O. K. Here's some of my background:Born and raised in small town - dad was killed in car crash when I was ten - mom had to raise six of us alone - tried suicide at a young age - was married for seven years - separated for two then divorced - been divorced since 94 - tried to raise two kids on my own - had nervous breakdown because I was sexually molested by the man whose house I was cleaning at the time - C.A.S. stepped in - lost kids but they are living with family members so I get to see them. Years later lived with a man who beat me for three years - this is when my drinking became a problem because all I wanted was for the pain to go away - I hit back - I went to jail for three days - while I was in jail he moved out and in with the next one who claimed to be my friend for ten years prior. While we were together he made a pass at my then thirteen year old daughter and told her if she tells anyone he was going to hurt me and her - he also tried to beat my then eleven year old son's head in - this piece of trash was forty-five at the time. The drunker he got the worse the beatings were. I had enough of this crap so I finally hit him back and strangely enough I was the one that went to jail. He is a major drunk - always has been always will be - that is what he is known as in town. The hardest part is that it in a small town - we would cross paths somewhere - all I can think about is all the hurt that he has caused to my friends, family, and especially my children and most importantly murder is still against the law. Oh well - probation states that I can not have a fire arm in my possession until 2009. HA HAThis is likely what you did not want to know - but - now you do!I hope you understand that it is hard for me to spill this stuff to people that I don not even know.
Later - Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 12:25, 2006-01-19
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
gosh jeannie , all i can say is i am humbled by ur post.....thank u for being so open hearted and honest with this.....it is not easy , airing out our guts, but u know??? for me??? its cathartic.....i don't have to talk about my perp HALF as much as i used to......
i know what u mean about "hitting back" my drunken , violent mom came "at me" with this BIG knife, and i SNAPPED!!! its like the years of her drunken/ raging/ beating me...blaming ME for the incest...REFUSING to rescue me from him, came up and i remember grabbing her...bashing her hand on the kitchen table, to knock the knife out and i threw her on the floor and began strangling her AFTER i beat her to a pulp......it took all 3 of my brothers to pull me off her......
i got up the next day and felt like crap...i was SURE god was going to send me to hell and i would have to live with my perp in eternity.......but you know???? now????
and this is so hard to say, but now?? i look back at that and i FORGIVE me 1000% percent for what i did to her.....i was the child..she was the adult i was the innocent baby god blessed her with to love--protect---nurture, etc and she allowed me to be torn to bits---emotionally/mentally...SHE was almost as much to blame as he was...it was her DUTY to stop him........she AND he made my life a living hell....and i turned on her.......its funny my rage over HIM didn't come out until later, when i moved out... after i beat up my mother, got my own place and he came over to "discharge his devient desires" on me and i grabbed a knife!!!! like she had with me...here i am in MY apt. and i grab this knife and i flat out told him that his abuse to me/ her abuse to me were OVER!!!!! someone was gonna die if they didn't leave me alone...... he left, never to bother me again....i KNOW the hand of god prevented me from killing them, especially him!!! god didn't want them to FURTHER ruin my life....cuz i had enuf rage to do it!!!!
she and i talked about the "confrontation" the next day as i was packing my bags to move out.... and she said to me that she understood my hatred and anger at her for her drinking and her "not rescueing me" i told her i was a poor helpless child with NO choice over my own body even!! ....and HOW does she think that made me feel????? we talked....she looked like she had been run over by a truck!!! i asked her if she wanted to see a doctor cuz i had "done a number on her" and she said "no, they will ask ???s" and i told her NOT to ever come at me with anything becuz the "abuse crap" is not going to happen to me EVER again......NO more sex assaults by the freak.....NO more chasing me with knives from her......thats IT!!! she really tried to make amends, and i mean she went out of her way to make it up to me.....i accepted it!!! i was angry at her, but i could at least see that she loved me and was deeply sorry........
3 years later she would be dead from her alcoholism....i had 3 good years with her....i saw her as a human being and not just a out of control drunk......her rage and pain , living with a serial child rapist and adulter AND wife beater were too much for her....her way out was to drink herself to death....she WANTED to die!!! i didn't try to stop her....i guess i sort of agreed wtih her.....her life was hell....she needed to go "home" as far as i felt........my TOTAL forgiveness TO her wouldn't come until i got into the 12Steps recovery.....but i did , i managed to forgive her and "posthumously" feel SOME compassion for her.......
sorry, didn't mean to get carried away here.....ur post brought up some "stuff"....hope i didn't talk too much, but if feels good to get this shit out.......and ur right!! its hard to confess this stuff to folks u dont know....but we are all here to love/support each other...........i just can SO relate to what u said.......rosie
Thank you Jeannie, for your frankness. You may be somewhat put off by me right now. That's beside the point, for now.
Having endured all that abuse and terror scars a person pretty deep. From your story I see a strong, decisive woman rising up.
Getting sober, staying sober, working those steps with a sponsor gives us the peace to know that nobody else can do again to us what was done before. We are much wiser now and no longer attracted to abusive, demeaning relationships. We are no longer the victim. By finally giving up and admitting we couldn't manage our lives we begin to heal. For some folks the process is pretty clear cut. For a lot of us there are many complexities that not everyone will understand.
You are loved and appreciated. We are kindreds. We may not always agree, but we remember what we have in common. Your warnings about the virus is appreciated. I copied it and sent to everyone I know.
