So,

This morning I was looking for Young People's Conventions. I was so excited. I really wanted to find where it will be the next conventions.

And I find it in Australia. And I told my mom that it will have this month Convention in Australia. And she laugh at me and asked me to see the cost of the tickets. To there and back almost 3000 E. Oh, come on, really? Anger, not only anger, but resentment,

"Therefore, we started upon a personal inventoryIt is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret" 

because its started "These stupid parents, why we are living in this stupid country, how can they havent money and we are so poor and I cant go anywhere and so on, so on Oh, poor me and Im starting to blame them. They are not good enough, they are not rich enough, they are not smart enough !!!"

"We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly." 

"Resentment is the Number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything elseWe listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry." 

Lets  see it:

Im resentful at: my parents

"We asked ourselves why we were angry." 

The cause: They havent got enough money and I cant go to Australia!

                    Because of them, Im living in awful country, awful life with awful people and Im studing in awful university! I will stop here, because it will be enormous list. :D

"In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were burned up." Just the way I did it this morning I burned up .. I started to blame my mother and of course the little princess (me) started to cry about this unfair world. L

"On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?"

Affects my:

Self-esteem -  You know These stupid parents really dont deseve  this amazing daughter! I am smart, intelligent, Im so much more than my family!

Personal Relationships

Ambitions They really stop me to get what I want, to gain material wealth, to "prove the world I was important" p.2 :D 

Security  - material and emotional

"We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty." 

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that is is fatal.For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of acohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

Okay, I cant live with resentments, because Ill die, right?

So "We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different  angle. Putting out of our minds the wrongs other had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes." 

"Where had been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" 

What happened? Did I forgot how many times my parents took care of me, how they forgave me everything Ive done to them? Did I forgot how I hurt them so many times in my life?

And, of course, the fear

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." 

Am I not the actor, who wants to run the whole show, trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in my own way?

If only people would do as I wished, the show would be great, right, the life would be wonderful?

"Is he not really a self-seeker Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world is he only manages well?"

So .. I have expectations. I want other people to act the way I want, to say the words I want to hear, to give me things I want to have. Requirements 

Of course I am dishonest, and self-centered ego-centric, because I act as the world MUST only give me the things I want. And everything is spinning around me. And when I act like this, where is God in my life? So what do I MUST do?

"Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We MUST, or it kill us! God makes this possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without HIS aid."

"First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didnt work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director."

"God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better to Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, They Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!" 

Its, of course not exactly the full inventory .. but I just wanted to share that it really amazed me when someone asked "What step you are at?" Oh, God .. its not homework, which I must done. If I do these things like its only homework I wont feel anything, I wont feel the magic of all. Everything is so connected, its like a midnight dance with the book so amazing, elegant, Pure energy ... God!

Oh and I must make amend to my wondeful mom. 

We are not saints, right? 

-- Edited by myownhell on Friday 4th of October 2013 05:10:36 AM