As I am sure is the case with many of us, our stories are very similar. Am recently out of rehab and have been clean and sober for 107 days. But am struggling, REALLY struggling to get back into the swing of things, especially my marriage. The marriage is not on the rocks because of the drinking (did not help either), I chose to drink to cope with stresses and challenges that were happening in my marriage. Well, it got to the point to where I had to check myself into a rehab facility and basically take myself out of 'life' for 90 days. Am feeling good physically, but emotionally I am a train wreck. Even though I have been to rehab, I am STILL being accused of drinking. I am attending therapy, AA meetings at least twice a day, and am checking in with my sponsor on a daily basis.
My question is this.......can my marriage be saved? If I stay the course and work my program? Any success stories out there??
It's a good place here. Lots of success and most of it not based on external things usually. Saving the marriage doesn't necessarily equate a success IMO. I was happy to discover the program made life 'OK' no matter if my marriage fell apart, the house burnt down, my dog and cat died on the same day, and my boss at work pointed his finger in my face and said 'F*** YOU'. Etc etc etc
Some of that happened - some didn't - some worse stuff than that has happened - and I'm still alright. I know that I'm going to be okay no matter what because I put sobriety first and live the principles of the program. Fear that once ruled me about anything, has left me. When it slithers back into my life like the sly snake it can be - I know exactly what to do about it because everything I need to know about how to live a fulfilling life is laid out for me in this program. It's all in the BB - the step work - and the suggestions you hear from the old timers.
All I have to do is not drink - follow the suggestions I like and don't like - and keep coming back. If I can do it - you can do it, because I drank round the clock no matter if I promised my husband I would or not. I promised me - and everyone else over and over I wouldn't drink again - but I was powerless. Once I admitted that, and was able to face the unmanagability in my life with the help of the fellowship - anything was possible. And yes - my marriage did stay in tact, but looking back on it - I don't think I was ever really in the marriage until I got sober and in the program, so it's basically like starting new as the real me. What the significant other thinks about you being sober or not is none of your business. Just keep doing what you're doing for you. Then once you get the hang of things - you can read a little on Melody Beattie - 'Codependent no more' and figure out how to be your own person in a union. Best of everything to you friend : )
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Of course its not possible for strangers on the internet who have never met you to determine if your marriage can be saved, but AA is full of success stories about damaged marriages being healed - IF you stay sober, get honest about your drinking and your actions, and work the 12 steps with your sponsor to do what you can to set things right. It also helps if the person who is living with the alcoholic gets some support too, and Alanon is a good way for them to do that. For you, the best you can do is stay sober a day at a time, and keep going to meetings and getting all of the other help that is available.
There are some things we can work on and change (ourselves), and there are some things that are not in our control (everybody else).
The Serenity prayer is a good reminder for this stuff.
It's a good place here. Lots of success and most of it not based on external things usually. Saving the marriage doesn't necessarily equate a success IMO. I was happy to discover the program made life 'OK' no matter if my marriage fell apart, the house burnt down, my dog and cat died on the same day, and my boss at work pointed his finger in my face and said 'F*** YOU'. Etc etc etc
Some of that happened - some didn't - some worse stuff than that has happened - and I'm still alright. I know that I'm going to be okay no matter what because I put sobriety first and live the principles of the program. Fear that once ruled me about anything, has left me. When it slithers back into my life like the sly snake it can be - I know exactly what to do about it because everything I need to know about how to live a fulfilling life is laid out for me in this program. It's all in the BB - the step work - and the suggestions you hear from the old timers.
