is 25. Although we don't communicate as much as I would like, and she doesn't want to see me (haven't seen her in over 5 years as a result of my drinking), I know she loves me and would be devastated if I had followed through on those thoughts. I hope you will hold onto your son, hug him tight and be grateful for each day you have been given to do that. Death to all of us comes quick enough and we really don't need to rush it. You just need to realize that the bad feelings will end. Death is forever, and you cannot undo suicide.
I am new in AA. I admire people in the rooms with a lot of sober time like you. I have heard stories about people having 5, 10, 20 years of sobriety going out and drinking again. Some of them find their way back to the rooms, and some of them don't. I have heard that some of them that don't make it back have passed away. I am glad you came to this board and realize that you really don't want to drink. You can get a lot of love and encouragement you need from here and I hope you go back to your meetings. Like others have said, you don't have to share anything you don't want to.
Some great advice has been given from those with more sober time than me and I hope to hear from you soon to let us know how you are doing. We care!
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 18th of October 2013 07:47:10 AM
Who cares if he finds out you've been drinking? This is your life we are talking about. You are saying you want to die? Reach out for help and go to meetings and stop worrying what people might share or say. Screw it. Go to a meeting.
Only us alcoholics will find ourselves drowning, get thrown a life preserver and then worry and wonder about the life preserver rather than just grabbing it and saving our life.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
