Hey ST, ... While being away from family when I was in rehab, I learned that 'sobriety' was , or should be, my 1st priority ... ... ... I found that I had to lay a firm 'sober foundation' in my program before going back to 'the way it was' ... ... ... I think you're wise in that you recognize that you need to work on this 'foundation' before exposing yourself to the old triggers that you know are still hanging around ...
No matter how much you are able to change, your family will likely be as you left them ... it was critical for me to 'get a new pair of glasses' so to speak, in order to see and deal with them, and others, differently ... before rehab, I simply grabbed a bottle to solve my problems, that was no solution then and I knew it wouldn't be after coming home ... I had to build a strong sober base 1st ...
Remember the acronym ... "S.O.B.E.R." ... Son-Of a Bitch, Everything's-Real ... ... ... We and your AA group and your sponsor can help you adjust ... but you must stay in contact with all of us AND your Higher Power ... ... ...
God Bless
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Tuesday 15th of October 2013 09:20:47 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Okay, this has been on my mind today.......I am sure that a lot of you have or are dealing with this topic.
I have not seen my children in almost 4 weeks (basically since getting out of rehab). I talk to them every single day and they are happy to hear my voice. My two oldest know what has gone on and they support me 100%. The younger ones have been told that Daddy works a lot. Frankly everyone, I am in a REALLY good spot right now with my program and working through the steps. Working on my side of the street and it is starting to shape up . There are some things (and their mother ) out at the house that have been major league triggers for me in the past and am not sure how I would handle that right now.
I can see them whenever I want. Just not sure that I am quite ready yet. Experiences anyone??
Glad you are in a good spot ST. It could be God's grace, a taste of what permanent sobriety is like, and it may well continue if you are willing to keep perfecting and enlarging your spiritual life through the steps, and self sacrifice and service for others.
The family is without doubt one of the most difficult areas to deal with in sobriety, and they are often, with very good reason, slow to trust us and believe that we have truly begun a new way of life. Who can blame them, we did a lot to hurt them over the years and have let them down many times before.
Making amends with the family is a long term thing, I am not sure it is ever complete. The thing they will be most interested in is a long term demonstration of our new way of living, and certainly in the early days this might require a good deal of tolerance and acceptance from us when members of our family sometimes want to let us know how much we have hurt them. This happened to me and it was tough to take without reacting negatively. But all along I tried to remember that it is me with the problem and me that has to change, not them.
Also, through the steps, I was developing a conscious contact with God, and in every situation I learned to say "thy will, not mine, be done". I do my best but the results are in God's hands.
About triggers. In early sobriety ther may be situations (bars) etc that it would be wise to avoid. Until we are well on with step nine, we will have no defence against the first drink at certain times so it makes sense where possible to avoid risk situations. But hiding from triggers is not a permanent solution. Our book tells us that any attempt to shield the alcoholic from temptation (as a means of recovery) is doomed to failure. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
Perhaps some contact with family or exs comes about through step nine, or maybe we are returning home after a spell away. In either case a discussion with your sponsor about the circumstances and a plan of action is worthwhile as is plenty of prayer for stength and guidance to do the right thing. Caution is the thing. If we are not well prepared spiritually, we can end up doing more harm, and we don't want that.
My experiences also come from being a rehab therapist and one of the things I use to work with the clients was not to extend the separation that was bought on by the disease into the recovery process. We were not alone during it all...they missed us and we were not available to them as we were to the booze and when we were drunk or high we were not available for anything we were not normal, not usual, and they wanted that. Do not withhold the love and support no matter how fearful and unsure we are. Save some time for ourselves and only some. When I was learning how to share myself with the family I shared me 100 percent of who I was at that time and not anyone who I wasn't. Learning to swim means getting wet...love that. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 16th of October 2013 12:19:07 AM
"Okay, this has been on my mind today.......I am sure that a lot of you have or are dealing with this topic." (I am so glad you came to this board for help.)
"I have not seen my children in almost 4 weeks (basically since getting out of rehab). I talk to them every single day and they are happy to hear my voice." (I am sorry you haven't seen your children in a while. That must be difficult for you and am so glad that you have not had a drink. It is great that you talk to them everyday! You sound like a great dad! You are working hard to change your life and they will be affected so greatly for the positive changes you are making.)
Standing Tall, I am sorry about the things you are dealing with your separated wife. Sounds like you are doing what you need to to help yourself not drink...working the steps, serenity prayer, responding calmly, meetings, etc. Personally, I am trying to avoid triggers which I know will make me want to drink, but sometimes I have found that some of them are hard to avoid no matter how much I try and I guess that is just part of life. Right now, especially this early in my sobriety, it would only take one of them to make me want to drink, and that has almost happened and more than once. I feel so GREAT when I am able to get through whatever happens knowing that the bad feelings won't last forever and cannot kill me, but starting to drink over it will kill me. Thank God for AA, this board, and also admitting we are powerless over alcohol to help us stay on track. We'd all be lost if we didn't have these. Oh, and by the way, my last scarey time was this past weekend and although I was facing my own demon (being the desire to drink), I came to this board for help and I also thought of you and the postings we have exchanged on this board and was wondering how you are doing with your sobriety. So you helped me not to drink!