All I have to do is not drink - follow the suggestions I like and don't like - and keep coming back. If I can do it - you can do it, because I drank round the clock no matter if I promised my husband I would or not. I promised me - and everyone else over and over I wouldn't drink again - but I was powerless. Once I admitted that, and was able to face the unmanagability in my life with the help of the fellowship - anything was possible. And yes - my marriage did stay in tact, but looking back on it - I don't think I was ever really in the marriage until I got sober and in the program, so it's basically like starting new as the real me. What the significant other thinks about you being sober or not is none of your business. Just keep doing what you're doing for you. Then once you get the hang of things - you can read a little on Melody Beattie - 'Codependent no more' and figure out how to be your own person in a union. Best of everything to you friend : )
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Thanks for your reply. Working Step 11 has gotten me my job back (after 3 months being away.....I know, right?), and my children still want to talk to their Dad!! There is not a whole lot more I could ask for than to NOT be living in a one bedroom apartment. But just for today, I am NOT drinking. That's all that matters!!
Nothing is final by any means, but it is best that I back off on communication with her. In the past, she WAS my 'trigger'. She still is, but I am choosing not to drink (even though I am being accused of it)......multiple meetings for a newbie has worked for me. And I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
Of course its not possible for strangers on the internet who have never met you to determine if your marriage can be saved, but AA is full of success stories about damaged marriages being healed - IF you stay sober, get honest about your drinking and your actions, and work the 12 steps with your sponsor to do what you can to set things right. It also helps if the person who is living with the alcoholic gets some support too, and Alanon is a good way for them to do that. For you, the best you can do is stay sober a day at a time, and keep going to meetings and getting all of the other help that is available.
There are some things we can work on and change (ourselves), and there are some things that are not in our control (everybody else).
The Serenity prayer is a good reminder for this stuff.
She tried Al-Anon.....two meetings :(. Kind of what I am dealing with. I have been to several Al-Anon meetings myself and it has really opened my eyes to the other side of the story as well. Just for today......all I can do!! Thanks for the reply.
I suggest we all go back and re-read Tasha's (justadrunk) post ... absolutely a great post ... But I will say that my sponsor had me include in my prayers, for God's will to be done for her, as well as for me ... 'Trust' is a thing we must earn, and it takes time ... I tried quitting heavy drinking for 13 years ... in and out of AA during this time, and for me, I found that my wife did not trust me at all for about 2 years when I got sober this time ... she knew the many, many times I quit for a few weeks, a few months, but when I got to 2 years, she finally trusted me again ...
The main thing is to stick with your AA program no matter what happens, like Tasha said ... if you let this get to you, and you drink over it, then you accomplish destroying any 'credibility' you may have had with any of your family ... you need to stay sober for you ... there is no problem that drinking won't make worse ... sobriety is our #1 priority ...
I cannot tell you how to save your family, but I can damn sure tell you how to lose them ... ... ... I was lucky, God saw fit to keep my family together through all this mess ... I was down to near death and my wife said this is it ... I knew this time she meant it ... she'd already contacted a lawyer, so I admitted complete defeat and surrendered myself to the AA way of life ... best decision I ever made ... life is wonderful now ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My two cents: You'll have to let her come to the program if she chooses to, you can't force her into it. I imagine she was awfully patient with you for many years, now it's time to extend the same courtesy to her. Like our book says, we need to focus on keeping our house in order, our side of the street clean.
Some great experience shared here. RubyTues just posted something similiar to what I was going to write regarding your wife. My experience was:
I focused on myself. Sounds selfish, but it's not. Without ME, I can have no relationship with anyone else. Not a good one anyway. I Built a relationship with a HP(God) and myself. Then I could have a relationship with someone else. I had to get to a point where I could live with my wife or without here. The 12 Step Program can assist you with this.
I thought the woarse thing in the world would be to loose my wife. Three years into recovery, I saw how unhealthy the relationship was, set some boundaries and she decided to leave. Three months later she wanted to come back. I was healthy enough to say NO.
I tried to get her into Alanon and Counseling. I.E.- I tried(pushed) her into these. It pushed her right out. People will only change when the pain of where they're at is too much and they want something different. Just like you're experiencing. Your pain is forcing you into another direction. She doesn't have that pain yet. May never will. Doesn't matter. You can get well and turn the entire relationship over to the one with all power- God. The outcome is beyond your control. There's too many variables.
Stay sober, Work The Program and Your live will fall into place as it should. It will be much better than you could've wished for. That's my experience and the experience from many others.
