Just joined though I have been in and out of AA fora couple of years. I really want to be the person I feel I am inside but drink stops me. I am to all intents sober, I don't drink socially or with friends but do still sneak booze when I think I can get away with it, even at work. I'm terrified of losing everything my job, family, life to this but it's enough not enough to truly quit it....
Hi JayBee, and welcome to the boards. Only you can decide if you're ready to quit, but I can tell you there is a whole lot of freedom on the other side. When was the last time you went to a meeting?
Do you think you're ready to check it out again? Do you have any friends from the program that could go to a meeting with you? I am thinking you are probably ready for a change if you're posting here.
It's not that, the meetings helped a lot but I just couldn't see myself going long term, I felt guilty for taking time away from my family for a problem I had and it's hard to regularly attend ith work and a child. I need something to keep me in check so though online was better than nothing. My family and friends don't realise I'm still struggling on occasions, they only see me as not drinking around them. I don't do it regularly but it's almost a self harm thing with me
I find it funny reading that you don't have time to take away from your family for your own recovery. If you start drinking it will be much worse on the family.
Unfortunately, most of the time when I hear people saying they don have time or meetings, it isn't that bad... I would see them a year or two later with some road damage.
It seems like you already have decided.
Just remember, when you think it can't ever get any worse, it can. Just add more alcohol.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I'm terrified of losing everything my job, family, life to this but it's enough not enough to truly quit it....
Coming from a guy that lost all that...I can tell you this is progressive....We get worse...Never better. AA is a 12 step program...The directions for the steps are in the Big Book. Have you read it? It's a text book to be studied...Not a novel. You can get it free online...Or pick one up in a meeting. I saw myself in that book...And found the only solution that ever worked for me. Glad you're here JayBee.
So you are drinking on the job, which will cause severe problems for you and your family if you get caught, which can happen at any time.... but you don't feel that this situation is bad enough to warrant taking action....
You're certainly welcome here, but when an alcoholic is still drinking, especially in ways that can have immediate and serious consequences (like drinking on the job), chatting on line is just not going to prevent your life from unraveling.
I hope you can find your way to sobriety. It starts with one day, and the easiest way to do it is to get help from others who know about these things and who have gone before you. They can help you string those days together. You've been in AA before so you know how this works. And you know what happens if we keep drinking and simply allow it to run its course... I'm not trying to scare you, I know that people like us can't be scared into getting sober. I'm hoping that I might be writing something that will encourage you. What about going to a meeting and coming back here to tell us how it went?
I am also glad you are here with us and hope your mind is open and you are willing to do anything to get and stay sober...which you are not right now. Booze and thinking about booze and sneaking booze and thinking that others don't know what you know and all that other stuff is about being alcoholic. It's doing you and not the other way around and then as long as you keep thinking and feeling and practicing that you have some kinda control over it is a sure sign that in spite of all of your awarenesses and wishes and shame and guilt and woes ...it still takes you out and I'm not talking about drunk...I'm talking about taking the first drink. I know what that is like and I know what dave and step child and the others are saying cause I've listen to that before I quit and because I quit and my head nodded up and down when they were telling me about what had happened to them along the way to the program and total surrender. I had to reach toxic shock before I realized it owned me...I never intended to reach anything like toxic shock and then reached it 3 times without being willing because it; alcohol, owned me. If you are ready to have what we have you must be willing to do anything or everything suggested as a program of recovery. If you loose it all...you'll loose it all and nothing will matter. Listen here to the stories and super-impose yourself over the sharer...there isn't much differences twix us and it is the similarities which will save your life. Drinking inspite of not wanting to and knowing the consequences is breath taking description of our disease. Its like freefalling hundreds of feet thru the air to an uncertain bottom...Its never the fall that kills you it's the sudden stop. We can get you out of the fall if you keep coming back and follow the suggestions of the MIP/AA fellowship. Go back to your meetings...let go and let God.
You sound exactly like me about 18 years ago ... I too, could not fathom the rest of my life without drinking ... but AA taught me to just go 1 day without a drink, then if I got another day to stick around, then I could choose whether or not to drink that day ... this is a 'one day at a time' program ... we never try to look beyond what we can do today for the purpose of living in the 'now' ...
There have already been some great shares here, so please try to have an open mind and 'listen' to the wisdom being laid at your feet ... YOU are the only one that gets to make a decision about how you want to live your life today ... you can live 'your way of life' or try 'our way of life' ... your choice ... there are no AA police coming to knock on your door to monitor your actions, so you know well, it's a voluntary program and you are welcome to go back to the meetings and learn from others about a life of recovery that's better than anything you can imagine ...
Sounds like you want an alcohol free life but aren't willing to take the steps to get it ... when your drinking isn't fun' anymore, and the pain far outweighs the pleasure, and you're willing to go to any length to stay sober, then you can begin a new life, but not before that realization hits you ...
You said you didn't like the time it took to go to meetings to recover, that it took too much time from your family ... what you need to realize, is that you will most likely lose that family because you didn't take the time necessary TO recover ... Right here on this board, we've known those that just couldn't make the time for meetings ... some of them are dead now ... some very young, and some older ... but like what's already been said here, this disease ALWAYS get WORSE NEVER better ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
