I am feeling the compulsion to tell all of you that after six months of solid sobriety, I recently picked up. A few things:
1. If anyone reading this is experiencing any temptation at all to drink again, let me reassure you that hell is still there in exactly the same form that you left it. The late-night regret and self-loathing and general bad feelings are ready and waiting for any and all alcoholics tempted to give drinking another shot. It's all still there.
2. I have already been to two meetings this week and understand exactly what I need to do. I believe that I picked up because I got lazy and stopped doing the work. I became overconfident that I was finally in a good place and retreated into myself, and felt that I didn't need the focus that I had for so long. It's time to continue going to meetings on a regular basis, working the steps, and continuing to share in this space. That's what got me so far the first time around and what will lead me back.
3. The good news is that I didn't fully slip into the space I was in seven months ago. I don't feel consumed by the desire to drink, but ever since I had that first drink I have felt the alcoholic thinking returning in full force and that's what I think I need to focus on here.
So that's pretty much where I am at right now. I feel equal parts angry and disappointed, and am just trying to focus on using everything I have learned in the past year to fill my life with enough gratitude and support to get me back on track. I have also learned in this experience that liberation requires constant work and attention.
Today, during a meeting, a totally innocuous-looking older woman was talking about the temptation to slip into alcoholic thinking and said: "I need to keep a constant knee on my neck because otherwise that bad part of me will come out again. I'm a slime dog - and I'll do anything I can to go back to that place if I let myself."
I totally get that. And it's time to get re-sober because that's where I have been the happiest.
Anyway, as always, thank you all for reading.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Adam, I'm glad you're back here at MIP and back with the program. I'm glad you've got a plan in place and that you can recognize what led you to pick up. And thank you for letting us know what it's like out there. Stick around, we love you.
I believe that I picked up because I got lazy and stopped doing the work.
Welcome back Adam...I'm glad you're here. I think more often than not...It comes down to what you say here. Can I ask you?...What step you were working on when you stopped?
I learned a long time ago that it is much, much harder to drink like a normal person than to work the program of AA ... I once had hopes that I could come to AA and learn how to do that ... problem was, and is, that I cannot just have one , or two ... it has to be a dozen or more ... and the insanity would always rule over simple 'common sense' when I tried that ...
There are NO good reasons for people like us to drink, only excuses ... ... ...
Glad your back Adam, hope you exchange your experience in living with misery for the faith, hope, and love that this program has always offered ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you all for the support. I just read the 11 steps of relapse and... holy moly. It continues to amaze me how unoriginal I am in this disease. Thank you for recommending I look at that. Also, I was between steps 7 and 8. I could not bring myself to actually make amends yet. I know it needs to happen and it'll be cathartic when it does, but it really scares me. And yes, Pappy, you are definitely right. I don't think, in the history of my drinking, that I have ever had just one or two and been okay with that. I tried it unsuccessfully for over ten years! Anyway, I'm glad to have this space to process. Really, really thankful.
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
But they make it very clear what half measures will get us. I hope you'll keep moving forward. Step 9 was a step I had to suck it up....Ask my Higher Power...As well as my sponsor...for guidance.....And just do it. I'm glad your research and developement period was a short one....Keep trudging.
Welcome back Adam! Glad you made it back here with us. Thank you for sharing your experience here with us. I need to be constantly reminded what happens to us if we stop doing the work. We have a daily reprieve and that's it. One day! If I wake up tomorrow- wash, rinse & repeat.
Glad you made it back so quickly Adam. I always appreciate it when people come back to meetings after going back out. It reminds me that no one ever shows up at their first AA meeting, or first one back because their life is second to none. I think I've heard this over 100 times in the years I've been in the halls. It's one of the things that stops me from going out and trying it myself, I know I'm not unique, I'm just an alcoholic.
