Hello everyone its been awhile since I've started a thread.
I've been clean and sober now for about 6 months now, much thanks to my girlfriend who had a huge influence on this, her religion prohibits the drinking of alcohol and she has been a great influence for me.
However I'm stuck in a bit of a problem, she is also an extremely jelous and even though she trusts me she still has her hesitations because of my past.
I am overwhelmed with work right now, and even though usually we spend 99% of our nights together, I told her tonight I need to get caught up on some projects, she knows I have alot of projects going on right now, and I told her that she should probley just do something with her sister or something else because I really need the night to attempt to begin to catch up. Her first response was as long as that is what you are doing.
I reassured her that I was going to be working all night and that I was going to be busy with that and maybe if I get caught up we can go to a fair tommorw. I thought that was a good segway the promise of doing something else the next day. Well since then she has been giving me sort of a silent treatment, I know what she is thinking she is thinking its saturday night and he wants to drink and go out or something but that is not my intention at all , my intention is to work. I even stopped by her store which happens to be across from my house to say hi half way through the day and I was treated with minimal conversation.
My question is her response justified, jealousy has been a huge issue with her already, almost to the point of break up with her from her thinking she saw my eye wondering or just other silly girl stuff.
I'm trying to figure out if I should make this a big deal, or just let the night run its course so she is aware that she can trust me alone to myself, and that there will be no alcohol or reasons to be upset with me about.
I can only speak for myself...I'm an alkie...I lied about everything....I don't think I ever met an honest one either. It took me some house cleaning....Some damage repair....And I needed a design for living completely different than the one I had.....Most important....It took me that dirty little four letter word....Time. Those steps brought about the change I needed.....But I needed them.
Since you are asking I will give you my judgement.
Possibly she has had her trust in your actions and motives shaken by your past actions. If your words are accurate, this seems quite possible. We may have had past experiences with drunks coloring her opinions. Either way, to not trust a drunk is pretty easy. We usually are not trust worthy. It is a low percentage that recover. Sad truth.
Maybe she is just an insecure girl. You may have complimented other women at times to fuel that insecurity. This is also kinda common... Women can often be insecure on appearance. Flattery will get you everywhere is a good old saying for good reason.
I remember dating an extremely insecure girl out of high school.
The only compliment could give another woman was, "she don't sweat much for a fat girl".
A drunk never lying about their drinking? You would be the first I have met .
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Hey Mandm, ... I'm kinda with Stepchild here ... I think you probably ought to give this relationship some 'time' to mature ... pray to God or Allah or whoever your higher power is and ask that His 'will' be done for her as well as for you ... I wouldn't get defensive or make the situation take on a defensive nature, simply work and live the program of AA to the best of your ability ... and no matter what direction this thing goes, do not drink ... use the tools of the program ...
Having a 'relationship' the first year of sobriety is not recommended because of the 'emotional roller coaster' you are experiencing right now ... it can, and usually does tear down the sober foundation one has worked so hard to attain ... by experience, I can attest to the thoughts that "I'll show you, I'll just go get drunk so you can then say you're right to be worried about every little thing I do" ... ... ... If you haven't had those thoughts yet, BEWARE ... it's a sobriety killer ...
In any event, I'll keep you in my prayers ... Live Sober my friend, my brother ... ... ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
There are fear based people...I am married to one and it can get extreem. Jealouse; yes because her former husband cheated on her. She has been around my character, personality and behavior for a long time and I don't know and cannot be responsible for her jealousy if any and her fear is "her" fear. We talk about things one being how she manifest her emotions of fear which sometimes can be very reactive and distracting and she gets to own the condition and the talking about it. There are more blessings that come with her than not and so I am grateful. Talking to your girlfriend about your drinking is very respectful, you have a value system; keep it intact and build on it. If she is aware of her defects you might ask her what she plans to do about it because that is the answer you need in order to make your own plans. If hers is a reaction to your recovery...suggest Al-Anon for her...hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book.
