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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Looking back to an early post on a day of celebration in sobriety : )
Post Info TOPIC: Looking back to an early post on a day of celebration in sobriety : )
justadrunk


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Looking back to an early post on a day of celebration in sobriety : )
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I was a vocal major in college.  I was trained to sing operatic type stuff mostly.  The professors were always telling me to translate the words into English so I knew what I was singing about. That work was assigned in the hope that I would then be able to put emotion into it.  Well, I would translate the words, work hard at pronouncing the languages perfectly,  make sure my timing was right, my breaths... all the technical stuff, but I never sang with any emotion as a result.  Well, not until I snuck that bottle of tequila into the bathroom before my 1pm performance in the big hall... my "final".  

That was the first time I broke out of the norm... drinking in the middle of the day, hiding in the bathroom stall, 2 shots or so to get my knees to stop clanking together as I sang "Beau Soir" by Claud Debussy.  2 shots more... I was just trying to get my whole body to stop riveting so the words I worked so hard on, would come out clearly.  I was almost always, nearly debilitated with nerves.  I marveled at the people who were not that great, but stood up there and owned the stage.  How did they do it?  Where did they get the confidence?  It baffled me.  Here I was, supposedly the "Diva" of the school, as my professor called it... sneaking booze to get the notes out.  I should have realized I wasn't cut out for it when I nearly fainted at the audition just to get into the school. 

That was my sophomore year.  By my 3rd year, I was drinking just for my regular vocal classes each week. 

Now I could really sing, and now the door was opened up to drink any time, any day.  But only pertaining to this.  I still only drank weekend nights otherwise.  Looking back on it, this was a clear sign.  It never occurred to me to admit this to anyone... work through it maybe... get other kinds of help... my only option was to drink.  Already.  Only 20.

Later that year my boyfriend of about 2 yrs, killed himself.  He had no head when I found him.  He blamed it on me for breaking up with him, and I was going to do that anyway.  After about 6 months of PTSD hell, family pointing fingers, counselors not helping, meds not helping, I started drinking my life away.  Some where in those sick sick days, I also had thoughts like "wow, I'm so great that someone literally couldn't live without me".  My thinking was so messed up, and the shame of thoughts like that one... the shame of it all... turned me into a walking booze bottle.

Now I had a new kind of shakes all the time.  I was shaking off the liter of vodka I'd drink every night to fight off the night terrors.  It stopped the flash backs if I could saturate myself enough. 

I worked in an old folks home, and I had to feed this lady with MS.  My hands would shake so badly by supper time, I would spill food off the spoon onto her blouse.  Feeding myself was worse.  Sometimes I had to drink just to eat.

I quit school, worked full time, and that was my life.  Working, drinking, sleeping.

Now it's 10 yrs later.  There's another few hundred pages of the story that I'm going to skip for now ; )

But I did want to share with you that today I had the shakes again... in a good way!  I live in an old 1930's house with all the lovely wood work, wood floors, and very high ceiling.  It's a singers dream come true and I try not to over furnish it as to keep that beautiful acoustic echo this house naturally creates like a gym locker room.

I sang the national anthem this morning in the dining room.  Belted it out a couple of times so loudly that the animals that were grazing out back turned to look.  Then I sat down to do my readings, and it was shown to me that God works through peoples feelings.  Through their emotions.  Faith, is a trust thing... built on an emotion and feeling.  I was not alone as I sang the national anthem again, starting quietly, and listening to the words echo back at me.  I drifted onto the battle field in my mind, and imagined what those people were feeling when "The flag was still there".  Tears poured down my face, joy and awe, and peace, and inspiration burst past my lips.  I wasn't just singing from start to finish, I could have started, stopped, kept going, finished... each moment was precious.  His presence, was showing me how to live in the present, and simply enjoy what is right inside of me... right now.

My spirit... awakened. 

I was shaking... in recovery. 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TwIY__VwaE&feature=related

Beautiful evening  (Beau Soir)

Language: English

When streams turn pink in the setting sun,
And a slight shudder rushes through the wheat fields,
A plea for happiness seems to rise out of all things
  And it climbs up towards the troubled heart.