Then do just that my friend. Stay sober and do the best YOU can do. You can do recovery for YOU - but you can't do recovery for HER, any better than you could take a crap for her if she was constipated.
Just like she couldn't do recovery for YOU when SHE wanted YOU sober.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha wrote- " any better than you could take a crap for her if she was constipated. " LMAO- So true! I hope to use this in the future. Simple and honest. Thanks, Tasha!
Thanks to all!! I know the direction I am headed is the right one. Mike you wrote about doing this for you. This is the FIRST thing in my life I have ever done for me. Was tuff at first but I know that it had and has to be done. Has not been a long road (2 years) but the drinking was real heavy and real fast. Fact is, she has been toxic for me for quite a while and guess I was just to blind to see it (been out of rehab for 2 weeks and have not seen her yet, been separated for 16 months).........
Will remain strong and focused first for me, then my children. Step 11 has been VERY precious to me this week!!! I will keep you all informed with my progress and look forward to joining future discussions.
I've been in your shoes Bret! Prior to recovery I never did anything for me. I learned my priority list was backwards. I put everyone else first- wife, kids, family and friends. Where the hell did I come in? I didn't! Not their fault, but mine. I had to take a look at that. I didn't know what I didn't know. The priority list today is: God, Me and then others. I'm available for others today if my house is in order. Through working the 12 Steps, I learned that I was dominated by people, places and situations in my life. I somehow felt responsible for all this? Pretty heavy burden to carry playing God. I turn this job over to him on a daily basis. It frees me to be me. It frees others to be themselves. It allows life to evolve naturally. Everyone benefits. Keep coming back here and let us know how your doing.
Tasha wrote- " any better than you could take a crap for her if she was constipated. " LMAO- So true! I hope to use this in the future. Simple and honest. Thanks, Tasha!
LMAO too ... ... ... thanks Tasha ... ... ... I hadn't heard that one before now, wow ... funny mental image goes along with this one too ... LOL
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I've been in your shoes Bret! Prior to recovery I never did anything for me. I learned my priority list was backwards. I put everyone else first- wife, kids, family and friends. Where the hell did I come in? I didn't! Not their fault, but mine. I had to take a look at that. I didn't know what I didn't know. The priority list today is: God, Me and then others. I'm available for others today if my house is in order. Through working the 12 Steps, I learned that I was dominated by people, places and situations in my life. I somehow felt responsible for all this? Pretty heavy burden to carry playing God. I turn this job over to him on a daily basis. It frees me to be me. It frees others to be themselves. It allows life to evolve naturally. Everyone benefits. Keep coming back here and let us know how your doing.
Mike, just had to follow up to your statement yesterday. This morning's meeting we talked about? Yep, you guessed it.....boundaries!! God has seen fit to place this little nuggets in my life just at the right time!! For YEARS I was a doormat, people pleaser, respected other people's boundaries............but let people walk all OVER my boundaries!! I lived for the sole purpose of taking care of my family at all costs and was not taking care of my own needs. As you can imagine after years of this, got worn out and turned to the bottle to cope with my problems. Right here, right now, just for today, I AM SOBER......and it feels great!! Mike, the house IS getting cleaner everyday!!
What a great thread, lots of food for thought. I only just learned about the order of things the other day. They said that God comes first, then my husband, then our children, then extended family, then friends and then lastly work. I honestly thought work would've been up higher as you need it to survive.
Hi Standing Tall! Welcome. My experience is that an alcoholic cannot save his, or her, marriage by working on the marriage. You can only save your marriage by working on the 12 Steps. Blessings, Mike D.
......all I can do right now is stay sober for today. Best I can do.....
My experience was:
LMAO- So true! I hope to use this in the future. Simple and honest. Thanks, Tasha!
Pretty heavy burden to carry playing God. I turn this job over to him on a daily basis. It frees me to be me. It frees others to be themselves. It allows life to evolve naturally. Everyone benefits. 
Keep coming back here and let us know how your doing.