"S.O.B.E.R." ... Son-Of a Bitch, Everything's-Real" (Pappy, I keep reading things on this board which I have never heard and this is another great one!!!)
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 16th of October 2013 08:02:27 AM
I have minimum contact with my separated wife and whenever we do talk (usually via texting), I get that 'feeling', that little twinge in my gut so to speak. Not as bad as it was say 6 months ago, but it is still there. Lately, when I see a message from her, I drop to one knee and say the serenity prayer.....pause.....then respond in a calm matter. The drinking is not what caused our difficulties (though it did not help), I drank to cope with some of the things that were going on in our marriage.
As some have suggested in a couple of other posts, I used the phone a lot last night. Spoke to several people in my home group, sponsor, parents, brother.......you name it. There was a lot of prayer and meditation last night. Bottom line, I am still on track. Am learning to swim lol......
Standing Tall, That is so sad about the situation and not being able to see your kids without your ex being there. I haven't seen my daughter in over five years. Not because she is a trigger for me, just the opposite. I am a trigger for her. Not her wanting to drink--just not wanting to see me. She stopped having to do anything to do with me and I thought it was because I left my ex...she let me know it was because of my drinking. After I got sober and started AA (in same day) she started coming around and sends me brief emails to congratulate me on my milestone sobriety dates. It is not as much as I would like, but I keep hoping that the longer I am sober she will want to see me again. She is 25. I have missed the last five years of her birthdays, Christmas's, Thanksgivings and other special events. I made alcohol my main priority and put my drinking in front of my family. If I go out again, I risk never ever hearing from her again, as she may not give me another chance. Hopefully you can soon see your children soon. Keep us posted as we care.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 16th of October 2013 03:02:43 PM
Ok, have talked to my sponsor again about this and his thoughts were to just sit tight, KEEP working the program, KEEP working on my side of the street, and last but not least, easy does it. Thoughts??
BTY52, you had mentioned that there are some triggers that you find hard to avoid. This one I can avoid, but it means me not seeing my children. That is where I am torn. I can see them anytime I want, but because of past actions, my wife has to be there during visitation :(. Been with my sponsor for 4 weeks now, he has 16 years of sobriety and has not let me down to this point..........as painful, emotionally, as this may be, I may just have to stay the course for a period till I get stronger and more confident...........
Hey ST, ... I think your sponsor is right, ... take it easy ... We alkies always want everything 'yesterday' ... so, work your program, don't drink, and go to meetings is what I tell my sponsees when they get the 'anxiety machine' cranked up ... ... ...
In time, you will know the right approach to solve this thing ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ok, have talked to my sponsor again about this and his thoughts were to just sit tight, KEEP working the program, KEEP working on my side of the street, and last but not least, easy does it. Thoughts??
BTY52, you had mentioned that there are some triggers that you find hard to avoid. This one I can avoid, but it means me not seeing my children. That is where I am torn. I can see them anytime I want, but because of past actions, my wife has to be there during visitation :(. Been with my sponsor for 4 weeks now, he has 16 years of sobriety and has not let me down to this point..........as painful, emotionally, as this may be, I may just have to stay the course for a period till I get stronger and more confident...........
It's nice to read about 'easy does it" in its proper context. It appears in the book on page 135 at the end of "The Family Afterward" and refers, of course, to our relations with the family.
It does not appear at all in the rest of our recovery program. There it is all about action. at once, next we, we take an hour between steps 5 and 6, vigorous .....
If we get on with the rest of it we will soon lose our fear of so called triggers. We drink because we are alcoholic. There is nothing out there causing us to drink, we have a disease and our natural inclination is to drink, even against our will. We lack the power to stay sober, that's the true trigger.
As we work the steps, those promises begin to come true and we are given the power we need to stay sober. It's the power of the God of our understanding, and when that Power kicks in, triggers just don't have a chance.
The step 10 promises spell it out pretty well. They came true for me and no doubt, countless others.
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."
Stepchild, I would agree that there are excuses everywhere! I'm tired of making excuses in and for my life. I am on a great path and am enjoying life for the first time in a long time!
MikeH, THIS is how God works! In our meeting last night we spoke about family relations! Just fell out of my chair. There where so many heartbreaking stories. It was an all men's meeting, about 50 of us, and there were not too many dry eyes in the joint! I am a very blessed man. My children still love me and WANT to talk to me and I talk to them on a daily basis. Yes, I have had my struggles but I know that if I continue to work the steps and my program and NOT rush through them, my recovery will continue to proceed in a positive direction.
Yes, I have had my struggles but I know that if I continue to work the steps and my program and NOT rush through them, my recovery will continue to proceed in a positive direction.
When I look at the directions for step 8 and 9...I don't see anything about taking your time and not rushing....
Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
BB pg 76
I had a friend that got out of rehab the same week I did....We got our one year coins at the same meeting.....He stopped showing up shortly after that and I ran into him at grocery store not long after. I asked him if he had worked the steps and said he had worked them up to the 8th step. And he has been out ever since...I saw him two weeks ago...Not looking good. I guess that's what they mean by "Faith without works is dead."
I'm not telling you how you should run "your" program....Just sharing my experience with the program.
If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
. Frankly everyone, I am in a REALLY good spot right now with my program and working through the steps. Working on my side of the street and it is starting to shape up 
. There are some things (and their mother 