For what you wrote here, we are closer and know each other a little better. Please, if you will, keep an eye on me, help keep me straight. And if you see me veering or straying, be my sister and clue me in.
I know my emotions are a mess because of my st.dad's treatment of me and yes too I was mad at my mom for not saving me when I was three and being raped on the floor not more than two feet away from her as she was passed out on alcohol. The beatings I got over,but not the put downs of being dumb from her and my family. I'm not really slow,but have a learning disability. Actually I'm gifted in a lot of arias except for writing. No one cared enough to see that in me until I grew up and went to collage. I never hit my mom,but had a yelling match with her at one time. Anyway, she is dead now and i took care of her at the end. The grown up part forgives her,but there will always be that child whom was scard of everything and everyone and hated her for not saving me from years of being stocked,watched and beaten. I will not blame my alcoholism on her, it just is like the grass is green,but I have PTSD and it's hell to live with at times. I'b been through outside help and still do have outside help. I will forever be on medication. My track record with men is not good,but when we as women leave a bad relationship,we get called many names for having too many relationships. What can I say about men, you can't live with them,you can't live without them. Nothing against the men here, I have many men as guy friends just seems as far as relationships go, I have a bad track record. The fellowship means the world to me and I'm glad I'm sober. Lets just say that drinking did not help my problems in the least. That's it about me.
zooomie, thank u for sharing this.....((((hugs)))) to you, what a little miracle u r to survive that...that says a LOT about us, that we SURVIVED...and there IS more to life than SURVIVAL...and together we will wade through this MUCK and do it!!!!! rosie
When I first came into the program I heard "talk about it until you don't need to talk about it anymore". I thought Wow, I 've been talking about "IT" forever, with people telling me to quit talkiing about it, get over it, the past was the past, move on....It really didn't effect me the way I thought it did.I did spent some time in therapy... but it was after I worked the steps, 4 and 5 especially...after I forgave the people involved and myself...I find the only time I have to talk about It is when I can help someone else in the process. My 78 year old Mom tries to talk about things and I say Mom that's in the past, I've moved on. She doesn't get it cause it use to be such a big deal, the feelings so fresh ...conversation loud, dramatic, accusing and raw. To be free of all that is a miracle in itself, to be sober and free is something only from God, the serenity is a new gift each day.
Thanks for the shares everyone...the truth sets us free.
Gammy, maybe she doesn't get it because she needs to talk about it, even if you don't,,, maybe she needs to work it through for her recovery. I don't know, but maybe.
Wow,, I hope all of you that are sharing about your childhood abuse are visiting our CAS board. You all have an understanding of the 12 Steps from this AA program and that would be helpful with the people there that don't understand the Steps, but are committed to recovery,,, and a lot of us have PTSD, and there is treatment for that (one of them is to talk about it till we don't need to anymore)
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Amanda, you are probably right, she may need to talk about it. Just as I found I had to do the work with someone outside the family that is what she needs also. She was in a mental health hospital many times and would not talk to the therapist about her life, at all. She still believes in family secrets, I choose to walk in freedom from the past.I have told her I forgive her for her part and I love her , but will not particapte in the rehashing...I pray she will open up to someone...if she needs too.
Amanda, you are so active on many of the other board, don't know how you do it. I know you are a blessing to many, with your insight and wisdom.Thanks for being here.I check the other boards and read, but with the scleroderma, the raynauds and the carpral tunnel, I'm having much diffuculty posting at this time.I also belong to a few support groups for my medical conditions.
wow,,, I just lost my whole post by pressing some key by mistake... and I was saying what a good typer I was. Well, I won't retype that part.
I consider myself a Childhood Abuse Survivor primarily. My drinking was mostly because of that, as they say the drinking was a symptom. Once I stopped drinking I was left without my crutch when flashbacks would happen, depression, insecurities,, etc. and I had to get into real recovey to be able to stand 'life' at all,,, I have had long periods of thinking that the best thing for me to do is just check out,, and I was going the Janis Joplin way to do it. I have posted before that I was in an institution when I was first given the '12 X 12' book and Big Book. The concepts of ACoA and PTSD were fairly new and I found out about them, along with some other patients, while watching the news on tv in the solarium. When I got out, which was amazing in itself and I thank the 12 Steps for that,, well,,, more exactly I thank God for that, and he helped me thru the 12 Steps,, I looked around for 12 Step groups and found a couple of ACoA groups. They have helped me more than anything else, really. A spiritual program has been doing a miracle in me that nothing and no one else could.
So the CAS group here is very special to me and dear to my heart. New people come in who are just starting recovery and not sure how to go about it, or if it is possible, and I both do 12th Stepping there, as well as get support when I have a hard time. The Step programs are centered on the Steps, right? And the Steps are on the Step Work board, so I do some 12th Stepping by posting those up, and being encouraging to the newbies that come there. This board is more where I work my program. I 'listen' to all your shares and learn from them,, and I do my sharing most of all here,,, to keep from going back to drinking and to learn more about the 'tools' that I can use instead of drinking. I also do ACA, but I'm still banned from there . lol
Each of the boards is important to me. Not all alcoholics are child abuse survivors, and not all childhood abuse survivors are alcoholics.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
You are one courageous woman! Your "experience" is definitely a messageof "strength" and hope!" Thank you Jeannie so much! You are not alone. Many of us are just still afraid to share our stories. You took a huge step that I know will help others take that leap as well.