A plea to relish the charm of life
While there is youth and the evening is fair,
For we pass away, as the wave passes:
  The wave to the sea, we to the grave.


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missyj


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I remember you posting this way back when. Thanks for sharing it again.

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mikef


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On any of these days, when WE  may feel like it is a constant trial and tribulation, WE have the blessing of being able to look behind,  if only for a moment ,reflect on the mountain we have climbed and feel the "shakes "of LIFE in daily recovery,,, of where we are now , living Just For Today, and honestly applying ,to the best of our abilities,the spiritual principles WE continue to  saturate our LIVES with..Thanks for help today,the tales of devastation that we share and have shared,,, and the journey we are on to serve our primary purpose,,being of maximum service to the God of our understanding and others.... Have a blessed and productive day!!!smilesmile



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Mr_David


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I agree, Tasha. Living in the 'moment' or as you say "in the present" is an awesome way to practice acceptance, even with all the extra drama these days. I guess some routines never change. Speaking of which, How's the singing going? Good, I hope.  I would love to hear you sing " I dreamed a dream" from "Les Misérables". That song gives me goose bumps.

Anyway, you've come a long way dear, so keep your head high for now. The best is still yet to come. Onward.



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Jerry F


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I'm glad you're here and bring your courage...just glad.  (((hugs))) smile



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Mike D


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Good Morning Tasha!!  Holy cow!  I love your post.  I'm glad you shared it again, because I'd never seen it before.  You always come up with good stuff that gets me thinking.  I can relate to the feelings you shared, but you also might be surprised to know how much I can relate to your discussion of the nerves and anxiety which can be part of music performance.  I'm not a musician myself, but I'm the father of two musicians.  Our 28 year old daughter is a professional classical musician (tenor & alto trombone) who has had to deal with everything you've described.  So far, she's been able to deal with it without the booze, but of course we keep praying for her.  Our 20 year old son, who is a jazz guitar major in college, has absolutely no fear or anxiety around performing.  For whatever reason, he's one of those guitar players who "owns the stage".  Don't ask me why.  He doesn't get it from me because fear once ruled my whole life in the past.

Tasha, I cannot begin to tell you how many things I didn't do in my past life because I was too afraid I'd fail and make a big fool of myself.  Guess what caused that:  It was my great big ego!!!!!  My ego was the largest obstacle I always had in my life.  It prevented me from doing so many things I wanted to try.  I achieved nothing because I was afraid of everything.  And, what I did about it was drink whiskey and make excuses.  If making excuses were an Olympic event, I would've been a Gold Medalist!!  I think you already know what it was that changed that.  Yes...you're right.  My Step Four inventory was the beginning of all the changes in my life because that was where I launched a war on my big stupid ego.  And, as you know, by the time I further humbled myself as I made all my 9th Step amends, the "war" was over and peace reigned in my life.  That's when I began to be able to accomplish and achieve things that I was too afraid to do before.  In my second year of sobriety I competed in an International Lineman's Rodeo and placed in the top 10%.  The next year I did even better.  In the past, my pride would've never allowed me to even try to compete....let alone succeed.  At about 7 years of sobriety, I began to travel around my area and speak to A.A. crowds on the Steps, and present Step Workshops.  I found I could do these things because fear was no longer a part of my life.  Without the fear, I became a published Author at 10 years of sobriety, and how in the heck that happened I'll never know.  All I do know is that all I did was turn my life and will over to God and all this stuff started happening.  None of these things were possible for me to do before I worked the Steps.  They were out of my reach...because I was so afraid to reach.  I know that none of it was completely my doing, and all of it happened because I threw my Pride in the garbage where it belongs.  I could go on about this but I won't.  You'd only get bored.  LOL.  If it could ever be possible, I'd love to hear you sing, and I'd love to hear more about your sober life.  Thanks for letting me ramble on.  Blessings, Mike D.



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StPeteDean


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MIP is a great place to review progress.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Looking back to an early post on a day of celebration in sobriety : )