My 2 cents: Just do you and keep your own side of the street clean. Appeasing her character defects is a recipe for codependent drama. You have your own character defects to focus on right? lol.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Mandm, I'm Mike D. and I'm an alcoholic. I like the topic you brought up because it's something that I think we all have to go through in the earliest stages of recovery -- we have to restore the trust of the others in our lives. The only way I know to restore trust is to become trustworthy. You can't accomplish it with words. You can only accomplish it with ACTIONS. She will only trust you when she sees by your actions that she can trust you. BTW, is she aware of Al-Anon?? Blessings to you both, Mike D.
My experience in my first couple years of recovery with my then-wife was a little bizarre. I don't know how it may apply to your situation, but my learning experience was that it's not always about me. Yeah, if I'm an alcoholic it's probably my fault, and I took that to heart my first year and it got me through a lot of situations. The situation with my wife was that she didn't really believe I was an alcoholic until I started going to AA meetings. I didn't go out drinking all night or get in fights or go to jail or get DUIs. I drank a few beers in the evening and then when everyone else went to bed, I did my real drinking - alone. She knew of this but not the extent of it, or the fact that it had become daily in my last few drinking years.
Having been previously married to, and divorced from an alcoholic, as well has dealing with an alcoholic mother and sister, me going to AA and saying I was an alcoholic didn't set well with her. I lamented in meetings several times that I thought my marriage would be improved if I rolled home with a 12 pack and said "Hey, good news! I'm not an alcoholic after all!" My second year sober was the roughest in terms of the relationship. I really wasn't offered any options - my problem wasn't what I did, it was what I was, and that's usually insurmountable. After that rough year, I once again took on all the blame and came a groveling, and things seemed to get better for a while. Really, a lot better. But the truth is, she was jealous of my AA program and the fact that I had friends outside of the tiny circle I had been previously permitted, namely *her* family. My family was always tolerated, barely... we're not talking about bad people here, my wife would simply go someplace else and isolate when my family members were around.
So it wasn't until I was 5 years sober that I discovered she had been cheating on me since before I got sober. She didn't seem to think this contributed anything to the problem, and of course it was my fault because I "drove" her to do it, etc. This is called poor communication.... this should have been my vindication, and my liberation - and it felt that way. For about 5 minutes. After that I felt used, gullible, stupid, ignorant, worthless, immature... everything she said about me was true even when I nailed her own guilt in the matter, she shrugged because that too, was my fault.
Hating yourself is a miserable way to exist. Hating myself on someone else's terms, well that's like trying to get a dead person to make amends to you. I spent the next 5 years in multiple forms of therapy, self-analysis, positive thinking, self-affirmations, boring first dates, and other bullshit that made me hate myself even more because the affirmations were lies, and I hate liars. I finally admitted that I hated myself, that I hated phony positive talk, and that I just am who I am and I had wasted a lot of energy trying to be something a) that I wasn't and b) didn't even WANT to be. You can buy 10,000 books on how to get girls, but if doing those things makes you feel like a liar to yourself, it's not going to do you any good in the long run. I have a life-long disgust with phonies, and I have low tolerance for phony behavior. Even from myself. Especially from myself. Are there things I do that I wouldn't do if I had total freedom? Of course. I do things in order to live in the world and get along with my fellow human beings, maintain employment, etc. but they are a matter of choice and consequence, not a definition of who I am.
I don't know if this means anything at all to the OP, but I haven't posted in a while and it just sort of rang a bell with me. Trust is a very difficult thing to earn, and an extremely easy thing to lose. A recovering alcoholic has a tough and long road back, and some people will never trust no matter what. And some have their own problems. It isn't ALWAYS about the alcoholic. Recovery doesn't mean groveling for the rest of our lives.
After all said and done everything went fine .. I don't go to aa meeting , sometimes I'll hit a online one, I also don't follow the big book , I just use this board to stay sober and I'm 5 months in already with no issues.
